A SHITTY JOB...

But somebody's gotta do it!



HOW TO POOP AT WORK



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the

WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping

at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking

a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING:



When farting, you walk briskly around the office so

the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets

a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be

careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to

make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY:



This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before

pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If

there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch

you  constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE:



This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at

the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is

usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not

acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are

standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend

you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or

laughing makes both parties feel  uneasy.



JAILBREAK:



When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a

machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of

diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do

not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has

left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness

of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH:



The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop

hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime

the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help

you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME:



Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door

after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be

a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and

busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable

walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY

FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:



This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn

proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet

Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

magazine under his or her arm. Always look around

the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before

entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):



A group of co-workers who band together to ensure

emergency pooping goes off without incident. This

group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out

Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS:



A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in

the building where you can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your

sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR:



This is someone who does not realize that you are in

the stall and tries to force the door open. This is

one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that

can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs,

remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye

contact.



CAMO-COUGH:


A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a stall is called a

Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The

Camo-Cough is very effective when used in

conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE:



An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert

potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a

stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall

is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the

bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in

peace.



WATERMELON:



A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud

splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also

an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon

coming on, create a  diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET:


A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud

splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an

Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TODD:



An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger

around forever. This person could spend extended

lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on

the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax

while on the crapper, as you should always wait to

poop when the bathroom is empty.



This benefits you as well as other bathroom

attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the

WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.