SAW DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS WITH HEKLINA--

--WE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR! No, actually Heklina, who runs the queen-ius drag club Trannyshack in San Fran-sissy-co (the scene which spawned the Scissor Sisters' AnaMatronic) was in town to perform at Trannyshack NYC and copped some free tix to the hardest show in NYC to get tix for.

Well, that's what a gaggle of well-turned out southern ladies were overheard saying outside the theater. They had settled for SWEET CHARITY tix (with Christina Applegate?) and wanted someone to snap their photo with the marquis in the background. I watched them try to get up the nerve to ask someone to snap it for them. They looked at me. But as my neck was adorned with a fanciful choker made entirely of hickies, so I'm not sure they felt they it wise to approach me. (Of course, that could have been the drool or the fact that I was playing with my nipples, too.) So I broke the ice and offered and even gave them some coaching. "You're on Broadway, girls! Let's see some razzamatazz!" After wearing them out with 30 or more poses, I think they grew afraid I was some lunatic who'd run off with their camera. (I was.)

Sometimes New Yorkers criticize tourists for coming to NYC and never venturing out of the Times Square tourist park with it's Hard Rock Cafe-type restaurants, B'way theaters, etc and taking the time to hunt down NYC's more eclectic neighborhoods. And they probably don't, but I'll criticize myself and say that I stay in the funky, eclectic neighborhoods and rarely see a B'way show! For sheer razzle dazzle, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is da bomb! And aside from John Lithgow, the stars are Broadway through and through. I can't stand it when TV/ film/ recording stars are given plum roles on B'way though they lack the stage presence of a true hoofer. But with tons more musicals and a largely out-of-town audience, the dumbing down of Broadway is in full effect. Why should The Great White Way differ from the rest of the country? I shuddered when I heard that John Travolta is being considered for Edna (the Divine/Harve Fierstein/Bruce Vilanch role) in Hairspray. But what do the producers care if John has none of their timing, delivery, etc? Crowds would pay to see a "straight" star in drag, even though he's probably wrong for the part. It's more about name recognition these days than talent.

You see, my bitterness wells up even while I'm trying to praise a show! Heklina got us 2nd row center seats. That curtain opened and BAM! out came the showgirls. All thin and attractive, covered in rhinestones, with high kicks and attitude--these bitches let you have it from minute one! I was floored--they'd stolen my act! The black girl (Amy Heggins) was so unbelievably regal and poised and such a proficient dancer that I couldn't take my eyes off of her, even when the stars entered. Before you could say the word--much less think--"lull", the girls re-entered with new dazzling looks as the fab orchestra cranked up. The gratuitous show-bizzy stuff works so well when it's meant to be just that--fun fluff done only as B'way can.

Musicals are not my fav genre, but I quite liked some of these tunes by FULL MONTE composer David Yazbek. John Lithgow is not the strongest singer but he has his own magic. I think part of it is that you sense that--and I know this sounds hokey--he's such a decent guy and talented enough to deserve every one of his "breaks". And he plays a vain, distinguished con man well. Then fucking Norbert Leo Butz erupts onstage in a whirlwind of mugging and physical comedy that leaves Jim Carey in the dust. And Norbert really milks his songs dry. The ensemble? (insert red-wine spraying Liza voice) Terrific! The cast got a standing ovation, though I hear that all B'way shows get one nowadays. It completes the tourists' pat B'way experience. And god knows New Yorkers can't afford them to see shows with their astronomical rents!

I guess I'll sum up by saying that free shows are always better! (Hint, hint!)