SPEAKING IN TONGUES

I don't go to church so it's always interesting to see what today's preachers are talking about. I know that many like the crazily named millionaire Creflo T. Dollar, a real life version of the preacher-pimp played by Richard Pryor in Car Wash, base their careers on teaching their congregations how to make more money. (Forgetting that finding a rich man in heaven is harder than finding a needle in a haystack thing.) I also know that preachers must not be talking about the horrors of war. Because an unpopular unpatriotic anti-war message might lead to empty donation plates when passed around to confused churchgoers who spout contradictory gibberish like SUPPORT THE TROOPS and THOU SHALT NOT KILL simultaneously. So here's what today's preachers are talking about. I'm so glad to see that they're making more sense than ever.