December 17, 2006


Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a
gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawncare. How about I
send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?
I'm giving your
older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you can do.
Lo ve, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to
come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me send
you some Legos instead.


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're
gay. I'll set you
up with a Barbie.


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan&nb sp;

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart
in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave
me a bottle of


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China I have a condo in Vegas
where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money
at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping
your house.


Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please,
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get
into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why
you're getting your ass
whipped at sc hool. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your
pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,