ABSTAIN FROM ABSTINENCE!

I was just watching CNN's coverage of Kenneth Cole "controversial" NYC CONDOM campaign, which is helping to distribute more free condoms at nightclubs in NYC, which face it, is probably one of the most infected cities in the US. (It's been estimated that 1/2 of NYC gay men have HIV. And AIDS is the #1 killer of 18-35 year old black women nationwide--this is probably higher in NYC. Actually, I guess you can't get much higher than #1.) But bless Kenneth for saying "New Yorkers who are having sex should use a condom and the right price of a condom is free." Amen to that!

I'll illustrate the importance of Kenneth's campaign with a page from my personal experiences. Just the other night, I was at a club and a young man walked in and began eyeing me from the bar. I performed my irresistible twiddling of the "nipples" (actually athletic socks in my bra) while pooching out my lips and sucking the drool in and out of my mouth at a rapid pace. This seductive move seldom fails, and within minutes, the two of us and his seeing eye dog were snuggling in the men's room. Since I was there for a photo shoot with other drags and I'm no tranny-lovin' kai-kai queen, I hadn't seen fit to bring prophlyactics along. Had this young man not had a couple on him, I wouldn't have gotten any "chocolate" for Valentine's Day. I know that blowing a stranger in a bathroom stall isn't most folks' idea of romantic Valentine's celebration, but as the S.O.S Band once said, "Take love where you find it." All this to say, if he hadn't had his own rubber, he might have infected me with AIDS. Again. Can you get it twice? I'm kidding! Or vice versa. For some reason, he claimed to be jamaican but spoke french when ejaculating. (Although one french friend claimed that the words he uttered while--"Mangez-le, cochon!"-- means "Eat it, pig!", I think they were kidding and it really means "I love you".) Obviously, he was a french-speaking haitian, as high a risk group as a NYC drag queen.

Since I had to take a masturbation break from writing this to re-visit our passionate toilet tryst, I'm a bit lost. But I guess I'm trying to say, more condoms in clubs is a great thing! And Kenneth, can we please get some larger ones for us size queens? And African-Americans?

Anyhoo, then the CNN anchor said "Not everyone is happy about the campaign" and cut to Cardinal Egan in a ridiculous robe and hat, who was denouncing the campaign and advocating abstinence. That old fart needs to keep his 13th century fashions and attitudes to himself. I realize that safe sex deosn't seem quite as crucial to catholic religious leaders, since most of their sexual encounters are with altar boys who aren't old enough to be sexually active, much less old enough to have contacted sexually-transmitted diseases. But it is proven that abstinence is an effective way to combat HIV infection. Too bad it goes against everyone's natural sexual desires and is therefore impossible to enforce. But again, we're back to the problem that catholic priests don't have natural sexual desires. They either bury them or molest children or do each other.

The last thing we need is some old fool speaking out against condom distribution. One thing that strikes me as very odd about this Anna Nicole paternity dispute is DIDN'T SHE USE CONDOMS? If my pussy was worth millions, I think I'd protect it a little better. I mean, this heifer's bod was so hot that they are still fighting over it a week after she died! I also think it's very weird that the whole country is shocked over her drug overdose death after watching two seasons of her reality show where she was clearly on such a powerful combo of prescription drugs that she could barely speak. Hell, if slurring your speech gets you a two-season TV show on E!, they should sign my drunk ass up for a lifetime contract!

But even if you're body is not as hot as Anna Nicole's, I watch these endless paternity tests on shows like Maury Povich, Judge Judy, etc with amazement. Do these girls not know that the same semen which carries sperm also carries the possibly fatal HIV virus? Unless these girls are not using condoms because they're hoping to get pregnant to extort child support as detailed in Kanye West's hit GOLD DIGGER, if you ae sleeping around and not using rubbers, you're an idiot! And if Kenneth Cole/government agencies are passing out free condoms and you still aren't using them, I have to ask you: DO YOU WANT AIDS? I know that accidents happen, but if you are routinely putting your life on the line because you "just didn't think about it", then you either have a death wish or you aren't smart enough to stay alive. We know that condoms stop HIV transmission. So use them! And any guy telling you that wearing a rubber doesn't feel as good as going raw, tell 'em what I tell 'em--it feels a helluva a lot better than laying in a damn coffin!