PARIS HILTON'S "RECORD" RELEASE

Tiring of the phenomenal singers who pumped up the rest of Miami Beach's Winter Music Conference, I attended the listening party for Paris Hilton's new record. Oddly enough, the song's name wasn't even mentioned on the invite, though I must admit, the slut looks awfully stylish.



Purdy power-dykes Tracy Young and Madonna's ex/ Miami socialite Ingrid Casares excitedly met us at the door, obviously cofusing me for Paris and both slobbering for my imaginary cunt. Sorry, goils!



Once I freed myself from their wo-manhandling and entered The Fifth, not only was the club not packed (or is that hand-picked and exclusive?), there were but a few paparazzi present, though the do was sponsored by Absolut, Entertainment Weekly and her label, Warner Brothers. Proving without a doubt that Paris-mania is thankfully over, I realized that the poor girl was actually employed by the club to take drink orders! How dreadfully common of her!



Horrified, I WAS at her listening party, so I gave her song a fair chance as she rocked back and forth, remotely on the beat.



Of course, that's not really Paris. It's some whore in a cheap, blonde synthetic wig. No! I mean the one on the left, you assholes!

MY SONG'LL BE BIGGER THAN ALL OF NICOLE RITCHIE'S DAD'S HITS COMBINED!



DJ Tracy Young threw on her mix of the unnamed tune and Paris flailed her arms wanly, but as a credit to Tracy's seamless mixing skills, I couldn't really figure out where Paris's song began. But here's the bad news--it really didn't sound that poor. The vox had heavy effects on them, but it didn't sound any worse than anything recorded by Lindsay Lohan or Hillary Duff. Until I removed my earplugs, anyway.



Though the club wasn't that crowded, everyone jammed in around Paris as she shared the booth with "her favorite" remixers Paul Oakenfeld, Chus and Ceballos and Tracy, as photogs snapped away. Not known for her attention span, Paris lost interest the second a big black dick was shoved towards her mouth. She closed her eyes, parted her lips, and began caressing her nipples to this Christ-loving woman's horror!



Not satisfied with the vulgarity of this shocking display, Paris's designer drugs must have really been kicking in as she quickly clipped on a brunette, mane-like fall and a bridle and climbed into a depraved sling which The Fifth had hung from the ceiling at her request. Bored with her wanton media circus, the small crowd all but vanished.



Okay, so I'm lying. If anyone ever needed to see another picture of Miss Hilton, here's mine.

SO SHE'S NO COLORATURA. BUT SHE HAS AN EXCELLENT COLORIST.



"COULD YOU LIKE TELL THEM TO TURN THIS AWFUL MUSIC DOWN? WHAT'S THAT? YOU MEAN IT'S MY SONG PLAYING?"



I don't need to demonstrate to anyone that Tyson Beckford is gorgeous, but please explain this look to me. Why would he want to pose with a facial expression which reads "I'm mean, I'm scary, I'm a hostile animal. And I don't want to let a fat drag queen blow me."



The Williams Sisters, Hulk Hogan's singing brat, and the recent Academy Award-winning rappers whose name I don't want to recall were present. But only sweet Kelly Rowland would pose with Elaine and me.



Now you know the real reason Destiny's Child is breaking up--Kelly has joined two other no-talents who can't sing to form an all-new group! But here's the big switcheroo: her two new bandmates are older and uglier than her so this time SHE, not Beyotchze, can play Diane Ross!

(Someone please teach me to erace chins in photoshop!)

Kelly found Elaine quite fascinating..the size of her foot, anyway.



Madonna's bother (sic!) Christopher Ciccone, who I've always had a blast in the past with and even roomed with in P'town, was awfully sour. Since I'm not an expert lenswoman, I try to take a lot of shots since I never know how they're gonna turn out. After maybe 4 I took of him, he snatched my camera, refused to return it and then arrogantly placed it on the ground! I guess he was on the wrong combo of whatever. He explained that he was camera shy since he knew he didn't look good. He looked fine to me. But out of respect for him, I won't post any of his pix here. And Christopher, let it hereby be publicly known that I was never attracted to you for your looks anyway. You used to have a fun personality. With that plainly gone, seeing as how I don't give a fuck about your rotten sister and I'm unlikely to be hiring you or anyone else to interior decorate my one-room sty, you can go fuck yourself! Did you ever think of asking me not to take your picture before slapping my new camera on the ground in a club? Some grimy, diseased gunk could have gotten on it--the ritzy club's floor, I mean.

Thankfully, there was plenty of other eye candy. This hunk on the left was certainly looking sexy and I don't even like blondes! His boyfriend (left) is Colombian sweetheart Ricky whose hair is prematurely white. OK, so it's not premature! I'm kidding, and I think Ricky's one of the nicest and sexiest guys on earth and I'd gladly be his Lucy any day!



ROTTEN RICKY STEALING MY FAVORITE POSE!




Bo Beasley from TRL is a hoot and a half, and he escorted Elaine and I to the swanky powder room where a make-up artist/hair stylist was on hand! I twiddled the Cuban cutie's nipples as he whipped up my mange.

This stud is named Granville and came all the way from Canada for the conference. He emailed me on myspace to ask if the picture came out well. As if this bastard's ever taken a bad one!



Check out his music on his www.myspace.com/granville and don't worry, there's more pix of him, too!

RANDI ON LARRY

At 9:00 Eastern time, Randi Rhodes is on CNN's Larry King tonight, right after Bill CLinton. If you ain't never seen her live--actually, I've never SEEN her, only heard her on AIR AMERICA--this is MUST SEE TV! Take it from a musty TV! Watch this firebrand tonight!

Actually, the ever resourceful Jordy has posted a clip of this dynamo on his site and will put the full clip up tomorrow. Watch her shut the other guests down. The waxy republican bitch from Gainesville gagged! Tee hee!

VIRTUALMATTER

AUTO-SEX CHANGE

Fugitive severs his own penis and then throws it at the cops who are chasing him! What'll they think of next? Apparently he was distraught over problems with his girlfriend in Poland. I don't know if Fik is a Polish name, but wouldn't it be smarter to have a girlfriend on the same continent as you?

SUNTIMES

AMANDA LEPORE SELLS OUT!

Her doll, that is. Congratulations, whore! The market for this could be huge--with a new doll to correspond with each new facial surgery? And she has a new reality show in the works. I hope it captures her on the treadmill in high heels at David Barton gym, which I still can't believe actually happens.

MANHATTANOFFENDER

AMANDA'S EXQUISITE HOLOGRAPHIC SLING-BACKS (NEXT TO RICHIE RICH'S TRADEMARK ROLLERSKATES) AT THE RECENT MIAMI HEATHERETTE FASHION SHOW.



And girl, couldja please recommend what very effective heel exfoliator you're using? And while you're at it, a plastic surgeon? No, not your surgeon. A GOOD one! Oink! Oink!

NO STRAIGHT LEFT BEHIND

My e-friend Robert of the blog PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK has a novel idea which might improve the quality of gay films.

PROCEEDATYOUROWNRISK

NEVER PISS OFF YOUR...

...PLASTIC SURGEON!

MADDOW VS TUCKER

AIR AMERICA host debates right-winger Tucker Carlson on his MSNBC chat show and politely lets him have it!

WATCH: VIRTUALMATTER

CATCHING UP

I've been "working" at a whirlwind of parties for 2 weeks including DIFFA's Dining by Design in NYC, a dj gig in Atlanta attended by my almost too fun mom Lady Becky, a whole week in Mijami, Florida including cuban gods, drag queens galore and the Winter Music conference crew--including the Paris Hilton (yikes!) record release party. All with my trusty camera. I haven't had i'net access so I've got a lot of uploading to do. But I'm just going to start backwards from last night and give it all to ya!

Tuesday was insane. I know I bitch and moan about CNN yet I'm constantly glued to it. Well, not for the last two weeks on the road I haven't been. But now my vacation starts and woo hoo! the TV comes on! And just what is CNN featuring? A 15 minute interview with Adrienne Barbeau! I recall having a mild fascination with the sexpot who played Maude's daughter, and I'm glad she has a role on Broadway in that new Judy Garland play which the NY Times gave an awful review--though the clips from it indicated that she plainly hasn't got the chops to play that fag hag supreme--but wait a minute! Did she ever have the chops for anything? Did she even have the fucking chops to assay the role of the romantic lead in SWAMP THING, for chrissakes? No offense, Adrienne, and maybe I'm remembering it a little wrong cuz I was a little on the young side (don't laugh--I was!) at the height of your popularity, but did you ever have anything but a big set of knockers and a great agent? She was sitting there grandly discussing her career, even saying that her performance as Rizzo in the original GREASE fooled some credible actor into thinking she wasn't an actress at all, but some street chick. And you believed them? The soundbite of your singing, which just thrilled the badly calico-highlighted anchor Kyra Phillips sounded like Broadway 101 to me. (You can listen to it on Adrienne's site and judge for yourself at www.adriennebarbeau.com.) But let's just imagine I'm wrong and that SWAMP THING rivals Shakespeare--a 15 minute Q & A for some T & A whose 15 minutes of fame were over more than 15 years ago??? Maybe on an entertainment show but NOT on the goddam news! On a day when a memo is uncovered which proves Bush had always intended to declare war on Iraq, with or without the presence of WMDs? (http://news.nationaljournal.com/articles/0330nj1.htm ) On CNN, Adrienne Barbeau's first stage role in 15 years (and a well-timed book release) easily trumps that. You know what? Adrienne seemed charming and sweet. A little grand considering her body of work was really just a body....

So why don't I just turn off CNN? It's a train wreck I can't avert my eyes from. It's the propaganda machine at work and I feel obligated to dissect how it works. We all do, so that we aren't ever in the same sinking boat that we're in now, in an impossible to win unpopular war with a man we voted in because why?--he had the bigger and better propaganda machine/ election swindles. Did you hear about the trial of the phone company which was alledgely hired by Republicans to jam democratic headquarters phone lines during the last election? Only for a second on CNN, cuz the programmers had to clear plenty of time for the nation to hear Adrienne crowing in a thirty-year old musical.

Another thing CNN was buzzing about as Bush's trip to Mexico. Let me clear this up once and for all. If you go to the site of a problem and spout the same garbage you've been spouting at home, IT ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING! From Bush to Condi, This administration has made more state visits and surprise drop-ins than any I recall, and they are nothing but photo ops which amount to zilch. Of course, the surprises do help cut down on the massive "Bush is the world's greatest terrorist" welcome wagons like the one which met him in India recently."

TURN OFF THE TV AND ENJOY YOUR VACATION, WHORE!



Miami's a perfect place to be on the Atkins diet due to the abundance of tempting cuban-style meats and cheeses. But for Pepper Mashay's annual cook-out, I simply HAD to break my diet!



Remember the scene in TRANSAMERICA where Felicity and her son stopped off in Texas at the tranny party hosted by Bianca Leigh--the real NYC tranny? Well, I was transported to just such a party in Fort Lauderdale Tuesday night, so they really do exist. Well, it wasn't all transies, cuz there was a dance music gang there too, including one of the nicest gals, terrific soul-singer and throwown soul food chef by the name of Pepper Mashay, who had a dance smash with DIVE IN THE POOL a few years ago. But this evening was more like DIVE INTO THE DROOL than POOL. As a testament to her cooking, the two flanking her below weighed only 150 pounds when they walked in!



At least they got in! Poor Superman was left standing behind the velvet ropes all night! Actually, if you'll notice the plaster marks near the railing (You can click on the photo to enlarge, I believe. But don't ever try this with the nostril area of any of my late night party pix, you cunts!), the ropes were to protect Superman, who normally resides inside his own custom-made phone booth, which was out being repaired!



The zany, party decor theme doesn't stop there. You'll notice the gumball machine in the foreground of the Superman pic--a light-up gumball machine, no less!--but the funky and fabulous pad also features a vintage coke machine. Get this...it's free AND it holds alcoholic beverages! Kind of like my asshole!



And an 1890's style popcorn stand! But dancing to the sounds of the world's greatest dj's in Miami all week, "Lady Bunion" had had quite enough of popped corns! I couldn't believe my "ears"! (Apologies--I'm a little rusty at blogging at this point!)



Actually, it's sort of an annual event, when we head to FTL to take a break from the conference and I consider myself lucky to be invited the last coupla years. Sheila makes a wonderful hostess, though her normal gig is a purveyor of transsexual erotica on her popular site FOXYANGEL, which I urge you to check out. Sheila and I are sisters, so I'm not sure that I need to pay to see her shemale cock dangling beneath her sizeable bust when I can see my own, dangling beneath my sizeable gut, for free. Besides, it might spoil our friendship. But you guys go right ahead! Quite the entrepreneur, Sheila shoots her own porn, complete with a webcam before which a number of chicks with dicks writhe continually and I assume provocatively. She demonstrated her set-up and the bitch even has different playrooms to cater to any scene! Including this jail cell with an autographed wall



which (sorry about the quality of this photo) was temporarily occupied by singer/label head Georgie Porgie and his Chicago crew, booker Shawn Manning, gay porn star Frederick Ford, record promoter Harry Towers and some very entertaining folks whose names I could not quite make out over my loud, constant chewing.



and right around the corner, a spartan, splattered-something-dark toilet and cot scene which almost had me re-tasting Pepper's fine vittles. Looks just like a real jail cell! Uh, I mean from what I've seen in the movies...



The props are stored near the locker room backdrop (shemales in high school?) set.



A closer shot reveals a black latex fetish gloves next to a black 1970's Dianne Keaton-style hat atop a suitcase--please tell me that somebody out there orders pay-per-view fetishistic TRANNIE HALL road trip scenes! Besides my dad, that is!



I give Sheila "props" for the variety--a longhorn skull, beach ball, football, bales of hay and if that white-tipped stick is either a showbiz cane or an over-sized wand, I'm going to lose my cotton-pickin' mind--AGAIN!



I did lose my mind when I got home-what the fuck is WONDER SHOWZEN on MTV 2? How long has this been on? Am I just totally out of it, is this new, or did it just turn fab? You must check it out! Not only did one skit feature the genius Amy Sedaris (who must be involved in the show somehow--the credits went by too quickly and I was snorting poppers trying to cum) but other skits got away with really demented shit because they are narrated with innocent kids voices saying outrageous stuff like "I pulled some corn out of my bottom and sold it to a factory." Hungh!?!? Also a recurring # 2 shit skit and an out there chicken factory segment which I think may have contained a veiled vegetarian message. Was it the joint or is this show brilliant? I slam TV so much that I feel compelled to highlight anything good and this was great and totally unexpected. Season 2 starts this Friday on MTV2: MTV2

Earlier that evening, the cook-out guests took a break to watch American Idol and I sat in for a minute. One 7 foot tall fag entered the room and literally gasped when he realized that he'd missed the first few moments of it. But the other girls reassured him that they it was being Tivo'ed. Why? Isn't it on 3 times a week? I despise that emblem of sanitized mediocrity Ryan Seacrest. And why the fuck do they even have judges if Ryan is going to argue with them and then the audience decides anyway? Paula looked beautiful with more make-up and a darker mane than usual, but definitely had that tight drugged jaw. And what is wrong with that black queen judge? Isn't his foundation, which is packed on up to his eyeballs, a few shades too light and super-waxy? What a weird-ass show.

Speaking of weird, one of the guests at Pepper's din-din was a tranny who at last year's shindig, was accompanied by the real girl she was dating, and had impregnated. This year, she is still living as a woman but phasing out the drag because she wants to be a manlier father. Amazing! Like my therapist always says, "Bunny, would eating shit out of a homeless woman's ass be considered safe sex?"--I mean--"There's a cover for every pot!" As dumbfounding as it seems, this gorgeous twenty-something, seemingly well-adjusted and tons of fun transsexual is a father to be. And "she" is a top! In fact, some of these gals purposefully avoid female hormones so they can maintain erections for their fans. That's why you'll notice some tranny ads in the back of the Village Voice which claim "no hormones". The hormones feminize the "girls", but their clients don't fancy shrivelled hormone-soaked clitty-cocks which don't ever get hard. A real snatch 22. Do you want a pretty queen with a soft cock or a harder-looking queen with a hard cock? Or a booger bottom like me--the worst of both worlds? Please masturbate while pondering that one.

GAWK AT WHITNEY!

Gawker.com has put up the Enquirer/Sun pix from her "crack den"!

GAWKER

And here's a few of the catty comments posted beneath the pix!

Somebody needs to switch her to crystal meth... she'll have that mess cleaned up in under two hours.

by chrisb on 03/29/06 12:43 PM
Whatever.
She can keep the place messy if she wants. I mean, it's her prerogative.

by E®IC on 03/29/06 01:39 PM
"Stars! They're just like us!"

by daniel on 03/29/06 01:54 PM
Maybe it's just a look. You fail to consider that this whole "crackhead" thing may just be a bit too 2008 for you.

WHAT I TIVO

A few months ago, Paper mag aske me to contribute to their regular column of WHAT I TIVO. As if I have TIVO or even a functioning vhs recorder! And I don't think Paper realized how bitter I've become. But I obliged and the article appeared last month. Since it's off stands now, I thought I'd post it, even though there is definitely some overlap with things I've already sqawked about on my blog regularly. And some of the "news" is a little dated, as the deadline was 3 months ago.


WHAT I TIVO (originally printed in Paper magazine.)

I grew up enjoying classics like BEWITCHED, and I hate to break it to you, but I doubt they'll be re-running GASTINEAU GIRLS and PIMP MY RIDE in 20 years. SEX AND THE CITY re-runs? Maybe. But to me, that show's responsible for the clueless SEX wannabes who now troll Avenue C in Manolos. And why would anyone wanna see "stars" like Drew Lachey fox-trot to EVERYBODY DANCE NOW? Hell, I know Jane Wiedlin, but that doesn't mean I wanna watch her help a dwarf pee on THE SURREAL LIFE.

I used to watch John Stewart, but ultimately, it’s depressing that Bush's incompetence yields an endless source of punchlines. So now I keep CNN on. I'm fascinated with the revolving cast, like Anderson Cooper's build-up after his "dramatic coverage" in N’Awlins. The humor bits which ended Anderson's old shows are gone, and commercials for his new slot use clips of the cutie in action shots. In Iraq! Sleeves rolled up! Surgical mask on! To build on his Katrina triumph, they ran and re-ran footage of him amidst the gusts of Hurricane Wilma, with some guy saying "The sand is taking a layer of skin off." Puh-lease! Though I cherish the vision of Floridian crones running to the beach shrieking "C'mon Esther! Free microdermabrasions!", there was ample evacuation time for Wilma. So pack up your camera, Anderson, and get your nelly ass off the beach! We need news, not an action figure! And your “keeping them honest” shtick means nothing when your reporting is so biased towards the Bush administration.

CNN even booted potato-faced Aaron Brown to give Anderson his slot. Cronkite couldn't get hired today--are they putting CNN casting notices on porn sites? Suzanne Malveaux is so stunning that I can't concentrate on her reports. Is lip gloss really appropriate for a newscaster? It plainly says "Place dick here." (Trust me, I oughta know!) But their looks aren't the reason this new crop of anchors sucks. They gloss over the actual news on shows like Larry King’s, which focuses on tabloid junk like Laci and Natalee. Erik Melendez’s wife got three fucking shows! Larry-kins, that murderer is locked up so we're safe from him. Maybe investigate the murderer in the White House?

Tweety-bird impersonator Paula Zahn is one of the worst. She focues on three or four “big” stories in her prime–time evening broadcast and now has an interactive feature which includes a count-down of which stories viewers logged onto most on the CNN sites. Well, guess what, Paula? This isn’t American Idol and should not be a competition of any kind. What? More people are interested in it so it becomes more news-worthy because you’d rather placate the morons of this country with cute stories about zoo animals which are saved?The same morons who’ll be wondering a few years down the line why no one stressed the seriousness of global warming? I’d prefer to get my news from researchers who decide which stories are more pertinent and don’t give a damn about the feel-good stories which the owner of CNN includes regularly so that we can forget the sorry state of this administration who CNN’s owners’ contributions keep in power in exchange for tax-breaks. Perfect example, CNN just profiled a black family who’d been reunited, against all odds, with their adorable little girl. Well, the truth of the matter is that thousands of bodies have not been recovered and looking for them isn’t a priority. Are these families being profiled?

But just keep it “nice.” I saw a flight attendant offer a newspaper to someone seated next to me and they declined. She replid, “It’s all depressing anyway, isn’t it.” That’s right, little dumplin’. Don’t worry your pretty little head over it because it might spoil your day. CNN anchors are not only increasing good-looking, but jovial as well, and they thank each other profusely and say things to each other like “Have a nice weekend!” between segments. A little formaility please. The last thing we need are rose-colored glasses to soften the ugly and far-reaching blunders of this administration. This chipper attitude has grown markedly over the past three years and in the saddest political era of my life, our most liberal TV news is turning into Entertainment Tonight.

CNN constantly covered Baby Noor, the Iraqi infant with spinal bifida who an American soldier “discovered.” Noor required an operation unavailable in Iraq, so our sweet soldier flew her to Atlanta for surgery. Hungh? REWIND! The US is in Iraq to create victims, not save deformed baby girls! But someone must have told CNN, "Put a friendlier face on the war." This is blatant propaganda--and CNN is supposedly the "liberal" channel?!? STOP THE PRESS! Literally!

"Media watchdog" is not a role I ever dreamt I'd play. But as any victim of 9/11, Katrina, or Sago could tell you--if they were alive--this government was incapable of heeding the warnings for these disasters. Didja hear the one about Bush being the largest recipient of campaign contributions from mine-owners and as payback, he restricted access to the mines' safety reports? IT'S TRUE! ! Ba-dum-pum! Oops! Gotta go--there's a special on the drunk who fell off that cruise ship!

SAUL ZANOLARI

Click here ARTSHOLE to check out the redrawn photos of Spanish artist Saul Zanolari. The one below is of NYC's Flawless Sabrina, who before becoming of the most outrageous (and oldest) club "kids" time was the chic femcee from the bitchy 1960's drag pageant movie THE QUEEN. Saul has also redrawn pix of RuPaul, Simon LeBon and moi.

PETEWATCH!

Miss Burns is at it again--calling the police and an ambulance for himself! GENIUS! Pics too, with lips swollen from "a facial". Love that nut!

THESUN

TATTOO OF THE MONTH

Please! No tacky, misogynistic jokes about whether or not this smells better than the real thing!

THE FUTURE OF ROCK!

MOLVANIA

Is this Ali G? I didn't experience anything this interesting at the whole Miami Winter Music Conference!

LA RUE STROKIN' OFF!

No, not RUE PAUL! Dame Danny La Rue! The groundbreaking UK drag legend has suffered a stroke and will retire, The Pink Paper reports.

PINKNEWS

Larue had one of the most spectacular wardrobes in drag history, especially since his era of greatest popularity was the 1960's, so the wigs were high and the lashes long. I got to see him in the early '90's with another UK drag legend Leigh Bowery, who took me to see his insane music hall style revue over spotted dick (the dessert) in East London. His blue-haired fans and I loved it when he told that ancient joke about, oh here goes my ripping off her off disguised as a tribute...

Two guys are on the beach and one asks the other how to attract more girls.

His friend says put a few potatoes in your speedos and the girls will come running.

He puts in the taters but it has the opposite effect and girls run screaming and holding their noses, so he goes back to his friend and asks what he did wrong.

His friend says "Next time, put the potatoes in the front of your swimsuit." Wah wah! Here's to you, Lady La Rue!

JEWISH HAIKU

Don't know who wrote these, but Howie Pyro forwarded them and since I'm in Miami, they appealed to my inner jew.

Lacking fins or tail

the gefilte fish swims with

great difficulty.


*****

Beyond Valium,

peace is knowing one's child

is an internist.


*****

On Passover we

opened door for Elijah.

Now our cat is gone.

*****

After the warm rain

the sweet smell of camellias.

Did you wipe your feet?

*****

Her lips near my ear,

Aunt Sadie whispers the name

of her friend's disease.


*****

Today I am a man.

Tomorrow I will return

to the seventh grade.

*****

Testing the warm milk

on her wrist, she sighs softly.

But her son is forty.

*****

The sparkling blue sea

reminds me to wait an hour

after my sandwich.


*****

Like a bonsai tree,

is your terrible posture

at my dinner table.


*****

Jews on safari --

map, compass, elephant gun,

hard sucking candies.

*****

The same kimono

the top geishas are wearing:

I got it at Loehmann's.


*****

The shivah visit:

so sorry about your loss.

Now back to my problems.


*****

Mom, please! There is no

need to put that dinner roll

in your pocketbook.


*****

Seven-foot Jews in

the NBA slam-dunking!

My alarm clock rings.


*****

Sorry I'm not home

to take your call. At the tone

please state your bad news.


*****

Is one Nobel Prize

so much to ask from a child

after all I've done?


*****

Today, mild shvitzing.

Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.

Five-day forecast: feh!


*****

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.

Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah

Oy! To be fluent!


*****

Quietly murmured

at Saturday Synagogue services,

Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.


*****

A lovely nose ring,

excuse me while I put my

head in the oven.

****

Hard to tell under the lights.

White Yarmulke or

male-pattern baldness.

LEPRECHAUN SITED IN MOBILE, AL

YOUTUBE

FAYE GOING OFF!

Someone posted a phone message from Miss Dunaway who's a little displeased with something. She's discussing some interview and doesn't want MOMMIE DEAREST to be the focus.

LISTEN HERE: DLISTED

LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT

Frequent blog visitor Jan sent me this one:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more
money to spend -- you used up all of that. You can't start another war
because you used up the Army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your
term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen
to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's
speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk
away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and
the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy
job. How about cowboy, or space man? Now I know what you're saying:
there's so many other things that you as President could involve
yourself in.

Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war
with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space
program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving
embryos the vote.

But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern
like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that
you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like
a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an
entire city to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost
all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a
piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans.
Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country.
I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other
side.

So, yes, God does speak to you. What He is saying is 'Take a hint."

DON'T TAKE GRAMPS TO MARDI GRAS!

TAKE HIM TO CHURCH INSTEAD!

WATCH LIZA ON CNN!

In all her nutty glory!

FOURFOUR

ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS!

Funny video! POTATOCHIPTALE

DO YOU TAKE IT...

IN THE ASS? asks this delightful video forwarded to me by Richard of the great blog PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

YOUTUBE

RANDI RHODES ON CNN!

TONIGHT!

VIRTUALMATTER

DISCO DELIVERY

If ya love disco like I do, you'll worship this site!

DISCODELIVERY


Unlike some (ahem!) bloggers I know, Tommy's a disco-lovin' Canadian who posts regular entries, complete with album artwork, soundbites and well-written commentary on disco records. Today's pick is Phylicia Allen's (aka Rashad) Jacques Morali-produced dance album with the mom from the Cosby's in a disco-meets-Josephine-Baker look, where she is actually wearing--GASP--eyeliner! I've always thought she was pretty, but for some reason--I guess because she was playing a housewife but that doesn't explain a similar look she still wears to public appearances--very little eye make-up. None! Zero! I don't expect everyone to pop on 4 pairs of upper lashes and one pair on the bottom like I do, but bitch, you're in showbiz! Paint your bugged-out eyes a little! A little liner in the rim would actually de-bug them!

But don't let my hatefulness prevent you from visiting Disco Delivery to see Mrs. Huxtable in her revealing Josephine Baker banana skirt get-up. With ankle-strapped disco sandles no less!

LYPSINKA ARRESTED!

SMOKINGGUN

TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY

To friends and family,

I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final. We just purchased a one bedroom condo near Sannibel Island in South Florida as an investment property.

It finally closed last week, so we thought that we would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the island. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, we will be handling bookings until we can find an agent.

Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $250 for the week. These prices are low because they are for friends and family. And especially our Internet buddies.

Prices will be a bit different for people we don't know, but we can discuss that on an individual basis.

In any case, it's a one bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush greens, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo below.



Let us know if you're interested ..





PS: THANKS TO JAN FOR SENDING ME THIS SHIT!

AMANDA WHO?

No offense, Miss Lepore! But there's another famed transsexual goddess en route to NYC for an art exhibit: AMANDA LEAR! Don't miss this one! I hear she'll even be at the opening at the Envoy Gallery: ENVOYGALLERY



You can also visit Amanda's Of-fish-ial site (under construction) at AMANDALEAR

A little more informative, with interviews and sound clips of her recordings is EURODANCEHITS

BLOWFLY IN BROOKLYN!

BLOWFLY AT CLUB EXIT IN BROOKLYN ON 4/7--This fool gets around so check out his myspace page for his full schedule. And don't forget to listen to his ridiculous X-rated version of SESAME STREET. And he actually answered my email!

BLOWFLYONMYSPACE

BEDAZZLED!

Love these new video hosting sites! Bedazzled hosts several weird clips including this bizarre interview with J.B. right after he popped his wife with a pipe (presumably after sucking on a smaller pipe) and is out on bail, but seems to be feeling no pain on LA's SONIA LIVE.

SPIKEPRIGGEN

There's also a schmaltzy Beatles medley featuring Bobbie Gentry, Engelbert Humperdink, Gwen Verdon (what an entrance!) and the always terrible cornball Bing Crosby! The arrangement is freakish but the staging is so cool and Bobbie mesmerizing!!

SPIKEPRIGGEN

I'm sure that cover would make the dead Beatles turn over in their grave and Paul McCartney gnaw Heather's fake leg off in agony, but it's not as bad as this stale, half-baked cover of BREAD's smash IF: Telly Savalas butchers it, talk-singing it in between puffs of his trademark cigar on DINAH SNORE!

SPIKEPRIGGEN

I guess the idea was, we need to milk these big stars' talents. They can't sing, so we'll have them recite poetry set to music. (Maybe Britney and Enrique Iglesias should give this a try.) In this clip, a handsome young William Shatner reads a women's lib poem called WHERE IS IT WRITTEN set to music.

SPIKEPRIGGEN

There's plenty more on this site and you may want the home address cuz there are different types of files for each vid, as well as plenty other vid's to choose from.

BEDAZZLEDMUSIC

CRAIG'S PISSED

Thanks to the ever-demented Tommy for passing this gem frommCRAIG'S LIST along. I responded and she called and we have a date tonight! I'm bulking up with a big breakfast as we speak!

LAST NIGHT MY BEST FRIEND'S HUSB & I WERE OUT DRINKING


Reply to: pers-142978334@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-18, 9:59AM

WE ENDED UP HIS BROWNSTONE HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER WERE AWAY. HE STARTED RUBBING HIS COCK ANS I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES AND SUCKED HIM> HE MADE ME STAY UNDER HIS BALLS FOR ABOUT 20 MINS. THAN HE HAD TO SHIT AND I SUCKED HIM ON THE TOILET> HE WIPED HIS ASS AND TOLD ME TO CLEAN UP INSIDE HIS HOLE. I DID"NT WANT TO BUT HE SAT DOWN ON MY FACE AND WHEN MY TOUNGE WAS UP INSIDE HIS HOLE HE WAS VERY HAPPY I STAYED UP THERE FOR 45 MINS,THE SMELL AND TASTE OF THE HINT OF HIS SHIT MADE ME HIGH AND MY MOUTH HAD A NEW SENSATION THAT WAS FANTASIC.IN THE BEGINNING MY TOUNGE WAS EMBEDDED WITH HIS SHIT AND HE TOLD ME TO SAVOR IT AND THEN SWALLOW,IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT. THEN HE TURNED ME AROUND AND PISSED DOWN MY THROAT AND TOLD ME NOT TO MOVE OR LOSE A DROP> I DIDN'T. I GULPED IT DOWN & MY STOMACH BEGAN TO CRAMP FROM THE AMOUNT OF LIQUID, I CAME AT THAT POINT AND HE GOT DRESSED AND LEFT. LATER I WAS SORRY I DIDN'T GET HIS CUM. HE INSISTED HE IS NOT GAY BUT HE COULD'NT GET GIRLS TO DO THIS. HIS WIFE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND I FEEL WEIRD> BUT IT WAS THE MOST SURPRISING EXCITING NIGHT OF MY LIFE WOULD LIKE TO REPEAT IT WITH A MASC BEARDED WHITE HUSKY STOCKY OR CHUBBY MAN. WHO IS VERBAL AND WHO HAS A BIG ASS WITH A TIGHT HOLE DISEASE FREE. I LIVE IN MANHATTAN. I A HUSKY HAIRY CUTE BEAR CUB WHO WAS ALWAYS INTO VANILLA SERVICE TILL NOW. HIV NEG SEND PIC IF YOU HAVE ONE.

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/m4m/142978334.html

SAYONARA, TOKYO!

My trip was a bit of a disappointment. Not because of Japan itself, but rather my own flu-ish condition and the rheumy eyes through which I viewed my exotic, new surroundings. I'd had a rotten cold for a week before leaving on Valentine's Day. I missed my therapy session so now I'll save some $ by whining to you! By the time I got off the 12 hour flight, sucking in the same air as the other international bird flu, turd flu and SARS-infected passengers I was riddled with a cold so debilitating that they would want to put those fucking surgical masks on when I trolled by slinging my deadly snot.



As if those masks work. Are they worn by the sick to prevent others' contamination or as protection from getting sick? Or to filter out pollution? This guy who lowered his mask to have a ciggy certainly seems to defeat whatever the purpose was. Maybe they should design a smoker's version of the mask with a hole at the mouth.



Anyhoo, I came over to dj at a Visionaire launch/exhibition/party, but I thought why come all this way without hanging out for a few extra days? It's a long flight and I'd only been here once, with Willie Ninja, Sister DImension, Madamae Ekaterina Sobechanskaya, club-kid legend Olympia and a few others to work a Suzanne Bartsch party. Since we never made it out of Tokyo, I'd wanted to return and use a spare day to take the bullet train to Kyoto and have a gander at the temples, geishas and what not. WRONG!

I will never again underestimate the crippling force of jet-lag, which has never hit me like it did this time. (Old?) I was hag-xhausted, but unable to sleep because my rhythms were fucked-up. I guess what I'd recommend to a visitor to any land that far away are bringing plenty of melatonin, Ambien or other sleeping aids, and DEFINITELY figuring in at least a day of leisurely recovery time before you have to "do" anything, much less hop a train to another city to explore. I was also poorly prepared for my trip. I'd had only jumped out of my 4-day sickbed to rush around the day before my departure trying to accessorize the borrowed kimono which I imagined I'd wear while go-go dancing to TURNING JAPANESE on a street corner behind a tip cup, with dumbfounded japanese looking on in shock, disgust, dismay--whatever. I thought it might be cute to cut graphics into the footage which indicated that I was an "international sensation", along with other segments in which I asked perplexed japanese for directions to the Great Wall, or perhaps brandished a piece of dental floss offering to blindfold strangers on the street. I had visions of prissing through the shopping areas and showing the Harajuku girls of HOLLA BACK fame a thing or two as their eyes narrowed at my "wicked style", and dreamt of later photo-shopping a Hacidic male's hat and spit-curls onto my head as a Hara-JEW-ku girl. All for you, my dear readers!

I would also recommend bringing fiber supplements. I know that whole continents subsist on white rice, but like our white bread and the food in Torino which the Winter Olympics athletes just complained about yesterday, there is very little fiber in it. Together with the few vegetables served (to me) in Japan besides seaweed, you're likely to be literally "full of shit" throughout your stay. And another thing--only take nutrition tips from fat people.

I also hadn't done my research, since I was busy wiping away my bountiful snot while shopping for the "perfect jewelry" for the borrowed psychedelic TURNING JAPANESE kimono which I wouldn't even wear once. I didn't go online and google any gay highlights (like the popular gay bar Mr. Strawberry--how fruity!) or tourist attactions or find out info on that bullet train to Kyoto. And Tokyo, much larger than NYC, is a bit daunting. A few warnings. Outside of your hotel, english is not widely spoken. Your ATM cards and cellphones are unlikely to work everywhere. Tokyo is huge and the subway was confusing--though I'm admittedly not a map person. Taxis are abundant, but japanese have their own unique way of giving directions and unless your destination is a well-known landmark, rotsa ruck with the non-english speaking cabdrivers. Oh, and the taxi doors, like the escalators which are triggered to start right before you step on them, are automated. Don't touch them! The driver won't like it. He wants to be in control of opening and closing them. And their spotless white gloves are so cute!



Not so cute? Trying to get my big bubble-headed moose-ass into the diminuative japanes taxis!



The japanese are a fascinating and often startlingly gorgeous people. As soon as the male flight attendant made his announcements in a whispery, polite, barely audible manner which was so different from our loud and gregarious "Welcome aboard and how 'bout that Super Bowl?" stewardesses, I began to realize how different our people are. Personally, I am probably the direct opposite of these reserved, polite, efficient and cheery clean freaks. Well, except for the freak part. I was shocked to see construction workers painstakingly putting out their cigarette butts on the bottom of their shoes and then into the trash can. Can you imagine a gruff American workman doing anything other than flinging his cigarette butt on the ground? There are hardly any homeless people here, although my keen eye clocked one, who gave me a cheery if toothless grin from his makeshift hut.



And he singlehandedly disproved the myth about miniature asian dicks.He had 10 inches! Well, 7 after I lovingly removed the dirt and scabs. I had brought along a magnifying glass to aid in my quest for cock--but next time I'll come better prepared with a microscope. No, I'm kidding! Japanese dicks are the perfect size....for flossing with! Oink!

But unlike the above gentleman, most of these folks are super-industrious! How else could they afford to be the world's largest consumers of luxury items? Japan keeps those high-end labels in business. And japanese taste is definitely quirky, with a penchant for bright colors and a martian (as my Wigstock partner/fine artist Scott Lifshutz called it) sensibility everywhere.

SQUINT AND YOU CAN PROBABLY DETECT THE ANTENNAE AND HOME-MADE NECKLACE HANGING FROM A SEQUIN BAND.



MORE MARTIAN



MORE MARTIAN



MORE MARTIAN



MORE MARTIAN



MORE MARTIAN



EVEN DOGS WORK A LOOK!





THIS GENIUS CREATION WAS IN THE WINDOW OF A JAPANESE 7-11. CAN WE DISCUSS THE WHITE THIGH BOOTS AND TANK TOP ORNAMENTED WITH A RHINESTONED MINIATURE BAT-WING? AMAZINGLY CUTE!



Maybe it's my pre-conceived notion of the "ancient treasures of the Orient", but you do get a delicious feeling that they're keyed in to some "mystery of the Orient" which westerners aren't, and that they're somehow at peace with themselves. Until you see something like this:



Well I certainly didn't see anything like that at the glittering Visionaire soiree, held atop the famous Mori Tower, and presented by Van Cleef and Arpels and Moet Chandon. I met the creative director of Van Cleef and I'm not sure he understood my humor as I enthused, "I've always been such a fan of your exquisite jewelry", and holding up a VIP access dog-tag on a disposable chain, "but NONE of your designs could ever compare to THIS." He laughed nervously, no doubt noticing the mismatched jewelry that I was forced to wear as my jeweler is busy gearing up for that blasted Night of 1000 Goons.



I arrived and the photgraphers went wild. Both of them! They were screaming for me in their native tongue. I was later informed that translated, their words meant "Get out of the way, scag!", "What is the fuck is it?", "Quick! Get my surgical mask!" and "Where's Cecelia?".



(IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, THE LETTERS I'M COVERING SPELLED OUT "MAGIC"," NOT TRAGIC"!

Cecilia Dean, the Visionaire-y who you may recognize from her stunning Harry Winston ad, obliged the shutterbugs by arriving just moments later with her handsome escort David.



Since the radiant Cecilia brought nothing to wear (!), Balenciaga fedexed her a gown from Paris, which deserves it's own full-length shot. (Guys, for the record, I don't consider myself a photo-journalist, but I'm trying!)



Her bag is haute, and I think her dress would look great on me--as a scarf! Cecilia and David are joined here by the suave Greg Foley, another Visionaire staffer. Now Visionaire and I have a longstanding and somewhat peculiar realtionship. I never really intended to become a dj, and still can't mix worth a damn, but as music in the clubs got harder and more techno-y in the 90's, a lot of clubs would stick me in the lounge because I provided a relief from the usual main floor fare by spinning a variety of tempo, styles, and eras. No one really took me seriously as a dj until this deluxe, glossy art and fashion quarterly started hiring me to play their parties in New York, Paris, Milan, London, and Miami. And as high end as their publication may be, the Visionaire crew has a delightful sense of humor and appreciates my sense of trash. Like the time they arrived at the hotel in Paris to have the handicapped toilet door swing open to reveal me bombed and blowing the vietnamese janitor. At 5:00 am on that night, I dialed up Cecilia's room to inform her that I'd spoken with Stephen Gan, the head honcho pictured below,



and that her services would no longer be needed at Visionaire, effective immediately. Stephen reminded me that I'd also tried to blow Greg at each of their first 10 parties. Hey! A girl can't help it if she's got good taste, can she? Look how suave Greg still looks sampling figs and candied ginger dipped in chocolate. Luckily for Greg, I have finally given up after 10 years.




SPOTTED: THE GAL FROM PIZZICATO FIVE--WHAT A POSE! SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR HEAVENLY-TITLED TRACKS LIKE STRAWBERRY SLEIGHRIDE AND MAGIC TWIN CANDLE TALE.



SEX CHANGE SITING!



ANOTHER SEX CHANGE SITING!



Now this drag had a novel idea. Take a cab and arrive with one wig on head and one in hand.



Then for added height, plop the second wig on top and secure it with some sort of stick lodged in the base wig prior to arrival, et voila!



JAPANESE CARTOON BLING BLING





NEW YORK ELECTRO DUO DUKE WAS PERFORMING AT CLUB FALINE THAT NIGHT.



AT THE INVITATION OF THIS LOVELY LADY, WHO WAS INTRODUCED AS THE QUEEN OF THE HARAJUKU GIRLS. (I guess the hot new look over there is nightshades with long reddish hair under the arms! I wonder if Lypsinka knows how in she is...)



AND I GUESS THE SIDEWAYS (OR SHOULD I SAY SLANTED?) PEACE SIGN IS THE POPULAR POSE:



IS THIS ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST ADORABLE COUPLE OR WHAT?




GURL, I EVEN FOUND TRADE IN TOKYO!

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ATTACHED TO THIS!



I wouldn't exactly call his gold-sequinned cowboy hat to be as cutting edge as Visionaire's latest issue, but then neither was the moment when I incorrectly cued up a compilation cd which I'd made, and instead of the Basement Jaxx's DO YOUR THING I'd intended to play, out came the horrifyingly gauche opening strains of LA VIDA LOCA. (At least I didn't fuck up and play Wanda Jackson's FUJIYAMA MAMA, a rockabilly song in which Wanda threatens "I can cause distruction, just like the atom bomb". The only thing sadder were the remaining 4 minutes of the song that I was forced to grin and bear all and bounce around in mock delight as the dancefloor cleared. Troll in the hizouse! This admiring dancer didn't seem to mind. I have two captions for this shot:

SHE SAID: ORDINARILY, I"M THE ONE ON MY KNEES!

HE SAID: THE LONGER I STROKE HER FLAT WHITE ASS, THE SHORTER HER NECK GETS!



I THINK THIS GAL IS TOKYO'S GAND MASTER OF TEA CEREMONIES (REALLY!)



Socialites mingled in designer duds as expensive champagne flowed freely--was I the TOAST OF TOKYO?



OR JUST PLAIN TOASTED? OR JUST PLAIN?



I was plain BUSTED by the time I crawled back to the Ana Hotel. It was there I'd stay for the next few days, clutching a snot-rag and the remote. I had hoped to catch some traditional kabuki drag in a theater, but there was plenty of gender-bending on the telly. I marvelled at the site of these geisha drags in a musical, but was not prepared for the drag kings which followed. At least I think they were drag kings. (That rheumy eye again.) And then there were some really nutty club kid/musical looks that would have done Sister Dimension proud. Forgive the red eye function on my camera--I just got it and couldn't figure out how to turn it off as I (literally) feverishly snapped away at the TV screen.

















If you ever visit this site again with those red-eye "art pix" photo essay, soon I'll post pix from my trip to shopping havens Harajuku Street and Shibuya. Yeah, real soon. It took me a month to post these!