November 06, 2012


Due to huge turn-outs at the polls, last night Rachel Maddow recommended wearing comfortable shoes to vote. Love Rachel, but that's somewhat misleading. She's an Elvis Costello-looking diesel dyke who wears comfortable shoes every damn day!

Still, I am taking extra precautions. I'm bringing plenty of food and water--for the gerbils! (I vote at the Gay Community Center and it's kinda cruisy and kinky.)

I'm wearing diapers in case I have to use the bathroom while on line. Busted! I do that every day! Now who's hot and hard? But I am bringing extra paper towels in case the sight of a GOP badge causes me to projectile vomit.

I'm bringing a razor in case the wait is so long that I'm forced to actually--GASP-shave through my foundation! If I'm seen with a beard, people may mistake me for Tom Cruise!

You don't know how long this will take so knock out essential errands first so you can focus on whatever hijinks/tech snafus await you. You don't want to be worried that you may have left your iron on or your dog strapped to the roof.

In case you have to write in a candidate's name, bring an old fashioned quill pen. This will clearly signal to the volunteers that you are fancy folk with mystical powers and that there will be supernatural consequences should your vote be tampered with in any way. Besides, write-in candidates' names like Jesus Christ and Rumplestilskin look so much more regal when executed in real ink with flawless calligraphy.

And finally, steel yourself for disappointment. Longer lines do not refer to cocaine, Special K, angel dust or meth.