2 BLONDES' YEARS IN REVIEW
A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW:
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box Said
"2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
darn little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because
top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the phone!!!
MY YEAR IN REVIEW IN DECEMBER'S GENRE MAGAZINE FOR MY MONTHLY FURROCIOUS COLUMN:
2005 certainly was memorable, but not one of the--shall we say?--happiest years in history. Hopefuly, the natural disaster-related trend will slow up in 2006. In irreverent honor, here are my picks for the events and people who shaped this last year.
NATURAL DISASTERS
Freakish disasters like hurricanes, floods and earthquakes wreaked havoc on the lives of millions worldwide, leading many to speculate that global warming may have screwed up the earth irrevocably. (Too bad our president practically refuses to acknowledge global warming's existence!) Despite all the sorrow--at least one good joke came out of it:
WHAT DID GEORGE BUSH THINK ABOUT ROE vs WADE?
HE DIDN'T CARE HOW PEOPLE GOT OUT OF NEW ORLEANS!
Other prominent freaks of nature in 2005 included TomKat (help, it's multiplying!) and Michael Jackson. The Queen of Pop has been absolved of all charges, is recording a Katrina benefit tune, and was spotted at the London stage production of BILLY ELLIOT. Shocking! The adolescent Billy character seems much too old for Jacko. But now Michael can go back to doing what he does best. Singing? Nope! Dancing? Nope! Molesting his own kids!
MASTER DEBATING
Forget those Supreme Court nominees and their paltry scandals. This district judge would make Terry Shiavo blush. District Judge Donald Thompson of Oklahoma is facing allegations that he masturbated with a penis pump while presiding over his courtroom--even while hearing a murder trial! Jurors may be forced to listen to 180 hours of court tapes, which contain the penis pump's whooshing sound! Insane!
GO WEST!
Kanye West broke ranks with the rest of the largely homophobic hip-hop community to publicly denounce gay-bashing. He then electrified the nation at a Katrina event, saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people." For a minute, it seemed like at least a smidgeon of the revolution WOULD be televised. But actually, Bush doesn't care about poor people of any race, Kanye.)
BLAME ELLEN!
Popular US religious leaders rivalled fanantical Muslim clerics with the outrageousness of their pronouncements. This year, Pat Robertson pegged Katrina as God's revenge against the selection of Ellen DeGeneres as host of the Emmys. On his show, The 700 Club, Robertson claimed "By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God's wrath...Is it any surprise that the almighty chose to strike at Miss DeGeneres' hometown? Wow! I didn't God was that cruel! Maybe he doesn't like Ellen's chat show? Or maybe it's just that freaks like Pat Robertson who misinterpret his message of love into one of vengeful hatred that has his holiness' dander up?
BUSINESS AS USUAL
Political disgrace was somehow more exciting when it involved cum-stained dresses--but leave it to the Republicans to serve up some real political scandal. Plamegate has made Karl Rove awfully nervous. Bill Frist is under investigation for insider stock tips a la Martha Stewart. Tom Delay's been indicted for election fraud and has been forced to step down from his role as majority leader. Even his replacement is under "funny money" investigation--is corruption a prerequisite for elected Republican officials? The Repubs have inextricably linked their policies to good ol' time religion. But when their parties leaers are under regular investigations and indictments, even a blind conservative church-goin' granny from a red state can see that repubs can't even follow the law of the land, much less God's law.
THE TERMINATOR
Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a bill that would have legalized same-sex unions in California. Arnie, you might wanna come correct with the gays cuz whichever hairstylist is dying your sad burgundy straw-hair and eyebrows is having quite a cackle behind your back as retaliation. For chrissakes, even Jackie Stallone's hairdresser would be an improvement!
LIKE A PRAYER
The Catholic church, under brand new Poop, I mean Pope, Benedict XV!, demanded that all gays, regardless of whether or not they were practising homosexuals, be removed from the church. Then the church announced that it actually will allow gay priests to join it's ranks, as long as they aren't overtly gay and don't "Hail" each other's "Mary's" too flamboyantly. Good Idea! Bury their sexuality so deeply with shame that it has to manifest itself where it can, like with choir boys! Well, that's always been condoned by this church--just don't mention it.
THE HEROINE
I agree wholehearted with the heroine of 2005, Cindy Sheehan: We should impeach the man who killed her son and so many others. And the members of the mainstream media should be jailed. Whoops! I guess that includes little ol' me, since I's now a "journalist." Well, after another year of the horrible flop that are Bush's economic, social and foreign policies, free housing and 3 meals a day aren't sounding so bad to me! Not to mention all the sex I can handle--maybe even some I can't. OUCH!
OH well, here's to a better year in 2006. At least it rhymes with something I know most of you like!
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box Said
"2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
darn little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because
top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the phone!!!
MY YEAR IN REVIEW IN DECEMBER'S GENRE MAGAZINE FOR MY MONTHLY FURROCIOUS COLUMN:
2005 certainly was memorable, but not one of the--shall we say?--happiest years in history. Hopefuly, the natural disaster-related trend will slow up in 2006. In irreverent honor, here are my picks for the events and people who shaped this last year.
NATURAL DISASTERS
Freakish disasters like hurricanes, floods and earthquakes wreaked havoc on the lives of millions worldwide, leading many to speculate that global warming may have screwed up the earth irrevocably. (Too bad our president practically refuses to acknowledge global warming's existence!) Despite all the sorrow--at least one good joke came out of it:
WHAT DID GEORGE BUSH THINK ABOUT ROE vs WADE?
HE DIDN'T CARE HOW PEOPLE GOT OUT OF NEW ORLEANS!
Other prominent freaks of nature in 2005 included TomKat (help, it's multiplying!) and Michael Jackson. The Queen of Pop has been absolved of all charges, is recording a Katrina benefit tune, and was spotted at the London stage production of BILLY ELLIOT. Shocking! The adolescent Billy character seems much too old for Jacko. But now Michael can go back to doing what he does best. Singing? Nope! Dancing? Nope! Molesting his own kids!
MASTER DEBATING
Forget those Supreme Court nominees and their paltry scandals. This district judge would make Terry Shiavo blush. District Judge Donald Thompson of Oklahoma is facing allegations that he masturbated with a penis pump while presiding over his courtroom--even while hearing a murder trial! Jurors may be forced to listen to 180 hours of court tapes, which contain the penis pump's whooshing sound! Insane!
GO WEST!
Kanye West broke ranks with the rest of the largely homophobic hip-hop community to publicly denounce gay-bashing. He then electrified the nation at a Katrina event, saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people." For a minute, it seemed like at least a smidgeon of the revolution WOULD be televised. But actually, Bush doesn't care about poor people of any race, Kanye.)
BLAME ELLEN!
Popular US religious leaders rivalled fanantical Muslim clerics with the outrageousness of their pronouncements. This year, Pat Robertson pegged Katrina as God's revenge against the selection of Ellen DeGeneres as host of the Emmys. On his show, The 700 Club, Robertson claimed "By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God's wrath...Is it any surprise that the almighty chose to strike at Miss DeGeneres' hometown? Wow! I didn't God was that cruel! Maybe he doesn't like Ellen's chat show? Or maybe it's just that freaks like Pat Robertson who misinterpret his message of love into one of vengeful hatred that has his holiness' dander up?
BUSINESS AS USUAL
Political disgrace was somehow more exciting when it involved cum-stained dresses--but leave it to the Republicans to serve up some real political scandal. Plamegate has made Karl Rove awfully nervous. Bill Frist is under investigation for insider stock tips a la Martha Stewart. Tom Delay's been indicted for election fraud and has been forced to step down from his role as majority leader. Even his replacement is under "funny money" investigation--is corruption a prerequisite for elected Republican officials? The Repubs have inextricably linked their policies to good ol' time religion. But when their parties leaers are under regular investigations and indictments, even a blind conservative church-goin' granny from a red state can see that repubs can't even follow the law of the land, much less God's law.
THE TERMINATOR
Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a bill that would have legalized same-sex unions in California. Arnie, you might wanna come correct with the gays cuz whichever hairstylist is dying your sad burgundy straw-hair and eyebrows is having quite a cackle behind your back as retaliation. For chrissakes, even Jackie Stallone's hairdresser would be an improvement!
LIKE A PRAYER
The Catholic church, under brand new Poop, I mean Pope, Benedict XV!, demanded that all gays, regardless of whether or not they were practising homosexuals, be removed from the church. Then the church announced that it actually will allow gay priests to join it's ranks, as long as they aren't overtly gay and don't "Hail" each other's "Mary's" too flamboyantly. Good Idea! Bury their sexuality so deeply with shame that it has to manifest itself where it can, like with choir boys! Well, that's always been condoned by this church--just don't mention it.
THE HEROINE
I agree wholehearted with the heroine of 2005, Cindy Sheehan: We should impeach the man who killed her son and so many others. And the members of the mainstream media should be jailed. Whoops! I guess that includes little ol' me, since I's now a "journalist." Well, after another year of the horrible flop that are Bush's economic, social and foreign policies, free housing and 3 meals a day aren't sounding so bad to me! Not to mention all the sex I can handle--maybe even some I can't. OUCH!
OH well, here's to a better year in 2006. At least it rhymes with something I know most of you like!
posted by Lady Bunny at Saturday, December 31, 2005
2 Comments:
^^ nice blog!! thanks a lot! ^^
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