April 28, 2006

BUNNY ON JACKIE

Quit vomiting! Not in bed! She topped me! Actually, I interviewed that wacky Jackie Beat for the latest issue of MY COMRADE 'zine, which is rumored to be one of the funniest issue ever! That wouldn't be hard. But publisher/editrix Linda Simpson's face would be! Hard, that is. Just warming up, folks! The new issue features features on or by burlesque star Dirty Martini, Project Runway's Austin Scarlett, latino lesbo comedienne Margo Gomez, Mike Albo, Xavier, Milan, Sweetie, Eddie Murphy, Lynne Cheney and even smutty pix of donkey-dicked studmuffin Tommy Hottpants!

I got to interview Jackie, and Linda offered to let me reprint the entire chit-chat as a teaser for you to buy the rags if I tell you where they are sold. Now naturally, it's one helluva teaser, since my interview with Jackie is by far the best thing in the issue. KIDDING! Actually, the lay-out is better than ever (interpret as you wish) and even features a Barbara Patterson Lloyd "fashion" spread! Can someone tell me why someone at VOGUE didn't think of that?



WHERE TO BUY (CLICK PIC TO ENLARGE IF NECESSARY) YOU'VE SEEN LINDA'S WIGS--URGENT: PLEASE BUY AN ISSUE OR TWO!




THE INTERVIEW, REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION (FOR A CHANGE) FROM MY COMRADE

Hollywood comedy gal Jackie Beat chats about fame and all its trimmings

By My Comrade newshound Lady Bunny

Lady Bunny: Which show-biz personalities have influenced you the most besides your obvious look-a-like silent-film star Wallace Beery?

Jackie Beat: Leave it to dusty old Bunny to make a joke about an obscure cross-dressing actor that no one under the age of 70 remembers.

LB: You don't remember your own son?



JB: My influences fall into two categories. There are the genius comedians like SCTV's Andrea Martin and Martin Short. Or as I like to call them to save time, Andrea Martin Short. And then there are over-the-top, theatrical rock bands like KISS. I'm very proud of the fact that I wear more makeup than all four members combined.

LB: As a child, what celebrities did you worship? Satan doesn't count.

JB: Again, Bunny, hilarious. But why are you knocking Satan? He's not responsible for your birth defects, your chain-smoking, Chablis-guzzling mother is. But to answer your question, I was obsessed with Carol Burnett and Mary Tyler Moore. I used to sit in my parents king-size bed with my mom and watch TV every Saturday night. And when the Miss America Pageant was on? You better just make some popcorn and shut up! And pass mommy her filterless Pall Malls, would ya?

LB: I see, so your chain-smoking, Chablis-guzzling crack about my Mom was actually you trying to deal with your own tragic background. Were there any happy times, Jackie? I know that enduring prolonged trauma can wipe out a lot of memories just like the way you wiped away the residue of 20 hot dogs from your asshole this morning.

JB: Well, I never! I won't even dignify that revolting scenario with one of my award-winning, hilarious comebacks! No, there were no happy times. I guess you could say that my childhood was just like the audience at one of your shows--miserable!

LB: Please continue.

JB: Not to get maudlin, but as a little gay boy I never really saw a future for myself. I never saw anyone like me in the movies or on TV. So I couldn't imagine myself growing up and having a career or a companion or anything. When a kid can't picture any kind of future it is sheer hopelessness. It's similar to gang members in the inner city. How can they care about something they can't envision?

LB: Yeah but unlike you, the gang kids are cute.

JB: I am so glad that things have changed for gay kids. I guess I just desperately wanted to be a normal person when I grew up. Thank God that was not in the cards. I look at the boring-ass people I went to high-school with and they're all on their third marriages with hideous, hateful kids. Ugh. Thank God I was, and still am, a total freak!

LB: As a little girl, I was hot for Lassie, until it shaved itself and began billing itself as Linda Simpson. Did you have any childhood or teenage crushes on stars or musicians?

JB: Believe it or not, Valerie Bertinelli, who played Barbara Romano on One Day At A Time. I wrote her a fan letter asking for an autographed picture and just to make sure she sent one I lied and told her I had leukemia. And I got one. Moral of the story? Lying works!

LB: Have you ever met someone and been completely star-struck?

JB: When Parker Posey brought Liza Minnelli to my holiday show, it took everything I had within me to keep it together. As far as I'm concerned, Liza coming to a drag queen's show is like a minister walking out to give his Sunday-morning sermon and seeing Jesus sitting in the front row!

LB: Have you ever has a sexual encounter with a celebrity? Rimming Alex Arquette and ChiChi LaRue don't count.

JB: Well, I'm kind of like today's teens in the fact that I don't really consider oral sex to be sex, you know? And besides, do most people really consider Colin Farrell a celebrity? So I guess the answer is no. Oh wait! I fisted Betty White once. I always forget 'cause she turned me onto angel dust and I was sooooo fucked up.

LB: Jackie, that was me. I always introduce myself as Betty White when I'm on dust. Speaking of Betty, are you a fan of old Hollywood?

JB: Sunset Boulevard is one of my favorite movies. Gloria Swanson plays what I call a vulnerable monster.You hate her, you love her. She's brutal, she's tender. She's an abuser, she's a victim. I can relate because I feel Jackie Beat is also a character of such extremes. Jackie has two settings: God's Gift and Piece of Shit.

LB: Better check the Jackie-ometer--I think it's stuck on the latter. So do you think that a celebrity can be openly gay nowadays without having to worry about career repercussions?

JB: No. This is proven by the number of huge stars that are still closeted. Do you have any idea the amount of money riding on their fame? They're like small countries when you consider how many people make a living off of them. Each one has an army to protect its borders and its riches in other words, the star's reputation and public persona. Those armies can shut people up, make stories disappear, etc. It's all very evil. One word, honey: Scientology.

LB: I was going to join Scientology, but I went with Kabbalah. That's why I'm wearing a red string around my third testicle. Is there any celebrity you especially admire for being openly gay?

JB: Anyone who is out has my respect. Isn't it strange that it's considered courageous and downright revolutionary for famous people to actually be honest about who they are and who they love and to value themselves and their lives more than some job? I mean, this is it, people! Can you imagine lying there on your deathbed, taking your very last breath and thinking, My whole life was a fucking lie!

LB: Hmmm, unlike your fat ass on your deathbed, taking your very last bite and thinking, My whole life was a fucking PIE! Okay, let's wind things up with your take on some of today's top stars. How about Lindsay Lohan?

JB: She got rid of everything that made her special! Her curvy body now has that Hollywood concentration-camp look. She went from being a modern-day Ann-Margaret to just another starving bimbo who looks like she'd snap in two if you fucked her.

LB: Beyonce.

JB: Stunning and talented. I mean, if I say otherwise then I'm a racist, right? Seriously, she's gorgeous. But black.

LB: Jessica Simpson.

JB: This is going to sound harsh, but she should be executed.

LB: Jennifer Aniston.

JB: She's like toast. It's okay, but does anyone really crave it or love it? No. It's just there and when you eat it you say, "This is toast."

LB: Angelina Jolie.

JB: She is so beautiful it borders on inhuman. I imagine her pussy smells like magnolia. She may very well be a hybrid--part human, part alien. They're everywhere here in Hollywood. Little Dakota Fanning is one, I'm sure of it.


HEY! WHY NOT CHECK OUT:

JACKIE'S NEW SITE: JACKIEBEATRULES

MY COMRADE'S OLD SITE: MYCOMRADE.COM

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