RED STATE BLUES

I'm in High Point, North Carolina at the moment, so I say AMEN to this, sister! The vocalist is Denise Lee of the Texas Lee's.

BREAKING IT DOWN

LARRY CRAIG TEA ROOM GETS MAKEOVER!

HUFFPO

In essence, the stall dividers will go all the way down to the floor now.

And check out this parody of KNOCK THREE TIMES:

TAP THREE TIMES ON WITH YOUR LOAFER IF YOU WANT ME!

SO THIS BIRD WALKS INTO A STORE...

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips.





Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

WAH-WAH!

A man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband
that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of
her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that
The doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would t ell no one about
where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor
their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After
the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he
ever had before! All his friends and relatives just
went on and on about his youthful beauty!


One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with
emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

LEAVE BLACKBEARD ALONE

CHRIS "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE" COCKER CONTINUES TO INSPIRE--EVEN PIRATES! THIS IS A HOOT!

FRENCH AND SAUNDERS SPOOF PROJECT RUNWAY

THE GIRL WHO'S HAD SEX 300 TIMES

FROM MAURY POVICH, IN SLOW-MO! SICK!

TEE HEE!

A LITTLE HISTORY LESSON

Someone forwarded me this--I found it fascinating! And came twice!


> > > >The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
> > > water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
> > > used to be. Here are some facts
> > > >
> > > >about the 1500s:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
> > > > bath
> > > in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
> > > starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
> > > body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
> > > married.
> > > >
> > > > Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
> > > > the
> > > house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
> > > sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
> > > babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone
> > > in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath
> > > water..
> > > >
> > > > Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
> > > underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
> > > cats and other small animals (mice,
> > > bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and
> > > sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the
> > > saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
> > > >
> > > > There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house..
> > > This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
> > > droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big
> > > posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's
> > > how canopy beds came into existence.
> > > >
> > > > The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
> > > dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that
> > > would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
> > > (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
> > > they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all
> > > start slippi ng outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
> > > entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
> > > >
> > > > (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
> > > >
> > > >In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
> > > always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
> > > things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
> > > meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot
> > > to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
> > > had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the
> > > rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot
> > > nine days old..
> > > >
> > > > Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
> > > > special.
> > > When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
> > > It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They
> > > would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
> > > and chew the fat..
> > > >
> > > Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
> > > content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
> > > poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
> > > next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
> > > >
> > > Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
> > > the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
> > > upper crust.
> > > >
> > > Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
> > > sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
> > > along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
> > > They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
> > > family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
> > > would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
> > > >
> > > England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
> > > places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
> > > bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
> > > coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
> > > inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
> > > would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> > > coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
> > > have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard
> > > shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell
> > > or was considered a dead ringer..
> > > >
> > > > And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

PASSPORT TO BEAUTY

The alluring Debbie Drake shows us how to excersize away the pounds while wearing a bullet bra.

"CHILDRENS DO LEARN"

WHEN WILL YOU? As if you needed more proof that our president was a moron:

VIA HUFFPO:

The No Child Left Behind Act is working," Bush said with first lady Laura Bush, Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, New York Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg (I) and School Chancellor Joel Klein at his side. "I say that because the nation's report card says it's working. Scores are improving, in some instances hitting all-time highs."

(BUNNY NOTE: 1/2 of black and latino kids do not finish high school.)

A few moments later, he added, "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." The official White House transcript later corrected the statement to "children."

MORE: HUFFPO

DEAR STABBY

BILL MAHER: OJ SIMPSON MUST GO TO IRAQ

VINTAGE BARBRA COLLAGE

STUNNING LOOKS GALORE!

BUSH SUCKS--LITERALLY?

DID THIS WOMAN USE WEAPONS OF MASS DICK-THRUSTING ON OUR DEAR PRESIDENT?



Did you read about the Florida college paper which lost tens of thousands of dollars in advertising after they printed FUCK BUSH on the cover of their rag? Good thing I have no advertisers to shut me down! And at this rate I'll never get any! So I'll freely print these scandalous allegations from a former hooker who claims to have procured a hooker for 3-ways with Dubya and her. Now we know that Jeff Gannon, who posed as a reporter for a consersative news agency which never really existed--he were just positioned at press conferences to ask the idiot president easy questions--while running an ad as a military-themed escort in DC. Jeff was given hundreds of passes to the white house during Bush's early years, and only a few were for official business. That hooker was carrying on with somebody in that White House, dammit! We know that Rove was rumored to attend a hotel orgy during DC's gay leather weekend, so I've always suspected that he was Gannon's butt boy. Maybe Gannon will talk one day.

"REPORTER" JEFF GANNON. THE FAG RAG WASHINGTON BLADE ACTUALLY HIRED HIM AFTER HE WAS BOUNCED FROM CAPITOL HILL!



But there was also that recent incident a year or so ago when Laura Bush was so angry at Bush that she moved into a hotel. Tabloids were abuzz with the rumors that Lady Laura left in a huff over George's supposed romance with Condi. Now I do recall a black woman who claimed that she'd had regular "relations" with Bush before he was president. After going public, she was mysteriously eraced. It does seem odd that he would want to fuck black people. Fuck them by turning back the clock on civil rights--now that's different.



Anyhoo, it's made my day to imagine Bush getting plunged by a hooker with a dildo. And it will make my year if Dubya gets the jail time it deserves, where that thing can get all the backdoor action it can handle!

From the upcoming memoirs of Leola McConnell, LUSTFUL UTTERANCES.


"In 1984 I watched George W. Bush enthusiastically and expertly perform a homosexual act on another man, one Victor Ashe," said McConnell.

"Ashe is the current U.S. ambassador to Poland; and he too should come out, like former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevy, and admit to being a gay American."

(BUNNY NOTE: WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD FIND SOMEONE TO BLACKMAIL ASHE BEFORE BUSH BUMPS HIM OFF!)

"Other homo-erotic acts were also performed by then-private citizen George W. Bush. I know this because I performed one of them on him myself."

(BUNNY NOTE: BUT THE AUTHOR IS A WOMAN. IF YOU'RE GONNA SPILL IT, SPILL IT ALL! HOW WHAT HOMO-EROTIC ACT CAN A WOMAN PERFORM ON A MAN--Buck Angel excluded--BUTT-FUCK HIM WITH A DILDO?)

THERE'S MORE! SUPPOSEDLY, IF PRISONPLANET.COM IS TO BE BELIEVED:

"Bush is a regular attendee at the the all-male Bohemian Grove club, an annual gathering of the elite which takes place at a forest encampment in Monte Rio, California. In 2004, the New York Post reported that homosexual porn stars were being hired by the Grove to "service" the members, supposedly without their knowledge."

MORE HERE: PRISONPLANET.COM

SWEDISH TV HOST PROJECTILE VOMITS ON AIR!

BREITBART.TV

HEE HEE!

HALLOWE'EN'S COMING!

This costume is the shit! Guaranteed to wipe out any competition. It actually shoots brown liquid--not included. A tip: slather on one of those really stinky cheeses underneath for added impact.



PURCHASE LINK

THE HAUNTENING

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN GHOSTS FORGET TO PRACTICE

RATED TRIPLE BOO!

CHER AND RAQUEL: I'M A WOMAN

In show-stopping gowns, probably by Bob Mackie. Cream-colored rhinestones? Insane! And Raquel is so womanly that she makes Cher look practiacally like a tomboy. But it is one of my fav Cher wig looks. I miss variety shows. Now the only time you see specialty #'s like this are those rotten awards shows.

HEY! NICE SUNGLASSES!

MEET MY SON!

ON YOUR KNEES!

VERY FUNNY, BITCHY SITE!

CELEBRITYPRAYERLIST.COM

GET-ONBOARD-GIRLFRIEND

NEW GAY-THEMED FLIGHTS! BECAUSE YOU WANT TO EAT, SLEEP, BREATHE AND WATCH EVERYTHING GAY, GAY GAY ALL THE TIME! CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LINE FOR THE TOILET? I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE HORRID THAN A BUNCH OF GIGGLING MARYS SCREECHING "YOU GO, GIRL!" BETWEEN SIPS OF RAINBOW UMBRELLA DRINKS ALL THE WAY TO FUCKING AUSTRALIA!

FROM USA TODAY:

Gay-themed flight to feature drag queens, flight-crew cabaret By Lisa Leff, Associated Press Writer

SAN FRANCISCO — Air New Zealand is delving into the gay and lesbian market with a special themed flight that will feature drag queens, pink cocktails and a cabaret performed by the flight crew.

The destination for the airline's one-time "Pink Flight," scheduled to depart San Francisco International Airport on Feb. 26, is the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney, Australia, one of the world's most well-attended gay events, said Jodi Williams, an Air New Zealand marketing director.

"We are looking at tailoring the inseat entertainment and having gay-friendly movies and contests and different music and things like that," Williams said. The airline also plans to throw a "Get-Onboard-Girlfriend" going away party for its passengers, who will pay an average of $1,000 roundtrip.

The flight will be modeled after an Auckland-to-Sydney trip Air New Zealand made this year for the gay Mardi Gras, according to Williams. Before that full flight, the crew put on pink feather boas and sang for its couple hundreds passengers, she said. Then the crew butt-fucked them all silly with dildoes, with condoms on them. Just testing you to see if you're reading!

"Even the pilot was wearing fairy wings and got into it," Williams said.

MORE

IT MUST BE EAGLE MAN!

DO I HEAR OSCAR BUZZ?

QUEEN LATIFAH ON GAY MARRIAGE

This is an provocative article. I'm a bit conflicted in my response. On one hand, I'm glad reporters are asking the tough questions and not just kissing a (probably closeted) celeb's ass. On the other hand, I myself wasn't aware that one of the benefits of gay marriage it would illegalize (is that a word?) same-sex domestic abuse. One the imaginary third hand (just imagine that sling and a tub of Crisco!), if they don't rough you up a little, why on earth would you dream of marrying them in the first place? On the fourth hand (more poppers, please!), I think my own views on gay marriage are for different reasons, similar to Queen Latifah's, who seems to be advocating civil unions with out actually naming it. Finally, I find Queen Latifah incredibly appealing.

One thing I'm sure of. I depsise this preachy pass-the-buck-to-Jesus attitude she uses to explain her position on gay marriage:

Queen Latifah: “I don’t think that it should be called marriage. But the idea of it is the same, and you should have the same quality of rights that a married person has. People think of marriage as something that is between a man and a woman, because it was created by God. Well, let God handle the judgment, too. You stay out of it,” Latifah said.

(SNAP!)

Author Daniel Kusner: But God isn’t the one passing constitutional amendments banning gay marriage.

(LOUDER DOUBLE SNAP!)

Good point, Daniel! Queen's relying on god to avoid formulating her own opinion. As so many do. And their view of god's word is tainted by whoever's interpretation of the Bible they prefer. I saw a pathetic t-shirt yesterday of gunned-down rapper Tupac Shakur with the words "Only God Can Judge Me." In Tupac's case, this translates to "Don't ever criticize me. I'll do whatever I want and god can judge me when I die." Well, Tupac darlin', if you were right your thugged out ass is blazing in hell right now.

(Tired segway approaching.) In this article from the SOUTHERN VOICE, a gay magazine from Dallas, Kusner holds Queen's feet to the fire with a series of hard-hitting questions and you get the whole transcript and background. Plus, Daniel writes beautifully and if any state ever needed a liberal journalist, it's Texas. Here's a teaser:

QUEEN OF IGNORANCE? By Daniel A. Kusner



Latifah recently made some bigoted comments about gay marriage. (BUNNY NOTE: Are they really "bigoted' just because you don't agree with her?)

And she’s coming to Dallas to raise money for a domestic abuse foundation.

Doesn’t she realize that prohibiting gay marriage can threaten laws that protect same-gender domestic violence?


It’s been five days, and Queen Latifah still hasn’t called the Dallas Voice offices. But her publicists have — not that they’re talking about scheduling a follow-up interview.

Her handlers are shitting bricks because of two questions Dallas Voice posed to Latifah regarding an interview in the September 2007 issue of Glamour magazine, which features her royal highness on the cover.

Not only is Latifah an undeniable super talent, Latifah is a Cover Girl spokesperson who has revolutionized cultural perceptions. She’s a big-boned ebony seductress who vacillates between butch and glam while every entertainment industry kisses her luscious ass: music, movies, fashion.

And she’s a lesbian icon — who’s as out as Jodie Foster.

Interviewers who ask Queen Latifah if she’s gay always get the same answer: that her personal life is personal. Latifah also says questions about her sexuality are “insulting.”

If rumors are billowing around Queen Latifah, she’s helped fan the flames.

In “Chicago,” Latifah’s turn as a lesbian warden was so convincing that she got an Oscar nod. And at the “Hairspray” premiere, Latifah’s red-carpet date was Jeanette Jenkins, her longtime personal trainer.

Latifah’s rattled closet is addressed in the Glamour interview: In it, she said the rumors are trying to “bring her down.” But that’s not all.

“The gay thing hasn’t messed up my appeal to the gentlemen, because I have never had any problems meeting men. Maybe they get turned on by the idea of that!” Latifah said.

READ THE REST

MEET THE CASTING DIRECTORS

CHRIS CROCKER'S "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE" RANT JUST KEEPS ON GIVING!

JUST TAKING THE PISS!

NEW CATHOLIC CHURCH SEX SCANDAL!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of

highway when he notices a

sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:



SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES



He thinks this is a figment of his imagination

and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which

reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES



Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and

drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT



His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls

into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building

with a small sign next to the door reading:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun

in a long black habit who asks,



"What may we do for you my son?"



He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway

and was interested in possibly doing business...."



"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led

through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The

nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."



He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers

the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through

the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."



He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the

hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.



The door locks, and he finds himself back in the

parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

DON'T TELL PETA!

SHE'S A REAL KNOCK-OUT!

MORE PIX: BOXER OSCAR DEL LA HOYA IN DRAG!

CAROL CHANNING AS THE WHITE QUEEN

SINGING "ADDITION" FROM THE 1985 TV VERSION OF "ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS." ANN JILLIAN AS THE RED QUEEN.

WARNING: EXTREMELY FRIGHTENING

CAROL CHANNING ON JOAN CRAWFORD'S WEDDING

HAIL THE NEW PURITAN SCREENING

A NOTE FROM THE DIRECTOR/VIDEOGRAPHER, CHARLIE ATLAS.

I'm having a screening in NY on September 19 at 6:30pm at EAI 535 West 22nd Street, 5fl., NYC . And it's free. http://www.eai.org/eai/09_07_atlas_pr.html. I will be showing a recently restored copy of "Hail the New Puritan" (1985-6), (I haven't seen it look so good since I first made it). I will also be showing excerpts from my recent "Instant Fame" installation in London, and from my live collaborations with Fennesz, and Antony and the Johnsons. Then I will answer all of your questions (well, most). I know most of you have seen the Michael Clark film, but if you know people who haven't -- spread the word.



TOMORROW--AND FREE!
MORE INFO:

Hail the New Puritan

Charles Atlas

1985-86, 84:47 min, color, sound


Exhuberant and witty, Hail the New Puritan is a simulated day-in-the-life "docufantasy" starring the British dance celebrity Michael Clark. Atlas' fictive portrait of the charismatic choreographer serves as a vivid invocation of the studied decadence of the 1980s post-punk London subculture. Contriving a faux cinema-verite format in which to stage his stylized fiction, Atlas seamlessly integrates Clark's extraordinary dance performances into the docu-narrative flow. Focusing on Clark's flamboyantly postured eroticism and the artifice of his provocative balletic performances, Atlas posits the dance as a physical manifestation of Clark's psychology. From the surreal opening dream sequence to the final solo dance, Clark's milieu of fashion, clubs and music signifies for Atlas "a time capsule of a certain period and context in London that's now gone."

Director/Editor: Charles Atlas. Choreography: Michael Clark. Dancers: Gaby Agis, Leslie Bryant, Michael Clark, Matthew Hawkins, Julie Hood, Ellen van Schuylenburch. Music: Glenn Branca, The Fall, Bruce Gilbert, Jeffrey Hinton. Camera: John Simmons. Producer: Jolyon Wimhurst.

"THEY MAKE FROGS SMOKE 'UNTIL THEY EXPLODED"

VERY UNUSUAL VIDEO FOR A VERY UNUSUAL SONG.

"AS WATCH YOU WALK AWAY"

WANDA WISDOM LIP-SYNCHS TOT HE MARTHA SMITH CLASSIC TEAR-JERKER. She's now so thin that she's starting to look a little like Jacqueline Suzanne!

SPEAK OUT NOW OR FOREVER GET TASERED

Good thing we don't live in a police state! All this UF student did was ask why Kerry didn't challenge the last presidential election results. That's a great question! And nobody helped him! A few cheers, but c'mon!



WATCH THE VIDEO

NEW JOHN BARTLETT STORE

TALK ABOUT SERVICE WITH A SMILE! THIS HUNK WANTS TO SIZE YOU UP AND "FIT" YOU! I KNOW YOU GUYS LIKE YOUR LAYERED LOOKS FOR FALL!



That's menswear designer John Bartlett outside of his brand new General Store, which capped off Fashion week this Saturday when it opened at 143 7th Ave South, between 10th and Charles Streets. I bumped into him outside (on my crack run) and he joked that they have excellent security, thanks to the tranny club next door! It was so fun snapping a few pix of him--he was like a Preppy Ken doll to play with and pose here and there. Some very snazzy menswear, too! I'm not sure that John would approve of the word "snazzy" for his conceptual creations, but of course I picked two of the bolder designs. But feel free to check them out for yourselves at his site, JOHNBARTLETTNY.COM.





Now that home furnishings guru Jonathon Adler has set up shop around the corner and former Chelsea fixture Roberto Novo has relocated his salon to Christopher St., is Greenwich Village possibly becoming gay again?

BOO HOO!

'70'S GAME SHOW STAR IS GONE! I'M STILL REELING FROM CHARLES NELSON REILLY'S PASSING!



WESTPORT, Conn. (AP) -- The son of actress and comedienne Brett Somers says she has died in Westport of stomach and colon cancer. She was 83.

Somers' son, Adam Klugman, says she died Saturday at her home. She was best known for her appearances on the ''Match Game'' in the 1970s.

She married actor Jack Klugman, star of the television shows ''Quincy'' and ''The Odd Couple,'' in 1953. The two separated in 1974, but never divorced. Somers appeared on several episodes of ''The Odd Couple,'' playing the ex-wife of Klugman's character.

Later in her career, she appeared in a cabaret show, ''An Evening with Brett Somers.''
She was born in Canada and grew up in Maine.

AMEN, SALLY!

FIELD'S ANTI-WAR STATEMENT CENSORED!



Of course, CNN reported that she was censored for profanity because she used "god damn". She went on to say that she probably shouldn't have included "god", but I just love that this cursed president can even drive the Flying Nun to use swear! Sing out, sister!

FROM THE LA TIMES:


Producers of Sunday's Emmy telecast bleeped best drama actress winner Sally Field in the midst of a controversial acceptance speech attacking U.S. involvement in Iraq.

"If mothers ruled the world, there wouldn't be any god -" she said when the sound went dead and the camera suddenly turned away from the stage so viewers would be distracted. Chopped off were the words "god-damned wars in the first place." (The phrase was not censored in the Canadian telecast.)

"This belongs to all the mothers of the world - may they be seen and valued," she added when she won best actress in a drama series for her work as matriarch Nora Walker on "Brothers & Sisters." While the two-time Oscar winner already has two Emmys, this was her first nomination for series work, and she bested a field that included favorite Edie Falco of "The Sopranos."

Backstage, in the press room later, Field told reporters, "I would have liked to have said more four-letter words up there!

"Oh, well. I've been there before!" Field added when asked what she thought of the gagging. "Good. I don't care. I have no comment other than, 'Oh, well.' I said what I wanted to say. I wanted to pay homage to the mothers of the world. And I very, very seriously think that if mothers ruled the world we wouldn't be sending our children off to be slaughtered."


MORE LATIMES

WATCH SALLY UNCENSORED (AS SHE APPEARED IN CANADA.)

LARRY CRAIG ART

THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES

YOU CAN'T STOP THE BEAT! JACKIE'S LATEST RANT!



BY JACKIE BEAT--SHE'S ON A TEAR AND SHE'S FUCKING FANTASTIC!

THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!

Pop artist Andy Warhol was the gay Nostradamus. When he first uttered his eerily prophetic and often misquoted prediction, “In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes” way back in 1967, little did he know the awful truth spilling from his pasty pursed lips.

It’s 40 years later and thanks to MySpace,YouTube and reality TV, Mr. Warhol’s seemingly ridiculous vision of the future has come true. We now have amazing performers like MySpace fame junkie Jeffree Star. Hey, if you can’t actually earn the title of “Star” through talent and hard work then just make it your last name, right? We also have self-proclaimed “Queen of all Media” Perez Hilton who has always been nice to me, but needs to be reminded of the timeless warning: “Live by the sword, die by the sword.” Grade school playground translation? “If you’re gonna’ dish it out, you’d better be able to take it!” My problem with Perez (other than the fact that his pen name is based on that of another person who ironically is simply famous for being famous) is this: There was a time when writing -- yes, even mere gossip -- was an art form. People like Louella Parsons, Hedda Hopper and Rona Barrett could sit down at their Smith-Corona typewriter and weave a web of words that would wow ya’! Now, I realize the world has changed, but simply adding poorly-drawn dicks shooting semen on famous faces is not my idea of creativity -- especially after the 1500th fucking time. It’s so Punk Lite. No intelligence, no wit, no irony. The real problem is that it’s very plain to see that Perez actually wants to be liked and accepted AND as famous as the people he’s skewering. The rebellious outsider is in reality the ultimate wannabe. And don’t even get me started on gossip monger Ted Casablanca, who’s indecipherable maze-within-a-labrynth ramblings make absolutely no sense at all. I can’t think of anything sadder than being a writer who can’t write. Except maybe being a singer who can’t sing, but let’s leave Madonna out of this.



The annoying thing about writing this column is that, thanks to the internet, by the time this hits the streets just about everything is old news. Which brings us to YouTube attention whore Chris Crocker of “Leave Britney Alone!” infamy. How appropriate that Chris has the word CROCK right in his name, since he didn’t actually shed a single real tear in his embarrassing temper tantrum. I wear eye makeup people, and I know what it looks like when you’re bawling. When I complained online that Chris Crocker was nothing but an annoying piece of whining shit who has single-handedly sent the gay rights movement back 20 years, one person replied, “Yeah, but he’s famous! I just saw him on E!” Honey, Hitler was famous. He was also a monster. Elizabeth Short (aka The Black Dahlia), Jon Benet Ramsey and Lacy Peterson are all famous -- for being dead! Fame is not the end-all. Fame does not mean you have a valid point or an interesting opinion or a single drop of talent. It simply means that there are literally THOUSANDS of TV channels and websites and they’re all desperately scrambling for content. You’ve heard the phrase “The squeaky wheel gets the oil?” Well, when it comes to the media, “The freaky wheel gets the coverage.” And while we’re sort of on the subject of Britney Spears let me just say this: Everybody thinks her downfall is so tragic. Listen, when someone like Amy Winehouse goes off the rails it’s tragic. Why? Because the bitch has talent! Why is everyone so upset about Britney’s train wreck of a comeback on MTV? “Omigod, look at her! After giving birth to 2 kids she’s gained like a whopping 8 pounds! And she just can’t lip sync as well as she used to!” Give me a break. Sadly Chris Crocker suffers from the same disease as poor Brit: An addiction to attention, good or bad.

So what do Jeffree Star, Perez Hilton and Chris Crocker all have in common? They use Shock Value to garner attention. Just look at me -- I am very familiar with this tactic. No, I am not above it. I love to shock people, but trust me, it’s getting harder and harder to do it. The only problem with Shock Value is that it results in every head in the room (or the country, or the world!) turning your way. And then they’re all looking at you. Waiting. So, do you have anything to say? Can you say it in an entertaining way? Can you sing, act, dance, write or actually DO anything? Uh oh. Now what? Uh, just keep smiling, flip your brightly-colored hair and say something stupid.

Do I sound bitter? I am. After all, I moved here to write for TV and film and while my Writer’s Guild membership has essentially atrophied due to lack of exercise, the powers that be in Hollywood have turned a fucking Geiko commercial into a sitcom and there are rumors that Jessica Simpson may star in a remake of “Private Benjamin.” Bitter? Oh yeah. I get real bitter as I watch Fred Goldman on Oprah trying to justify why he is now backing OJ Simpson’s disgusting new book “If I Did It.” Stop and really think about it. If your wife -- the mother of your children -- was practically decapitated just outside of the home in which those very children were sleeping -- could you write a whole book “pretending” that you did it? Even if you didn’t do it? Which he fucking did! And please tell me who the hell are all these dumb fame-drunk star-fucking Nicole Brown lookalikes who continue to date him? Bitter? You bet your waxed ass I’m bitter!

MORE JACKIE ON HER MYSPACE PAGE: JACKIEBEAT RULES

HEATHERETTE'S SPRING 2008 RUNWAY SHOW

On the day of the show, I had a job offer to do some music consultation for a retail chain whose closest location to Manhattan is at the mall in Paramus, NJ. So they sent a car service at 9:30 am and I was off! When I arrived at 10:30 the mall was completely empty, except for the employees, some of whom are the most gorgeous Italian and hispanic clean clut, plucked-eye brow Jersey beef imaginable. The down side was that since other customers were slim pickin's, every one of the girls/guys manning the small booths in the middle of the aisle which sell anything from handcream to portable steamers to waterjet massages, would leap out at me with a cheery, "Can I ask you a question?" My father, always the grammatical whiz would have replied "You can, but you may not." (In case you aren't a grammatical whiz, the implication is that you can as in are able to ask, but no, I will not allow it. See why I'm on anti-depressants?) I wanted to shriek "Can you ask me a question? That is a fucking question!"

I was totally out of my element and haven't hung out in malls for years. Paramus is so huge that you get lost instantly and it could have served as quite a workout had my "routine" not been punctuated by stops at fast food joints! Anyway, I saw a couple of things which interested me. Don't these undies look stuffed? I mean like the kind of plumped up crotch you'd expect to see in a male slut-wear shop on Christopher Street back in the day. These are from Armani. The mannequins' basquets are actually formed a little to look like a little peanut dick atop a big old sack of bull balls. Maybe they were made in Ireland--you know, all potatoes and no meat?





I was also glad to see that Timbaland's window featured an eye-catching recycling theme. Hey, as long as people are sorting their trash, I don't care if they're doing because they think it's fashionable or not. Most of my tricks aren't even aware of the fact that I have two different trash cans in my home--my mouth and my asshole. That was a joke! (You're all wondering...Why did Bunny leave out her cunt? Aren't you guys sweet!) So my gentlemen callers usually just toss their recyclables--ie Schlitz cans, empty poppers bottles and broken glass pipes--into the same rubbish bin! It enfuriates me. As former Manhattan Borough President Ruth Messinger once read from a proclamation at Wigstock: "Bunny's wardrobe clearly shows her commitment to recycling." Wardrobe? Have you seen my new act? You never will!

What on earth does any of this babble have to do with Heathenette? Well, I received a call from my partner in crime, Dirty Diana of Houston and Los Angeles, letting me know that the show started 5:00 rather than 9:00. In a panic, I dashed back to Manhattan wondering which of my recycled frocks I could throw on for the show, and of course the paparazzi. I couldn't miss this show. Not only had I not been admitted to the last, somewhat disorganized show--giving up a front row seat next to THE Miss Piggy!--but in the back of my mind I was thinking "I need to support Richie Rich", 1/2 of the design team. He's a pal back from Disco 2000 days and is truly one of the sweetest and most upbeat personalities to emerge from the scene. He's also supported me by popping by Disco Tea at Splash, Wigstock, whatever I've done, really.

So I hurried home, selected a cartoon-y print with matching beret and hopped in a cab which got so bogged down in traffic that I had to jump out in midtown and walk 7 blocks. (The good news is that I was actually contacted by a potential internet sex contact who I'd been emailing. He called that night to reaffirm his interest after seeing me in the flesh--despite the fact that there is so much more flesh now than in the 5 year old heavily airbrushed studio portaits I'd shemailed him! What a freakish coincidence! The guy lives in Long Island and just happened to be on a streetcorner the moment I rushed by. God works in mysterious ways and I feel certain that this is a sign from Him Above to suck this guy off this weekend. I'll get down on my knees and thank him before devouring this. Thank you sweet Jesus for creating black donkey dicks which rise up with all God's Splendor at the thought of the stubbly mouth of a mature transvestite showgirl gobbling them greedily.



When I arrived at Gotham Hall, the line was already clean around the corner. Damn! Those must be some mighty good hot dogs!



THE GENIUS GENETICALLY FEMALE DRAG QUEEN LADYFAG, ONE OF MY FAV NEWCOMERS ON THE SCENE



The venue was immense and I had to laugh at my pitiful attempt to support a friend's work. Honey, they don't need your busted old booger ass for support! Heatherette is now officially HUGE! I guess I don't frequent any of the stores which stock their merchandise, and I've never seen any of their line at Lane Bryant. I had no clue!

THE GRANDNESS THAT IS GOTHAM HALL, THE VENUE FOR HEATHERETTE SPRING 2008



Natch, I was late and popped around backstage and caught this gorgeous shot of these incredible looks on these scintillating models. White grecian minis on black girls with 1960's pom-pom ponytails? HEAVENLY! Admit you love it now or die!





That was only a hint of what to come. I bumped into Miss J. Alexander, the judge from AMERICA'S TOP MODEL and since we'd had such a kiki when we travelled on the same flight to Savannah a few months ago, we agreed to sit together. How goofed was I when Jay pulled out the most genious accessory ever: A BLINGED-OUT JAR OF VASELINE! (Tyra gave them out on her show as her favorite beauty secret. It's my favorite lube. I guess that makes two assholes who swear by it!)





Although I'm not the biggest fan of all of his music, I did squeal when I saw P. Diddy. He does radiant power. And doesn't he look more handsome when he smiles? It really lights up his whole face and he looks really appealing. He should smile more. It's important to remain cheery while ditching your gun on the highway after a shoot-out in a club with J-Lo, smacking your bitch down on a boat in Monaco, etc. But for hip-hop mentality, you have to look mean, which explains his normal toothpick hanging out of an open mouth expression. The mouth open is actually more dumb than mean, but I guess it sort of signals "I'm dumb so I might REALLY hurt or shoot you if you mess with me." Hey, that's why the idiots in this country "elected" George Bush twice. "He may be dumb, but he's ready to fight. Too dumb to know which country to retaliate against, but he won't sit back and let us take another hit like 9/11 sitting down." Oh but wait, he WAS sitting down in a schoolroom reaing MY PET GOAT on 9/11. I'm so glad they didn't have any pesky old bombings like 9/11 to cancel Fashion Week again.

SINGER/SONGWRITER /COCKSUCKER TOBELL VON CARTIER IN THE HOUSE



A SEXY FACE IN THE CROWD





Speaking of dumb, the show started with a bang. Lil Mama performing her rap smash LIP GLOSS. It's hard for a drag queen not to like a song about cosmetics, but this "song" features a hook of:

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know


Isn't this kind of like that dreadful "You must not know 'bout me" from Beyonce's IRREPLACEABLE? I'm glad to see that some hip-hop records are embracing knowledge as opposed to violence, misogyny and homophobia. Oh, and luxury brands like Louis Vitton and Moet. The writer of LIP GLOSS couldn't even think of anything more luxurious than L'Oreal. More lyrics.

They say my lip gloss is poppin
My lip gloss is cool
All the boys be jockin
They chase me after school

Mac Mac, Loreal yep cause I'm worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway they cant say nothin
Oh oh oh my lips so luscious
The way I spice it up with the Mac Mac brushes
Loreal got them most watermelon crushes
That's probably the reason all these boys got crushes

I'm just over the hill! It's no longer possible for me to relate to today's pop music if it's all about lockers and lip gloss at lunchtime. A curious dilemna for a "dj". But when the song's popularity forces me to play this shit, please feel free to come and laugh right in my fucking face. More lyrics:

When its time for lunch my lips still rock
Lil mama melon with the hot pink top
Cherry, vanilla, flavors its a virtue
They, lovin, lip gloss universal
The boys really like it
The girls don't speak
They rolling they eyes
They lip gloss cheap
It ain't my fault
But I could upgrade you
Show you how to use nice things
with nice flavors

Well now that's sweet of her to offer to help out the other schoolgirls with her superior taste in maquillage. But I think Lil Mama could use a lesson in grammar from my daddy. This song is so ig'nunt that Shirley Q. Liquor could add it to her act as is.



Lil Mama was featured in this outfit in last week's Star magazine, in which I write "fashion" comments weekly. I often like the outfits, but the Worst Of The Week doesn't want praise. My comment fav comment for her was "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it--except her!" But they went with my "This look should've never left her crib." I suppose references to 25 year old margarine commercials are a little too old fat--I mean old hat for the Star's average reader. Get it? That was a play on words with margarine and fat and old ha--never mind.

The show did start with a bang, and for teenagers who require nothing but the latest beat to whip themselves into the same frenzy which TURNING JAPANESE used to send me into, LIP GLOSS did the trick. And Heatherette is marketed to a younger, trendier crowd so it was a perfect choice. Whatever I feel about the lyrics, Lil Mama and her dancers put on a helluva show. Their youthful exuberance sent the audience's energy through the roof. Check out the face on this one--I know it's a blurry pic--but it's so full of sass that I love it.



One dancer stood out with his gorgeous face. I was so captivated that I'm sure people were wondering while I was snapping away at the back-up dancer. And drooling. While twiddling my nipples. And jacking off...Miss J.'s cock...with a rhinestoned poppers bottle...while mouthing "I'm sorry, Jon Benet," repeatedly.



But what a bizarre combo to see P. Diddy, dandy Patrick McDonald in a spiked helmet and high fashion
club kid Kenny Kenny's lace cloche lined up as the very latest fashions whirled by.

I saw a lot of red, white and blue--not navy--but a bright blue. I remember this color combo fondly from the '70's, along with this mega-ill sock and wedge heel treatment. Lot's of really sick shoes! (And yes, I'm aware that my pix aren't all that. But the models were moving targets!)





I caught a close-up of Amanda Lepore's footwear and joked with her that "I know you didn't choose those shoes." She's a classic, stilleto-wearing sex-pot and she laughed and said "No, I didn't." I actually kicked off fashion week by bumping into Miss Lepore at the wig store on 14th St. She normally likes to add falls to her own hair and they have to match. So when she has roots, she actually adds self-tanner to the platinum wigs so the colors synch up. Who'd have thunk it? That's dedication for you!

I snapped this shot of the shoes being carted away backstage. Really cuckoo but fab!



BUT BACK TO THE CLOTHES! I loved this frothy chiffon creation. I wouldn't wear it with a baseball cap, but the colors of lovely. It matches my teeth--both of 'em! (Ba-dum-pum!)



Vocal impressionist extraordinaire Jimmy James was in the crowd. He seemed literally unhinged at the teeny size of the models as he fondled his chins, perplexed.



This gown was a sparkly knock-out with long black sequinned strips dangling beneath the mini.



THE CROWD WENT NUTS FOR THIS FAMOUS MODEL. ANYONE KNOW HER NAME? LOVE HER SQUARE FACE!



NOT A MODERN-DAY TAKE ON THE PHRYGIAN BONNET FOR MEN! OR IS IT MORE ATTIC HELMET? OR CHALCIDIAN HELMET WITH NO NASAL BAR? I'LL BET YOU HAD NO IDEA I WAS SO SCHOOLED IN ANCIENT HELLENISTIC HEADGEAR!



RICHIE! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME! THIS WAS ONE OF MICHAEL ALIG'S OLD LOOKS FROM DISCO 2000. It was rumored that Michael would be making an appearance. Unfortunately he had a prior engagement. Michael's kind of lost his sense ofstyle, anyway. He's barely changed his look in years! He's lucky that he looks good in stripes!





To me, the menswear was a little iffier, though I loved these plaid shorts--especially since it looks like a whopper is about to pop out of them! I'm so happy that shorts are finally inching above the knee. We've been stuck with those dreadful jams-length shorts for a decade. Another trend, including in this show, that I'm not too thrilled with is the return of camouflage. I don't ask for much political correctness, but is this really the time to promote that war is cool in any way? I saw a lot of camo in England, some of it was so swirly and tripped out (shorts by Stussy) that it suggests anti-establishment acid trip more than combat. But it does look cute with a white bow and empire waist--a silhoutte which I favor heavily. VERY HEAVILY! OINK!



NYMAG.COM remarked in shock that Heatherette had actually designed it's first wearable collection. These draped dresses were chic and the fabric wasn't too outlandish. Perhaps that's what they were referring to.



I still preferred the white on black look.



Porn star Jenna Jameson, Amanda and the designers came out for the finale, Richie on his traditional rollerskates--he got his start as a professional ice-skater in San Fran. Is there anything gayer? I thought Jenna was Posh Spice since they have the same 'do. I'm not exactly a pussy-porn afficionado, so I probably wouldn't recognize her if she were naked with her longer, whorier hair. But everyone was saying she looked deathly thin, for what that's worth.

Backstage, I shot Amanda with one of my myspace friends, who is very beautiful, but who looks like a gorgeous version of Lurch, right?



Two scenesters who date back to the Pyramid Club backstage!



Another familiar and oh so lovely face.



These male models were adorable and their jock friend, left was 7 feet tall. His finger is bigger than most guys penises. Ooh, I'm getting those anal contractions again!



I caught r&b star Maya mopping from the rack!



Maya, flanked by the designers, then hung her head in shame.



It was pandemonium backstage--even George Whipple showed up to interview Richie and Traver! What a night!



And to top it all off, I shared a cab home with Kevin Aviance! An especially rare treat since he's relocated to Minneapolis temporarily to deal with some persistent issues. He'd come in to perform at Rentboy's Hustlaball at HERO a couple nights before. He looked well and was in excellent spirits.



Tomorrow--MARC JACOBS' SHOW AND V MAGAZINE'S EXCLUSIVE SOIREE FOR PHOTOG MARIO TESTINO'S NEW BOOK, LIMA.

I would love some feedback from this post because if you don't like the pix--I'll skip them! It takes ages for my computer illiterate ass to resize and post them and I won't do it if you no likey!