PEACE MARCH NYC 4/31/06

I knew Saturday was going to be an incredible day the moment I checked my myspace inbox and found a message from new wave goddess Lene Lovich. Last time she graced our shores--she lives in a castle in England!--I took her on a dizzying tour of the garment district's fabric shops the way only a drag queen can, honey! And she wants more! She's a PETA person who Dan Matthews introduced me to. Lene hit it big with her first two amazing albums while I was living in London in 78-80 and to this young queen, the combination of her clinically beautiful face blankly staring out from her publicity shots, braid-sculpture hairdos and that other-worldly voice, she was right up there with Debbie Harry and The Selector's Pauline Black in the style icon/brilliant musician category. Of course it didn't hurt that shewrote/sang back-up on Cerrone's disco records and her pr machine, playing up that kooky-cool new wave factor, claimed she first made a living recording screams for horror films. At the time, I was also very impressed with the singer of the Tourists, an adrogynous young pixie who wore oversized--I mean REALLY oversized, about 20 checks per dress--harlequin print mini-dresses who became better known in the 80's as Annie Lenox.

On a very different note, I ended the day on myspace as well, e-chatting with a drag named Sharrissa Diva Iman Honie-Kisss, the recently crowned Miss Teen Iowa! I hope that Iman one day learns of her new competition! I worship the queens and trannies on myspace! Not that I'm trying to Hiney-Kisss Miss Honie-Kisss or anything! Little did I know, it was to be a whole day and night fuelled by off-beat superstar power!



SHARRISSAONMYSPACE

First stop, to grab my Wigstock partner Scott Lifshutz and sometimes trusty camera and headed over to the peace march which convened near Union Square. I didn't see any of the march's "headliners", Susan Sarandon, Jesse Jackson, Cindy Sheehan or Randi Rhodes, but with eye candy like George W. Bush and his cronies in chains parading to cheers, jeers and chants, who the hell needs headliners? George's buddies Rummy, Cheney, Osama and Saddam even joined him!



The crowd literally cracked Condi-loser Rice's face--unless someone had been sitting on face, like that Jack Straw, who seemed smitten with the Alabaman temptress on her recent trip to the UK, and who slept in her private plane's bed as "Aunt Tomasina" laid out on the floor? Did you catch that one a few weeks ago? Bizarre! MORE



But I'm glad all the uniformed cons got a day pass from the institution. Imagine if this protest worked and the whole crew was impeached, jailed and put into the psych ward. I actually do believe that W has a screw loose in addition to being a heartless crook. Just an observation. But keep our expectations high, ok? As Dorian Corey once said, "You shoot an arrow real high, hooray for you!".



Not that I'm a clown who frequents Hallowe'en specialty shops for it's oversized, inexpensive costumes or anything, but are Donald Rumsfeld masks really that common, or did these people actaully have them made? Very dedicated if so! The sunny, breezy day was a perfect setting for the triumphant (because of the turnout) and sad (because of the reasons behind it) procession. With participants from Katrina survivors to veterans to union workers to environmentalists to immigrant rights supporters to churches, the wide variety made it seem like the whole world hates Bush and what he stands for. These aren't liberal left-wing extremist kooks!



OK, so maybe that was the wrong photo to illustrate my point. But most of the protesters, in the tens of thousands, looked just like you and me. (Well, like you and me in sensible shoes with modest wigs and only half a can of Sherwyn-Williams on our grizzled mugs.) Although, I'm forced to admit that the classic silhouette of the dunce cap, here updated with a makeshift brim, does lend an air of kookiness. Sorry, gal, but I was familiarized with that particular silhouette from every conceiveable angle and lighting scheme quite often as a youngster so I'm a little over it. personally. Of course, silhouettes of any kind are not at issue here. One has only to glimpse at the desperate expression of the child by her side as she pitifully gnaws on a water bottle to learn how topsy-turvy our world's become.



One sign of the beginning of the slow road back to normalcy: a wig-wearing security guard, dammit!



The vibe was so inclusive that it made you just wanna stand up and shout "DOWN WITH BUSH!" at the top of your lungs.

Of course, being a slut, certain protesters made ME wanna lie down and shout "UP MY BUSH!".



But I soon steered my mind back to the cause...eventually...



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Buoyed to see a healthy Chinese contingent, I tried to order some egg rolls, but found my appetite even more stimulated by the silken strands caressing the ivory skin of this young morsel in the foreground! Aren't I awful?



Here's a few of my favorite signs. They aren't all cute or funny, but I don't think these messages are ever heard often or loud enough while that bastard is sill in the White House destroying the world with my tax dollars. Well, when I get around to filing my taxes, that is. Missed that derned deadline again!











I couldn't recognize this image, but Scott explained that it was a muslim woman with her injured child. Doesn't look like the lovely, exotic muslim women I've seen. That big-ass foot doesn't look like any woman of any race I've ever seen. And I look at a lot of "women" with big feet at my "job" regularly.



The older crowd totally stole the show. Ignoring their bunions and brittle bones, they took the the streets in peppy spring attire like this pink argyle sweater, with canes if necessary.



Is this lady's white walking stick for the blind? I guess my blind readers won't be able to answer that, so I hope you'll help me. I'm not that familir with their accoutrements--though Lypsinka is. She claims she gets very lucky cruising the Institute For The Blind in Chelsea. But the Personification of Pizzazz's gargantuan libido aside, can you imagine being blind and braving a crowd of thousands with your hearing offset by the din of competing chants?



Not that the march was about fashion, but this sassy visor certainly caught my eye. Love the way it fluffs the hair worn underneath the bang!



Seen marching with the NYC Quakers, this ol' gal killed me, with her colorful beret and glad rags. How determined she is, with her roll of leaflets clutched tightly! Her pleasant smile took me back to one of the few things I learned in college: HOW TO DRINK HEAVILY IN THE DAYTIME! No, it was actually a psychology class. And since I know you are wondering, yes, I did flunk the course. Anyway, the lesson that stuck with me is that really old folks are divided into 2 categories. (Hopefully this isn't some ancient theory which hasn't been taught in 50 years so y'all can't spook MY real age!) One category went for "it" and whether they failed or succeeded financially, they'd followed their dreams and their consciences and had done their best. They found themselves surrounded by family and loved ones as they entered life's final chapter. The other category had not, and died bitter and quite alone. Maybe she was just having a rare good daym but I can't imagine that this ol' gal is in anything but the first group. And didja know that Quakers have been performing gay weddings for years? My parents are Quakes and would die if they learned that their transvestite son was using it's sinful blog to promote their religion.



As I gazed out at the hand-made signs and the marchers from all walks of life, all sorts of issues came up. Like "Honey, that child may look retarded scartching his face like that but he is WAY too old for a stroller!"





I spotted a whole bunch of kids. The one above was cute as he can be, but bless his little heart if that dadgum sign of his don't make a lick o' sense. Still, he gets an E for effort. (2 E'S, actually, cuz he wanted to buy one for a friend.) Nice people! At least he was there. I saw so few young adults. As Scott explained to me, the kids in Paris just took to the streets and had an unfair labor law OVERTURNED. It seems most of the youth in the US care more about Lindsay Lohan than Cindy Sheehan, or their rapidly being overturned rights to privacy, health care, ability to file bankruptcy, need I go on? I felt that the older attendees knew this drill. They'd done this before, when things had gotten so off course that they had to take to the streets to demand that their concerns be dealt with. They valued their voices and used them. I think this was used to be called democracy, long, long ago...

And where were the gays? What's up with that? This should have been like a fucking gay pride march with gay couples prancing wildly in all manner of gender-fuck bridal attire! Don't y'all know how completely intertwined the gay agenda is with the same enlightened thinking which has arrived at conclusions like that the government should not be silencing the scientists who warn of global warming? Or preventing women from getting abortions? Or bungling Katrina and Iraq? Or monitoring our emails? Hiya, Georgie! Oh, I shouldn't be so hard on the fucking gays for not taking an interest in the march or the world's destiny. It IS kinda tough to do a booty bump in the middle of a daylit street! (I, however, managed to.) Our people are the world's best at making a fashion statement. Let's try another kind that's just a wee bit more meaningful than Dolce, gurl!

Talk about standing up and making a gay statement! I passed this heavenly creature on my way home. S/He regularly poses/begs on 6th Avenue and 12th Street, always in all white. Today it was featuring white ponytails bound every couple of inches whith a white little girl's balled ponytail holder, positioned ever so neatly. Dailily featuring white mascara for your nerves.



But the elusive butterfly turned away, camera-shy. I thought I might offer it a tip for it's "entertainment", though unsure of the protocol involving club-kid he/she beggars.



I gave up and it opened an umbrella (guess what color!) and started babbling in the manner of your garden-variety simpleton. No matter, I had a different simplton altogether on my mind. That evening, Dina Martina was cutting up at The Cutting Room in her solo show SEDENTARY LADY.



I'd hoped to get this entry up earlier and review her show more fully, but since tonight's the last night of her sold out run, I'll discuss her in detail later since she'll be back in December and in Provincetown all summer. DO NOT MISS THIS NUT! INDESCRIBABLY SENSATIONAL! So wacky that when this thing goes into the audience as it often does, people are actually frightened! But in the best possible way. Her DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA finale can't be topped, but I'm sure she can.



Costumed to showcase her ample camel-toe, the crowd roared with laughter throughout her set, her patter and choreography every bit as insane as her look. Whoopi Goldberg had been in to see her earlier in the week, and I gagged to look over at the bar and see AIR AMERICA's RANDI RHODES, my idol! I ran over to introduce myself and gushed," I'm your #1 fan!", and gagged again as Cindy Sheehan interrupted me and said "No, I'm her # 1 fan!". Randi below stealing my and Jayne County's favorite jowl-hiding pose! This woman knows absolutely everything! I loved her comment the other day that Bush not only fucked up this country, but his othr ventures as well, including owning a baseball team and TRADING SUPERSTAR SAMMY SOSA! Excuse me for a moment, but I just can't think of "trade" and that Dominican god without drooling and I don't wanna short out the computer. But it was moronic of Bush.



Dina and Cindy even performed an impromptu peace finger-puppet revue which had me howling "Look at the camera, idiots!" That's Ann Wright on the left, who Chip Duckett identified. In his words she's "Not nearly as well known as Cindy, but absolutely no less a hero. After a lifetime of service with the military and the foreign service, she resigned immediately when the Iraq war began."



What a perfect end to a perfect day and evening, as the girls agreed to pose for (my admittably terrible) pix after the show. For those of you are as in awe of Randi and Cindy as I am and hungry for any trivia about them, they are both sweet and Cindy is quite tall. And look at Randi's knockers! Now I know why she constantly opens her show with Rusty Warren's BOUNCE YOUR BOOBIES. There's a free ringtone of this comedy classic on Randi's site: THERANDIRHODESSHOW.COM



I strongly urge everyone to tune in to Randi's daily broadcasts on AIR AMERICA from 3PM-7PM. Even if you think you hate politics, Randi provides the most entertaining introduction to current affairs I can imagine. AND IT'S FREE, YA BASTARDS!

MISSION IMPLAUSIBLE

SANTA CLARITA, Calif. - A newspaper promotion for Tom Cruise’s upcoming “Mission: Impossible III” got off to an explosive start when a county arson squad blew up a news rack, thinking it contained a bomb.

AND IT DID! THE MOVIE!

MORE: MSNBC

BUSHES NOT AMUSED

WASHINGTON A blistering comedy “tribute” to President Bush by Comedy Central’s faux talk show host Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondent Dinner Saturday night left George and Laura Bush unsmiling at its close.


A sample of his act: "Colbert told Bush he could end the problem of protests by retired generals by refusing to let them retire. He compared Bush to Rocky Balboa in the “Rocky” movies, always getting punched in the face—“and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world.”

Turning to the war, he declared, "I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."

READ MORE: EDITORANDPUBLISHER

Why would they even consider Colbert for a WHite House gig? His whole shtick on Comedy Central is steadfastly standing up for this administration, basing his support on laughable reasoning--the same kind Bush uses. So Bush probably didn't even get it.

WATCH COLBERT'S ROUTINE ON CROOKSANDLIARS: CROOKSANDLIARS

ALSO CHECK COLBERT OUT IN THE STRANGERS WITH CANDY MOVIE TRAILER: YOUTUBE


And thanks to friendlier999 for the links!

GREAT TASTE, LESS FILLING!

WIGGERY!

Must-see TV when Tony Orlando introduces Phyllis Diller! Thanks to house 1 for sending me this perfect reminder of when even cheesy TV shows were terrific and stars had personality and not just stylists! Nowadays, even the best shows are shit. I watched Desperate Housewives for the first time and found it unbearable. I love the way the music resolves at the end of a scene to make you feel like something's transpired when not much really has. This clip certainly doesn't suffer from that ailment.

YOUTUBE

THIS WAR'S GETTING OLD!

Even the grannies are braving their bunions and accident-prone hips to take to the streets and march against this sham of a war in Iraq. Too bad the senile heifers thought they were protesting the Vietnam War! And there were four senators arrested today at a Darfur protest. Randi Rhodes and Susan Sarandon will march in NYC tomorrow and more immigration protests nationwide coming up. Even if you have zero interest in politics, wouldn't the sheer number of protests (and of course, the increased gasoline prices for the conscience-free christians of the great US of A) indicate that something is intrinsically wrong with the direction in which our country's heading? Oh yeah, and I will be taking it to the streets personally this weekend in an extra short support hose-showcasing mini and highest heels (the highest Payless makes, anyway) to raise public awareness on another grave issue: GRAY-HAIRED FAKE CUNTS WITH SORES ON THEM NEED TO BE FUCKED, TOO!



FROM BBC NEWS:

US court clears anti-war grannies

The group hope to motivate other senior citizens to take action
A US court has acquitted a group of 18 grandmothers of disorderly conduct for staging a rally against the Iraq war outside a military recruiting centre.
The defendants, known as the "Granny Peace Brigade", were arrested in October and charged on two counts.

The courtroom burst into cheers and applause as the judge gave his verdict.

The group's co-founder said it was "encouraging to know you can still protest legally" in the US and said more demonstrations were being planned.

Joan Wile also said she hoped the case would motivate other senior citizens who might otherwise believe they were too old to take part in demonstrations.

"I think we've shown them that it is not over and that they still have an important role to play in life," she said.


WHOLE ARTICLE: NEWS.BBC

IN DEEP

The video FOR LAST NIGHT A DJ SAVED MY LIFE. The'yre clearly lipsynching, but the girls are so effervescent and it's bizarre to see the early 80's partiers in padded shouldered, permed secretary drag complete with pearls. And is that white guy really the black-sounding rapper who rhymed the classic:

"There's not a problem that I can't fix
Cuz I can do it in the mix."

He sure fooled me! And I forgot about that toilet flush sound effect!

WATCH IT: YOUTUBE

BUNNY ON JACKIE

Quit vomiting! Not in bed! She topped me! Actually, I interviewed that wacky Jackie Beat for the latest issue of MY COMRADE 'zine, which is rumored to be one of the funniest issue ever! That wouldn't be hard. But publisher/editrix Linda Simpson's face would be! Hard, that is. Just warming up, folks! The new issue features features on or by burlesque star Dirty Martini, Project Runway's Austin Scarlett, latino lesbo comedienne Margo Gomez, Mike Albo, Xavier, Milan, Sweetie, Eddie Murphy, Lynne Cheney and even smutty pix of donkey-dicked studmuffin Tommy Hottpants!

I got to interview Jackie, and Linda offered to let me reprint the entire chit-chat as a teaser for you to buy the rags if I tell you where they are sold. Now naturally, it's one helluva teaser, since my interview with Jackie is by far the best thing in the issue. KIDDING! Actually, the lay-out is better than ever (interpret as you wish) and even features a Barbara Patterson Lloyd "fashion" spread! Can someone tell me why someone at VOGUE didn't think of that?



WHERE TO BUY (CLICK PIC TO ENLARGE IF NECESSARY) YOU'VE SEEN LINDA'S WIGS--URGENT: PLEASE BUY AN ISSUE OR TWO!




THE INTERVIEW, REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION (FOR A CHANGE) FROM MY COMRADE

Hollywood comedy gal Jackie Beat chats about fame and all its trimmings

By My Comrade newshound Lady Bunny

Lady Bunny: Which show-biz personalities have influenced you the most besides your obvious look-a-like silent-film star Wallace Beery?

Jackie Beat: Leave it to dusty old Bunny to make a joke about an obscure cross-dressing actor that no one under the age of 70 remembers.

LB: You don't remember your own son?



JB: My influences fall into two categories. There are the genius comedians like SCTV's Andrea Martin and Martin Short. Or as I like to call them to save time, Andrea Martin Short. And then there are over-the-top, theatrical rock bands like KISS. I'm very proud of the fact that I wear more makeup than all four members combined.

LB: As a child, what celebrities did you worship? Satan doesn't count.

JB: Again, Bunny, hilarious. But why are you knocking Satan? He's not responsible for your birth defects, your chain-smoking, Chablis-guzzling mother is. But to answer your question, I was obsessed with Carol Burnett and Mary Tyler Moore. I used to sit in my parents king-size bed with my mom and watch TV every Saturday night. And when the Miss America Pageant was on? You better just make some popcorn and shut up! And pass mommy her filterless Pall Malls, would ya?

LB: I see, so your chain-smoking, Chablis-guzzling crack about my Mom was actually you trying to deal with your own tragic background. Were there any happy times, Jackie? I know that enduring prolonged trauma can wipe out a lot of memories just like the way you wiped away the residue of 20 hot dogs from your asshole this morning.

JB: Well, I never! I won't even dignify that revolting scenario with one of my award-winning, hilarious comebacks! No, there were no happy times. I guess you could say that my childhood was just like the audience at one of your shows--miserable!

LB: Please continue.

JB: Not to get maudlin, but as a little gay boy I never really saw a future for myself. I never saw anyone like me in the movies or on TV. So I couldn't imagine myself growing up and having a career or a companion or anything. When a kid can't picture any kind of future it is sheer hopelessness. It's similar to gang members in the inner city. How can they care about something they can't envision?

LB: Yeah but unlike you, the gang kids are cute.

JB: I am so glad that things have changed for gay kids. I guess I just desperately wanted to be a normal person when I grew up. Thank God that was not in the cards. I look at the boring-ass people I went to high-school with and they're all on their third marriages with hideous, hateful kids. Ugh. Thank God I was, and still am, a total freak!

LB: As a little girl, I was hot for Lassie, until it shaved itself and began billing itself as Linda Simpson. Did you have any childhood or teenage crushes on stars or musicians?

JB: Believe it or not, Valerie Bertinelli, who played Barbara Romano on One Day At A Time. I wrote her a fan letter asking for an autographed picture and just to make sure she sent one I lied and told her I had leukemia. And I got one. Moral of the story? Lying works!

LB: Have you ever met someone and been completely star-struck?

JB: When Parker Posey brought Liza Minnelli to my holiday show, it took everything I had within me to keep it together. As far as I'm concerned, Liza coming to a drag queen's show is like a minister walking out to give his Sunday-morning sermon and seeing Jesus sitting in the front row!

LB: Have you ever has a sexual encounter with a celebrity? Rimming Alex Arquette and ChiChi LaRue don't count.

JB: Well, I'm kind of like today's teens in the fact that I don't really consider oral sex to be sex, you know? And besides, do most people really consider Colin Farrell a celebrity? So I guess the answer is no. Oh wait! I fisted Betty White once. I always forget 'cause she turned me onto angel dust and I was sooooo fucked up.

LB: Jackie, that was me. I always introduce myself as Betty White when I'm on dust. Speaking of Betty, are you a fan of old Hollywood?

JB: Sunset Boulevard is one of my favorite movies. Gloria Swanson plays what I call a vulnerable monster.You hate her, you love her. She's brutal, she's tender. She's an abuser, she's a victim. I can relate because I feel Jackie Beat is also a character of such extremes. Jackie has two settings: God's Gift and Piece of Shit.

LB: Better check the Jackie-ometer--I think it's stuck on the latter. So do you think that a celebrity can be openly gay nowadays without having to worry about career repercussions?

JB: No. This is proven by the number of huge stars that are still closeted. Do you have any idea the amount of money riding on their fame? They're like small countries when you consider how many people make a living off of them. Each one has an army to protect its borders and its riches in other words, the star's reputation and public persona. Those armies can shut people up, make stories disappear, etc. It's all very evil. One word, honey: Scientology.

LB: I was going to join Scientology, but I went with Kabbalah. That's why I'm wearing a red string around my third testicle. Is there any celebrity you especially admire for being openly gay?

JB: Anyone who is out has my respect. Isn't it strange that it's considered courageous and downright revolutionary for famous people to actually be honest about who they are and who they love and to value themselves and their lives more than some job? I mean, this is it, people! Can you imagine lying there on your deathbed, taking your very last breath and thinking, My whole life was a fucking lie!

LB: Hmmm, unlike your fat ass on your deathbed, taking your very last bite and thinking, My whole life was a fucking PIE! Okay, let's wind things up with your take on some of today's top stars. How about Lindsay Lohan?

JB: She got rid of everything that made her special! Her curvy body now has that Hollywood concentration-camp look. She went from being a modern-day Ann-Margaret to just another starving bimbo who looks like she'd snap in two if you fucked her.

LB: Beyonce.

JB: Stunning and talented. I mean, if I say otherwise then I'm a racist, right? Seriously, she's gorgeous. But black.

LB: Jessica Simpson.

JB: This is going to sound harsh, but she should be executed.

LB: Jennifer Aniston.

JB: She's like toast. It's okay, but does anyone really crave it or love it? No. It's just there and when you eat it you say, "This is toast."

LB: Angelina Jolie.

JB: She is so beautiful it borders on inhuman. I imagine her pussy smells like magnolia. She may very well be a hybrid--part human, part alien. They're everywhere here in Hollywood. Little Dakota Fanning is one, I'm sure of it.


HEY! WHY NOT CHECK OUT:

JACKIE'S NEW SITE: JACKIEBEATRULES

MY COMRADE'S OLD SITE: MYCOMRADE.COM

DINA MARTINA IN NYC

3 days left to see this truly demented diva in her solo show. She electrified Wigstock crowds last year and after reading this TIME OUT NY interview, I think you will agree she is a mess who should not be missed! So get your tickets for her SEDENTARY LADY today!

This week marks the long-expected—or is it dreaded?—return engagement of Dina Martina, the perpetually upbeat entertainer whose performances land halfway between trailer-park variety show and Vegas Strip car crash. Encased in form-fitting outfits, the exuberant Ms. Martina (a.k.a. Seattle-based Grady West) eschews the finger-snapping attitude favored by our homegrown talent, and never lets pitch and key get in the way of a good time. She was kind enough to take a break from her busy rehearsal schedule to answer TONY’s questions.

Time Out New York: Tell me a bit about your background. Where did you grow up?

Dina Martina: I was born in the Appalachians, in North Carolina. My father passed away in childbirth, and shortly after that my mother took me to Las Vegas, because she had always wanted to be a compulsive gambler. We were very poor, and my earliest memories are standing outside the casinos, selling juice and cotton balls. When I’d run out of those things, I’d start singing.

TONY: When did you make your showbiz debut?

DM: My mother entered me into the Young Miss Las Vegas Pageant when I was four, and during the talent competition I sang a lovely piece by Beethoven. I won the title, and things really took off from there. I did a lot of cereal and shampoo commercials. I was the Johnson’s Thumbtacks Girl. When I was 18, I modeled for a while—mostly for the braille edition of Vogue.

READ WHOLE INTERVIEW: TIMEOUT

LEAR VS LEPORE, GURL!

AKA DUELLING A-MAN-DAS!


Drats! I couldn't make it to THE QUEEN OF CHINATOOOOWN's art show opening, but thankfully Michael Lucas could, and he snapped several pix of the still lovely legend. SHE just snapped...when some fool reportedly came up to her and said "My dad took me to see your show when I was a kid!". Her painting is incredible--on her face, that is. Ain't so sure about them pitchers she done made but I'm no art connoise--in fact I can't even spell it! Here's one pic, but for more check out LUCASBLOG.COM



If you require even more of this rare bird and her paintings and exquisite album covers. Amanda also has her own site which has oodle of glam pix like this one:



AMANDALEAR.TRIPOD.COM


In other tranny superstar news, Amanda LePore's dolls were successfully launched at NYC luxury store Jeffrey recently. A doll modelled after a transsexual is quite the breakthrough, since Lady LePore holds the unique distinction of being the first inspiration for a doll whose face and body contain more plastic than her replica! One doll features the David Barton Gym Workout look, and it's been confirmed that Amanda is not only a longtime member of said gym, but THAT SHE WALKS THE TREADMILL IN HIGH HEELS!



Amanda also has a new perfume out, and I'm so thrilled. That juice she used to strain from tuna cans and dab behind her ears to pass more effectively wasn't my cup of tea. But I'm there's a little something fishy about her new LaChappelle-backed scent, too! It's called VIRGIN JUICE!

WOMEN BEWARE!

Please pass this on to any woman you care about ...

A new scam is being pulled on women mainly in broad daylight.


What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a traffic light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield. While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her. They are very good at this.



They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday.
..................... I couldn't find them on Sunday

DEAR MR LENO

A few weeks ago, I posted the (by now) well-known letter from Avenue Q playwright Jeff Whitty to Jay Leno. I didn't necessarily agree with all of it, but as gays were delighted with attaining the rights to roll Easter eggs on the White House lawn while their other rights are being stripped away, it really did strike me that Jay's frequent gay jokes were permitted because we are bona fide second class citizens. I don't think Jay would have the courage to attack blacks or jews or cripples in the same way. I don't watch Leno, but I do have a fairly sick sense of humor which extends to even taboo or un PC subjects and definitely make a lot of gay jokes in my own act. (Or does that fall under the safety net of if you are black or gay or jewish or crippled, you can read your own community?) But Whitty definitely has a point. Gays are getting beat up for being gay. So is Jay sending a message that as objects of humor/derision, this treatment is ok? How frequent are his gay jokes? Here's Whitty's letter and Jackie Beat's contrasting view from her blog. Both are well-written and both are fiery. What do you think???

!
Dear Mr. Leno,

My name is Jeff Whitty. I live in New York City. I'm a playwright and the author of "Avenue Q", which is a musical currently running on Broadway.

I've been watching your show a bit, and I'd like to make an observation:

When you think of gay people, it's funny. They're funny folks. They wear leather. They like Judy Garland. They like disco music. They're sort of like Stepin Fetchit as channeled by Richard Simmons.

Gay people, to you, are great material.

Mr. Leno, let me share with you my view of gay people:

When I think of gay people, I think of the gay news anchor who took a tire iron to the head several times when he was vacationing in St. Maarten's. I think of my friend who was visiting Hamburger Mary's, a gay restaurant in Las Vegas, when a bigot threw a smoke bomb filled with toxic chemicals into the restaurant, leaving the staff and gay clientele coughing, puking, and running in terror. I think of visiting my gay friends at their house in the country, sitting outside for dinner, and hearing, within hundreds of feet of where we sat, taunting voices yelling "Faggots." I think of hugging my boyfriend goodbye for the day on 8th Avenue in Manhattan, and being mocked and taunted by passing high school students.

When I think of gay people, I think of suicide. I think of a countless list of people who took their own lives because the world was so toxically hostile to them. Because of the deathly climate of the closet, we will never be able to count them. You think gay people are great material. I think of a silent holocaust that continues to this day. I think of a silent holocaust that is perpetuated by people like you, who seek to minimize us and make fun of us and who I suspect really, fundamentally wish we would just go away.

When I think of gay people, I think of a brave group that has made tremendous contributions to society, in arts, letters, science, philosophy, and politics. I think of some of the most hilarious people I know. I think of a group that has served as a cultural guardian for an ungrateful and ignorant America.

I think of a group of people who have undergone a brave act of inventing themselves. Every single out-of-the-closet gay person has had to say, "I am not part of mainstream society." Mr. Leno, that takes bigger balls than stepping out in front of TV-watching America every night. I daresay I suspect it takes bigger balls to come out of the closet than any thing you have ever done in your life.

I know you know gay people, Mr. Leno. Are they just jokes to you, to be snickered at behind their backs? Despite the angry tenor of my letter, I suspect you're a better man than that. I don't bother writing letters to the "God Hates Fags" people, or Donald Wildmon, or the Pope. But I think you can do better. I know it's "The Tonight Show," not a White House press conference, but you reach a lot of people.

I caught your show when you had a tired mockery of "Brokeback Mountain," involving something about a horse done up in what you consider a "gay" way. Man, that's dated. I turned the television off and felt pretty fucking depressed. And now I understand your gay-baiting jokes have continued.

Mr. Leno, I have a sense of humor. It's my livelihood. And being gay has many hilarious aspects to it -- none of which, I suspect, you understand. I'm tired of people like you. When I think of gay people, I think of centuries of suffering. I think of really, really good people who've been gravely mistreated for a long time now.

You've got to cut it out, Jay.

Sincerely,


Jeff Whitty
New York, NY


JACKIE BEAT'S RESPONSE FROM HER BLOG ON JACKIEBEATRULES.COM


Dear Mr. Whitty,

Anyone who thinks that Jay Leno or The Tonight Show is in any way responsible for violence against gay people is just plain reaching.

Homophobes are looking for any reason to express their ignorance and hatred. Should the film “Brokeback Mountain” not have been released simply because it’s very existence could possibly inflame more anger or incite more violence?

Gay people have fought to be accepted and I for one am happy that we are so mainstream now that we’re “fair game” when it comes to comedy. Jay Leno is personally responsible for the fact that millions of people now welcome a young gay man into their living rooms on a regular basis. Does that man talk about gay rights and gay marriage and his personal life? No. He’s too busy doing his job — making people laugh — WITH him, not AT him. And to those few who may indeed be laughing AT him, nothing is going to change their closed minds. Not all the assimilation and butching-it-up and “See?-We’re-just-like-you!” in the world. When you attend Gay Pride are you embarrassed by the drag queens and the leather daddies because they are somehow fanning the flames of homophobia? “If they would only tone it down and stop making it so hard for the rest of us.”

You claim that when Mr. Leno thinks of gay people, it’s funny. Could that possibly be because he is a comedian? When Mr. Leno (or more accurately, his writers) thinks of anyone or anything, it’s funny. Images of people being brutalized have no place within a comedic monologue. That, unfortunately, would undermine the comedy. Mr. Leno also thinks that Women, Blacks, Teenagers, Asians, Celebrities, Latinos, Stupid Criminals, Old White Politicians, Lousy Proofreaders and even Our President, are funny. He does not feel the need to include serious commentary on sex discrimination, abortion, spousal abuse, hate crimes, slavery, racism, classism, etc. Since he does not balance his comedy with the complex reality of social issues, does that mean gay people are completely off-limits to him?

Why is it okay for gay people to cash in on stereotypes (Queer Eye’s fab five sashaying into some clueless breeder’s tacky apartment and giving it a gay makeover), but the moment someone we assume to be straight does it, we start crying homophobia? Would it be different if Jay Leno was gay? Bisexual? Experimented in college? Where is that line, exactly?

Black comedians do impersonations of boring white guys who can’t dance with nerdy newscaster voices. Women and gay stand-ups make fun of straight men all the time. Does Jay Leno write them letters? Nope. And I won’t even get into the fact that Christian bashing (of which I admit I’m guilty, they make it so easy, the jokes just write themselves!) is prevalent and unchecked among most left-wing comedians. It’s okay to make fun of them because they’re stupid and wrong, right?

Be honest, are you totally comfortable with everything that comes out of Margaret Cho’s mouth? Is comedy about being comfortable or about pushing the envelope? Why is Ms. Cho’s material not only acceptable, but lauded, while the similarly foul-mouthed shock comic Andrew “Dice” Clay was practically burned at the stake? Perhaps it is because Clay did not make it crystal clear that he was a character who was playing devil’s advocate. Margaret Cho is NOT a gay man, but I can laugh at her gay jokes, impersonations of drag queens and even when she says that England is where white people go to begin the whitening process. Or something like that — I was laughing too hard to get every word.

The truth is, you cannot please everyone. There will always be someone who will be offended. “This is too gay. This is not gay enough. This does not represent me.” When you attempt to please everyone, you please no one. I heard many people complaining that “Transamerica” was not an accurate portrayal of M to F transsexuals. Guess what? It is only ONE story. AND it’s a fictional movie, not a documentary.

Why do people get so up in arms when we have the audacity to actually admit that people are different? News flash: Gay people are different than straight people, AND THANK GOD! That does not mean we are aliens or monsters. It simply means that we are different, just like Blacks and Latinos and Asians and Whites are different from each other. There is a time and a place to celebrate and focus on what makes us all alike and a time and a place to celebrate (yes, celebrate!) what makes us all different.

Several of the new gay networks have approached myself and/or friends of mine to develop Saturday Night Live-style sketch comedy shows. After submitting outlines we have actually been told that they do not like our “tone” — that our style is too edgy and too mean-spirited. Hello? And speaking of SNL, I adore their “Gays In Space” sketch — overflowing with lisping, snapping, mincing, crotch-obsessed queens. To me, the joke is that any genre can easily be “fabulized” and made gay. Personally, I am more offended by GLAAD favorites “Will & Grace” (and it’s supposedly all-straight cast) and “Queer As Folk.” They’re not my cup of pee, but I can stand back and say, “Go on with your bad (writing) self!”

My point is this: Stereotypes and broad strokes have always — and will always — have a place in comedy. In our overly-PC world, we have become so hypersensitive that the arts and especially comedy have become safe and boring. Thank God the pendulum always swings back and we get in-your-face bitches like Lisa Lampanelli and tell-it-like-it-is geniuses like Dave Chappelle. To paraphrase Justice Potter Stewart’s infamous quote regarding obscenity, “I may not know the definition of homophobia, but I know it when I see it!”

Sorry, but I just don’t see it when I watch Jay Leno.

Sincerely,
Jackie Beat
Los Angeles, CA

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TOP GUN NO MORE

Johnathon sent me this from Jeannette Walls' MSNBC gossip column!


How the Top Gun's image has fallen. Tom Cruise, who was once known as Cruise Control for the tight control he had over his image, is now the subject of ridicule by a drag queen who tours college campuses. Vaginal Davis, who has been described as a "tall, muscular African-American drag queen" made Cruise the butt of jokes at a recent Gay Pride Week performance at Ohio University. "Davis mocked the Hollywood star for his pretentious attitude toward psychiatry and prescription drugs (fueled by Scientology)," as well as made cracks about Cruise's sexuality, reports student newspaper The Athens News. Davis also featured a photo montage entitled "Tom Cruise Loves Women." "Does this mean Mr. Cruise will call up his famous pit bull lawyer Bert Fields to come in and take down the drag queen?" asked Rick Ross of Cultnews.com. "Scientology's 'Top Gun' has gone from Hollywood's leading man to the punch line of party jokes."

BEYONCE STEALS CAR IN FLA!

VIRTUALMATTER

BIR FLU HITS SOUTH FLA

CHEESY SIMPSONS AND DESIGNER POO

TWO APPETIZING ITEMS FROM POPBITCH.COM:

>> The cheesy Simpsons <<
Ash and Jess demand a pizza the action

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson stayed at the
Hilton hotel in Sydney on their recent MTV-funded
trip. The hotel has one of the city's best
restaurants, the Glass Brasserie, run by one
of Australia's top chefs, Luke Mangan.
The sisters went for dinner there one night,
but wouldn't eat anything on the delicious menu
(steaks, oysters, baby barramundi, chocolate
tart etc). So what are two spoiled, hungry
celebrities to do? Well, you sit in the
restaurant in silence, surrounded by four
enormous bodyguards, and order in from Pizza
Hut - a large pepperoni and double cheese.

>> Big Questions <<
Who people are asking about this week

Which sharp-tongued fashion designer made a
spectacle of himself at a brothel in Rio
this year? At brothel 202, the fashionista
asked for the three biggest black guys
to shag him, but had forgotten to douche so
sprayed the room with poo.

SHE CAME FROM PLANET CLAIRE!

I have always marvelled at what transsexuals will go through to "pass" as women. Of course, there are back alley butchers who allegedly perform everything from heel-chopping to small toe-chopping so that the "girls" can cram their Cinderfella hooves into real women's size slippers. At one point, there was a popular "doctor" who set up shop in a van on NYC West Side Highway and gave the trannies shot of silicone. There have always been questions about the safety of silicone. There were lawsuits several years ago from real women who developed health complications when their silicone breast leaked, but the trannies aren't even using bags. They shoot the silicone diredtly into the chin, ass, lips, tits, wherever, without fear for their safety. It's kind of like "ME MUST BE FISH NOW" to either look luscious enough to turn tricks or win that pageant or whatever. In the South, even men who don't do drag get silicon injections.

Now Restylane and safer, permanent fillers have been developed. But that doesn't stop the great length to which these girls who feel they were born in the body of the wrong sex will go to. I know on TS hooker who has had her brow bone reduced. The doctor peels back her skin from her forehead and literally shaves down the bone. She said she had to be anaesthetized for 3 days because the pain is so intense that if she were to wake up, a heart attack from the intense pain would be likely. And she's been through this twice!

Now I'm going to give you "girls" a little tip. Even if you aren't attractive, most faces are naturally proportioned. So you can't always change one thing only. A nose job, which I hope to get one day, is a perfect example. If you are getting your schnoz chopped to feminize your face, please be aware that against your newly petite button nose, your jaw and browbone, two tell-tale symptons of masculinity, are going to appear larger. So you may wanna consider having them shaved as well, or you may end up looking like Tranny From The Black Lagoon, very amphibian. The article below, from the always informative SF.GATE.COM, details the procedure with before and after pix. What gags me is that some trannies who go from straight-identified men to sex-changes never develop a fag's sense of what flatters them. Hence this TS's maquillage, whose thin lips look even thinner painted as a dark, red razor-lipped gash.

I'm aware that red lipstick is perceived as the ultimate in sexy, but if your lips are thin (as mine are) opt for lighter corals, pinks, plums and frosts to plump them, honey! And I don't know the particular situation of this guinea pig, but it strikes me as odd that she would have every bone in her face broken and not take enough hormones to soften that muscular arm of "hers"! Or at least wear a long-sleeved blouse to conceal a grisly arm instead of showcasing them in a wife-beater, for chrissakes! Oh well, I guess working the pool makes girlfriend feel "fish".




FACING FACTS (from SFGATE.COM)

Claire Roberts had tried plastic surgery: two nose jobs, plus a surgical procedure in which her jawbone was shaved down to create a softer contour.

But nothing really worked. A transsexual who decided late in life to transition to female gender, Roberts went to San Francisco plastic surgeon Douglas Ousterhout last fall and requested a new face. She wanted to "pass," which in her case meant altering a Governator jaw, a large nose and a low, protruding brow line that "made me feel about as feminine as one of the females in 'Planet of the Apes.'

"I felt like I could not shift over to a full-time gender position until my face -- my identity -- was correct," explains Roberts. The 59-year-old Seattle musician and retired business executive is 6 feet tall and has a 25-year-old son. He found out about Ousterhout's innovative facial feminization surgery online and decided to take the leap. The results, five months later, are dramatic: instead of the receding hairline, lantern jaw and (actor) Geoffrey Rush profile, Roberts is a perfectly plausible female.

WHOLE ARTICLE: SFGATE.COM


Oh, and can I just interject here that I love Jane Fonda, and have loved both of her recent appearances on Larry King even though she shied away from politcs cuz she's hawking a book? But she was also denouncing plastic surgery, which she admits to having had performed. A breast augmentation, I think. Honey, that's a lot easier for you to say. You're one of the silver screens most alluring sex bombs with a perfectly upturned button nose and classic all-American beauty rose facial features. Not all of us are born that way, sweets. Jane made the point a la Pink in STUPID GIRLS, that many of today's stars are cookie cutter versions with the same nose whittle, injected lips, blue-white teeth and botoxed wrinkles. Teenage girls are routinely being given boob jobs for graduation presents nowadays and Lady Kier just met a beautiful young male fan who was obsessed with all the surgeries he "needed" to look perfect. He piched half an inch of fat on his stomach and said "LIPOSUCTION". There's no doubt that all of the current rash plastic surgery how-to shows are taking effect, where they serve as a regularly-aired infomercial for the procedures. But some of my favorite faces (Barbara Eden, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jackie Stallone--kidding about that last one!) have been created with a surgeon's knife, so I'm not ready to write it off yet Jane , particularly for those of us who are in sow business! And it's easy for you to slam plastic surgery AFTER you've had yours, Hanoi Jane!

RANDI ON FIRE!

Maybe Bush will be impeached, if California, Illinois and Vermont have their way. "A little know parliamentary procedure established by Thomas Jefferson allows for the States to trigger impeachment proceedings in the US House", claimes Randi Rhodes website, and this was her main topic of discussion on yesterday's brilliant AIR AMERICA broadcast, as well as today's. Every public democrat with a brain--I'm guessing 10, tops?--is milking the gas prices for all it's worth. They have doubled since Bush ran against Gore. Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi linked the higher prices to that fact that the pres and VP were oil men, and the oil companies' record profits had coincided with the price hikes. We should all have made that connection and Nancy should have stated it years ago.

What I did not know was Randi's claim that while Bush claims we need to cut oil consumption, he actually gave this tax break to anyone who bought a $75,000 SUV, enabling purchasers to write off THE ENTIRE COST of the vehicles if they have any sort of home office. This does not apply to the slightly smaller SUVs which might get 20 miles per gallon, ONLY TO THE HUGE ONES WHICH GET 15 MPG! If you are still smarting from your IRS payment, here's a little salt for your wounds: YOUR TAXES PAID FOR SOME LAWYER'S OR ACCOUNTANT'S SUV. And no SUV is gonna cure of us of "addiction to oil." Quite the opposite.

Randi also played a soundclip of a Tennessee Congresswoman who was interviewed on Chris Matthew's HARD BALL fill-in moderator. When Miss Tennessee began blaming the oil crisis on environmental wackos, the fill-in interrupted her with "Don't give me the talking points.", because one of the Republican talking points which Randi also subscribes to, is blame the oil prices on environmentalists. Yeah! "Fault the people who want their kids to be able to take a clean breath of air when they are forty.", ranted Randi yesterday. (I'm quoting from memory.) And sure enough, it's not just a talking point. Bush's answer to oil prices? Ease clean air restrictions. YAHOONEWS I tell ya, Randi is on a roll and I challenge you to give her a listen today at 3-7 Eastern time either online at AIRAMERICA on on your local radio station and not wanna cry out against the injustice that we call government. This super-smart, truth-talking firebrand's career is gathering momentum and it's been a thrill to see her on CNN several times recently. (Though I'm not sure about the red eyeshadow, gurl.) But nothing touches her live shows, when she doesn't have to be chopped into soundbites and can read Republican scum to filth for hours. Well, in between those nutty Ovaltine commercials, that is.

"TWIN GATE SPINGATE"

Though I 'm sick of every insignificant scandal being suffixed with "gate", this one delights me. The Bush twins take an early morning spinning class. The instructor wasn't aware of their presence and mocked their dumb-ass daddy while passing out a free dvd of Bush's "misspeaks" to all of his students. He even quoted Bush's genius “Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their, their love with women all across this country.” in front of the class. Morning, twins! Your dad is a punchline, not a leader!The real shocker? That those two drunks were up at 6:00AM, when they are usually spinning out of control! Or so I'd like to believe, anyway. Makes me feel much better that I'm spreading gossip while avoiding exercise this morning! I sacrifice so much for you, dear readers.

WHOLE STORY HERE: HUFFPO

BUNNY MEETS BOLLYWOOD

FX turned me on to this cute site where you can caption your own Bollywood clips to make subtitle film shorts in Hindi. Here's mine:

GRAPHEINE

Oh, and here's the sequel by HEAVENSCHOSEN: GRAPHEINE

But I think JOHNBOY's might be the most poignant: GRAPHEINE

Oh, and here's BOMBAY MOUNTAIN by CHRISTOPHER (from MYSPACE): GRAPHEINE

NICK AND VAL

I saw two of my favorite songwriters, Ashford and Simpson, do their thing on Saturday night at Queens University's Colden Center--yeah, I hadn't ever heard of the place either! This duo has brought so much joy into our lives through their genius hits like Diana Ross's AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH and every track on her sensational THE BOSS album, as well as other hits like Gladys Knight's drag lip-synch classic I WILL FIGHT, which I assure you, if you grew up down south, you've pulled out many tip dollars out for whichever queen was mopping the floor with it. Nick and Val's biggest chart position as recording artists was the early 80's SOLID, but for the true A & S fans it was their funky, sophisticated disco for which they'll be remembered. FOUND A CURE, DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN', IT SEEMS TO HANG ON, GET UP AND DO SOMETHIN', STREET CORNER, HIGH RISE, the sublime slow-cooker RUSHIN' an my all time fav LOVE DON'T ALWAYS MAKE IT RIGHT. They threw enough of these in their set to satisfy. And they opened with an overture of BOURGIE BOURGIE, which A & S released as an instrumental. I guess they wrote the lyrics in for Gladys Knight later:

"Never have to work too hard.
Your face is your credit card."

Click this link to here samples of Ashford and Simpson-penned gems for Gladys, including TASTE OF BITTER LOVE wrote and produced this gold), I WILL FIGHT and BOURGIE BOURGIE: AMAZON.COM

Their concert took a little autobiographical turn, as they strutted down memory lane looking damn good for 60! I didn't even know that their first hit was LET'S GO GET STONED, recorded by Ray Charles. And Nick was homeless when he met Val. The two became staff writers for Motown, and penned Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell chestnuts like AIN'T NOTHIN LIKE THE REAL THING and YOUR PRECIOUS LOVE as well as many of Diane Ross's early solo material like her signature masterpiece REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEBODY'S HAND. Somehow--probably due in part to Valerie's church-trained piano-playing skills, their chords changes completely captured the late 60's/early 70's era and provided a spell-binding backdrop for Diana's voice on tracks like SURRENDER, REMEMBER ME, IF YOU SEE HIM, and the most fantastic version of the FOUR TOPS' REACH OUT, I'LL BE THERE that I've ever heard. I don't think I've ever listened to this without crying a little. (Great review for this rare album here: MYSITE This album's rare, but on one country's cover (japanese?) Miss Ross is wearing an afro, upper and lower spiky lashes and light blue liner in the eye's rim! Exquisite!)



The two songwriters didn't hesitate to boost Diana's nasal voice with gospel choirs and wild orchestrations, and rumor has it that they tricked her when recording THE BOSS, which they also produced with the finest studio musicians on earth. I've re-wound sections of these songs over and over in disbelief of how the instruments come together. Having finished the main lead tracks, apparently they coaxed her into recording a looser, more energetic take "just for fun." Diana, always wanting to be the lady, resisted, but they finally got their way and included bits of Diana "going off." The result is all those "whoo hoo hoo hoo's" you here her doing in THE BOSS's break. If you don't have this album, BUY IT NOW! The real ki-ki back in the day was the 12" mix of NO ONE GETS THE PRIZE which segued into THE BOSS. Honey, the queens went nuts to that one! But the album also features the very Diana IT'S MY HOUSE, the underrated ONCE IN THE MORNING (which HRH Princess Diandra used to synch at Boybar) and I AIN'T BEEN LICKED, a comeback song which starts off with the words:

"Roll down the gangway so they'll see that it's me.
I know you wondered about my recovery."

You gotta love any reference to a gangway! Lyrics are one of Nick and Val's specialties, and Val revealed that Nick had written the lyrics to I'M EVERY WOMAN, a hit for Chaka, Whitney and now Oprah's theme song. Now how would Nick know so much about being a woman? Don't you answer that! Nick's voice is noticeably weaker, but one bitter queen I went with said that his voice never was that good back in the day and that Valerie always carried their live shows. I have no idea, but he is still working those inexplicable fashions (pants with a drape-y side skirt?) of his with that dated, jheri-dripping weave. But, honey, I don't look for style tips from Aretha or these two. They were blessed with SO much in one department, as far as I'm concerned, they don't really need too much in ANY other department. And if you really wanna hear a rare gem written and produced by them, hunt for BAD COMPANY on Ullandah McCullough's 1981 solo album. This was a disco-era project which they wrote and produced for one of their back-up singers who had much stronger pipes than Diana.Excellent if you can find it. On WARM AND GENTLE EXPLOSION, Nick almost seems to be able to write about experiencing a woman's orgasm himself...But after all the joking about his effeminacy and hair and costumes, I honestly can't say that I think Nick's gay. I don't care if he is, but after this concert, I realized that Valerie is such a cute and sassy spitfire, I can't imagine a together lady like her sticking with a gay husband, especially since they aren't really making records anymore and times are so much more open these days. (The program used a 20 year-old pic!) Who would care if he came out now? I just wonder if that was him pulling up in the white Lincoln with plates that said "Dr. Butch"? Or what if it was her?

JURY DOODY

Here's a tip for ya: if you ever get picked for grand jury duty in NYC, DO ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF IT. After kvetching in Sunday's PIER PRESSURE rant about how we've all got to get involved to ensure that our voices are heard fro within the system, I'm eating my words as I prepare for the second day of 1 month of grand jury duty. Let's just hope it's a hung jury! With grand jury, you don't actually hear trials, but you hear many pre-trials for ONE MONTH to determine if the prosecutor has enough evidence to go to trial. So there is no hope of getting off early should a verdict be reached quickly. Actually, our first case today was fairly interesting, but I'm sworn to secrecy. (Hint: it did NOT involve stains on a settee left by Linda Simpson's bleeding hemmorhoids at the venue where the MY COMRADE soiree was held last week.) I think I can disclose that the warden was tickled pink when she recognized a TV star from some home improvement show amongst my fellow jurors. The one plus about grand jury duty is that once you've served your four weeks, you don't get summoned again for 8 years. Why I'll be out of school by then and probably married! And you get a whopping $40 per day. And hell, it's my first time serving and I've lived in NYC over 20 years! I wore a "YOU MESS WITH ME, YOU MESS WITH THE WHOLE TRAILER PARK" t-shirt today. Today, let's see how they like the US government seal with EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG worked into it.

A kook from the Pyramid club had a novel approach to never getting summoned to serve. Kennon B. Raines, a poetess who migrated to NYC along with the Atlanta posse which included Larry Tee, Lahoma Van Zandt, RuPaul, FFloyd, Lurleen, Beme Seed, Lady Pecan and more, showed up for jury selection dressed as a homeless woman. (RuPaul lent her the dress.) Kennon rubbed dirt all over her face and for added authenticity, dumped a beer on her head prior to entering the courthouse. When they told her that she wasn't needed, she pitched a fit and started screaming "They said I was gonna make $8 a day. I want my $8!" Needless to say, they didn't ever summon Miss Kennon again.

ADS SCHMADS

FROM HUFFPO: Ty Pennington, the megaphone-wielding host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," isn't the most recognized name in Hollywood, but he carries the most clout on Madison Avenue.

The celeb handyman, who sells his own line of housewares at Sears, is the best at getting consumers to pull out the credit card, a new study says.

... Sexpot Anna Nicole Smith, hotel heiress Paris Hilton, pop tart Britney Spears, supermodel Kate Moss and real estate mogul Donald Trump were all examples of celebs whose association made it less likely a person would buy a product, the study said.

WHOLE ARTICLE: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2006/04/25/study-when-paris-hilton_n_19746.html

So I wonder why these non-selling celebs aren't selling? Are they just so "hot" that burger chains and perfume manufacturers think "Let's hitch up to their wagons while they're hot?" Or do advertisers not determine that they're hot until the public's actually sick of them? I mean Anna Nicole DID lose a lot of weight after everyone in the nation saw her well-publicized reality show in which she was much heavier. Maybe people just don't believe that it was Trim Spa that slimmed her down--and it probably wasn't. Unless the diet was combined with personal trainers, chefs, etc. But my real question is even if you worship Paris or Britney or Kate, do you love them so much that you'll buy whatever product they endorse? I don't care if who endorses it or how cool the theme song is or even if I think the commercial is a laugh, I buy the products I need and have sense enough to know which ones they are. So until Paris is endorsing Depends TM diapers or gerbil feed....

WARNING: VAGINAL DAVIS APPROACHING

LA's FINEST SCUM: VAGINAL DAVIS AND RON ATHEY



She's coming to town, yall! With her crew of LA freaks to titillate and mystify. Including a recreation of her hit 1920's-inspred club night Bricktops, which was a smash in LA. If you aren't familiar with her from her demented shrimping rendition of Prince's CHERRIES IN THE SNOW, you may have caught her on Armistead Maupin's TALES OF THE CITY. Check out her site at

Or all these upcoming NYC dates with Ron Athey and Franko B, the most glittering, unmissable one may be Bricktops, named after Vaginals' rough brickish face and the type of "top men" she seeks to plunge her nightly.


WHERE ART AND LIFE COLLIDE:
RON ATHEY
FRANKO B
VAGINAL DAVIS
April 28 May 5, 2006

From April 28 through May 5 2006, Ron Athey, Franko B, and Vaginal Davis
come to New York for a series of premiere performances, lectures and events
focusing on the unique way in which the work of all three artists challenges
the separation between art and life.

In modern societies, the power of private experience is often filtered
through the norms of social convention and the repression of difference. Ron
Athey, Franko B, and Vaginal Davis challenge these constraints, sharing a
commitment to artistic practices which transcend the boundaries of career,
or marketplace and move into the space of life, orwho they are. All
three artists consider themselves marginalized for reasons ranging from
race, to class, to sexuality, and have subsequently used their involvement
in subcultural movements to develop and propel their work. As an integral
part of their performance work, Ron Athey, Franko B, and Vaginal Davis all
subject themselves to physical, cultural, and psychological challenges as a
means to transform the conditions of the present, thus their work is able to
function simultaneously as exorcism and an opportunity for healing.



Performances:

Monday, May 1, 5:00-10:00 PM
Ron Athey will premiere "Incorruptible Flesh: Dissociative Sparkle", a
durational performance.
Artists Space, 38 Greene Street, ($10)

Tuesday, May 2, 4:00 PM-Midnight
Franko B will present his first ever performance in the U.S.
“Aktion 893: Why are you here?
One-to-one personal performances with the artist by appointment
(212-254-4334).
Participant Inc., 95 Rivington Street, ($10)

Thursday, May 4, 10:00 PM
Vaginal Davis will host a one night only revival of this 1920's themed
showstopper extravaganza of old-timey glamour as Bricktops Takes
Manhattan with salons, shacks and speakeasy installations built by Future
Art Stars from the NYU Department of Art and Art Professions in
collaboration with Obie and Bessie award winning set designer Michael
Casselli. Produced by Earl Dax Presents, with performances by Vaginal Davis as Madame Bricktop, accompanied by John Blue Jazz Sextette , Jennifer Miller, Julie Atlas Muz, The Wau Wau Sisters, Anderson Cooper channeling Bobby Short and many Surprise Guests. DJ's Bernice Bobs Her Hair, Pirate Jenny of Montepelier and Billy Miller of the Manhattan Review of Unnatural Acts
Siberia, 356 West 40th Street, ($10)

Related Events:

Friday, April 28, 6:00-8:00 PM
PERFORMA founder and director Roselee Goldberg hosts NOT FOR SALE: WE ARE
STILL APPALLED panel discussion with critic C. Carr, Professor Susan
Jarosi, the artist Orlan, Robert Storr and Lucy Sexton.
Einstein Auditorium, NYU Barney Building, 34 Stuyvesant Street, FREE
Reception sponsored by the Sullivan Street Bakery.

Friday, May 5, 6:00-8:00 PM
Artist lectures by Ron Athey, Franko B, and Vaginal Davis, followed by panel
discussion with the artists moderated by Jose Munoz.
Einstein Auditorium, NYU Barney Building, 34 Stuyvesant Street, FREE

Additional events throughout the week featuring Lesbians to the Rescue,
Filmmaker Simeon Hutner, and writer Jennifer Doyle.

Visit www.artofnightlife.net for up-to-date information and a full listing
of events

Biographies:

Ron Athey's work weaves together the baroque visuals and ecstatic
experiences of the fundamentalist Christian rituals of his youth with those
found in the contemporary, then underground, cultures he found solace in as
an adult. Athey lives through real physical extremes on stage as a means to
acknowledge, own, and move beyond them, finding resolve in life's harsh
truths and beauty in the honesty and ownership of pain.

Franko B is best known for his stark, blood-loss performances and has also
developed a large bodies of work in sculpture, painting, and photography. He
is the subject of four artist monographs and has been presented by numerous
venues throughout Europe, including the Tate Modern, London and the Palais
des Beaux-Artes, Brussels.

Vaginal Davis' work encompasses drag, performance art, music, writing,
experimental filmmaking, and painting. In 2002 Davis began also embodying the persona of Ada 'Bricktop"Smith, self-described performer and salon keeper who was a confidant of Cole Porter, mentor to Josephine Baker and Duke Ellington, and pioneered important night life spaces in Paris, Mexico City and Rome. Davis
hosted her hugely successful Club Bricktops Los Angeles at the Parlor Bar
from 2002-2005 when the Parlor closed.

Co-Sponsored by:
New York University's Steinhardt Department of Art and Art Professions,
Department of Applied Psychology, Department of Drama Therapy, NYU Tisch
Department of Performance Studies, NYU Center for Religion and Media, NYU
Humanities Council and Office of Lesbian Gay and Transgender Student
Services in association with Artists Space, Earl Dax Presents, Participant
Inc., PERFORMA, Performance Space 122, and Visual AIDS

Information: Jonathan Berger, 917.209.8046


Vaginal also has an ill blog on her site VAGINALDAVIS