Dear Mr President And All The Rest of You Religious Nuts

(From the Web)

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27 How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24:10- 16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

My Cumrag

MY COMRADE, the hysterical 'zine which ruled gay nyc counter-culture (when there was one) from 1987-93, is ready for a re-launch, and it features an interview with moi, by the grande olde lady of hag drag herself, Linda Sampson. What's Linda been up to during her mag's 11-year hiatus? Why hosting two weekly nights of bingo, always a favorite past-time amongst her (advanced) age group. For more info or to find the one store which sells it check out her site www.sloppypigbottom.com--oh wait! It's her other site, www.mycomrade.com, which contains info about the magazine. This hot-off-the-press issue also includes Grace Jones, Mother Flawless Sabrina (the emcee from the classic film THE QUEEN), Chi Chi Valenti and Dr. Vaginal Davis. Sure to be a collector's item like all of the first batch.

Linda and I are actually dear friends--we only maintain a stage feud to keep you hateful bitches in stitches. Actually, though few know it since it was cancelled after only 2 issues, Linda and I once wrote a column called FULLY DYSFUNCTIONAL for SCREW magazine in 2000. (The title is a play on "fully functional" which many of the tranny hookers who advertise in SCREW describe themselves as, so potential clients would not worry that the "girls'" estrogen-drenched clitty-cocks couldn't get hard.) Our first column is entitled FISH STICK TRICKS.

LINDA: So here we are Bunny, writing our debut column for SCREW.

BUNNY: Yes, me in my chastity belt, a whipped-creme cock ring, a grape in each nostril, with tiger balm-coated nipple clamps.

LINDA: And do you recognize the designer dress I've chosen?

BUNNY: Yes, I recognized it at once--Salvation Armani.

LINDA: Certainly, SCREW has offered us a golden opportunity: to discuss and debate any topic we choose on a monthly basis.

BUNNY: No money, but we get to drain Al Goldstein's nasty nuts as payment. I LOVE a one-inch Jew cock.

LINDA: Bunny, that's not fair--Al has at least one-and-a-half inches. I must admit though that I had some second thoughts about appearing in such a highly controversial magazine. Do you think that our reputations might suffer?

BUNNY: What reputations? I think they might IMPROVE.

LINDA: Oh, you're right! Besides, I like to think of myself as a mighty warrior in the battle for sexual liberation.

BUNNY: Really? I like to think of myself as a desperate whore who will use any means to draw attention to her availability.

LINDA: Perhaps we should give the readers a little background info on ourselves. I'm a journalist and entertainer, and aspire to be a pop culture icon.

BUNNY: Actually, you remind me of a pop culture icon of another era--Lassie. I'm the creator of Wigstock, a world-crass entertainer, a much sought-after dj, and one helluva cocksucker.

LINDA: And maybe we should provide some of our sexual habits. Do you have sex very often?

BUNNY: My dog is eating my ass right now. Does that count?

LINDA: Do you think that the same guys who read SCREW for the trannie escort ads would be interested in meeting us?

BUNNY: Well, they might be disappointed when our tits come off when our dresses do.

LINDA: I find it amazing how many men are sexually attracted to transvestites and transsexuals.

BUNNY: Yet hardly any of them consider themselves gay. Some tranny-chasers just want their dicks sucked and a hole to poke, and they know that trannies can be quite horny and available. Other guys specifically seek out trannies because they're after the tranny's lady-meat, her fish stick, whatever you want to call it: they won't suck a cock unless it's coming out from under a skirt. Your father, Linda, is an example of this kind.

LINDA: Leave dad out of this! I actually think that most most tranny-chasers are bisexual. Gay sex is so stigmatized in our society, that the only way some men feel comfortable having sex with another man is when their sex partner is camouflaged as a woman--it's an illusion if a heterosexual encounter. But there are so many degrees of tranny-chasing that it's hard to generalize.

BUNNY: Well, I think that the more a tranny looks like a woman the more desirable she is. That's why you haven't had a date in a year, Lydia. But if you keep on cruising the Institute for the Blind you'll eventually come up with something.

LINDA: I don't think I necessarily need to "pass" to get men. I've seen you with your wig askew and your false eyelashes down to your jowls, and still be able to attract guys.

BUNNY: I guess they sensed my inner femininity, or maybe I had some good coke.

LINDA: What I'm saying is that in some circumstances tranny-chasers are turned on by a queen who doesn't pass.

BUNNY: When a guy wants a queen instead of a transsexual it's usually because he wants "her" dick. And he wants that dick to get hard. Many transsexuals take hormones, and it diminishes their ability to get an erection. Thats why the tranny escorts who advertise in the back of this magazine often claim 'no hormones" in their ads, even thought they are probably taking them.

LINDA: Yet no matter how much these "straight" guys might enjoy having sex with trannies, the possibility of romantic relationships is pretty nil. But personally, I'm not really that interested.

BUNNY: I thought that you and Al Sharpton were still dating! You were telling me about that hot scene where he put you in a garbage bag, shit all over you, and called you Tawana.

LINDA: Bunny, that is outrageous! And are you currently involved with someone?

BUNNY: No, but horse-hung readers are urged to contact me with their phone numbers. And I don't even charge!

LINDA: Well, if you're emphasizing "horse-hung" it doesn't seem like you're really interested in romance.

BUNNY: Honey, I'd settle for a good tonsil massage.

CNN's New Look

What is up with these CNN newscasters? Besides the obvious (they
don't report the news and even apologized like the New York Times did
for not questioning the war in Iraq more) they are really having an
image crisis. Increasingly good-looking with capped teeth,
newscasters smile too much and every guest, even if they are a CNN
staff member is thanked heartily after their interview. Isn't that a
fairly new development? Are they trying to hide the ugly truth with an
everything-is-rosy attitude? Carlos Watson has the most dazzling
smile of all. His new show which kicked off right before the
election? It's called OFF-TOPIC, and he interviews Heidi Klum and
Shaq. What a great time to go "off-topic" and divert attention from
the tragedy of the election unfolding. For chrissakes, even Aaron
Brown has gotten the new blue-white chompers put in. They look ok on
Tweety-Bird impersonator Paula Zahn, but show-bizzy teeth caps in
Aaron's friendly potato face look bizarre. And I'm certainly no
prude, but aren't false eyelashes (Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsome) and
lip gloss (Kelly Wallace) a bit much for NEWSCASTERS? Come on, I'm
a drag queen so I know good and well that trends in cosmetics may
come and go but lip gloss clearly signifies "place dick here" or
"my lips, like my pussy, is moist". (On the other hand, for some
inexplicable reason CNN broke with their own beauty trend when they
sent poor moose-like Candy Crowley on the campaign trail with no
make-up artist! And if anyone could use a little help, it's Candy.)

Their newest golden boy is Rick Sanchez. I've always marvelled at
former golden boy Bill Hemmer, whose inane chatter strikes me as
preposterous. Eg: After the lovely Soledad O'Brien covered a story
about Egyptian artefacts, Bill cheerily chimed in with "Good
history, Soledad." What makes it good or bad? It's history, you
dunce! But Bill's ditzy homecoming king personality is infinitely
preferable to Rick Sanchez's sugar-coated conservative bias which is
driven home with the most emphatic, showboatin' hand and arm
movements I've ever seen on anyone reporting outside of a sports
segment. Rick must resonate with their (increasingly conservative?)
audience since his career is on the rise, filling in for Paula and
making more and more frequent appearances. He often interrupts
guests, and he's chock full of those bullshit "in as much as" and
"in point of fact" corny, archaic interjections which lead you to
believe that he is very much in love with the sound of his own
voice. He's so desperate attempt to act "newscaster-y", I wonder if
he can even listen to the guests he engages in debates with? He is often
seen looking away from the interviewee when the camera cuts back to him.(His
last name indicates Spanish roots. Is he so desperate to honkify
himself that he is overdoing it?) Plenty of slang, too, to make it
all conversational and accessible--to morons!

And impartiality, formerly a hallmark of newscasting? Forget it! Two
young guys, just back from Iraq, were being interviewed by Rick, and
were describing the rampant anti-American sentiment there. Sanchez
buts in with "Well, we don't really like hearing that when we are
over there trying to free 'em." We're not trying to "free 'em",
hon, we're trying to occupy them so we can steal their oil--that's
my opinion, anyway. But should HIS opinion really be broadcast AS
NEWS? So you "don't like hearing that". You booked these guests as
authorities on Iraq, and now you don't like hearing the truth? When
discussing Palestine with a guest, the Clinton-Barak peace plan was
brought up and Rick interrupted with "I must say it's a pretty good
plan." To whom? To Palestinians? To Israelis? Or to Americans like
you who don't want to hear the truth and don't live there?

Look, I know that news shows are still show-biz and need ratings, etc., but these trends, on CNN alone--I don't watch much else--are disturbing. Are we so shallow that we can't even stand to watch a newscaster who isn't prettified? And we'll put up with rotten reporting as long as the reporters look good? Give me stodgy, un-glamorous, impartial Walter Cronkite anyday! Oops! Gotta run or I'll be late for my botox appointment!

Lypsinkerella

What is up with these CNN newscasters? Besides the obvious (they Wow! My sister Lypstinka as the wicked step-mother in the costume spectacle CINDERELLA at Lincoln Center? (Talk about type-casting!) Miss Thang joins an all-star cast including Eartha Kitt, Dick Van Patten, Renee Taylor and Lea Delaria. I caught up with her after a gruelling 7-hour dress rehearsal --Can anyone say bearded lady?--to dish a little backstage dirt with The Personification of Pizazz herself!

B: So, Lincoln Center! I know you've been a darling of the downtown theater scene for decades but you don't normally perform uptown, unless you include "performing" fellatio in the Rambles, where you normally get a standing gyration form everyone around?

L: Oh, YOU were there?

B: Yeah, what a hot mouth! You just didn't recognize me in my islamic hobo get-up! Anyhoo, what's it like to priss out onto that enormous stage, girl?

L: Well, it's fantastic to look up and see 4/5 balconies, especially after some of the dumps I've played!

B: And this is a huge production, right?

L: Yes, with around 100 dancing/singing chorus members and a 40-piece orchestra.

B: (The last time I worked with 40 "pieces" was the closing party at Jay's!) Now I know know that you've worked with tons of mega-celebs from Lily Tomlin to Bette Midler to Isabella Rossellini to well, me, but with such a stellar cast, is there anyone you find yourself staring at during rehearsals?

L: Yes, the stagehands! No, It would have to be Eartha, who Orson Welles once called "the most fascinating woman on earth." She's still one of them.

B: What's her "down-to Eartha" day look?

L: All black, very chic, with those enormous, thick-framed Carol Channing glasses and a turban or head-scarf.

B: No one can work a turban like that imperious goddess!

L: And often with leg weights. She is very spry and works constantly, and we share a hatred of processed foods. And sometimes she'll turn on the "Eartha growl" for dramatic effect off-stage. We all had to introduce ourselves when we began rehearsing and when Eartha purred "I'm Eartha Kitt and I'm playing the Fairy Godmother-r-r-r-r", the cast howled!

B: The ugly step-sisters are played by SNL's Ana Gasteyer an dyke diva Lea Delaria.

L: Yes, and today Lea cracked us up when she fell down the stairs. The director yelled "Keep the bit, Lea!" And Lea said "It's not a bit! It's a bull-dyke in high heels!"

B: How many gowns do you get to wear?

L: Three Marie Antoinette-style panniers, including a stunning black and gold closing number! Today was the first dress rehearsal and I think Renee Taylor (Fran Drescher's mom from on THE NANNY) is used to having the biggest wig in the cast. So she couldn't get over seeing mine--it's bigger!--for the first time.

B: Tell me about the show. I mean, of course, I am familiar with the work of Rodgers and Hammersmith--

L: Bunny, it's Richards and Hammerstein.

B: That's what I meant--but for those who aren't...

L: It began as a tv show in 1957 with Julie Andrews as Cinderella, but more pepolpe are familiar with the 1965 Leslie Anne Warren version. Also, Brandy and Whitney Houston redid it a few years ago. This is the first production in which a man has been cast in a female role.

B: Singing and acting--it's a great break for you!

L: Yes, I've always wanted to be a part of the professional NY theater communtity and they've finally invited me to the ball--though they rejected my attempts to rename it LYPSINKERELLA. Since Lypsinka primarily lip-synchs, that character can be a bit constricting. And when Lypsinka became popular, I neglected a lot of my acting ambititions.

B: What other classic Broadway roles might you be eyeing?

L: The Brooke Shields role in WONDERFUL TOWN, LEGENDS, HELLO, DOLLY or MAME.

B: (theatrical aside) They'd have to change the name to MAIM after you butchered it! What else is coming up for John "Lypsinka" Epperson?

L: Well, the same day CINDERELLA opens, I'm opening in the film KINSEY where I play a gay man in a gay bar--

B: Where else?

L--who gets to call sexy, fucking Liam Neeson, "Mary!"

B: (aside) I'm told that anyone who sees Liam's horse-cock is more likely to excalim "Jesus!" than "Mary!"

L: I also have a fashion spread in the November Paris Vogue--

B: I didn't know mature clowns were in style again. Could someone please notify Flotilla?

L:--and I'm updating my website www.lypsinka.com to include some Lypsinka sound clips and merchandise

B: Great! Well, wrapping up--

L: I'm also doing station identification spots on Channel 13.

B: OK, I think we got it--

L: I'm having John Epperson's cabaret SHOW TRASH produced as a theater piece for the first time in the coming months--

B: Fine--

L: And in the New Museums East Village 80's show, there is video of a 1987 La Mama performance, for hardcore fans.

B: Well, I'll let both of them know. In the meantime, EVERYONE grab a little culcha an check out Lypsinka and her fab co-stars in CINDERELLA from NOVEMBER 12-21 at Lincoln Center's New York State Theater!

The Night Larry Kramer Dissed Me--and all the rest of you faggots!

Last Sunday featured the most gorgeous weather ever. I strolled down to the piers, and as the sun shone down and the fall breeze tickled the trees playfully, I thought to myself, "See, there are still some things in life worth living for after Bush's victory. Before I got caught up in an election frenzy of emails and CNN I could take the time to enjoy a beautiful day--and I still can." But not for long. Not with Larry Kramer's speech THE TRAGEDY OF TODAY'S GAYS beckoning to me from Cooper Union. I longed to escape the sunshine and hook into someone who could voice my bitterness more eloquently than I. Larry did not disappoint. I urge you all to read his entire speech online at www.rodneycroome.id.au/other/0/, but here is my attempt to sum up the major points of a long speech in a short article.

I wasn't involved in ACT UP so I wasn't too familiar with Mr. Kramer. I knew he'd kissed David Drake, but who hasn't kissed that slut? I'd been warned that he was very angry and extreme. I must be too, since I agreed with every bitter, truthful word he had to say. His basic message to gays? You are just too fucked by this election, and you're just too fucked UP with crystal, barebacking and apathy to confront your attackers, the conservative right. A "vast right-wing conspiracy" was hatched in 1971 by Lewis Powell and financed by 9 rich families who were scared of hippies, war protesters, and civil rights activists. The right saw their safe, conservative world crumbling and began to implement a highly organized plan to reinstate it. On November 3rd, after 35 years, the plan was successful and the conservative president, congress and supreme court are now poised to turn back the clock on civil rights to defeat any gains gays, women, blacks or even dissenters have made. "The people (this plan) was written for did not then go off to a disco or to the Pines, or into therapy or into drugs. They took the plan and they have executed it religiously every day and night for the last 35 years, initially with 400 mllion dollars... and some back-breaking, grinding, unglamorous work of civic engagements county by county...They took the richest and most liberal nation in the world" and transformed it so that now 30% of Americans self-identify as conservatives, as opposed to 10% in 1971. And make no mistake. They hate us and they are in a position of complete power.

And where is our plan to combat them? In a shambles, as are we. "Our organizations stink" and are either powerless an or on the verge of financial collapse. When will the rich and powerful gays step up to help? We can't count on the government because they hate us and are glad that we're doing ourselves in with AIDS and crystal. We're murdering each other by not using condoms. We know that unprotected sex causes AIDS and yet new infections are up 40%. If we know how to prevent it and we aren't, then we are bringing the AIDS crisis onto ourselves and are refusing to accept responsibility for it. "Has it never occurred to you that not using a condom is tantamount to murder? It is incredibly selfish not to at least have thought that question...make whatever excuses you can to carry on in your state of denial, but this is the fact of the matter." In an extremely poignant moment Larry pondered "Was it my sperm that killed them, that did the trick? It is no longer possible for me to avoid the question of myself. Have you ever wondered how many men you have killed?" Instead of considering this crucial question, we deny each other's humanity and define each other as sex objects, shallow whores who are only looking for the next piece of meat. We're bright and talented but our efforts are focused primarily on partying and sex. "I have recently come to believe that gay men and women are tragic people. We are so wonderful, but we are so fucked up." Our brightness isn't being put to use. "How much public service on behalf of your brothers and sisters have you performed recently? Don't tell me you don't know what to do...if you can find another ass to fuck."

We've lost the war against AIDS with over 70 million expected to die worldwide. But gay youth are in a state of denial and don't want to learn the lessons of their elders. Larry lashed out at the notion that protease inhibitors are any sort of cure. "We like to call it 'the cocktail'." But it's chemotherapy, which either kills the disease or you, and is very difficult to take, with many side effects. "And you say, 'Can't I get stoned and try barebacking one last time?' ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? You kids want to die...well, then die." Hell, youth won't even acknowledge their elders, and how can they have any sense of community without any sense of their past? "Every moral code I know of requires respect for the dead. You disdain anyone older who was there...but you do not seem able to fashion your future. To discover what you want. You don't even ask what you want. How can you not have curiosity about your future as a gay person?...I had people to follow and many of you have not. No baton was passed to you...A large, congealed mass of potentially superior beings doesn't even know what to do with themselves or bother to learn their history. So they dance. So they drug. So they go to the internet to find more sex...You don't seem to be able to connect with anyone beyond the basest way... I'm not so proud of us right now."

In a Q and A afterwards (which demonstrated quite clearly how clueless some gay youth are) someone mentioned the low current attendance at ACT UP meetings. I had a thought on how to get ACT UP and activism going again--free crystal at the meetings! And maybe barebacking how-to demonstrations--KIDDING! Larry laid out his bleak diagnosis and ended with more questions than answers. Maybe it's time for us to start thinking for ourselves... That baton's been passed now, kids. You gonna drop it? Or come out swinging? Or go to the gym and cruise the steam room? Or shop for your next circuit party outfit? Or do another bump, girl?