December 31, 2005



This child is driving me out of my mind. Hey, bless her little heart and malformed spine, and I wish her a speedy recovery, happy new year and all that. It's a sweet story. American soldiers find a baby Iraqi girl about to die from a rare form of spina bifida unless they cart her off to the good ol' US of A for the costly surgery which an Atlanta doctor is donating. Baby Noor's folks couldn't afford the operation even if it were available in their god-forsaken country. Our heroic soldiers went out of their way to help this girl, it's reported. And it's reported on very often on CNN with several minute long segments devoted to it every day, tugging away at our heartstrings.

It's tugging at a few of our gag reflexes, too. This is pure propaganda. US forces aren't in Iraq to save spina bifida victims! Or any other kind of victims! We are in Iraq to CREATE VICTIMS! We are killing Iraqi people without good reason. Baby Noor is the exception, yet SHE is heavily covered. If you spent 5 minutes profiling the victim of every baseless murder committed by our troops in Iraq we'd watch nothing else past 2007. Where's the background story on the members of that wedding party who were blown to bits by an air raid? Wouldn't that make a sweet enough story? "Speak now or forever hold your"--KERPLOWIE! In October I was in England where the news is a bit more balanced, and saw the mangled bodies of several teachers who'd been killed. Talk about tugging at your heartstrings. TEACHERS! People who devoted their lives to educating others--brutally struck down. In a war started by us, a country where it's becoming more and more difficult to find people willing to go into the caring teaching and nursing professions. Odd, that there's not many jobs available and yet people don't want to become teachers or nurses. Or soldiers, anymore.

So you saved one girl. Hoo-fucking-ray. I'm glad my tax $ is being spent to fly over and house troops for years to save Iraqi babies and fly them and their fathers and grandmothers over here for free surgeries. It's a blatant attempt to put a softer face on the less and less popular war. Don't you see it? It's brainwashing! Just like naming the attack and occupation of Iraq Operation Iraqi Freedom, the exact opposite of what you are seeing on the news is the truth. Soldiers aren't saving infants' lives, they are killing and being killed. That's what soldiers do. You have to read between the lines to get the truth--even on CNN, the supposedly "liberal" news channel.

The soldiers had not stopped by for a cup of tea and a neighborly chat, they were on a routine visit/raid/security check/"knock-and-search"/whatever you wanna call it.


Pfc. Justin Donnelly, an Army medic in the unit that found the child, examined Noor and said it was apparent something was wrong with her. "I really wanted to help her as much as possible," Donnelly said Friday.

In the first place, why would a medic be making routine security checks--unless perhaps, this was all a photo op? ("Ask around. Find a cute kid that's hurt or needs some operation she can't get over here. Oh, and make sure her name is easy enough to pronounce--even for the president.") In the second place, if you really wanted to help as much as possible, you'd get the fuck out of her country and stop renting yourself out as a thug to a greedy moron named Bush.

"I feel like God put me here to help this little girl so, that pretty much makes my whole trip here worth it."

Oh, right, God put you there. God loves war, doesn't she? I guess God does work in mysterious ways. You go all the way over to Iraq to kill people--even though your "God Is Love"--and end up saving one! Hallelujah! It's a blessed miracle! And the regiment which found Noor--CNN reported over and over again-- was from Georgia--the red state where the child will be operated on for free. Halle-fuckin-lujah for the red states, too! See! They have even the little Iraqi babies' interests at heart!

While they're still little and cute enough to enable Bush to get some mileage out of their rare medical conditions, that is. Little Baby Noor wasn't old enough to be aware of relatives killed during the occupation or even miss the electricity and clean water which have been less plentiful in Iraq since the US invasion. Or old enough to vote in the election which is perhaps a more imortant symbol for us than for Iraqi's. Hell, she's too young to even have to wear one of those muslim head-scarves. And she's too small to strap a bomb to, but you'd better check her and her relatives out anyway before flying them over here anyway.


Once Noor does arrive in the United States, Dr. Roger Hudgins, the chief of neurosurgery at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta, has promised to perform the delicate operation for free.


Hudgins said that while the surgery will probably help Noor, there's no guarantee that it will cure her of her condition.

It will PROBABLY help Noor, but there's no GUARANTEE. That's how desperate the government and their henchmen in the newsrooms are to make a mountain out of a molehill and whitewash our perception of this war. Yeah, we'll go out on a limb to save this baby girl--that's why we are in Iraq! The same day it was first reported, a very short news item was thrown in afterward. There was an "upward tick" in violence in Iraq that day. Oh! But analysts felt it was probably just the last wave of insurgency reacting against the great, historic elections we'd provided the Iraqi people.

Look. Before you award me "The Bitterest Thing of 2005" on New Year's Eve, I'm glad for Noor, but her possible triumph shouldn't overshadow the tragedy at the root of our mission in Iraq--even for 5 minutes 5 times a day. And though I'm hesitant to concede any victory to Bush, maybe the elections are a sign of hope in Iraq. Too bad the party the we DIDN'T want to win won. And election results are being disputed as fraudulent. So maybe we are beginning to transfer some of US-style "democracy" to the Middle East after all. Maybe Baby Noor can even enjoy McDonald's in her homeland by the time she grows up. If she does.



January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 Said
"2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
darn little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain swamped, because
top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the phone!!!


2005 certainly was memorable, but not one of the--shall we say?--happiest years in history. Hopefuly, the natural disaster-related trend will slow up in 2006. In irreverent honor, here are my picks for the events and people who shaped this last year.


Freakish disasters like hurricanes, floods and earthquakes wreaked havoc on the lives of millions worldwide, leading many to speculate that global warming may have screwed up the earth irrevocably. (Too bad our president practically refuses to acknowledge global warming's existence!) Despite all the sorrow--at least one good joke came out of it:


Other prominent freaks of nature in 2005 included TomKat (help, it's multiplying!) and Michael Jackson. The Queen of Pop has been absolved of all charges, is recording a Katrina benefit tune, and was spotted at the London stage production of BILLY ELLIOT. Shocking! The adolescent Billy character seems much too old for Jacko. But now Michael can go back to doing what he does best. Singing? Nope! Dancing? Nope! Molesting his own kids!


Forget those Supreme Court nominees and their paltry scandals. This district judge would make Terry Shiavo blush. District Judge Donald Thompson of Oklahoma is facing allegations that he masturbated with a penis pump while presiding over his courtroom--even while hearing a murder trial! Jurors may be forced to listen to 180 hours of court tapes, which contain the penis pump's whooshing sound! Insane!


Kanye West broke ranks with the rest of the largely homophobic hip-hop community to publicly denounce gay-bashing. He then electrified the nation at a Katrina event, saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people." For a minute, it seemed like at least a smidgeon of the revolution WOULD be televised. But actually, Bush doesn't care about poor people of any race, Kanye.)


Popular US religious leaders rivalled fanantical Muslim clerics with the outrageousness of their pronouncements. This year, Pat Robertson pegged Katrina as God's revenge against the selection of Ellen DeGeneres as host of the Emmys. On his show, The 700 Club, Robertson claimed "By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God's wrath...Is it any surprise that the almighty chose to strike at Miss DeGeneres' hometown? Wow! I didn't God was that cruel! Maybe he doesn't like Ellen's chat show? Or maybe it's just that freaks like Pat Robertson who misinterpret his message of love into one of vengeful hatred that has his holiness' dander up?


Political disgrace was somehow more exciting when it involved cum-stained dresses--but leave it to the Republicans to serve up some real political scandal. Plamegate has made Karl Rove awfully nervous. Bill Frist is under investigation for insider stock tips a la Martha Stewart. Tom Delay's been indicted for election fraud and has been forced to step down from his role as majority leader. Even his replacement is under "funny money" investigation--is corruption a prerequisite for elected Republican officials? The Repubs have inextricably linked their policies to good ol' time religion. But when their parties leaers are under regular investigations and indictments, even a blind conservative church-goin' granny from a red state can see that repubs can't even follow the law of the land, much less God's law.


Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a bill that would have legalized same-sex unions in California. Arnie, you might wanna come correct with the gays cuz whichever hairstylist is dying your sad burgundy straw-hair and eyebrows is having quite a cackle behind your back as retaliation. For chrissakes, even Jackie Stallone's hairdresser would be an improvement!


The Catholic church, under brand new Poop, I mean Pope, Benedict XV!, demanded that all gays, regardless of whether or not they were practising homosexuals, be removed from the church. Then the church announced that it actually will allow gay priests to join it's ranks, as long as they aren't overtly gay and don't "Hail" each other's "Mary's" too flamboyantly. Good Idea! Bury their sexuality so deeply with shame that it has to manifest itself where it can, like with choir boys! Well, that's always been condoned by this church--just don't mention it.


I agree wholehearted with the heroine of 2005, Cindy Sheehan: We should impeach the man who killed her son and so many others. And the members of the mainstream media should be jailed. Whoops! I guess that includes little ol' me, since I's now a "journalist." Well, after another year of the horrible flop that are Bush's economic, social and foreign policies, free housing and 3 meals a day aren't sounding so bad to me! Not to mention all the sex I can handle--maybe even some I can't. OUCH!

OH well, here's to a better year in 2006. At least it rhymes with something I know most of you like!



My monthly fashion/beauty advice column continues in Dutch magazine Star Style. (And yes, I'm aware of how ridiculous the notion of me giving anyone advice on either is--but hey, they approached me!) In case you don't visit the Netherlands often, subscribe to Star Style, or read dutch, here's my latest column.

Dear Bunny, I am desperate for a man! What scent lures a guy to my bed? A fresh scent like Calvin Klein's Eternity, a heavy odeur like Poison by Dior or the watery scent of L'eau by Issey Miyaki? Or shall I opt for the empress Josephine way? Her husband Napoleon forbade her to wash herself when he was away conquering countries. Her unwashed state apparantly really turned him on when he came back. Charlotte, 24 Utrecht

Charlotte, I believe that Napoleon was trying to scare off potential lovers who might court Josephine while he was away. Wasn't he often on expeditions for years at a time? Pew! Of course, the french do enjoy eating those ripe, smelly cheeses....

But you're not in France, and I think it's important to cater your perfume to the type of nose you're trying to attract. Do you heat up over hippies? Throw some flowers in your hair and wear hashish oil--and red, bloodshot eyes will follow you wherever you go. Like your hunks a little rough around the edges? Generously spritz on beer (imported, please) as cologne and carry a see-through bag full of bread crumbs and cigarette butts--homeless men's faces will light up with glee! Or are you looking for a traditional, old-fashioned husband? Smear yourself with cinnamon-scented apple pie and wear an apron. Maybe you fancy a lesbian? Then just pop a herring in each of your bra cups and the girls will cum licking--I mean running. Turned on by garbage collectors? Take a tip from Josephine and don't wash--you'll make those burly studs feel right at home. (I'll even give you an excellent pick-up line which never fails when cruising a garbage truck: "Hey, if you like to pick up trash, HOW ABOUT ME?")

Personally, I wear an exquisite fragrance which was actually created centuries ago for Empress Josephine: Bouquet Imperiale by Roget et Gallet. It's very inexpensive and deliciously intriguing. Sometimes I even use it as mouthwash!

All that to say, a girl's scent is a very personal matter. There may be some guys who know enough about women's perfumes that you could impress them by choosing a brand new, expensive fragrance. But Charlotte, these men are gay and they will never screw you! They may even ask you to borrow a spritz! If you know that a guy you've got a crush on favors a certain perfume then by all means try it, but I think you'd be better off satisfying your own nose. When you march into a club knowing that you look and smell great, your confidence grabs the guys' attention. And if your look or attitude stinks, wearing half a bottle of the priciest scent on earth won't help a bit!


Down on the Ranch, President Wages War on the Underbrush
Bush Conscripts Aides in Tireless Pursuit of Clearing Ground

By Lisa Rein

Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, December 31, 2005; Page A03

CRAWFORD, Tex., Dec. 30 -- On most of the 365 days he has enjoyed at his secluded ranch here, President Bush's idea of paradise is to hop in his white Ford pickup truck in jeans and work boots, drive to a stand of cedars, and whack the trees to the ground.





A stinging year-end review from NY Times.

A year ago, everyone expected President Bush to get his way on Social Security. Pundits warned Democrats that they were making a big political mistake by opposing plans to divert payroll taxes into private accounts.

A year ago, everyone thought Congress would make Mr. Bush's tax cuts permanent, in spite of projections showing that doing so would lead to budget deficits as far as the eye can see. But Congress hasn't acted, and most of the cuts are still scheduled to expire by the end of 2010.

A year ago, Mr. Bush made many Americans feel safe, because they believed that he would be decisive and effective in an emergency. But Mr. Bush was apparently oblivious to the first major domestic emergency since 9/11. According to Newsweek, aides to Mr. Bush finally decided, days after Hurricane Katrina struck, that they had to show him a DVD of TV newscasts to get him to appreciate the seriousness of the situation.

A year ago, before "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job" became a national punch line, the rising tide of cronyism in government agencies and the rapid replacement of competent professionals with unqualified political appointees attracted hardly any national attention.

A year ago, hardly anyone outside Washington had heard of Jack Abramoff, and Tom DeLay's position as House majority leader seemed unassailable.

A year ago, Dick Cheney, who repeatedly cited discredited evidence linking Saddam to 9/11, and promised that invading Americans would be welcomed as liberators - although he hadn't yet declared that the Iraq insurgency was in its "last throes" - was widely admired for his "gravitas."

A year ago, Howard Dean - who was among the very few prominent figures to question Colin Powell's prewar presentation to the United Nations, and who warned, while hawks were still celebrating the fall of Baghdad, that the occupation of Iraq would be much more difficult than the initial invasion - was considered flaky and unsound.

A year ago, it was clear that before the Iraq war, the administration suppressed information suggesting that Iraq was not, in fact, trying to build nuclear weapons. Yet few people in Washington or in the news media were willing to say that the nation was deliberately misled into war until polls showed that most Americans already believed it.

A year ago, the Washington establishment treated Ayad Allawi as if he were Nelson Mandela. Mr. Allawi's triumphant tour of Washington, back in September 2004, provided a crucial boost to the Bush-Cheney campaign. So did his claim that the insurgents were "desperate." But Mr. Allawi turned out to be another Ahmad Chalabi, a hero of Washington conference rooms and cocktail parties who had few supporters where it mattered, in Iraq.

A year ago, when everyone respectable agreed that we must "stay the course," only a handful of war critics suggested that the U.S. presence in Iraq might be making the violence worse, not better. It would have been hard to imagine the top U.S. commander in Iraq saying, as Gen. George Casey recently did, that a smaller foreign force is better "because it doesn't feed the notion of occupation."

A year ago, Mr. Bush hadn't yet openly reneged on Scott McClellan's 2003 pledge that "if anyone in this administration was involved" in the leaking of Valerie Plame's identity, that person "would no longer be in this administration." Of course, some suspect that Mr. Bush has always known who was involved.

A year ago, we didn't know that Mr. Bush was lying, or at least being deceptive, when he said at an April 2004 event promoting the Patriot Act that "a wiretap requires a court order. ...When we're talking about chasing down terrorists, we're talking about getting a court order before we do so. It's important for our fellow citizens to understand, when you think Patriot Act, constitutional guarantees are in place when it comes to doing what is necessary to protect our homeland, because we value the Constitution."

A year ago, most Americans thought Mr. Bush was honest.

A year ago, we didn't know for sure that almost all the politicians and pundits who thundered, during the Lewinsky affair, that even the president isn't above the law have changed their minds. But now we know when it comes to presidents who break the law, it's O.K. if you're a Republican.




British tourist Sharon Tendler has finally made her dream match - by "marrying" a dolphin she has been visiting for 15 years in the Israeli resort of Eilat, the mass-circulation Yediot Ahronot daily reported today.

Ms Tendler, 41, has been visiting the city on the Gulf of Aqaba two or three times a year to spend time with her 35-year-old underwater sweetheart.

"The peace and tranquility under water, and his love, would calm me down," the Israeli daily quoted her as saying.

Last week, Ms Tendler finally plucked up the courage to ask the dolphin's trainer for the mammal's fin in marriage.

The wedding took place on Wednesday, with the bride - wearing a white dress and watched by amazed spectators - walking down the dock to where the groom was waiting in the water.

She kissed him, to the cheers of the spectators and then, after the ceremony was sealed with some mackerels, was tossed into the water so she could swim away with her new husband.

"I'm the happiest girl on earth," the bride was quoted as saying.

"I made a dream come true. And I am not a pervert."

December 30, 2005














For New Year's? Aunt Laurie may be available. Check out the rest of their roster:



Ya gotta love a bitter queen who tells it like it T-I-S!

"It's very brave of them"

Everyone who’s tired of the media—and Madonna—calling Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger “brave” for acting in Brokeback Mountain, please raise your hands. Then say it with me: “poppycock”

By Charles Karel Bouley II

An exclusive posted, December 13, 2005

It started eating at me when I saw a little preview on Logo for upcoming movies. It said, “Logo salutes those who were brave enough to play gay...” or something like that. It stuck in my craw (or whatever the human equivalent is) for days: brave enough to play gay. But since I have ADD (no, not attention deficit disorder, aging diva disorder), I quickly forgot and moved on.

Then the topic again came into view, and craw, with weeks of prerelease coverage of Academy Award-winning director Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain, which stars two allegedly straight hunks, Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. Even before the movie was released, the accolades for these two began pouring forth. Gay Goddess Madonna saw the film and told the British magazine Attitude, “They’re really good, those boys, and they did a great job. It’s very brave of them.”

And there’s the problem. The media seem to be running with a recurring theme around this movie: the “bravery” of the actors playing the roles, the “courage” it took them to do it, and the “speculation” about whether America is ready for a “gay cowboy movie.” Certainly not a position a liberal would take, so it befuddles me how the media is labeled “liberal.” Because the media has all but compared these two to war heroes for their portrayal of two closeted cowboys in a story of unrequited love and personal deception.

Say it with me: poppycock.

Now, there can be no doubt it took awhile for this movie to be made. And there can be no doubt there was a lot of fear surrounding it. And that’s what the media should be talking about. Instead of playing into the homophobia about how courageous it is to play gay, the media should be examining why it’s OK to play a rapist, a demon, a vampire from hell, a serial killer who eats his victims with fava beans and nice chianti, or any of the hundreds of sick, warped, twisted characters Hollywood puts out and we gobble up. Why do studios green-light films all the time that have gruesome plots or despicable characters, and why did this film languish for years?

If it really is the gay thing, then the media needs to take Hollywood to task, instead of lauding the courage of the people who ended up making the film.

According to the Hollywood Reporter’s story of November 11, the movie struggled for years to get made, in part because no actors would commit. According to the story, actors would read it, love it, and then their agents would advise them against it even though it was, according to most, the best script they’d read in years. Those actors obviously had no courage in turning down the script, according to the press, yet not one interview has been done with the interviewer calling such an actor a coward. We can laud the heroes but not call out the cowards, I suppose.

The media’s obsession with the “courage” and “bravery” is just plain crap. First of all, I thought Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal were actors, as was every person who turned down the script. And I thought actors were paid, often large amounts, to be somebody else. In other words, they are paid to play people who are not themselves. So why on earth would playing gay be a problem? Actors take on roles all the time embodying despicable or reprehensible characters. No one clamors to them and tells them how brave they are. But the media make a big deal when a straight guy kisses another straight guy on-camera. (Or a woman kisses a woman, for that matter—remember Mariel Hemingway and Roseanne?)

Are they, and thus America, so insecure that they actually believe if two guys kiss on-screen, they’re gay off-screen? Bi? Curious? Are we still that much in the dark ages when it comes to being gay? Can we all just finally agree that it is not learned, it is not forced, it is as organic as breathing? And just because a person “acts” gay doesn’t mean they “are” gay. So when an actor acts, he is doing just that, and when the lights go off he goes back to his Hollywood starlet.


December 29, 2005


Condom statue angers Catholics

John Hooper in Rome
Friday December 23, 2005
The Guardian

A British artist has outraged Roman Catholics around the world by advertising a statuette of the Virgin Mary enveloped in a condom in a respected Jesuit weekly.
The artist, Steve Rosenthal, offered readers a chance to buy a "a stunning 22cm statue of the Virgin Mary standing atop a serpent, wearing a delicate veil of latex". It provided an email address at which prospective buyers could register interest.

In a front-page article in the Italian daily Corriere della Sera, Vittorio Messori, a literary collaborator of the late pope John Paul, expressed horror at the way the sperm cup at the end of the condom had been arranged so as to sit on top of the Virgin's head, "like a grotesque cap replacing the royal crown of tradition". The Jesuit weekly, America, which calls itself the US "national Catholic weekly", apologised in its latest issue. A spokesman told the Guardian: "We made a terrible mistake by publishing this. We only saw the ad in black and white, so we didn't see how serious it was."


Transvestite nativity shocks Rome

A nativity scene that includes naked women and transvestites standing near the baby Jesus has caused outrage in Italy.

The scene was created by the Scuotto siblings from Naples, who are famous for carving traditional nativity scenes.

Their latest, more controversial, offering is now on show at the San Giacomo church in Rome.

Father Raffaele has refused to remove the set despite members of the congregation expressing their outrage at the "blasphemous" scene.

Defending the sordid depiction of the birth of Christ, Salvatore Scuotto said: "Such scenes are a part of reality.

"The real scandal is when figures such as Bin Laden or George Bush are used in nativity scenes."

December 28, 2005




A Florida restaurant says it has been blessed just before Christmas. Workers claim a holy image has appeared in one of their cooking pans. At the Stadium Club in Jacksonville workers have found what they believe is an image of Jesus in a nacho warming tray.

The pan is used to heat waterwhich then heats the food. The image was created from mineral deposits in the water. One of the cooks says he went to empty the pan last night and saw Jesus looking back at him. A spokesman for the Stadium Club says they will not continue to use the pan.

Someone pulled this off a Pennsylvania newspaper website, where people can leave their comments. Most postings there thought the image looked more like Osama bin Laden. Another comment posted: "That is NOT mineral deposits, it's intelligent design."



December 27, 2005


Excerpts from article. Read full article: YAHOONEWS

WASHINGTON - In an unusually candid admission, the federal chief of AIDS research says he believes drug companies don't have an incentive to create a vaccine for the HIV and are likely to wait to profit from it after the government develops one.

And that means the government has had to spend more time focusing on the processes that drug companies ordinarily follow in developing new medicines and bringing them to market.

IAVI estimates total annual spending on an AIDS vaccine is $682 million.

"This represents less than 1% of total spending on all health product development," IAVI said. "Private sector efforts amount to just $100 million annually. This is mainly due to the lack of incentives for the private sector to invest in an AIDS vaccine — the science is difficult, and the developing countries that need a vaccine most are least able to pay."


I don't know what this is or who wrote it (my friend Howie Pyro sent it), but it's a hoot!

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed
by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.


FOXY BROWN SLIPS JUDGE THE TONGUE: Rapper cuffed to court bench Friday for disrespectful behavior

*Foxy Brown was almost thrown in jail for 30 days and forced to fork over a $1,000 fine during a court date Friday for allegedly showing disrespect to a judge, including sticking out her tongue to prove that she wasn’t chewing gum.

The rapper, who is nearly deaf from a rare hearing disorder, was in court to plead guilty to disorderly conduct after striking a deal with prosecutors that would keep her out of jail and require her to perform 10 days of community service.

Brown was originally charged with assault in a 2004 nail salon incident in which prosecutors allege she attacked and kicked one worker and hit a second worker in the face over payment for a manicure.


Village Voice describes Li'l Kim's current tour:

Lil Kim. Still on tour, Lil Kim goes from one corner of her cell to another singing "Lighters Up" and occasionally "Lighters Up (Reggaeton Remix)," which is "Lighters Up" with a very pronounced lisp. Pretending cinder blocks are her fans, she sometimes holds a lighter up near the block as if the block is holding the lighter, then gets taken to a nearby hospital for burning her finger.



The titles that could have been attached to the cockbuster western flick BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN:

10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain"
9. "How The West Was Hung"
8. "Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"
7. "For a Few Dollars More We Can Make It a Threesome"
6. "Go West, Young Man...Now South...A Little More To The South...Oh God, Yes! Right There!"
5. "Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"
4. "The Good, The Bad and the Fabulous!"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
2. "Oklahomo"
1. "Fun With Dick In James"



Those wacky faux femmes at San Francisco's 10 years and counting legendary Tuesday night dragfest have a 2006 calendar out. I have to admit, with a touch of jealousy, that it looks fab and would make an ill addition to any home even if you aren't familiar with the demented divas of San Fran-sissy-co like Smallsetta Knockers, Fudgie Frottage, Putanesca, and the grand ol' foundress herself, Heklina. The whores featured and the price is cheap ($20--Heklina will blow you for $10--$15 for unsafe) but the photography and art direction actually look rich and professional!



Someone has stolen a cinnamon bun said to look like Mother Theresa from a Nashville coffee shop, where it's been proudly displayed in a glass case since 1996. Guess the thief was short on bread! Good one! Feel free to use it! Just warming up! I'm here every day this week at noon! Is this thing on?

If you don't believe me: NUNBUN

C'mon, Mother Theresa was not that fucking ugly! I mean, she was ugly, but not this booger. This looks more like Saint Frederika Flintstone. These religious freaks are desperate for "miracles" that they'd actually display this for 10 years? Much better likeness on this FATHER SON AND HOLY TOAST miracle bread.



Remember that traditional Christmas/Holiday saying? Well, there isn't too much peace or goodwill emanating from our president, despite his claims that he's guided by faith in God. (Which one? Satan? Beelezebub? Mars? Loki?) Bush has started a war against the wrong country, Iraq, where no weapons of mass destruction were found and which had no connection to the Al Quaeda-led 9/11 attacks. It's openly discussed that Bush mislead us by falsifying intelligence to support his desire to go to war. Sure, Saddam was no sweetheart, but that doesn't mean he's responsible for 9/11 either. Bush wanted to attack Iraq before even 9/11, and after the tragedy he played on our grief and fear to get us to back his aggressive foreign policy. Where's the peace or good will in this supposedly Christian man? Does a peaceful man start a baseless war? Does a man with good will toward men allow the torture of other men?

Our tax dollars continue to pay for a war that most Americans no longer support. Yet he keeps on bullishly backing this baseless and unpopular war. Where is the voice of all these Americans who are being polled who distrust the war? Why aren't they more organized? Why aren't they saying much and why did it take so long for even the media to openly second-guess a war which was declared "won" years ago? Are YOU one of these people who is dissatisfied with the Bush administration? Are YOU doing anything? Are YOU saying anything? Are YOU contributing any money to the organizations like which have consistently held Bush's feet to the fire, uncovered his lies and kept those petitions circulating to our representatives to demonstrate our dissatisfaction? If not, then the blood of American and Iraqi soldiers (and Iraqi citizens) is on YOUR hands and YOU had better take some responsibility for the murder that's being committed in YOUR name. That's what a democracy's supposed to be about. How the hell are we going to establish a democracy in the Middle East when our own is slipping away?

We sit back and try hard to imagine why sensible Germans under Hitler's murderous regime weren't screaming out against their leader's atrocities. Well, living as they were in a military state, they had even less freedom to speak out than we do--so what's our fucking excuse for being so spineless and uninvolved? Do we want to be remembered in history as sheep who were too preoccupied with Jennifer Anus-ton's hairstyle or Fifty Cent or sports or American Idol to speak out against our own leader's atrocities? I hope that most of you will answer "no", and if so, as Gwen Stefani put it, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Get involved now, before more lives are lost! People are dying as I type this! Are YOU doing anything about it? If you have no time to physically join protests, donate! Give a gift to the world! It, unlike many of the recipients of gifts exchanged this year, really needs one! Righting a world class mess like this one takes some commitment from the folks who supposedly care. C'mon out and openly denounce this scumbag--if you're reading this email, you're probably being spied already on so what's the difference?

Rumsfeld went to Iraq over the holidays to console the troops and actually mentioned their "guaranteed heroes position' in history books. Well, as American indians and blacks will tell you, history books have been falsified before and may well be again. But no reputable history book will be singing George Bush's praises when it comes to this illegal war. Bush's secretive administration has held less press conferences than any president since Kennedy. Why? Well, besides the fact that he's unintelligent and can't handle hard questions or even pronounce "tough" words like nuclear, he also has a lot to hide. A liar generally does. Yet through script doctors and joke writers, Bush's approval ratings actually improved after his 4 recent speeches to explain his determination to win the war in Iraq. This is insane! Why on earth would a re-statement of his purpose in Iraq (ie: the same ol' shit) raise his approval ratings when the failing war is illegal to begin with? Either Americans are stupid enough to fall for the reasoning of a stupid man with some decent speechwriters, those poll numbers were doctored, or both.

Sunday on MEET THE PRESS, Ted Koppell stated that there is one thing about the war in Iraq that no one is mentioning: THAT THE WAR IN IRAQ IS ABOUT OIL. Our main pipeline Saudi Arabia has a very unpopular government that could combust at any moment, and without some sort of stability in the Middle East, especially in another oil-rich country like Iraq, the US and Europe would be fucked if our access to Saudi oil were cut off because their large population of discontented youth started a revolution--the kind which we just had a taste of in France with disenfranchised, unemployed, and--OK, I admit it, sexy--youths.. That's why Bush wants democracy/stability/US occupation in Iraq--he's nervously eyeing Saudi Arabia and weighing up other options, including his recent, thankfully failed attempt to begin drilling for oil in Alaska.

But Bush didn't do his homework on Iraq--or much else, including grammar. Years after victory was proclaimed and Saddam's statue was toppled, the leader of the free world with his huge military force and sophisticated weaponry still can't win a war against a much smaller, much poorer nation which couldn't shoot a bomb anywhere near our country if they fucking had one--which they don't! And Bush and Rumsfeld may throw us a bone and mention that a few less troops will be deployed so that their approval ratings will rise, but the fact is, this war may never end. Those Sunnis, Shiites, and whatever else is over there have been bitterly fighting each other for centuries and we've deposed Saddam, the only bastard brutal enough to keep them in check. Now we're faced with the seemingly impossible task of keeping imposing a western-style democracy in the heart of the Middle East, a region which hates and distrusts us! Dream on!

I'll admit, I was a little turned on by the sight of all of those hunky Iraqi soldiers jabbing their soiled fingers in the air after the election. And I'm always resistant to "pulling out"--but back to the war!

I'm no military strategist, so I can't, unlike John Murtha who called for immediate troop withdrawal, concoct a plan for pulling out or guess what it's effects might be. But I do know this. WE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! AND THE MAN WHO PUT US IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS MESS NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE, ESPECIALLY IF HE FALSIFIED THE EVIDENCE UPON WHICH THE WAR IS BACKED!

It's really frustrating that Democrats, as the Republicans happily point out, aren't coming up with many solutions. Well, I have an idea for one. Let's start by admitting our mistakes. Let's openly acknowledge that there were no weapons of mass destruction and that there were no ties between Saddam and 9/11. Let's then ask for help, working with the international community to figure this mess out. You can run as many news segments on the UN's "oil for food scandal" to demonstrate the organization's corruptness as you like, but no organization is perfect and the fact is, the United Nations could actually unite and hammer out some plan which might work better than that of an ignorant, greedy and belligerent cowboy whose idea of diplomacy is "You're either for us or against us." As long as there's a world leader like Bush, who is willing to ignore the UN and launch a disastrous pre-emptive attack like the one on Iraq, no one on this earth is safe.

Bush is on his holiday--sorry, Christmas--vacation and I wonder if in prayer or in some hymn he'll utter the words PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD WILL TO MEN. My wish for 2006 is that there were some way for him to remember those words when he returns to the White House. For such a supposedly religious man, he's certainly has conveniently forgotten about the commandment "THOU SHALT NOT KILL." So I guess it's up to us to remind him!

December 26, 2005


This short is beautifully shot and hilarious! There's even a costume change! This one's a must see!



Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with
only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin'
what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do
ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, '
Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't`ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

December 24, 2005




This house music classic from 1991 by the gorgeous Sabrina Johnston is perfect for a holiday PEACE IN THE VALLEY theme. Reminds me of when dance music was actually hummable.




December 23, 2005


Spread Christmas cheer with a few Bronx jeers in this video by some serious acid ravers with some serious acid reflux!





She's still got it! Those devil eyes! LOVE HER! And in case you can't read it, it's signed YOURS, CRUELLY!


Darlene Love sings CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE JEWS in this animated short:



Dustin from Texas sent me this one:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Arizona, Texas, Ohio or Alabama on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives.. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.


Now The Onion's biggest loser has her own site--and the music's awful purdy!

Jean's Proverb of the Week!

Depending on how you look at it, I either work part-time, or I'm semi-retired!




This is from an actual press release sent to a friend at indy radio:

Subject: Interview source / NYC transit strike

Dear (Name Withheld),

I am working with (Name Withheld), celebrity fitness trainer named "the
hottest trainer in America" by Out magazine. He has developed a fitness
routine called "The Traffic Jam Pump," a tool to help New Yorkers
maximize their
time during the transit system strike.

I've pasted a press release for you below. Please let me know if I can
schedule an interview for you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you,
(name withheld because I'm sure this publicist googles herself constantly))

This has got to be the most ridiculous notion on earth. I asked my friend at WFMU to PLEASE have him on the air and have her first question be "What makes you think the transit strike would last long enough for your fitness routine to take any effect whatsoever?" (It's already over.) Maybe a second question could be "Why would you think that most New Yorkers have cars to get stuck in so they could use your plan--that's the whole problem with the strike, dunce!?!" And if anything, New Yorkers are exercising more than ever, marching miles in the freezing weather to and from work, you ninny!

I actually enjoyed walking from the West Village to 81st and Park Avenue for a doctor's appointment--technically I was "on transie strike" and called in sick to my show at XL Wednesday night. It was funny to see all the New York characters out in force--the haggy New York broad angrily blowing her whistle on a bike, the cab-drivers bickering in more languages than there are middle-eastern spices in the average cabbie's fart, unbothered, well-turned out upper east side ladies being pushed in wheelchairs by their maids and some very confused, cheated tourists. But it did remind me of post-9/11 NYC when there was this feeling that New Yorkers can always find a way to cope. (I can't believe it, but I'm actually echoing the sentiments of The NY Post's Andrea Peyser here.) Sometimes ya gotta pay your dues to live in the USA's greatest city and when ya do ya fuckin' make the best of it. Today, we're back to normal, and with the weather a little milder, you remember how wonderful "normal" is in NYC, baby!

I don't know too many of the details of the negotiations, but Bloomberg was more likeable than ever in his forceful denouncement of the union as "thuggish". He wasn't his usual disinterested-seeming self, and perhaps it was his no-nonsense approach which kept the strike short. I think shutting the city down should be the very last resort--especially around Xmas--and that's coming from an atheist! My friend from Tea and Sympathy mentioned that he lost $20,000 in unsold Xmas merch which won't be sellable after the holidays. He's not a major chain who can afford to take a financial hit--just a small entrpreneur whose marketing plan was royally fucked by this ill-timed strike coming out of the blue.

I realize that unions are necessary to act as a voice for the voiceless workers. But my personal experience with union workers has been with sound technicians in larger venues like Lincoln Center. (OK, I ain't frontin' like I play there every night--I was there once 8 years ago! But I've been in other large venues--ok, as a customer, but what the hell!) These guys are typically assholes with a "dare-me-to-fuck-up-I-can't-get-fired" attitude. I guess their dream gig would be roadie for a Stones tour, so they seem to think that the idea of a drag queen or track act with a cd backing track is beneath them. (And they usually aren't cute enough to make ya want to get beneath them!) So they're either so disinterested or incompetent that they have no problem fucking up simple instructions like "I want this loud"or "Start the track when I'm introduced." I'm not slamming unions in general, but my personal experiences with union sound people has usually been bad, if not horrid.

I think drag queens need a union to meet our special needs.


1. Drink tickets upon arrival--10 per hour should suffice. Does not include complimentary shots of Jagermeister.

2. All payments to be made in cash, off the books.

3. Double pay if we are forced to wait until the club closes to get paid by a coked-out club-owner--unless they share!

4. Regular "powder" room breaks.

5. Spare pairs of queen-sized support hose, nail glue and hairspray to be provided by venue on request.

6. A private sucking station, with a sanitary ledge for our dentures, which should be re-sanitized after use. Industrial strength sanitization required for Chi Chi Larue's "engagements."

7. Dressing rooms to be shared only with strippers who are hung over 10 inches. We're big "girls" and it takes a lot to satisfy us!

8. "Fun", frisky customers who raise our skirts, squeeze our falsies, or say "Love your hair, hope you win!" are entitled to a stinging smack on their stupid, drunken faces.

9. Healthcare benefits to include a shot of Geritol and a bump of Doan's upon arrival.

10. Retirement age will be dropped to 50. Sorry Lypsinka and RuPaul! But you had good runs. Well, considering...

11. Pension plan to include a Bob Mackie bugle-beaded gown upon retirement--it'll make that inevitable triumphant return to the stage even more sensational!

December 22, 2005



New study says all hangover cures are bogus. Unless you just never stop drinking!

LONDON (Reuters) - Forget aspirins, hairs of dogs and hot baths, the only sure way of avoiding a hangover is not to drink in the first place, according to a new study.



Karen Hughes, in charge of US diplomacy in the Middle East, abandoned the publication of hi mgazine, a slick Arabic-English magazine designed to put a friendly face on the US to largely hostile Arabs. The $4.5 million ANNUAL publication cost for the free mag was not deemed worth it in terms of effective pr.

Duh! Drop a bomb on Arab nations with one hand and hand out a free propaganda rag with the other. No one's gonna buy that shit. I resent that my tax dollars would ever be considered for such a pointless plan! The last month's issue actually featured a story on "state of the month", Texas--ie, birthplace of the man Arabs know as Satan.


The slick Arabic-English magazine, hi, focused on American culture and life. About 55,000 copies of hi were distributed per month in 18 countries; most copies were given away.

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said Karen Hughes, the former Bush White House adviser who is now in charge of public diplomacy in the Middle East and elsewhere, wanted to evaluate whether the $4.5 million annual publication cost was well spent.

Like U.S.-funded radio and television broadcasts intended for the Muslim world, hi was criticized as propaganda. Features this month included one on Texas, the state of the month, and one on multigenerational American households.

"Part of what she wants to do is see if we are actually being effective in getting our message across to the intended audience," McCormack said. "So part of this assessment is to take a look at different feedback ... take into account these kinds of critiques of the magazine and see what the next steps are."

Rami G. Khouri, executive editor of Lebanon's The Daily Star, last year called hi and other U.S.-funded media outlets in the Arab world "entertaining, expensive, and irrelevant."

"Where do they get this stuff from? Why do they keep insulting us like this?" he wrote.

There are no plans either to scrap the project entirely or to resume publication, McCormack said. hi first appeared in July 2003.

The magazine's Web site, which had a wider audience than the printed version, will remain active, McCormack said.


On the Net:

"Hi" magazine site


This is so nuts! These religious nuts are not going to buy their daughters (and maybe a few unfortunate, budding faggots) this popular doll because the manufacturer gives money to Girls, Inc., which in addition to helping underpriveleged girls, also says that abortion and being gay are ok. Jesus! If your daughter wants one of these precious princesses, why would you possibly pinpoint one of the many organizations which Mattel must donate to and two of their policies? It's not like the dolls come with pro-abortion pins and a fucking rainbow flag! Mattel just gives Girls, Inc a few coins. These religious freaks must be scared shitless!

The dolls come in period costumes which denote different eras in our wonderful nation's history. Like Molly.


Meet Molly

"Molly McIntire® is a girl growing up in 1944. The world is at war, and she misses her father who is overseas caring for wounded soldiers. Molly® doesn’t like many of the changes the war has brought, like rationing rubber, eating turnips for dinner, and not seeing Dad on Christmas. But she learns the importance of getting along and pulling together—just as her country must do to win the war! Lively and lovable, she is the star of her story."

I'm not too sure why a young girl would be concerned about rationing rubber, but maybe the quizzical, bespectacled Molly is just such a curious lass! I'm equally unsure as to why a child of today would want or care about a doll who doesn't like rubber-rationing. I'm imagining scenes of girls asking Molly, "Would you like to play ball, Molly?" The child shakes Molly's sweet head in agreement. "Too bad, cuz there's not enough wubber to make any more balls!" The child shakes Molly's head in a weeping motion. "Well, then how about going for a drive, then?" Mollsters perks up at the notion. "Sorry, Molly. Toldja. Ain't got no tires cuz of the wubber shortage!" (Please, sickos, do not make any of mention of condoms as rubbers during this touching scene.) Hell, maybe today's brats need this fucking doll to prepare themselves for the shortages of jobs, affordable health care, gas, and civil liberties that the Bush administration has ushered in. Between the war in Iraq and Katrina, regaining prosperity seems generations away.

So let's live in the past--but just not with THESE dolls. Well, not until next year, when Mattel cuts it's ties with Girls, Inc. Until then, let's turn back time. Back before Charles Darwin, and unsuccessfully try (halle-fuckin-lujah!) to cram Unintelligent Design down our kids' throats. Let's advocate forcing abortions into unsanitary back-alley butcher-shops and gays into cruising public toilets which, ok, some of us still haven't left! I'd like to see a line of dolls that teaches kids about the monstrosities in our nation's history. Then maybe these children would grow up with a healthy distrust of the powers that be--a distrust which would NEVER have allowed Bush to implement this much of his agenda almost without question until recently. How about a little black girl doll whose daddy died from syphillis that the government infected him with in those famous Alabama experiments? Or an American Indian girl. doll who's left all alone after we've butchered her family? Or here's a really horrible one. How about a hopelessly emotionally disturbed girl from the 1920's who's snapped in horror after attending one of Lypsinka's performances? I'm kidding! Lyp's heyday was in the '30's.

But back to my point: I'M STONED!


(CBS) With $379 million in sales last year, the American Girl dolls are just like the girls who adore them — wholesome and sweet and rooted in American history.

They were a huge hit in the Wiesner household.

Claire Wiesner says, "They are so much fun to play with and they seem so real." Her sister Elena adds, "And they're really pretty."

Renee Wiesner, Claire's mom tells CBS News correspondent Mika Brzezinski, "Everything that they sold to us seemed very consistent with our values."

That was until the Wiesners found out that the American Girl company donates money to an organization called Girls Incorporated, which offers support to underprivileged girls. Girls Inc. also endorses Roe v. Wade — the right to abortion and it promotes acceptance of homosexuality. It's an association that families like the Wiesners are protesting with their wallets.

"This year, we're not going to buy any of the products for Christmas," Wiesner says bluntly.

And some are taking it a step further. The Pro-Life Action League is calling for a boycott of the dolls. Some Catholic schools have cancelled American Girl events.

"They take a position that I am 100 percent against which would be in telling girls abortion is a solution for them," Wiesner says.

American Girl, which just launched its first ever major ad campaign in its 20-year history, released a statement saying it is "profoundly disappointed that certain groups have chosen to misconstrue American Girl's purely altruistic efforts."

Also Mattel, the maker of the doll has decided it will not renew its partnership with Girls Inc. which runs out this year.

And next year we'll find out if that's enough to bring back the American Girl's conservative consumer base.

Clarification: American Girl responded after viewing the CBS report, saying while they considered the report fair and balanced they wanted to point out the "I Can" program and Girls Inc. partnership was always planned as a 2005 initiative and the end date of Dec 26, 2005, was mutually agreed upon by both parties.


Star, Joy Wage 'Holy War' on 'The View'
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
By Don Kaplan

A holy war broke out on "The View" Tuesday between co-hosts Joy Behar and Star Jones during a discussion about religion.

The argument was spurred by a clip of Barbara Walters interviewing a Palestinian extremist in an Israeli jail, who said anyone who is not Muslim will go to hell.

When Jones began to talk about her personal relationship with God, Behar wanted to know why "this is a public thing?"

"For me, God has been revealed as a Christian through Christ," Jones said. (BUNNY NOTE: DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL? NOTHING LIKE A RIGHTEOUS IDIOT WHO BELIEVES FIRMLY IN NONSENSE.)

"This guy wants to kill Jews because they don't believe what he believes," Behar said, appearing to make an attempt to steer the conversation back to the man in the video clip.

As all five of the show's hosts began yelling and trying to talk over each other, Jones said, "It's because religion and people who get caught up in religion cause wars."

Then, contradicting herself, she added, "If you have a relationship, a personal relationship with God, then you are in the spirit with God, you're not causing war." (BUNNY NOTE: TRY TELLING THAT TO OUR BORN-AGAIN WAR-MONGERING LEADER!)

"This man says his religion makes it justifiable to kill Jews," Behar snapped back.

"I would never agree with that or believe in that," said Jones.

"I'm not Jewish, I just object to the anti-Semitism that goes on in this world," Behar said.

The show then erupted as its other two hosts, Meredith Vieira and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, tried to get a word in edgewise.

As Jones and Behar began to shout even louder at each other, Walters tried to take back control of the live telecast.

"I will not have a war at this table," Walters said. "All we're trying to say is that if you feel your [faith] is the only way, and everybody else is wrong, that is what leads us to discontent." (BUNNY NOTE: AND THIS IS PRECISELY THE PROBLEM WITH THE BORN-AGAIN MOVEMENT IN THIS COUNTRY. EVERYONE BESIDES THEM IS GOING TO HELL. THANKS, BARBARA!)

This is far from the first time that Behar and Jones have clashed on "The View."

Behar was especially brutal during the run-up to Jones' wedding, which Star ceaselessly promoted on TV and in magazines.

The alleged animosity between the two co-hosts has appeared to have grown over the years. So much so that they are rarely seen sitting next to each other during the morning talk show.



You'll love this site with dozens of photos of brats scared by Santa Claus. A couple of the pix here. The first Santa looks quite bombed. And the second...well, either his gut padding sagged or he has elephantiasis of the testicles! And in case you aren't familiar with elephantiaisis, check out Jackie Beat's website! Or take a gander at this example below:


from did not make this up!

Drunken Santas run riot in Auckland

Saturday, December 17, 2005; Posted: 8:42 p.m. EST (01:42 GMT)

Save on All Your Calls with Vonage

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A group of 40 people dressed in Santa Claus outfits, many of them drunk, went on a rampage through Auckland, New Zealand's largest city, robbing stores, assaulting security guards and urinating from highway overpasses, police said Sunday.

The rampage, dubbed "Santarchy," began early Saturday afternoon when the men, wearing ill-fitting Santa costumes, threw beer bottles and urinated on cars from an overpass, said Auckland Central Police spokesman Noreen Hegarty.

She said the men then rushed through a central city park, overturning garbage containers, throwing bottles at passing cars and spraying graffiti on office buildings.

One man climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship before being ordered down by the captain. Other Santas, objecting when the man was arrested, attacked security staff, who were later treated by paramedics, Hegarty said.

The remaining Santas entered another downtown convenience store and carried off beer and soft drinks.

"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," store owner Changa Manakynda said.

Two security guards were treated for cuts after being struck by beer bottles, Hegarty said. Three people, including the man who climbed on the cruise ship, were arrested and charged with drunkenness and disorderly behavior.

Alex Dyer, a spokesman for the group, said Santarchy was a worldwide movement designed to protest the commercialization of Christmas.


Do You Hear What I Hear?

We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell
you why.

Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).

Thanks to Sally Bahner


I have a little Iman story. Once I was dj'ing at a Visionaire party in Manhattan. Everyone was buzzing around a lovely young black fox at the bar who I assumed was the haute new modelle du jour. Then I realized that she wasn't young or new--she was Iman. LOOKING SENSATIONAL! I was quite tanked, so it was without hesitation that I barrelled over to the bar and introduced myself. We hit it off immediately, and it when the second dj took over I joined her at the bar and some really rotten antics ensued. I was so drunk that I couldn't tell you for sure, but I believe she was somewhat lit too, and we entertained ourselves by slamming our fists on the bar and demanding more free champagne each time our glasses were even half-empty. Iman was with a cute black fag whose eyes were a little crossed, and whenever he said something I'd look over at her with my eyes crossed and continue the conversation. We were howling, and I began to insinuate that I had a date with David later that evening, and also tormented her with "Ya look good. You're no Esme (a largely forgotten but incredible heavy-eyebrowed early 80's it girl), but ya look good." When she got up to use the toilette, I brayed that she couldn't handle being seated next to a true beauty like myself. She seemed to love every minute of the abuse. I'm sure she's so used to people kissing her ass that she ate up all the insults. I have to say that she is one of the most fun people I've ever met. That David Bowie is getting some of the best pussy in the world! She still looks incredible!

December 21, 2005


My friend Steve sent me this joyful note.


I heard the hallelujah honks out my window last evening! Everett tried to tell me it was just the Jamestown Tech Raiders beating Celeron Applied, but I don't believe it for a minute. Who wouldn't be leaning on a car horn at the news of Judge Jones' gloriously blistering rebuke of the Jesus freaks? My favorite bit in his ruling:

". . .Those who disagree with our holding will likely mark it as the product of an activist judge. If so, they will have erred, as this is manifestly not an activist court. Rather, this case came to us as the result of the activism of an ill-informed faction on a school board, aided by a national public interest law firm eager to find a constitutional test case on Intelligent Design, who in combination drove the Board to adopt an imprudent and ultimately unconstitutional policy. The BREATHTAKING INANITY of the Board's decision is evident when considered against the factual backdrop which has now been fully revealed through this trial. The students, parents, and teachers of the Dover Area School District deserved better than to be dragged into this legal maelstrom, with its resulting UTTER WASTE of monetary and personal resources. . ."

And sho enough, what did the loser Discovery Institute call Judge Jones? "An activist judge who has dreams of grandeur."

I've attached a PDF file of the entire ruling to this email. Print it out and read aloud near Bible-potatoes on the subway (once the MTA is back up and running, NYCers).

Oh, and there's even the possiblity of a perjury trial against two of the Dover school board, the ones Judge Jones all but calls liars:
I love the line in there where one of them says, "I'm still waiting for a judge or anyone to show me anywhere in the Constitution where there's a separation of church and state."

Zipadee-doo-dah! Have a wonderful day!



Where did people get the notion that anyone is trying to steal Christmas? At any rate, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read. Someone forwarded it to me. Here goes nothin'.


Poem by Sharon Steege

I don't know who they are
Saying I can't greet the crowd
The way that I want to
Can't say CHRISTMAS out loud.

I walk into a business place
See things that I rather not see
But dare I not say CHRISTMAS
And ask for a "holiday" tree.

What happened to freedom of speech
And living in the land of the free
How can they take my CHRISTMAS money
But can't say MERRY CHRISTMAS to me.

Men and women have given their lives
So we could still go free
I wonder how they would feel
At saying "HOLIDAY" TREE.

Come on AMERICA let's wake up
Don't let our freedom escape
If they get by with doing this
What else will they take.

This is starting to get out of hand,
And I've begun to keep track
Well I've just about had enough

I hope this gets all over the net
If we all stand united and take freedom back
'Twill be our best CHRISTMAS YET!





They Paid Me To Read This Stuff

By Peter Carlson, Washington Post Staff Writer

In 2005, Popular Science magazine published a story called "How
Cannibalistic Spider Sex Can Make You a Genius" and Bible Review magazine
published a story called "Song of Songs: Not Just a Dirty Book," and Baby
Talk magazine published a story called "Is it love . . . or gas? Decode your
baby's emotions."

Yes, folks, 2005 was another wild and wacky year for American magazines. How
wild and wacky was it? Well, let's check the clips:

In 2005, GQ conducted a random survey of 1,000 American men and learned
this: 13 percent have paid for sex and 11 percent have prayed for sex.

Hoping to raise the intellectual level of frat boys, Esquire suggested a
series of "highbrow drinking games," which included these: "Every time
Charlie Rose interrupts his guest, take a shot. . . . Read The New Yorker
and do a shot every time you encounter a vowel with a diaeresis (coordinate,
reelection, et cetera)."

Fifth Estate, an anarchist magazine, published its 40th anniversary issue
and emblazoned the cover with the magazine's slogan: "Supporting Revolution
Everywhere since 1965."

Details, the glossy magazine for young metrosexual males, published the
"Power 50," its annual list of "the 50 most powerful guys under 39." Coming
in at No. 2 was Maddox Jolie, the 4-year-old adopted son of Angelina Jolie,
and the "home wrecker" who, Details claimed, broke up the marriage of Brad
Pitt and Jennifer Aniston: "This devil wore diapers. For wasn't it the
devilishly adorable Maddox who set the fatherhood-obsessed Pitt's heart

Which means the editors of Details might be the only people on Earth who
think a guy would chuck his wife in order to get next to . . . Angelina
Jolie's son.

Taki Theodoracopulos got off a memorable screed in his column in the
American Conservative. His subject was the delicious catfight at the New
York Times between jailbird reporter Judith Miller and columnist Maureen

"Whom would you favor in a mud-wrestling match to the finish, Judith Miller
or Maureen Dowd?" Taki asked. "Personally, I think la Dowd might pull it
off. Miller has spent too much time taking dictation from the Pentagon and
the Iraqi National Congress to be in fighting shape. . . . The longer it
goes on, the more Dowd is favored."

America's science magazines did not stoop to printing screeds. Instead, they
raised cosmic questions. Scientific America asked: "Is the Universe Out of
Tune?" And Discover asked: "Is String Theory About to Snap? Or does it
explain everything about the universe?" The answer to both questions was

Radar, a magazine that was born and died in 2003, was born and died again in
2005. But before its second death, it ran a story on Disney World that
contained what might be the single best sentence of the year: "In 2004, a
man playing Pluto was run over and killed by a 'princess float' in the Share
a Dream Come True parade at Disney World's Magic Kingdom."

Like nearly every other American magazine, High Times, the marijuana mag,
ran a story about the war in Iraq. The High Times piece was by a
pseudonymous soldier who smoked hashish in Iraq and found that the war was,
like, a real buzzkill. "The surroundings," he wrote, "were never very
conducive to a complete enjoyment of the high."

Modern Drunkard, the magazine with the slogan, "Standing up for your right
to get falling down drunk since 1996," published the best editorial
disclaimer of the year:

"Views expressed in this magazine do not necessarily reflect the opinions of
the Modern Drunkard staff or publisher. In fact, I would like to take this
opportunity to deny everything. Your honor, I was never even near the place
and what's more, those are not my trousers and those are most assuredly not
my friends. They are merely a drunken and surly gang of hitchhikers I made
the terrible, terrible mistake of giving a lift. I promise to be good.
Really. I swear."

In 2005, many magazines tried to lure younger readers. Vanity Fair's effort
was perhaps the most . . . um, confrontational. It sponsored an essay
contest on the topic of "What's on the minds of America's youth today?" The
text of the contest announcement read: "More than 30 years ago, young people
across the country staged sit-ins for civil rights, got up and protested
against a misguided, undeclared war and actually gave a damn if a president
lied to them. . . . Today it seems as if younger Americans are content to
watch their MTV, fiddle with their game players, follow the love lives of
Brad, Jen, Jessica and Paris, and assume the hard work is being done by
others. What has changed?"

In other words: Hey, kids, how come you're such mindless morons?

In 2005, GQ magazine revealed that deep down inside, your murderous
megalomaniacal dictators are just like the rest of us -- they love to eat
junk food, party hearty and have a good joke.

First, GQ published a story on the American soldiers who guarded Saddam
Hussein in a secret Iraqi prison. They reported that Saddam hates Froot
Loops but loves Cheetos and Doritos. He also enjoyed telling jokes,
including one about three men and a sheep. And, like many American
conservatives, he misses Ronald Reagan, who aided him in his war with Iran:
"Reagan and me, good," he told the soldiers.

After that, GQ ran a story on North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. It included
an interview with Kenji Fujimoto, who used to be Kim's personal chef.
Fujimoto invited Kim to his wedding and the dictator watched as Fujimoto got
so drunk on cognac that he passed out on the dance floor.

"The next day, Kim Jong Il calls me in," Fujimoto told GQ. "He praises my
drinking ability and asks me, 'By the way, do you have any pubic hair?' I
say, 'Of course, I do.' Kim Jong Il says, 'Why don't you go to the toilet
and look at your pubic hair?' I went there, and there was none."

There you have it, folks -- the kind of magic magazine moment you'll want to
remember next time you're tempted to drink too much at a North Korean


Sorry I have been out of touch, but Miss Thing has been on "Tranny Strike" along with the Transit Authority. Actually, I've been working like a hog. Thankfully, my dvds have been selling on the site, so I've been stuffing envelopes like crazy in a pre-Xmas frenzy! I had no idea that I had fans n Brazil, Portugal, Glasgow, Australia, etc. Someone emailed me to ask if that was my handwriting on the envelope, cuz it looked like the scrawling scatching of a serial killer. In truth, I am related on my mom's side to a serial killer who poisoned her family.

Sunday, I flew to Dallas at the delicious Mistress Mini's B'day party. Ya gotta love an 18 year old girl who wears wigs! And the preceding Friday I spun on a The Princess, a boat hired out for Jefferson Wells' (an investment company!) Christmas shindig. But during that day, I attended Howard Stern's Sirius launch. I am not really a huge fan of Howard's, but I like the senseless smut and freedom speech he represents. Plus, I had been interviewed by Derek and Romaine on their Sirius show on Thursday night, and was invited. Noon drag is a little scary, but lord knows, I've never shied away from that look! Michael Lucas and his publicist Heather Reznor accompanied us and snapped these pix.

Howard was very sweet and paused to say "You look great." Too bad he was talking to Michael, who has been a guest on his show. His bodyguards were shoving everyone out of the way and I was shocked that he would pause to pose. His new gal pal is pretty, and they both ignored my cries of "Hey Howard! What's she got that I ain't got? Awww. Besides t-cells!" The mood was mayhem, and Howard's very tanked fans were a little homophobic, but got over it and were soon asking me for blackmail photos with their friends.

Reality TV's biggest bitch Omarosa was actually really pleasant--but she brought out my claws just for fun in this pic.

Sheryl Crow was poorforming. In her defense, it wasn't a dream gig. She has a hit out, her first in years, and here she is doing a possibly free promo gig where Howard, not her, is the main focus. I bounced down to the dancefloor to cause a commotion and attempt to enjoy her poorformance. She caught one look and me and almost visibly shrugged: ALERT: SCENE STEALER APPROACHING! She looks too thin and quite forlorn. And I'm sorry, although I think ALL I WANNA DO is a great pop song, how the hell do you perform a song about fun with zero stage presence and without cracking a smile? Awful! Maybe she should stick to writing. I saw her a few months ago on a morning show and was equally underwhelmed.

Anyhoo, I got a mention in the NY Times for showing up, and I can't tell you how thrilled I was to be mentioned in the same sentence as Wendy the Retard. If she's a regular, I might have to break down and get that Sirius subscrip!


on the popular podcast FEAST OF FOOLS with hosts Faustos Fernos and Mark Felion. Those guys are a hoot, so check us out at:



For those of you who can't get enough of the world's most famous axe-murderer/club kid, this item's for sale on Craig's List:


*EXTREMELY RARE* Collection of Michael Alig & CLUB KID TV A - $100
Reply to:
Date: 2005-11-28, 2:05AM EST

*EXTREMELY RARE* COMPLETE Collection of Michael Alig & CLUB KID TV Appearances

This is the only place you will find ALL of these videos together in one place on DVD
The perfect addition to any Party Monster fan's collection.
Please keep in mind that these DVD's were mastered off original VHS tapes of the particular TV appearances and therefore while they are all in good quality they are not 100% digital DVD recordings. The quality is above-average with some minor flaws which should be understandable considering the age of the original VHS tapes.
The A&E documentary and E True Hollywood Story alone retail for $29.95 each! Buy together and save!
This three disc DVD set contains:
Disc 1
THREE full-length Geraldo television episodes, including the one which inspired the talk show scene in the movie Party Monster including Michael, his mother, Richie Rich, Walt paper, Rupaul, Michael Musto, Julie Jewels Angel Melendez, et al. (30 Minutes Each)
A&E Documentary on Michael Alig (60 Minutes)
E True Hollywood Story - Death by Disco (60 Minutes)
Full Length Interview with Michael Alig in Prison (from which excerpts were included in the Party Monster DVD bonus footage - 60 Minutes)
Disc 2
Shampoo Horns (English), a full-length movie staring the original club kid's & more.
Disc 3
Home Made Video of Club Kid Footage Volume 1, an unedited tape of original club kid footage including parties and shots at home and going out prepping.
Payment is accepted securely via paypal item ships as soon as payment is received. Buyer pays fixed USPS Express Mail shipping cost of $10.00 via mail only
this is in or around brooklyn
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests