WHAT I TIVO

A few months ago, Paper mag aske me to contribute to their regular column of WHAT I TIVO. As if I have TIVO or even a functioning vhs recorder! And I don't think Paper realized how bitter I've become. But I obliged and the article appeared last month. Since it's off stands now, I thought I'd post it, even though there is definitely some overlap with things I've already sqawked about on my blog regularly. And some of the "news" is a little dated, as the deadline was 3 months ago.


WHAT I TIVO (originally printed in Paper magazine.)

I grew up enjoying classics like BEWITCHED, and I hate to break it to you, but I doubt they'll be re-running GASTINEAU GIRLS and PIMP MY RIDE in 20 years. SEX AND THE CITY re-runs? Maybe. But to me, that show's responsible for the clueless SEX wannabes who now troll Avenue C in Manolos. And why would anyone wanna see "stars" like Drew Lachey fox-trot to EVERYBODY DANCE NOW? Hell, I know Jane Wiedlin, but that doesn't mean I wanna watch her help a dwarf pee on THE SURREAL LIFE.

I used to watch John Stewart, but ultimately, it’s depressing that Bush's incompetence yields an endless source of punchlines. So now I keep CNN on. I'm fascinated with the revolving cast, like Anderson Cooper's build-up after his "dramatic coverage" in N’Awlins. The humor bits which ended Anderson's old shows are gone, and commercials for his new slot use clips of the cutie in action shots. In Iraq! Sleeves rolled up! Surgical mask on! To build on his Katrina triumph, they ran and re-ran footage of him amidst the gusts of Hurricane Wilma, with some guy saying "The sand is taking a layer of skin off." Puh-lease! Though I cherish the vision of Floridian crones running to the beach shrieking "C'mon Esther! Free microdermabrasions!", there was ample evacuation time for Wilma. So pack up your camera, Anderson, and get your nelly ass off the beach! We need news, not an action figure! And your “keeping them honest” shtick means nothing when your reporting is so biased towards the Bush administration.

CNN even booted potato-faced Aaron Brown to give Anderson his slot. Cronkite couldn't get hired today--are they putting CNN casting notices on porn sites? Suzanne Malveaux is so stunning that I can't concentrate on her reports. Is lip gloss really appropriate for a newscaster? It plainly says "Place dick here." (Trust me, I oughta know!) But their looks aren't the reason this new crop of anchors sucks. They gloss over the actual news on shows like Larry King’s, which focuses on tabloid junk like Laci and Natalee. Erik Melendez’s wife got three fucking shows! Larry-kins, that murderer is locked up so we're safe from him. Maybe investigate the murderer in the White House?

Tweety-bird impersonator Paula Zahn is one of the worst. She focues on three or four “big” stories in her prime–time evening broadcast and now has an interactive feature which includes a count-down of which stories viewers logged onto most on the CNN sites. Well, guess what, Paula? This isn’t American Idol and should not be a competition of any kind. What? More people are interested in it so it becomes more news-worthy because you’d rather placate the morons of this country with cute stories about zoo animals which are saved?The same morons who’ll be wondering a few years down the line why no one stressed the seriousness of global warming? I’d prefer to get my news from researchers who decide which stories are more pertinent and don’t give a damn about the feel-good stories which the owner of CNN includes regularly so that we can forget the sorry state of this administration who CNN’s owners’ contributions keep in power in exchange for tax-breaks. Perfect example, CNN just profiled a black family who’d been reunited, against all odds, with their adorable little girl. Well, the truth of the matter is that thousands of bodies have not been recovered and looking for them isn’t a priority. Are these families being profiled?

But just keep it “nice.” I saw a flight attendant offer a newspaper to someone seated next to me and they declined. She replid, “It’s all depressing anyway, isn’t it.” That’s right, little dumplin’. Don’t worry your pretty little head over it because it might spoil your day. CNN anchors are not only increasing good-looking, but jovial as well, and they thank each other profusely and say things to each other like “Have a nice weekend!” between segments. A little formaility please. The last thing we need are rose-colored glasses to soften the ugly and far-reaching blunders of this administration. This chipper attitude has grown markedly over the past three years and in the saddest political era of my life, our most liberal TV news is turning into Entertainment Tonight.

CNN constantly covered Baby Noor, the Iraqi infant with spinal bifida who an American soldier “discovered.” Noor required an operation unavailable in Iraq, so our sweet soldier flew her to Atlanta for surgery. Hungh? REWIND! The US is in Iraq to create victims, not save deformed baby girls! But someone must have told CNN, "Put a friendlier face on the war." This is blatant propaganda--and CNN is supposedly the "liberal" channel?!? STOP THE PRESS! Literally!

"Media watchdog" is not a role I ever dreamt I'd play. But as any victim of 9/11, Katrina, or Sago could tell you--if they were alive--this government was incapable of heeding the warnings for these disasters. Didja hear the one about Bush being the largest recipient of campaign contributions from mine-owners and as payback, he restricted access to the mines' safety reports? IT'S TRUE! ! Ba-dum-pum! Oops! Gotta go--there's a special on the drunk who fell off that cruise ship!