YOU'RE A GAY MAN WHEN...

This is a forward. Most are dead-on, but some are a litle mystifying. Like the one that claims gays have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.



1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.

2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.

4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.

8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

9. You really have "been there, done that."

10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."

12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.

13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.

14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.

17. You know how to get back at just about everyone.

19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.

21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.



23. You've always got an opinion.

24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

25. You know how to dress strategically.

26. Your car has an amusing female name.

27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.

28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.

29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

30. You know that sex complicates things. So?

31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.

32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.

34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

35. You have at least one movie musical on video.

36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.

39. You know how to make an entrance.

40. You know when to make an exit.

41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.

42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

43. You know how to program your VCR.

44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales

46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

48. You know when to play dumb.

49. You know what to do for a hangover.

50. Yes, you do have a condom.

51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.

52. One or more of the following apply to you:

a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra

54. You made Donna Summer a star.

55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.




56. Tanning salons were invented for you.

57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.

58. You know when the party's over.

59. You know where to go after the party's over.

60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of

a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."

64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.

65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.

66. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.

67. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.

67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.

68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand By Your Man."

69. You've been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.

70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.

71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.

72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.

73. You've left someone totally speechless.

74. You've shaved something other than your face.

75. All your friends do not have to "get along".

76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.

77. Your love handles are actually used as such.

78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.



79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.

80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.

81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.

82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.

83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.

84. You know your enemies.

85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.

86. You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.

87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

88. Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.

89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and 'important issues" can be about hair.

90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.

91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.

92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

93. You know, by heart, every line in:

a) All about Eve
b) Steel Magnolias
c) Your face

94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

95. You have 9412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 8136 are non-verbal.

96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.

98. Even if you're in Kansas , you're not in Kansas anymore.

99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.

100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.