I'VE SUCCUMBED TO OSCAR-MANIA!

I normally despise the Oscars and all the hype surrounding it. "But it's all about the gowns!", fags whine. So view them online the next day, for chrissakes! I usually have to turn the TV off leading up to the awards to avoid the endless "buzz". (Of course, I'm still deafened by the buzz of flies circling my nasty, unwashed ass--soap's getting so expensive these days!) And the brilliant SNAKES ON A PLANE was robbed without a single nod! Still this year, there are a few qualifications which may actually have me tuning in.

I SAW NOTES ON A SCANDAL YESTERDAY AND COULD NOT BELIEVE HOW FANTASTIC IT WAS! I'd heard about the great reviews, but hadn't really read them and had no clue as to what the "scandal" actually was. (I won't give it away cuz I insist that you see it This is one of my favorite films of all time, right up there with THE KILLING OF SISTER GEORGE and HUSH, HUSH, SWEET CHARLOTTE. Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett are both magnificent! Actually, eveyone in the cast is. I typically only notice the script when it's off or the dialogue seems unrealistic, but when Cate's husband screams "I may not have been fucking fabulous, but I was there!", I got the shivers. (Possibly because those words could also describe my "career"?) And of course, Judi's catty narration of her diary entries is scrumptious.



And both women are so lovely. Even when the lighting is set to make Judi's Barbara look more demented and wrinkled than it is, there is something so captivating about that mug and the unusual plane that her eyes are set on. Laugh at fucked-up english teeth all you want, but Judi's overbite is completely adorable. Cate's never looked more alluring, and her stately, snouty beauty is the antidote to all of Hollywood's butchered bimbo's. But fuck their looks! These bitches can act--which the Oscars should be handing out awards for! If either of them wins in Best Actress or Supporting Actress, I think my nelly ass will cry to see such a triumphant performance recognized. That's how much they moved me in this masterpiece. Of course, Cate's competing against Jennifer Hudson who did a fine job in DREAMGIRLS, but I really don't think there's much of a comparison in terms of acting ability. Though I doubt if I'd enjoy Cate belting out AND I AM TELLING YOU as much as I enjoyed Jennifer. But Best Supporting Actresss is not the same as Best Supporting singer. And then there's the adorable brat from the geniusly twisted romp LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE in the same category!

Admit it--BORAT was also the illest thing to come around in years and I can only imagine that hilarious fool's acceptance speech. I'm sure it will top Roberto Begnini's antics in 1999. (On a side note, here is an insane interpretation of what Begnini said at his acceptance speech which I found quite amusing.)

MARIE ANTOINETTE'S gowns were stunning and awfully elaborate, but you know I'll be squealing if my old friend/Wigstock supporter/former employer/she-even-lent-me-her-apartment-in-Miami last year Patricia Field marches her flame-haired dyke ass up to that podium to accept her costumes in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA.

I wouldn't mind seeing Al Gore win SOMETHING for a change, either! And if he doesn't, demand a fucking recount!

And...Diana Ross might sing at the event--a song from DREAMGIRLS! Talk about coming full circle! How bizarre!

Doesn't it seem that sorry, big budget blockbusters were overlooked in favor of off-beat, quality films this year? Of course, I only saw NOTES yesterday, and I haven't even seen THE QUEEN--except for every day in the mirror--but it's delightful to see junk like APOCALYPTO relegated to Best Sound Mixing and make-up categories and UNITED 93 up for Best Film Editing. Maybe american movie-go-ers (or at least the Oscar panelists) are getting tired of big budget, low-talent and no-inspiration crap?