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A REAL TURN ON!
 The Associated Press Updated: 4:10 p.m. ET April 28, 2005 BERLIN - What’s making toads puff up and explode in northern Europe? More than 1,000 toad corpses have been found at a pond in an upscale neighborhood in Hamburg and over the border in Denmark after bloating and bursting It’s left onlookers baffled. The pond water in Hamburg has been tested, but its quality is no better or worse than elsewhere in the city. The toad remains have been checked for a virus or bacterium, but none has been found. One German scientist studying the splattered amphibian remains has a theory: Hungry crows are pecking out their livers. “The crows are clever,” said Frank Mutschmann, a Berlin veterinarian who collected and tested specimens at the Hamburg pond. “They learn quickly from watching other crows how to get the livers.” Based on the wounds, Mutschmann said, it appears that a bird pecks into the toad with its beak between the amphibian’s chest and abdominal cavity, and the toad puffs itself up as a natural defense mechanism. But, because the liver is missing and there’s a hole in the toad’s body, the blood vessels and lungs burst and the other organs ooze out, he said. As gruesome as it sounds, it isn’t actually that unusual, he said. “It’s not unique — it’s in a city area, and that makes it spectacular,” Mutschmann said. “Of course, it’s something very dramatic." There have also been reports of exploded toads in a pond near Laasby in central Jutland in Denmark. Horror scene Local environmental workers in Hamburg have described it as a scene out of a horror or science fiction movie, with the bloated frogs agonizing and twitching for several minutes, inflating like balloons before they suddenly burst. “It’s horrible,” biologist Heidi Mayerhoefer was quoted as telling the daily Hamburger Morgenpost. “The toads burst, the entrails slide out. But the animal isn’t immediately dead — they keep struggling for several minutes.” Hamburg’s Institute for Hygiene and the Environment regularly tests water quality in the city and has found no evidence the toads were diseased. The institute also ruled out a fungus brought in from South America was infecting the toads. Other theories have been that horses on a nearby track might have infected the amphibians with a virus, or even that the toads are committing suicide to save others from overpopulation. Could hungry crows be a reasonable answer? “We haven’t seen that. It might be, it might not be,” said institute spokeswoman Janne Kloepper. “It’s speculation,” until it’s observed, she added. In the meantime, officials in Hamburg have advised residents to stay away from the pond, which German tabloids have dubbed “the death pool.” I TOAD YOU SO!
SAW DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS WITH HEKLINA--
--WE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR! No, actually Heklina, who runs the queen-ius drag club Trannyshack in San Fran-sissy-co (the scene which spawned the Scissor Sisters' AnaMatronic) was in town to perform at Trannyshack NYC and copped some free tix to the hardest show in NYC to get tix for. Well, that's what a gaggle of well-turned out southern ladies were overheard saying outside the theater. They had settled for SWEET CHARITY tix (with Christina Applegate?) and wanted someone to snap their photo with the marquis in the background. I watched them try to get up the nerve to ask someone to snap it for them. They looked at me. But as my neck was adorned with a fanciful choker made entirely of hickies, so I'm not sure they felt they it wise to approach me. (Of course, that could have been the drool or the fact that I was playing with my nipples, too.) So I broke the ice and offered and even gave them some coaching. "You're on Broadway, girls! Let's see some razzamatazz!" After wearing them out with 30 or more poses, I think they grew afraid I was some lunatic who'd run off with their camera. (I was.) Sometimes New Yorkers criticize tourists for coming to NYC and never venturing out of the Times Square tourist park with it's Hard Rock Cafe-type restaurants, B'way theaters, etc and taking the time to hunt down NYC's more eclectic neighborhoods. And they probably don't, but I'll criticize myself and say that I stay in the funky, eclectic neighborhoods and rarely see a B'way show! For sheer razzle dazzle, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is da bomb! And aside from John Lithgow, the stars are Broadway through and through. I can't stand it when TV/ film/ recording stars are given plum roles on B'way though they lack the stage presence of a true hoofer. But with tons more musicals and a largely out-of-town audience, the dumbing down of Broadway is in full effect. Why should The Great White Way differ from the rest of the country? I shuddered when I heard that John Travolta is being considered for Edna (the Divine/Harve Fierstein/Bruce Vilanch role) in Hairspray. But what do the producers care if John has none of their timing, delivery, etc? Crowds would pay to see a "straight" star in drag, even though he's probably wrong for the part. It's more about name recognition these days than talent. You see, my bitterness wells up even while I'm trying to praise a show! Heklina got us 2nd row center seats. That curtain opened and BAM! out came the showgirls. All thin and attractive, covered in rhinestones, with high kicks and attitude--these bitches let you have it from minute one! I was floored--they'd stolen my act! The black girl (Amy Heggins) was so unbelievably regal and poised and such a proficient dancer that I couldn't take my eyes off of her, even when the stars entered. Before you could say the word--much less think--"lull", the girls re-entered with new dazzling looks as the fab orchestra cranked up. The gratuitous show-bizzy stuff works so well when it's meant to be just that--fun fluff done only as B'way can. Musicals are not my fav genre, but I quite liked some of these tunes by FULL MONTE composer David Yazbek. John Lithgow is not the strongest singer but he has his own magic. I think part of it is that you sense that--and I know this sounds hokey--he's such a decent guy and talented enough to deserve every one of his "breaks". And he plays a vain, distinguished con man well. Then fucking Norbert Leo Butz erupts onstage in a whirlwind of mugging and physical comedy that leaves Jim Carey in the dust. And Norbert really milks his songs dry. The ensemble? (insert red-wine spraying Liza voice) Terrific! The cast got a standing ovation, though I hear that all B'way shows get one nowadays. It completes the tourists' pat B'way experience. And god knows New Yorkers can't afford them to see shows with their astronomical rents! I guess I'll sum up by saying that free shows are always better! (Hint, hint!)
PSALM 23, REVISED FOR 2005
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want. He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests. He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness. He restoreth my fears. He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find no exit, for thou art in office. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me. Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion. Thou anointest my head with foreign oil. My health insurance runneth out. Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
NINA "HAGEN" THE STAGE AT CHARM SCHOOL!
CHARM SCHOOL U: Every Monday night at Marquee Debbie Harry performed, Kelly Osborne dj'ed, and then I got to sing a duet of Nina Hagen's underground 80's smash NEW YORK NEW YORK--WITH NINA! She's still a mesmerizing goddess--a true superstar. And accompanied by her lovely actress daughter Cosmic Shiva. Both were in a film called 7 DWARFS at the Tribeca Film festival and popped by hot new night Charm School for a surprise #. I'm working my new "world's first muslim drag queen" look to conceal electrolysis irritation and lemme tell ya--the cab-drivers just LOVED IT! Everyone loved it, in fact. I'm almost getting the idea that the more I cover up, the better I look. Here's one pic by Billy Beyond:  BILLY BEYOND'S BLOG: www.billybeyond.blog-city.com Go here for more pix of Amanda, Kenny Kenny, Miss Guy, Lyle Derek, Debbie, Kelly, etc. http://www.namlive.com/lastnightsparty/charmschool/index.html www.lfi.co.uk/     
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
Men's Health compiled this list based on antidepressant sales, courtesy of NDC Health; suicide rates, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC); and the number of days inhabitants reported being depressed, based on the CDC's Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System, accessed through bestplaces.net. Where can you find happiness? Texas, that's where. Three of its cities placed in the top four: number one, Laredo; number two, El Paso; and number four, Corpus Christi. The 20 Happiest Cities 1. Laredo, TX: A+ 2. El Paso, TX: A+ 3. Jersey City, NJ: A+ 4. Corpus Christi, TX: A+ 5. Baton Rouge, LA: A 6. Honolulu, HI: A- 7. Fresno, CA: A- 8. San Jose, CA: A- 9. Lincoln, NE: B+ 10. Bakersfield, CA: B+ 11. Buffalo, NY: B+ 12. Anchorage, AK: B+ 13. Stockton, CA: B+ 14. Shreveport, LA: B+ 15. (3-way tie) Madison, WI: B, Montgomery, AL: B, and Des Moines, IA: B 18. Wichita, KS: B 19. (tie) Sacramento, CA: B and Omaha, NE: B The 20 Most Depressed Cities 1. Philadelphia, PA: F 2. Detroit, MI: F 3. St. Petersburg, FL: F 4. St. Louis, MO: F 5. Tampa, FL: F 6. Indianapolis, IN: F 7. (3-way tie) Mesa, AZ: F, Phoenix, AZ: F, and Scottsdale, AZ: F 10. Cleveland, OH: F 11. New York, NY: D- 12. Salt Lake City, UT: D- 13. Atlanta, GA: D 14. (3-way tie) Yonkers, NY: D, Pittsburgh, PA: D, and Kansas City, MO: D 17. (3-way tie) Long Beach, CA: D, Los Angeles, CA: D, Nashville, TN" D 20. Portland, OR: D
UNLUCKY CHENG'S?
A lot of my drag sisters work at this drag-themed Asian restaurant and many are very talented and can pull a fab look together. But honey, a good "read" makes for a good read! And Hal Rubinstein lets this place have it! Not only is it funny as hell, it's also complimentary to me so I just HAD to post it! (In Cheng's defense, this review is a few years old, so maybe they've improved. Then again, one doesn't always visit theme restaraunts for the food. But of course, Hal hates the theme, too!) Hal Rubinstein reviews Lucky Cheng's---EVIL!!! Lady Bunny and RuPaul are things of beauty. Lypsinka is a joy forever. What makes these men who do drag wonderful is not the drag, though no queen was ever given demerits for overdressing, but what they do once they've put it on. Any man can zip into a sheath (I didn't say "wants to," I said "can") and just stand there looking stupid. Being in drag doesn't mean you can do drag. And considering we live on an island where razzing gendrification has reached a level of scholarship equal to studying French literature at the Sorbonne, New Yorkers have every right to expect the best when paying to be surrounded by sleight-of-gland. That's why Lucky Cheng's is for geeks, nerds, twerps, starched oxford East Siders, tourists who sit in bridge traffic to eat at an Empire Szechuan, and anyone else who gets off on wasting an hour of their life enducing the incompetence of a no-reservations policy for the privilege of spending their money according to someone else's schedule. The rusetaurant's current popularity is Max Factor - based solely on a staff bewigged, befotched, and enskirted. That's it. Some may look as if inspired by Chita Rivera in Spider Woman, or Gale Sondergaard in almost anything, but not one of them has adopted a persona entertaining beyond the initial schlock value. Not that I expected any of them to be my concubine or M. Butterfly, but what makes drag work is reference and humor. Not only are they devoid of either, but the crunch for tables revealed something more damaging than an exposed falsie. They're bad waiters. The first rule of waiters is "never let them see you sweat." Here it should be amended to read "especially when you've bought your makeup at Duane Reade." It gets worse. John Waters's fans tempted to come here are hereby advised to review one of his seminal works, Eat Your Makeup. Because that's what you'd rather do once you've tasted this left-in-the-cardboard-container-overnight-on-a-stoop freshness of this nervy charade of Chinese food. How can you screw up brown rice to taste fried and gummy in a glaze of acrid oil? Deep-fried fish was too raw to gnaw off the bone. Spring rolls increased the winter of our discontent. But why bother going on? Like picking up one of the ladies of the street on 11th and 27th, if you come here you get what you deserve. As for the dubiously "lucky" ladies working not hard enough for their money, why don't you study Lady Bunny? Observe Dame Edna. Learn from Lypsinka. Watch an old movie. Watch a new movie. Think character. Think funny. Think pink. Or think again.
CHILLIN' WITH MOM
Updated: 11:26 p.m. ET April 25, 2005 CAMPBELL, Wis. - A man told police he kept his mother’s corpse in a basement freezer for more than four years while he collected her Social Security checks, authorities said Monday. A body was found encased in ice, in a sitting position. Philip Schuth, 52, told police his elderly mother, Edith, died of natural causes in August 2000, but that he didn’t tell anyone because he was afraid police would blame him, according to documents filed in court Monday. He said his mother years beforehand was attacked by a cat and her blood was on the walls in the house they shared, and he feared police would think he killed her, according to the documents. Body locked in deep freeze Police recovered a chest-type freezer in Schuth’s basement, and after chipping away at a block of ice, discovered a human knee. Sheriff’s Capt. Jeff Wolf said a body appears to be in the block, intact in a sitting position. The body has not been identified; an autopsy is set for later this week. Investigators found the freezer at the end of an all-night standoff at Schuth’s home in the Town of Campbell, located on French Island in the Mississippi River about 110 miles northwest of Madison. The standoff began Friday when a 10-year-old boy told his father that Schuth had hit him. The boy’s father, mother and the child confronted Schuth at his home. After admitting he had hit the boy, Schuth pulled out a handgun and opened fire, according to court documents. The father was hit three times, and the family fled and called police. The father was treated and released for his wounds. Explosives, guns found in home Schuth retreated into his house and when SWAT teams arrived, he told negotiators he had “more than 10 but less than 100” bombs and 16 firearms, and that it would be “high noon” when he surrendered, according to court documents. He surrendered early Saturday without incident. Investigators found 15 to 20 homemade explosive devices, packed with nails, heavy staples and other metal items, a sawed-off shotgun along with 15 other firearms, documents said. La Crosse County District Attorney Scott Horne said he plans to charge Schuth next week with attempted homicide and reckless endangerment for allegedly shooting at the family, as well as having improvised explosives and concealing a corpse.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
From my girlfriend Zhana: To: Internal Revenue Service Department of the Treasury Washington, DC 20001 Enclosed is my 2004 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from "USA Today" archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $2200, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year, and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values. Sincerely, Another satisfied taxpayer
JOHN PAUL: A CULTURE OF DEATH?
By Arianna Huffington: A CORNUCOPIA OF DEATH Paint the last month black. It's been an orgy of mourning; a cornucopia of death. We've had Terri Schiavo, Pope John Paul, Prince Rainier, and Charles and Camilla's wedding--which felt as grim as any funeral. All brought to us in no-longer-living color. If nothing else, the media have outed themselves as the ultimate necrophiliacs. I expect CNN and Forest Lawn to announce a sponsorship agreement any day now. The pope's interminable interment was the magenta-colored cherry on the death sundae. The TV coverage was so over-the-top and utterly uncritical, it was as if John Paul had been, well, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Or, at least, Jim Caviezel. Now, I'm certainly not suggesting that the last week should have been spent trashing the late pontiff. His many achievements--taking on communism, embracing the Third World, speaking out for the poor, and standing up against war--surely deserved recognition and praise. But you'd think the wall-to-wall coverage would have included some serious discussion of the two tragic failures of his reign: his woeful mishandling of the church's child molestation scandal, and how his archaic position on condoms contributed to the deaths of millions of people, especially in Africa. The molestation outrage is a black mark that can't be whitewashed. Over 11,000 children were sexually abused and close to $1 billion in settlement money has been paid out, but the pope did not go much beyond decrying "the sins of some of our brothers." He never met with any victims, he never offered practical solutions to dealing with the problem, he never addressed the decades-long cover-up of the abuse. He even rejected a "zero tolerance" policy calling for the immediate removal of molester-priests, concerned that it was too harsh. Too harsh?! This is a man who wouldn't allow a priest to become a bishop unless he was unequivocally opposed to masturbation, premarital sex and condoms. So, in his perversion pecking order, you had to be dead-set against "self-love" but when it came to buggering little kids, there was some wiggle room. And let's not forget that the Pope appointed Cardinal Bernard Law, who was one of the architects of the sex scandal cover-up, and who even faced potential criminal prosecution for his role in the concealment. But instead of making an example out of Law, the pope gave him a cushy sinecure in the Vatican. Adding insult to the grievous injury suffered by the abuse victims, Law was one of the nine cardinals specially chosen to preside over the pope's funeral masses. It is a disgrace--and an indication of how detached the Vatican became under this pope. The other stain on the pope's legacy is his tireless opposition to the use of condoms--even in places like Africa, where AIDS killed 2.3 million people last year alone, and where the disease has driven life expectancy below 40 years in many countries. But even in the face of that kind of suffering, he fought tooth and nail against condoms. Any time a church official even suggested that people infected with HIV should use condoms, they were either removed from office or censured by the Vatican. We were told again and again last week about how committed John Paul was to promoting a culture of life. I guess the 20 million people who have died from AIDS are the exception that proves the rule. On the other hand, the pope's passing might have saved the political skin of one of his culture-of-life cohorts, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. If you have a series of looming ethics scandals about to come crashing down on your head, having the media focused 24/7 on something else is a very lucky break indeed. But, in the end, it's going to take a huge celebrity dying every three days for the next few months to keep The Hammer from going down. The presence of DeLay at the pope's funeral in Rome, along with President Bush, the First Lady, Condoleezza Rice, Bill Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Bush Sr., was a stark reminder of our perverted priorities. The pope dies and it's Must Holy See TV; 1,547 American soldiers die in Iraq and President Bush and Laura have yet to attend a single one of their funerals. Not a single one. Maybe the president only goes to funerals of people whose death he wasn't involved in.
NEW YORK SUCKS NOW PART 5,693
WWW.NYPRESS.COM | APRIL 20, 2005 THE NEWS HOLE This may well be the last summer to experience Coney Island in a form that even vaguely resembles what we've all come to think of as "Coney Island." It's looking as if by summer 2006, much of it will be gone, and gone forever. (AND GURL, IT WAS ALL ABOUT MEETING THOSE DRUNK STRAIGHT BOYS "UNDER THE BOARDWALK"!) To be honest, it's been a long slow death, though not without the occasional signs of remission. Twenty years ago, primarily through the efforts of Dick Zigun, a nearly abandoned and crime-ridden Boardwalk really started looking as if it were turning around. It was smaller than it once was, but it was cleaning up. The Mermaid Parade was inaugurated. There were new attractions. And even with the annoying hipster appeal, it was still Coney the gyro and fried-clam stands were still there, Ruby's was still there, the rides were still there. It still felt right. Then the Giuliani administration arrived. McDonalds appeared on the Boardwalk. The sideshow was forced out of its location onto a sidestreet. Construction on the minor-league baseball stadium aka KeySpan Parkgot underway. The old vine-choked Thunderbolt, on the verge of receiving landmark status, was torn down in a blitzkrieg move early one morning because it was an "eyesore" for those people coming down to the baseball stadium. The parachute drop was likewise threatened, and there were rumors that the city was in dealings to sell Coney to the Disney Corp. Things looked grim, but apart from a few annoying cosmetic additions (the view-blocking bathrooms, those annoying "palm tree sprinklers" on the beach), Coney hung on. Last summer there were even a few new games like "Shoot the Freak." (WHICH GAINFULLY EMPLOYED JOEY ARIAS FOR MONTHS LAST YEAR. TOO BAD EVRYONE WAS SUCH A BAD SHOT!)And the venerable old Boardwalk attractions seemed to be doing well by doing what they've always done. Even if it was a bit more corporate than it used to be, at least the Disney talk disappeared, and the stadium was "over there," and could be ignored. The parachute drop was dismantled, but only for a restoration. The plan was to get it back in working order as soon as possible. Then, last Thursday, the Daily News reported that Coney quite unexpectedly had been given the last rites. It was revealed that a real estate development corporation by the name of Thor Equities (make of that what you will) had purchased a major chunk of the Boardwalk. Several business owners along the stretch have been told that they need to be out of there by the end of the summer. That includes the go kart track and Joey Clams' gyro stand. Other Boardwalk landmarks, like Nathan's and Ruby's, are facing impossible rent hikes, and will likely to be forced out. Thor's plan is to tear it all down and build a shopping mall. When that happens, even if the Wonder Wheel and the Cyclone remain, Coney Island will be dead as the pope, and it won't be coming back. Part of us wants to ask, "How could such a thing be allowed to happen?" Then we remembered what the current and previous administrations have done to the rest of the city over the past decade. We've said it beforepiece by piece, everything that made New York what it is is being taken away from us, mostly out of simple, stupid greed and allowed by an astonishingly oblivious and apathetic public. The mayor and his developer cronies are doing a hell of a better job destroying New York than al-Qaeda could ever dream of. I LOVE TO HEAR PEOPLE BASHING GIULIANI. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIVE IN NYC, THIS 9/11 ''HER0'' WAS A REAL ZERO, WHO TRIED, AMONG OTHER THINGS TO BAN THE QUINTESSENTIALLY NEW YORK-Y HOT DOG VENDORS, LEGISLATE MANDATORY SCHOOL UNIFORMS(!!?!), AND HE ALSO REDUCED THE NUMBER OF TAXI DRIVERS BY 1/3RD BY ENFORCING RESTRICTIONS WHICH MADE IT TOUGH FOR THEM TO MAKE A LIVING. AND DANNY GLOVER, YOU THINK BLACKS HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING A CAB? GET YOUR ASS IN DRAG AND TRY IT! THE ONLY THING GIULIANI DID WAS ACT COMPASSIONATE AFTER 9/11--WELL WHAT ELSE WOULD ANYONE DO? AT LEAST I TAKE HEART THAT HE'S JUST TOO REPULSIVE WITH THAT LISP AND THAT COMB-OVER TO REALLY BE CONSIDERED FOR PRESIDENT, EVEN BY LOATHSOME REPUBLICANS!
LYPSTINKA AS JOAN CRAWFORD!
 IF YOU LIKE JOAN CRAWFORD AND MOMMIE DEAREST, YOU CANNOT MISS THIS TWISTED MASTERPIECE! FROM PLAYBILL.COM Epperson as Lypsinka as Crawford Stars in Off-Broadway's The Passion of the Crawford at The Zipper By Ernio Hernandez 18 Apr 2005 Post-modern male actress Lypsinka will take on Joan Crawford in the new Off-Broadway show The Passion of the Crawford set to start at The Zipper May 5. TWEED TheaterWorks and The Zipper present the six-performance limited engagement directed by Kevin Malony and also featuring a special performance by The Amazing Russello. The Passion of the Crawford is billed as "a fantasia on the persona of an alternately complex and simple 20th Century cultural icon, the renowned Hollywood glamour goddess Joan Crawford." Lypsinka has made star turns in I Could Go On Lip-Synching followed by The Fabulous Lypsinka Show, Lypsinka! Now It Can Be Lip-Synched, Lypsinka! A Day in the Life, Lypsinka Must Be Destroyed!, The Boxed Set. and most recently As I Lay Lip Synching. The creation of actor John Epperson, Lypsinka has also appeared in the films "Wigstock: The Movie," "Vampire's Kiss," "Witch Hunt," "Red Ribbon Blues" and "Angels in America." Epperson appeared in the film "Kinsey" in the recent New York City Opera's production of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella. Tickets for The Passion of the Crawford at The Zipper, 336 West 37th Street, are available beginning April 19 through telecharge.com or by calling (212) 239-6200. For more info go to www/lypsinka.com.
A STRIPPER'S TAIL FROM DC!
Sent by my friend..well, I'm not sure he wants to be identified, but he is hysterical! You know they have those hateful, nasty, gotta-love'em strip joints in our nation's capitol! Last night, my friends and I went to a Guys night out at a local casino to see the Go Go Boyz dancers. One of the guys wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. he called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet... What could I do???? I remembered Nelly's video. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass and grabbed the eighty bucks!
JOHN PAUL AND BENEDICT: TOO CLOSE?
The following is an article by syndicated columnist and friend Miles Christain Daniels. The Pope, His Secretary, and Gay Marriage With all eyes, ears and cameras now on a new pope, John Paul II, with no disrespect, is slowly becoming yesterday's news. But during the two week media frenzy that was John Paul's life, death and burial, I was a bit taken back by the lack of attention given to the late pope and his relationship with Archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz - the pope's private secretary of more than forty years. After all, Dziwisz was not only one of the pope's most trusted aides but his closest friend. EVIL BUNNY COMMENT: WELL, MILES! THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SHROUDS EVERTHING IN MYSTERY, FROM CHILD ABUSE TO THE FACT THAT THE POPE WAS DEATHLY ILL TO THE PAPAL SELECTION PROCESS. THINK MAYBE THEY'VE GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE? Dziwisz slept in a bedroom next to the pope's and was with the pope almost every waking moment. They dined together. Watched films together. During the pope's life, Dziwisz became one of the most influential voices in the Vatican. In death, he was at the pope's bedside and was one of only two mentioned by name in the pope's last will and testament. His emotional last moment with the pope was seen by millions as Dziwisz tenderly placed a white veil over John Paul's face, his final farewell. But in an era where tabloid-fueled guesswork makes for good ratings, I'm baffled as to why no one dared imply the unimaginable - that the pope and his secretary might have had a deeper relationship - not just that of pope/secretary, friend or father-son. Not that I personally think this is true or would ever do more than entertain the possibility, but did this not cross the mind of Larry King, Chris Matthews, or Brian Williams? After all, the day Monaco's Prince Rainer was buried, Larry King was brazen enough to ask a panelist if the prince's son, Albert, was gay. So, why not here? And, if Dziwisz had been a faithful nun, would the media not have at least speculated? EVIL BUNNY COMMENT: NO, MILES, BECAUSE MOST ANTI-HOMOSEXUAL PRIESTS ARE FAGS AND WOULD HAVE NUN OF 'EM! AND EVEN IF JOHN PAUL WAS STRAIGHT, THE NUNS AREN'T EXACTLY WHAT YOU'D CALL "KNOCKOUTS", ARE THEY? The reason for this potential headline "going gently into that good night," likely has nothing to do with the worth of the story or fear of papal disrespect, but everything to do with how most individuals, religious or not, perceive homosexual relationships - as strictly sexual in nature. OR MORE LIKELY, POSSIBLE SPECULATORS REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO SINEAD O'CONNOR AFTER SHE RIPPED UP THAT PHOTO OF THE POPE ON SNL. Working to change this perception might be the answer to the question on the minds of gay Catholics since Pope Benedict's appointment, "What do we do now?" It might also be the Church's answer to how it is to treat its gay parishioners and - more timely - how it should deal with the issue of gay marriage. A good start might be more practical than divine -- temporarily closing the good book and simply reexamining two accepted clinical terms: homosexual and heterosexual. Both are similar in that they imply sexual orientation. They are also similar in that they are each characterized by esthetic attraction, romantic love and sexual desire. What is different is obvious. Although both basically mean the same, in the public sector, the images conjured by each could not be more polarizing. Say or print the term heterosexual and the imagery is this: man and woman, romantic love, commitment, compatibility, marriage, children, and - more recently -- the buzz phrase "sacred institution." On the contrary, mention homosexual and what immediately comes to mind is sex. And, even worse, sex between two males or two females. All other characterizations are off the table - especially by those morally opposed to homosexuality and - god forbid -- gay marriage. The problem here lies both in how homosexuality is defined in the eyes of church leaders and the fact that - by their definition -- they are right. Homosexuality is a moral evil. After all, sex alone is not a foundation for anything pure. By itself, sex is a selfish pleasure that cannot sustain a relationship and taps more into an animal instinct than an ability to love and be loved. What Catholics and other religious leaders have failed to include in their spiritual equation is the reality that for homosexuals, like heterosexuals, sexual attraction constitutes only a fraction of their sexual orientation. The remainder is, indeed, pure. YEAH, PURE HELL! NOT SURE I AGREE WITH MILE'S LAST POINT, BUT IT'S AN INTERESTING IDEA. I FINGERED MYSELF DURING A COUPLE OF THOSE PARAGRAPHS. HOW ABOUT YOU?
SEX CHANGES BEWARE!
Transvestite pleads guilty in silicone-related death: from cnn.com. ALBANY, Georgia (AP) -- A transvestite who pumped industrial silicone into other men to give them feminine features pleaded guilty to manslaughter in the death of a man who suffered complications. Stephen Thomas, 31, will serve five years in prison and 10 years on probation under the plea to felony involuntary manslaughter, which he entered Monday. The plea was appropriate because those involved were willing participants and there was no intent to kill, Chief Assistant District Attorney Greg Edwards said Friday. The death of Andre Geter in December 2003 threw a spotlight on "pumping," a thriving underground practice among men living as women, particularly those who compete in beauty pageants and perform in drag shows. While medical-grade silicone is sealed to prevent leaks and is sterile, the industrial version is not and can cause infections. The silicone sealant that Thomas used on Geter is available in hardware stores. Geter, 23, suffered convulsions and fell unconscious after receiving injections in the hips and buttocks during a "pumping party" in Albany. He died of blood poisoning a month later. Three other men await trial on conspiracy charges. Edwards said the three provided rides to the parties and handed Thomas instruments during the procedures. In return, Thomas, who charged $300 to $400 for the injections, gave them free injections, the prosecutor said.
CREMORA LEE SIMMONS DIRT!
Hilarious gossip from the set of Russell Simmons' wife's quickly cancelled The View-style talk show! Oh Really...The Post reports that now "Life & Style" has been canned, stories are being told of donut-licking, lamp-stealing and other typical diva behavior. And controversy-magnet Kimora Lee Simmons is first up in the line of fire. According to a show insider, Kimora's antics drove the cast and crew crazy and contributed to the show's early demise. Page Six compiled some of the juicier accusations: *Kimora missed 35 episodes and gave wild excuses — like being in extended mourning for her dead cat. *Russell Simmons, was a repeated on-set nuisance who nagged producers to give his wife a bigger role. * Lee called the other hosts -- Jules Asner, Cynthia Garrett and Lynne Koplitz — "bitches and hos" and once berated a Teleprompter operator so badly that he quit on the spot. *She stole props such as lamps and once made off with an entire rack of lamb from the lunch buffet table. Staff routinely had to be dispatched to Simmons’ dressing room in order to recover the pilfered booty. * She forced producers to hire her and Russell's friends for costly no-show jobs, like a celebrity booker for $2,500 a week who never booked a single boldfaced name. *Simmons also threatened to beat up an eight-month pregnant assistant, prompting weary producers to send the woman home to avert trouble. *But perhaps the lowest point came when she supposedly had donuts delivered to the set, then licked each and every one so nobody else could eat them. The insider also sniped that although Simmons acted like a diva, she didn't even deliver ratings. "Sony hired her to bring in the urban audience, but many in the urban community are turned off by her claims of being 'black,' " our source said. The source concluded: "Basically, the only reason they didn't fire her is because producers thought the publicity would be bad." Sort of like the show. Simmon's rep, Rob Shuter, told Page Six: "All these allegations are hurtful and false. Kimora has a dedicated team that she treats like family. She's the hardest-working woman in the business." Stole a lamb? Licked donuts? Oh hell naw! Where’s the class? This dirt provided by http://bigparkmarketing.com/onpoint/issue102.htm If you like it sign up for their newsletter! And while you're at it sign up for mine! It comes out every...well, it hasn't come out at all yet but I'm working on it, beeyotches!
SPREAD THE WORD!
 Assemble on 1st Ave above 50th Street, 11am March by the United Nations Rally in Central Park, Heckscher Ballfields, 2pm more info go to: http://www.unitedforpeace.org/article.php?id=2788
MASSIVE BEAVER CAMPAIGN!
Pamela Anderson is a woman of many talents. Not only can she double as a flotation device in the event of a water landing, but she's a loyal friend to furry creatures great and small. "People who wear fur smell like a wet dog and they look fat and gross," the hypermammiferous bombshell writes in Jane magazine. "They look really immature and unenlightened." Pam isn't afraid to call out these supposedly zaftig-looking stinky pelt wearers by name, singling out some high-profile exes who have both faced criticism for designing fashion lines filled with hirsute pieces. "Every season the furriers put propaganda everywhere that fur is taking off again and they give free coats to idiots like Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy," rails the "Stacked" star. "It makes me nauseous." It's not exactly giving People for the Ethical Treatment for Animals the warm and fuzzies, either. The critter-loving group is ramping up their campaign against Lopez by targeting her make-or-break movie, "Monster-in-Law." "J. Lo's next movie may well be a remake of 'Escape from L.A.' PETA has her in our sights," vice-president Dan Mathews tells the New York Post. "On April 29, we'll be waiting for her outside Jay Leno's 'Tonight' show studios at 4 p.m. with a 30-foot beaver with a banner saying 'Fur -- Leave It to Beaver.'" BUT WAIT! I THOUGHT PAM'S STRETCHED BEAVER WAS ONLY 25 FEET!
NOT SURE HOW TO CONGRATULATE POPE BEEN-A-DICK?
Try sending a fecalgram! No shit! This is an excellent new service also recommended for republican officials who deserve a "special" thank you note. The Original Fecalgram™ is the product that started it all. It's our specialty, and still our #1 best seller. The Original Fecalgram™ is a 100% natural, freshly squeezed, human made turd that is sealed in a high quality box which we then decorate to make it look like an expensive gift. We then ship it, along with any message you provide, to anyone in America completely anonymously. Whatever your reason for sending a Fecalgram™, we'll be glad to do it for you... whether it's for revenge, as a practical joke, or for any other reason. Sound like fun? It is. No wonder they're so popular! Only $24.95! Viisit www.fecalgram.com. 
DELUSIONAL OR VISIONARY?
 A "delusional" former pro-football player shoots up Siegried and Roy's Las Vegas home to warn of the threat the illusionists pose to the world. What about the threat they pose to their audiences? They could die...from boredom! Go here for more: http://cbs2chicago.com/topstories/local_story_101012613.html How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Have a tiger drag him off the stage by his throat!
MY PAPAL SMEAR!
 Wrote this for HX magazine (hx.com) and it will appear this Friday--but I couldn't resist giving you, my dear readers, a sneak peek! Points to them for comprehending the importance of "my work". ANCIENT VATICAN SECRETS UNVEILED: HOW POPE BEEN-A-DICK WAS REALLY SELECTED! I cannot divulge the name of my source, but I recently met a papal insider at an undisclosed "adult" bookstore (the devout, humble man was on his knees), and after plying him with GHB, he happily divulged the fanatically well-guarded secrets of the arcane ritual of papal selection. Talk about cardinal sin! Here, in HX, I present a worldwide exclusive which details the ancient process which begins with an official solemnly uttering "Extra omnes" (Everyone out). The doors of the Sistine Chapel are slammed shut. I. The same official then giggles and utters "Extra omnes closetus". (Everyone out of the closet) and the 115 cardinals squeal "Hail, Mary!" at each other with girlish glee. II. Sick of that hour-long dirge which lists each of the saints, they launch into a two-hour karaoke session from hell which features songs from SISTER ACT and NUNSENSE. The black cardinals always steal the show with best singing voices, dance moves and "runway-in-robes" realness. III. They pay special tribute to Saint Michael.....Jackson and jealously praise the Queen of Pop for the large number of children he's molested. Unlimited rounds of "Jesus Juice" are consumed in his honor. The "girls" shriek as they hear the opening strains of Jackson's 1982 hit PYT (Pretty Young Thing). IV. Pope John Paul II's holy carcass is trotted out one last time. In a moment of closure they take turns ripping his photo in half a la Sinead O'Connor on Saturday Night Live and fight over who gets to steal his jewelry. A ribald round of polak jokes follows. Canonizing John Paul as a saint is briefly discussed. He is fondly mourned, but the proposed saint is quickly forgotten as they mourn, even more fondly, the closing of The Saint nightclub in NYC. V. Hundreds of condom balloons (their only Catholic-approved use) are released from the ceiling. The cardinals remove their mitres to reveal long blonde wigs underneath and gyrate as Madonna's LIKE A PRAYER begins to play. Italian Cardinal Martini tends bar and good lord! he makes a mean one. Candidates from Latin America vie for popularity on the basis of the quality of their country's cocaine. VI. The cardinals deliberate over which candidate can best handle today's dominant issues. The conservative faction urges the reinstatement of traditional practices like The Spanish Inquisition, witch-hunts, and forcing devotees to pay for candles which priests pretend to bless, until they remember that they're still practicing the last one. The liberal faction urges their brethren to keep the church vital by allowing priests to marry--met with a loud cry of "You mean, marry WOMEN?"--and updating the role of women in the church--met with a thundering unison chant of "Fish on Fridays, Not on Sundays!" All dis- cussion of women is then promptly ABORTED! A seven-hour debate over circumcision, complete with underage models from every nation, begins. VII. Nude altar boys enter swinging censers which cloud the air with fumes of marijuana, poppers, and of course, angel dust. Liturgy gives way to a "lit orgy". It's time for legendary "Browning of the Candlesticks". The swiss guards are then stripped and orally searched for "swiss cheese". VIII. The conclave agrees that an old, ailing candidate should be selected so that they can party like this again soon. A fist-fight breaks out amongst the Irish candidates and a full-scale brawl ensues. The last drunken, degenerate left standing declares himself pope and blows pot smoke up the chimney. Amen.
HALLELUJAH AND HAIL, MARY!
MICHAEL MUSTO LETS THE POPE HAVE IT IN HIS LATEST VILLAGE VOICE COLUMN: POPE SPRINGS ETERNAL: BUT WHY? BY MICHAEL MUSTO (villagevoice.com) Hardline Catholics Get Their Pope I'm surely going straight to hell if I say anything critical of the late pope John Paul II, but according to him, I was heading there in a handbasket anyway, so what the fuck. The truth is I am a bit fed-up with the wall-to-wall lionization of this man, who admittedly brought inspiration and faith to millions, but who also propagated some ancient, reactionary viewpoints that—just my humble fag opinion here—fanned the flames of widespread oppression, all in the name of God's will. Not since Ronald Reagan's death last year—when the dead prez became painted as a forceful, flawless leader, with nary a reference to his callous, longtime refusal to acknowledge AIDS deaths—has there been such a wacky whitewash of someone's controversial canon. This time around, all the cable channel phonies—few of whom have been known to live lives of quiet piety, especially the gays—took on a nauseatingly hushed, reverent tone as they indulged themselves in nonstop slobbering over the icon they exclusively portrayed as noble, divine, and even well accessorized. As evidenced by the overwhelming response to his passing, the guy surely tapped into the hopes and dreams of loving throngs around the world, all fighting for hotel rooms in Rome. But as I've clicked the channels for days on end, I haven't heard a single person question the "man of the people" 's rabid anti-abortion stance, his aggressive anti-condom platform, or his intense demonization of gay marriage as "a new ideology of evil, perhaps insidious and hidden, which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man." Of course maybe someone's death might not seem like the right time to say, "He furthered sexual guilt, disease spreading, and hate crimes," but actually, when there's exhaustive, weeks-long coverage of a man's life, what better time could there be? (At least a pundit on an ABC special did note that the pope may have disliked democracy as much as he hated Communism.) The reality is that, as the world—and even the church—started inching forward and becoming more accepting, John Paul II tried to hold things together with a moral vise that often proved intolerant and unrealistic. As women gained more control over their bodies and gays developed some rights of their own, he was frantic to push down the progress by promoting absolute respect for human life, except for individualists and "deviants." This was no shock—religion has traditionally specialized in messages of love that double as tools of persecution, and fanatics have always picked sections of the Bible at random in order to oppress unpopular people, while ignoring other parts that might put a damper on their own fun. Just recently, Christian, Jewish, and Muslim leaders all got together to denounce the upcoming Jerusalem WorldPride march and to agree on one thing—gays suck. The protest was an eye-popping reminder that so many of the different gods people pray to seem to have the very same queers-are-the-devil message. Even these groups' usual distaste for each other was effectively buried as they united in fear of the common gay enemy. As a shameless queen myself, I was brought up on strict Catholicism, but strayed after brilliantly sensing I wasn't that welcome in my own religion. Not only did the ruler-wielding nuns seem scarier than the flames of hell, but the church clearly wanted me to stay and be terrorized only if I'd admit I was a sinner and grovel for forgiveness. Given a choice between "immoral" nightclubs where people shrieked, "Girlfriend! You look fabulous!" and a place of worship where everyone snarled, "Heal your soul!" I chose the clubs and haven't looked back since. John Paul couldn't have been too upset about losing one more messy miscreant. A 2003 document issued by the Vatican reminded the world that "homosexual acts go against the natural moral law." (So what, I always wondered, should someone growing up with gay feelings do? Get electroshock treatments? Become a priest? Or simply be honest about them and live as a papal disgrace?) The report compassionately took pains to add that "allowing children to be adopted by persons living in such unions would actually mean doing violence to these children." This from the church that silently condoned abuse of children for centuries. The beloved pope was also dead set against the use of condoms to curb disease and unwanted pregnancy. After all, that would be acknowledging that humans actually have sex. Instead, the pontiff stood for the loftier goals of abstinence and/or marital monogamy, the kind of family values that, when preached too fervently, often result in scandal headlines. To further this no-nooky agenda, the church has long promoted the idea that condoms can cause disease more than they prevent it! Yes, listen to the Vatican and you'll believe that scumbags are inherently unsafe (gee, so is pushing abstinence or monogamy) and they actually encourage promiscuity (though the more scientific-minded tend to recognize that condoms don't cause sex any more than a coat brings on the cold). To the pope so mourned on cable, any kind of contraception was an absolute no-no because it blocks children, as if the world is somehow lacking in people. (And if condoms don't work anyway, then what's the problem?) You'll recall that his recent book went so far as to equate abortion with the Holocaust because both are supposedly a result of usurping the law of God. So an indigent woman who considers aborting an unaffordable baby (which, let's say, exists because Mama wasn't able to use condoms, and has AIDS for the same reason) was suddenly Satan and Hitler combined. And then there was the pedophilia-in-the-church scandal, which blew up in 2002 after decades of hush money payoffs and the transferring of accused child molesters to different parishes the way you'd move a rotting vegetable from the fridge to the freezer. The priesthood has long been a place for ashamed gays to hide (along with the truly devoted). In the old days, you usually couldn't make your Catholic family proud by coming out, but you certainly could do so by stuffing your sexuality, marrying God, and becoming a man of the cloth. The church loved the deception too—so much so that it turned a blind eye to the twisted intergenerational acts these self-loathing closet cases perpetrated while abusing their power. When it all finally exploded, the media erupted in GLAAD-protested reports that gleefully equated gay with evil, triumphantly playing right into the church's long-held theory that homos are bad people. I'm certainly not rejoicing that the pope has passed on—I'm not a big fan of human suffering and death, even if it brings one closer to God. Still, it's hard to forget that John Paul's love of society's fringe characters always had a big but attached. You know, we care for PWAs, but they're in this predicament because they're sinners. We denounce gay bashing, but—according to official doctrine—"the proper reaction to crimes committed against homosexual persons should not be to claim that the homosexual condition is not disordered." Oh, yeah? Well, I think a lot of your moral decrees were disordered, O holy Father. I certainly loved you for the sanctity and uplift I kept hoping I could turn to you for. But . . .
NEW POSTCARD FROM THE VATICAN!
This image created by Gilbert Baker (www.gilbertbaker.com), the gay Betsy Ross who also designed the gay rainbow flag. 
JOHN PAUL: A CULTURE OF DEATH?
By Arianna Huffington: A CORNUCOPIA OF DEATH Paint the last month black. It's been an orgy of mourning; a cornucopia of death. We've had Terri Schiavo, Pope John Paul, Prince Rainier, and Charles and Camilla's wedding--which felt as grim as any funeral. All brought to us in no-longer-living color. If nothing else, the media have outed themselves as the ultimate necrophiliacs. I expect CNN and Forest Lawn to announce a sponsorship agreement any day now. The pope's interminable interment was the magenta-colored cherry on the death sundae. The TV coverage was so over-the-top and utterly uncritical, it was as if John Paul had been, well, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Or, at least, Jim Caviezel. Now, I'm certainly not suggesting that the last week should have been spent trashing the late pontiff. His many achievements--taking on communism, embracing the Third World, speaking out for the poor, and standing up against war--surely deserved recognition and praise. But you'd think the wall-to-wall coverage would have included some serious discussion of the two tragic failures of his reign: his woeful mishandling of the church's child molestation scandal, and how his archaic position on condoms contributed to the deaths of millions of people, especially in Africa. The molestation outrage is a black mark that can't be whitewashed. Over 11,000 children were sexually abused and close to $1 billion in settlement money has been paid out, but the pope did not go much beyond decrying "the sins of some of our brothers." He never met with any victims, he never offered practical solutions to dealing with the problem, he never addressed the decades-long cover-up of the abuse. He even rejected a "zero tolerance" policy calling for the immediate removal of molester-priests, concerned that it was too harsh. Too harsh?! This is a man who wouldn't allow a priest to become a bishop unless he was unequivocally opposed to masturbation, premarital sex and condoms. So, in his perversion pecking order, you had to be dead-set against "self-love" but when it came to buggering little kids, there was some wiggle room. And let's not forget that the Pope appointed Cardinal Bernard Law, who was one of the architects of the sex scandal cover-up, and who even faced potential criminal prosecution for his role in the concealment. But instead of making an example out of Law, the pope gave him a cushy sinecure in the Vatican. Adding insult to the grievous injury suffered by the abuse victims, Law was one of the nine cardinals specially chosen to preside over the pope's funeral masses. It is a disgrace--and an indication of how detached the Vatican became under this pope. The other stain on the pope's legacy is his tireless opposition to the use of condoms--even in places like Africa, where AIDS killed 2.3 million people last year alone, and where the disease has driven life expectancy below 40 years in many countries. But even in the face of that kind of suffering, he fought tooth and nail against condoms. Any time a church official even suggested that people infected with HIV should use condoms, they were either removed from office or censured by the Vatican. We were told again and again last week about how committed John Paul was to promoting a culture of life. I guess the 20 million people who have died from AIDS are the exception that proves the rule. On the other hand, the pope's passing might have saved the political skin of one of his culture-of-life cohorts, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. If you have a series of looming ethics scandals about to come crashing down on your head, having the media focused 24/7 on something else is a very lucky break indeed. But, in the end, it's going to take a huge celebrity dying every three days for the next few months to keep The Hammer from going down. The presence of DeLay at the pope's funeral in Rome, along with President Bush, the First Lady, Condoleezza Rice, Bill Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Bush Sr., was a stark reminder of our perverted priorities. The pope dies and it's Must Holy See TV; 1,547 American soldiers die in Iraq and President Bush and Laura have yet to attend a single one of their funerals. Not a single one. Maybe the president only goes to funerals of people whose death he wasn't involved in.
JACKIE BEAT "WEIGHS IN" ON POPE AND SCHIAVO!
My L.A. sister Jackie Beat (www.jackiebeatrules.com) kindly allowed me to re-print her inlosang.com advice column here and you can see, that whore is still off her rocker. (Forgive me, but I don't know how to correct whatever it is that turns her apostrophes into "aEtm's" by the time it reaches me. OK, I'm practiacally computer-illiterate.) After rocking electro dancefloors worldwide with last year's FUCKING ON THE DANCEFLOOR from their REALLY RICH ITALIAN SATANISTS ep (my fav was the definitive new wave cut ASYMETRIC), Jackie just finished recording her band Dirty Sanchez's first full length album. But back to her advice column: Dear Little Miss Know-It-All, In light of the recent drama surrounding Terri Schiavo, would you please remind your millions of readers to make sure their wills are ready in case the unthinkable happens. Concerned in Carson Dear Concerned, Yes and I will also take this opportunity to tell those close to me that should I become braindead, NEVER REMOVE MY FEEDING TUBE! And it should be big enough to handle all the stuff that I've had to cut out in order to lose weight like pepperoni pizza, double bacon cheeseburgers with avocado, chicken nachoes, onion rings, chili cheese fries and German chocolate cake. Oh, and don’t forget mama’s Diet Dr. Pepper! Thanks. Dear Little Miss Know-It-All, I can’t believe that Pope John Paul II is dead. I didn’t even know he was sick! I’ve been crying all week and was wondering how are you dealing with this earth-shattering news? Signed, So Sad in Studio City Dear Sad, I am in shock. While the world lost a much-loved, well-respected religious leader -- I lost my best friend. For obvious reasons J.P. (that’s what I called him) wanted our friendship to be on the D.L., so no one really knew that we were buds. But we were. Best buds. I’ll never forget the night we met. I was vacationing in Rome. After a wonderful dinner of spaghetti and meatballs, salad with roma tomatoes and REAL Italian dressing, lots of Chianti and the best garlic bread I’ve ever had, my friends all wanted to go back to our charming hotel to get a good night’s sleep so we’d be fresh the next morning for our early sightseeing tour. But it was my first time in Italy and I was too excited to call it a night so I went clubbing. To say that Italian men are sexy is like saying that I am a good drag queen -- it’s the understatement of all understatements, you know? As I danced to the annoying Euro-disco music, swarthy men with bedroom eyes put their big dirty hands all over my snow white skin. Fingers disappeared into me and tongues lapped the sweat from my body as every brown eye in the room was fixed on my young undulating American body. Suddenly, a towering man in an Armani suit and black plastic wrap-around sunglasses approached me. He bent down and whispered into my ear, “His excellency would like you to join him in the VVIP area.†Now I have blown more than my share of B-list celebrities like your Stephen Dorffs and your Stephen Baldwins in Hollywood’s varous VIP areas, but I have never been in, let alone heard of, a VVIP area. I grabbed my purse and went with Mr. Body Guard. “Hmmm, I wonder who requested the honor of my presence?†I mused as we worked our way through the labyrinth of the club. Sophia Loren? Pavarotti? Ciccolina? Imagine my surprise when those red velvet curtains parted not unlike the red sea to reveal the motherfuckin’ Pope! For some reason I just started laughing hysterically and J.P. rolled his yes, shook his head and said, “I know, I know. Sit down, you bitch.†He was wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt that had been bejewelled with Swarovski crystals (that should tell you how long ago this was!) and a pair of baggy black Dickies with a Deadsy patch right at the crotch. I sat down and we drank Appletinis (again, cut me some slack, this was a while ago!) and snorted the best coke in the world which he kept in that big gawdy ring of his, of course. We also made out, but the sexual chemistry just wasn’t there. It was pretty obvious as we made fun of people’s outfits and recited dialogue from “Showgirls†that we were meant to be best girlfriends. He called me J.B. and I called him J.P. and when the sun came up he vanished like a Catholic Cinderella, leaving me with nothing but memories and a throbbing headache. I cabbed it back to the hotel and got maybe two hours sleep before going on our scheduled sightseeing tour. When our bus pulled up to the Vatican, I was hoping maybe I’d see J.P., but I didn’t. The tour guide informed us that he was “resting†and I can’t blame him, honey. That bitch can party! I don’t remember telling J.P. my birthday but every year an amazing present would arrive from him -- a Limoge pill box in the shape of a human heart, bootleg concert videos of KISS, a beautiful baby boy with blue eyes. And he would call, too. We would talk for hours and laugh and make fun of people and he would tell me his problems and how the church really pissed him off sometimes. Now he’s gone. No more laughter, no more bitch-fests, no more gossiping and the saddest of all, no more amazing gifts. J.P., I will miss you. | | | | | Inbox
REMEMBER JUSTICE?
Neither does Bush. He and his cronies are trying to stack the courts with extremist right-wing judges who to push forward their agenda. Let me put it this way. If you were on trial, wouldn't you want a fair one? Then you'd better act now. The 9-day countdown is on. Write your own letter--just reading the facts should sufficiently outrage anyone--but do it now at http://www.moveonpac.org/lte/lte_t.html?t=1&zip=10011<e_campaign_id=20&id=5369-1644652-NOLZGIaXA2htNSY.sZyL5w. I recommend selecting a national paper to send yours to--if you're in NY, you're just preaching to the converted. Here's my letter. HELLO? Remeber checks and balances? If Bush and his cronies are so all-fired patriotic then why are they trying to undermine the system upon which this country is founded? Far from respecting the time-honored system, republicans seem to view the judiciary as a mere hindrance. Bush was careful to officially distance himself from Delay's judicial bashing during the Schiavo fiasco but had his wife play bad cop while on a pointless junket to Afghanistan, which I'm so glad I payed for. Shrouded in secrecy, with fewer press conferences given than any president since press conferences began, the last thing we need is an un-checked, secretive, dishonest Bush. And if Delay, at the top of his party, is so odious, imagine if the rest were held up to closer examination. A balanced judiciary is the only hope we have to save us from Bush's fanatical (and unsuccessful) agenda. C'mon, people! Are you in such a religious frenzy that you'd override our Constitution? I think it still works pretty well. Or is that being un-American? And to see how Justice Scalia got zapped at NYU go here: http://nightcharm.com/?p=100. But write your letter first, dammit!
NOT SURE WHAT TO WEAR TO THE PROM?
DUELLING CAMEL-TOES
First we have Miss Canada:  But in an overwhelming majority decision , Miss Detroit takes the cake (and eats it to.). 
TOUCHING...
How this crippled gospel singer who can't move her arms can manage to hunt with a gun triggered by her foot! God showed her the way! For more, visit stephanieleavins.com, and thanks to Martha for sending me this. We all know that the Lord works in mysterious ways, but the real mystery is why he favors a cripple over those poor animals Stephanie likes to kill. Oh deer! Praise him! For pix of Stephanie in an unbelievably deranged-looking hunting ensemble with a dead deer lying next to her wheel chair, visit www.stephanieleavins.com. They accompany the following article. Stephanie Leavins 27 from Bagdad, FL, is an amazing young lady. She travels throughout the United States, singing and giving her testimony. But one weekend out of the year, she trades in her glitter and glam for camos and a rifle. Stephanie has been a part of the Mobility Impaired Hunt, sponsored by Eglin AFB and Jackson Guard, for 7 years. This February she bagged a huge 9 pt. buck, 160 lbs. 17 ½" spread, with 9" tines. This is the largest deer ever harvested in the Mobility Impaired Hunt. This is one of the highlights of her year. Stephanie says “it’s a wonderful experience, and it shows other people that you can do anything you put your mind to. I love to hunt and enjoy the woods and the outdoors. This hunt lets people know that, even with a disability, you can go out and enjoy God’s country and have a good time doing it.” “It’s such a blessing to fellowship with all the other hunters. Stephanie was born with Muscular Dystrophy, but she hasn’t let this disability slow her down a bit. She has served as an inspiration and example to others, shedding a bright light on many of life’s most consequential issues including faith, giving and sharing of one’s self and living with adversity. Stephanie cannot use her arms and has been confined in a wheelchair all her life, which makes it all the more amazing how she could shoot her gun. Her dad, Earl Leavins, has made a special apparatus which allows her to shoot her 30.06 rifle herself. The gun is mounted on a swivel stand that is connected to her wheelchair. The trigger mechanism is controlled by a toggle switch mounted onto the footplate of Stephanie’s chair. The switch is connected to a battery in her wheelchair and to a solenoid mounted on the side of her gun. When Stephanie activates the trigger on her footplate, it sends an electrical current to the solenoid that causes the gun to fire by manually pulling the trigger. Stephanie is a deadly shoot with this set up. The nine point she shot a few weekends ago was between 75 to 80 yards away and ran about 200 yds. before falling dead. Stephanie says,” The main goal for me is to really let people know that it’s possible to do anything no matter what your disability, “ she says. “ A lot of people that are perfectly healthy don’t realize what a wonderful gift they have. The main reason I love to hunt is to do something that a lot of people that are healthy take for granted.” Stephanie adds, “ I’d love to encourage anybody that feels that, maybe because of the life they have, they can not do anything for the Lord, if they are discouraged and down, to come out and learn that, through His grace and His love, anything is possible. No matter what your circumstances or your condition, you can do anything through the Lord.”
LENO ON CHARLES AND CA-MULE-A
CNN interviewed one english lass who felt sorry for Camilla Parker Bowles. She opined, from behind the bar in Cornwall where she worked, with one long crooked tooth outside her mouth, that people didn't like Camilla simply because she wasn't as pretty as Diana, and that it had little to do with the situation's impropriety. I agree. But a good joke is a good joke. And Jay Leno created a queen-ius skit in which Gilbert Gottfried dragged up as Camilla in a "live feed" from a bridal shop. Sample lines: JAY: So, you're in a bridal shop picking out your wedding dress? GILBERT: No, I'm picking up my bridle! (as if that's what the horse-face heifer might wear.) JAY: What is Prince Charles like around the house? GILBERT: Oh, just like any other guy. He eats breakfast, grabs the newspaper and goes and sits on his "throne" for a few hours. JAY: Is he a good listener? GILBERT: Sure! He's all ears!
I iS OfIshALLy A JUrNALiST NOW!
I DOnE GOT ME A muNThly collum in Genre magazeeN. Itsa gonNa StarT runnin IN mAY. It is gud. U by it. U ReAd it. (My first column will address Health and Fitness, so obviously it is a humor-based affair.)
MADAME/ MAHER: SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
 Madame Fever continues to sizzle, igniting passions worldwide! Muaaaaaah!!!!!!!!! Robert was sweet enough to send this pic in--and spell-checking his lahst nayme, I found Bill Maher's site which must be as genius as he is. It's www.billmaher.com. Check him out. (I'm feeling guilty for comparing him to an old drag puppet so I'm giving him a plug. I know he cares a great deal about what I think.)
WAYLAND FLOWERS
 I loved this article (below) which Lypsinka sent me on that puppet Madame's flamboyant creator. Though Dame Edna, Rupaul, and films like TO WONG FOO and PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT would nab mainstream exposure in the 90's, in the 80's, the world wasn't quite ready to permit a free-standing drag queen, so Wayland had to squat his faggot-y ass behind a couch and only put his hand in drag via this puppet. But what a puppet! I have rented MADAME TAKES MANHATTAN, the video of "their" night-club act, at least 10 times and highly recommend it. It's a little racier than Madame's sitcom or HOLLYWOOD SQUARES appearances. In fact, it has an almost racist black hooker puppet named Jiffy who is seated on a garbage can talkin' trash outside the theater where Madame is performing. Celebrity cameos include Alice Ghostly, BEWITCHED'S Aunt Alice! And for those of you who enjoyed the Madame/Dionne Warwick Separated At Birth? blog entry, it turns out that they both hosted SOLID GOLD! I hear conflicting rumors that 2 different puppeteers have obtained the rights to re-birth Madame, but she has yet to emerge. WE WANT MADAME!!! Flowers, Wayland (1939-1988) The complex relationship between the puppeteer and his puppet, an inanimate object that he has invested with a life and a personality of its own, can take many bizarre twists. Such is the case of Wayland Flowers and his puppet "Madame," who, arguably, was far more famous than her creator. Indeed, a decade and a half after Flowers's death, there is little biographical information available about him and he would seem a mostly forgotten minor celebrity of the 1970s, while a search of the internet reveals that "Madame" still retains a cult following. Sponsor Message. Wayland Flowers was born in Dawson, Georgia, on November 26, 1939. He began to practice puppetry at an early age, drawn, perhaps, by a puppet's license to say and do in public a wide variety of things forbidden to its human operator. In the 1960s, Flowers moved to New York, where he was an assistant puppeteer for a number of children's television shows. But while he entertained children during the day, he also developed "Madame," an "adults-only" puppet, a grotesquely ugly and flamboyantly ribald old crone festooned in outrageous evening gowns, tiaras, and rhinestones. Flowers performed with "Madame" in nightclubs and gay bars, where her frank and often acerbic observations about sex, men, and life in general, similar to those expressed by drag queens in their acts, gained the "dirty old lady" and--by extension--Flowers a following that led to frequent television guest appearances on variety and talk shows. By the late 1960s, Flowers and "Madame" had become regulars on the comedy program Laugh-In, one of the most popular television programs at the time and known for its cutting-edge topical humor that frequently challenged network censorship. In this context, Flowers was able to present a campy gay point of view mediated through his puppet. Naughty old ladies have long been a staple of bawdy comedy, able to indulge sarcastically in double entendre and sexual innuendo and yet be found amusing rather than offensive, if for no other reason than the audience perceives older women, no matter how stereotypical, as being past any serious sexual interest. This comedic incongruity, then, could be taken to even greater lengths by means of an old lady who was not only extraordinarily ugly (though pretending to be a great beauty) but who was also, in reality, wood and wire rather than flesh and blood. In this way, Flowers was able to express on prime-time television the attitudes and desires of many gay men in the early days of gay liberation--views that would otherwise have been regarded as pointedly offensive to mainstream audiences--without censure. Throughout the 1970s, Wayland Flowers and "Madame" appeared frequently on television, as the hosts of Solid Gold, a weekly popular music show, and on the game show Hollywood Squares, where, after nearly a decade of guest appearances, they succeeded Paul Lynde, a gay comic as bitchy and queeny as "Madame," as the all-important "central square." By the early 1980s, the puppet/human relationship had taken a strange turn in Flowers's career. "Madame" became the star of her own sitcom, Madame's Place, in which she played the lead role, interacting with the other actors as if she were human. Flowers, ironically, remained completely out of sight, his function as "Madame"'s voice the only outward evidence of his presence. Indeed, she seemed to take on a life of her own, eclipsing Flowers until he became invisible--both literally and figuratively--behind her. As a result of his invisibility, very little attention was drawn to his personal life, and thus it was a surprise to many when Flowers died in Hollywood on October 11, 1988, a victim of the AIDS epidemic. "Madame" was buried with him. Patricia Juliana Smith iPublication Name: glbtq: An Encyclopedia of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Culture Publication Date: 2003 Date Last Updated December 12, 2002 Web Address www.glbtq.com/arts/flowers_w.html
PIGSTOCK RETURNS!
Wigstock, the festival of Love and Hair-Piece that refuses to curl up and dye, will return to it's "roots" in Tompkins Square Park on Saturday, August 27th 2005. Last year was a soggy mess but it didn't keep thousands from turning up to see a veritable WHO'S WHO of the NYC drag community perform, including the insane Sugga Pie KoKo (aka Bugga Pie Cuckoo), pictured below in a fit of, well, only "her" psychiatrist knows for sure. She was joined by Boy George, RuPaul, Graham Norton, Lypsinka and Warhol legend Holly Woodlawn, who performed the Lou Reed rock Classic WALK ON THE WILD SIDE which she inspired. We are proud to be organized through the genius HOWL festival which creates dozens of other summer events--check their site at www.howlfestival.com or check out Wigstock's site at www.wigstock.nu. And hell, get a t-shirt while you're at it and WEAR ME OUT! (Warning! T-shirts are sized a wee bit small and they do shrink, being of finest cotton and such.)  
DIS-GRACE JONES TRAIN-WRECK
 Jones, 52, also verbally abused the female inspector after being asked to pay for a seat upgrade on the Tuesday evening service from Paris to London, Eurostar spokesman Paul Charles said. "We are not pressing charges but we will not tolerate any verbal or physical abuse from anyone against passengers or staff on Eurostar," Charles said. No one was immediately available for comment Wednesday at the office of Jones' lawyer in New York. The singer-actress was traveling with a first-class ticket but sat in the premium-class area, Charles said. When the ticket inspector asked her to pay for an upgrade, Jones said she had no money and refused to move, he said. "She was arguing and verbally abusing the train manager. She then attacked the manager, grabbing her arm," he said. "A male catering assistant managed to separate the two women and tried to calm Ms. Jones down." Jones would have paid around $564 for a first-class return ticket, Charles said. A one-way premium upgrade would have cost her an additional $132. British Transport Police said they were called to the train when it made a scheduled stop at Ashford, south of London. A spokesman said Jones left the train there at the request of officers and added that no further action was being taken. 04/06/05 15:12 EDT
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAWAII
 AND MISSISSIPPI 
CHECK OUT THIS BASKET CASE!
This gal went all out (of her mind) for Easter this year.  
"TO TOUCH, TO ABSORB WOOD, TO BE FOOD"...
This by far the best interview I've ever done. It's for the Brazilian gay website Mix Brasil as translated by Google, and I've never been more lucid! Lady Bunny Mix Brazil interview the New York celebrity drag For Paco Llistó 10/2/2005 Multimedia and workaholic. Lady Bunny is drag queen owner of the pair of legs more cultuado in New York and obtains to make of everything a little, without losing the pose: it is DJ, actress, to performer, writer, singer and composer. E it promises not to stop for, since she plans to recently present its proper program in the TV -, it made a "assay there" as actress in the series "Sex and the City". In interview to Mix Brazil, drag speaks on its friendship with Michael Alig, controversial producer of the club Club Kids in the decade of 80 and that he was famous with the film Party Monster, covered with star for Mcauley Culkin, and also on its envolvement with drugs that, according to it, still they are the main fuels of the scene gay in New York. Lady Bunny is the responsible one for organizing has 20 years the Wigstock celebrity, festival that queens discloses new every year drag and that already it attracted 40 a thousand New Yorkers more than. Drag does not consider an icon gay, but it assumes that already it is "working in this". It is possible that in brief Bunny he shows its talent in Brazilian lands - its entrepreneur already demonstrated interest in bringing it for here. E, if exactly to come the São Paulo or to the River, drag promises to come armed of "many condoms". How you started its career? When I age child, always stow involved with theater and adored to play with maquiagens. When the New Wave blew up in the start of the decade of 80, I started to use maquiagem to frequent of the clubs and the wig appeared a little time later. I was vitiated! It counts a little to me on the Club Kids. Who age Lady Bunny at that time? I worked in the Pyramid Club and I tried to gain visibility. Michael Alig always arranged one jeitinho to convoke people of different scenes (clubs, art, fashion, music, dealers, prostitutes etc) and then it started to contract me. I never was in truth one "club kid". My visual age (and still it is) a little as one drag retrô of years 60. Some of club kids had horrorosos names as Kabuki Starshine, that if later became an artist of the maquiagem. The scene had definitively much energy. But the people very used ecstasy, cocaine and Special K. The parties of Michael were fancy and I wanted that somebody I had the same energy and enthusiasm that it had at that time. The clubs of New York are very flat lately. You it attended the Party Monster? What you it found of the final result? It was faithful to true history? I attended the set of documents how much to the covered with star film for Macaulay Culkin in such a way. In the truth, I am a little tired of speaking on the subject. One was fofoca interesting when the current events had been disclosed. The films had appeared years later and they simply already do not interest me. I lived to that, for me I am not entertainment. If it was faithful? I do not agree to the idea of that Michael attended the films of terror in infancy (as he considered one of sets of documents) and for cause of this its life fantasiou to kill somebody during all. I only find that it was an animal enjaulado at that moment, vitiated to some types of drugs and that was being chantageado for a dealer who demanded it money senão would kill it. I do not find that Michael would kill somebody for cause of this and being sober. I knew it very well. How it was its friendship with Michael Alig? I still correspond myself with Michael Alig in the arrest - is it who is in the arrest, ok? In one determined moment it confessed me that he doped himself in the arrest. I was furious and I wrote to alert it to it who the drugs had the Tornado an assassin. Why to play with them? I am certain that it is a very difficult life, but at least exists much sex! I knew that it painted my picture in the wall of the arrest. E you already used drugs? Not, you have some there? Yes, clearly that I used. What detesto I they are the drugs that now are popular in the community gay of U.S.A., as the GHB, Special K and Crystal. The people are dying for cause of this. They can kill you. Or at least to leave you so placed that they make with that you practises unproctected sex. In the truth, an advertising announces: "it buys Crystal and it has taken HIV of favour". How was its participation in "Sex and The City"? You like it program? It is not my favourite program, but I was happy in making it and was amused to work with others 100 drag queens in scene. But it was difficult. In July it is very hot in NY and them they had had that disconnect conditional air because of the racket that it made. We were all melting! E, clearly, in the end of 13ª writing hour, them had decided to make mine close. I felt that I was born a beard in my face! You prefer to work as DJ or actress? Who is its favourite DJ? E music? Taste to make everything: to act, to sing, to write, to touch, to absorb wood, to be food - it can bet! My favourite DJ is Lil Louie Vega and its Master at Works is my favourite producer of music dances. I am not very involved with the "circuit of the music" that many gays like in U.S.A.. He counts a little to me on the Wigstock Festival. How you see the work of new drags currently? The Wigstock (something as Festival of the Wig) is a festival of drags to the outdoors that I organize I have 20 years - I started to organize when he had it only 2 years - brincadeirinha! It grew and in the last years stars as Deborah Harry, Boy George, Rupaul, Deelite, Crystal Waters, India and Ultra Nate already queens had been presented with all drag. Www.wigstock.nu for more information has access our site, but it visits my first one: www.ladybunny.net . I do not know drags new that they are so good how much of old, but I always wait to find them! Which was the best show that you already made? It is very different if to present in U.S.A. and other countries? I finished to present me in an event in Toronto with Patti Labelle and Jocelyn Brown and I knew the two. It was sufficiently exciting because they are my ídolos! If to present outside of U.S.A. can be interesting if it has the barrier of the language, especially if you it makes comedy, as I. If you he will be singing, is not so difficult. How it is its work as colunista in magazines? He is excellent! Currently work for magazine INDEX. Also very I write in mine blog and adore when fans write me. Mainly when they are pretty Brazilian boys who send me naked photos! (laughs). You do not find that she works very? In New York you need to work without stopping to obtain to gain the life. She is one of the cities most expensive of the world. E I cannot stop to work until obtaining to arrive where I want to arrive. Canals gays are initiating its operations in U.S.A. and still I want to present my proper one programs one day! You consider an icon gay? Still not, but I am working in this. E its new site? It says a little to me on it. Well, I am inexperienced in the InterNet, am astonished at the power to promote, to connect, either there what it will be! In my site you can read articles on me, to see videos of my performance, to lower musics that I composed and sang, and to see decades of photos of the night of New York. You recently received the prize from Better Drag in NY. Which was the reaction? It was a very great honor, although to have that to laugh a little of it. I do not follow the fashion - my appearance was thought to seem different and I not use clothes of famous estilistas. Perhaps I use them if they to fit in me! You know Brazil? He never stows beyond Rich Port, but dream in one day to present me in Brazil. E if I will be, I I will take many condoms! Some people say that you have the prettier pair of NY legs. What you think on this? This comes when I leave to hunt! To hunt is a great exercise, but to the times thin I my knees... Which are its new projects? It counts a little on The Heroes of to me Bad Taste. It is a program that I recorded for [ canal ] VH1. I I do not know when they I will show it, but I recorded plus one for the VH1 on the events gays of the last year intitled BIG GAY 40. All my projects are in my site, then they do not leave to have access it! 2005 ® Mix Brazil - All the all rights reserved
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER BEING IN CANADA...
but I guess I was: POTTY-MOUTH MAN CAN'T FOOL SCIENCE By IAN ROBERTSON, TORONTO SUN An allegedly drunk driver with a taste for trickery failed to foil a police breathalyzer machine after stuffing his mouth full of feces. "I don't think alcohol alone would make you do something as disgusting as that," South Simcoe Police Insp. Tom McDonald said. "I've never heard of anything like this before," the 28-year veteran said. Arrested Sunday after his Ford pickup truck was pulled over on Hwy. 11 in Stroud, the 59-year-old driver was loaded into a cruiser and taken to a South Simcoe Police station for testing. En route, Sgt. James Buchanan said, the prisoner vomited, urinated and defecated in the squad car. At the station the man grabbed a handful of his own waste "and placed it in his mouth, attempting to trick the breathalyzer machine," he said. It didn't work, Buchanan said. The machine registered two readings of more than twice the legal blood alcohol limit. The man was charged with impaired driving and driving over the limit and was released on a promise to appear in a Bradford court on May 12. It looks like I shot it while in Vancouver with that crazy House of Venus crew. To view me as a demonic newscaster go to: http:www.markkennethwoods.com/phtiph.html and click on PIMP AND HO: TERROR IN PANSY HILLS. 
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