MCDONNA

MY RESPONSE TO YOUR RESPONSE TO THE RECENT POST CALLED MAMA, DON'T PREACH:

MCDONNA, BY ALBERT CRUDO



I guess should give ol' McDonna more credit. I've never had more comments on any of my blog posts ever! I often voice opinions which could be construed as controversial, but I've NEVER done so in a foolish attempt to draw people to my site out of controversy. What's could I possibly gain from that? Hi, I'm inviting you to check out my site so you can hate me! I write what I feel, and if people respond, cool. But for those of you who can't believe that anyone would ever dislike your precious pop princess enough to slam her unless they're trying to call attention to themselves, you're dreamin'! If I secretly liked her, but criticized her just to spotlight myself, I'd be guilty of the same empty controversy which I'm accusing her of.

But even if I was...HA HA, SUCKERS!..it worked! Like Madonna, who will gladly eat the hatred of religious leaders who've denounced her cross bit as long as it gets her headlines, I'll accept your hate mail as long as you're visiting my site. I'll learn from this legendary i-con, That's con as in con man.) Every hateful hit I get, including the nasty comments, I can use to sell ads on my blog! So thank you for making that site visitor graph soar! And thank you, Madge! But you'd better not "cross" me again or I'll crucify you!

Hmmm. And for those commenters who indicate that they dislike her as much as I do, maybe I could burn an effigy of her and sell tickets... Nah, that's not scandalous enough to snatch any headlines. Let's mount her on a crucifix and have AIDS-infected children from Africa dance around the effigy. Then have a black Jesus (a la the LIKE A PRAYER video) go to jail for it all while I blow him.

Since popular blog The Wow Report posted a link to my Madonna slam, a lot of strangers to my blog have read MAMA, DON'T PREACH. So let me offer you a little introduction to www.LadyBunny.net. I don't shy away from strong opinions or the twisted, mean-spirited humor which the handful of my fans in my miniscule career have come to expect from me. So if you want all sweetness and light, I suggest you log onto Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm's blog. Oh wait! She doesn't have one anymore, since I KILLED HER. But don't worry, I raped her first.

Part of humor is exaggeration. Of course, I don't actually hope to see Madonna fall off a mechanical horse and break her bones any more than I went around rejoicing when she fell off that real horse and broke her collarbone. I don't walk around chanting "Kill Madonna!" every day. (I do it every other day.) But if you are in such a Pretty Pony TM fag-as-teen-girl mode that you are imagine my post was timed as a cruel birthday present for her because you're sitting in your home hosting a birthday party for her playing her songs all night, then SORRY, but you need to GET IT TOGETHER! My birthday was 8/14 and I didn't even remember that until 2 days before. So I'm certainly not keeping track of the birthday of an entertainer I don't give a shit about!

I dj'ed last night and played HOLIDAY. Everyone shrieked while they danced. I'm well aware of Madge's massive appeal and I like some of her music. I don't deny her appeal to OTHERS, but why are fags so HUNG UP on her that I can't have a different opinion of her without your going on attack mode? It's that slavish devotion which I can't comprehend. One commenter referred to her as the "gay savior." CUCKOO! I actually don't understand the need for a savior of any kind. Yep! Proud to be going to hell--but if your silly ass is relying on a bubble-gum "singer" with lotsa nice costume changes to save you....then you just might be seeing me down there.

Intelligent responses to my writing, even those who disagree, are welcomed, and I thank you for taking the time to write to share your viewpoints. But to the haters out there, lemme tell ya a little BEDTIME STORY. My dad used to always tell me something which I couldn't understood and always hated. Every night he'd tell me, "Do your sister's homework while you suck me off!" I'm kidding! (He never had to tell me to suck him off.) But he did get my goat when he'd accuse me of something, and I'd shoot back "Well Jaan (my sister) did it last week!" He'd then infuriate me by saying "We're not talking about Jaan, we're talking about YOU!" Ooh, that shut me down every time and Good Lourdes! how I despised it throughout my childhood. As an adult, however, I've come to understand that he meant "Don't change the subject. We'll settle the problem at hand you, and then we'll move on to another issue.

Some of you are very childish and could use a word with my dad. You're so incensed that I'd criticize the gospel according to Madge that your first impulse is to attack me. Now I used some strong words and expected a strong reaction. But no insult you can hurl at me addresses my gripe about Madonna's pathetic use of a crucifix in her concert and her senseless attempt to explain it away as a means of focusing on sick kids in Africa. Now she may have inspired you, made you dance, given millions to charity and many other things I cannot ever do, but that doesn't change the fact that slinging herself up on a cross is a calculated, empty use of religious controversy, which she's used before, to grab headlines and sell tickets. But many of her bratty fans can't even hear WHAT I'M SAYING--they can only look at who is saying it. And lash out. It's like those robots in the Austin Powers movie who he short-circuits with his zany dance moves. You can't take any criticism of your idol and seriously weigh it up. You get short-circuited, irrational and go on attack mode.

Hey, I'd vigorously defend my idols, too. No one seems to be attacking Rip Taylor and Charlotte Rae too often these days, but when they do, LOOK OUT! I idolize Patti Labelle, but not so blindly that I can't even hear a differing viewpoint or call her my fucking gay savior, for chrissakes.

And your attacks on me--how predictable! I've already admitted to your main disses in my original post! Like Madonna herself, ya ain't too original. Let's look at what they focused on.

I'M JEALOUS

Again, I admit to this! What performer doesn't dream of sold-out arenas? But if this were plain jealousy on my part, why wouldn't I be smearing other top-selling artists? Just because I'm a performer, my criticisms of a more successful performer lose all their validity? (To an idiot, yes, I guess they do. Bunny, stop talking to yourself.) I wasn't walking around seething with envy when I wrote MAMA, DON'T PREACH, but that crucifix story caught my eye on the news and I thought, "Here she goes with THAT crap again!" Many of you have an attitude of "She sells out stadiums, so there!" I never said she didn't. As tired as I think she is, I never questioned the enormity of her popularity. But I don't value financial success over everything else. Of course, the Material Girl is the product of the 80's "Greed Generation", so maybe many of you do. Meaningless controversy involving religious symbols don't offend you, just make that $. That's all that counts, right?

Adrian Acosta aka Amnesia Sparkles, who has his own blog, touched on an interesting point: Madonna and I are both born under the astrological sign of Leo. Now Leos can supposedly be territorial cats and snap viciously at each other, if you put any stock in astrology. This could have been an initial reason for my dislike of Madge. I caught her Leo vibes and hissed, but she went on to provide many more solid reasons for me to dislike her. A lot of her music, her acting and her PR stunts. I am willing to concede that possibly, my birth sign predisposes me to want to snarl at her. Our birthdays (8/14 and 8/16) are 2 days apart, though Deee-Lite's Lady Miss Kier's birthday falls on 8/15and she and I are close friends. But the moment she starts selling out stadiums again, I'll burn that fucking bitch out of jealousy!


I'M FAT

So I dig pancakes AND pancake make-up! Am I trying to keep this a secret? Or rather, do I joke openly about my double chin, pendulous gut and ever-prescent support hose? But I don't care if I'm a morbidly obese shut-in whose only contact with the outside world other than diner delivery boys is this blog I type with pudgy fingers on a grease-and-crumb-stained keyboard, that does not lessen the validity of my opinion one iota. I have an avid appreciation of female beauty, and though Madonna's had some great looks over the years, her new physique with wiry arms and a waist so worked out that it doesn't curve in anymore doesn't appeal to me. Nothing you can say about my own weight will change my taste in womens' physiques. And as for the fool who is imagining my stretch marks, I ain't got none! I think you have to actually lose weight to attain those, and I never have managed to lose, pumpkin.

I will admit that in the photo I used, Madonna appears to carrying something in each hand, so perhaps her arms seem more muscular than they actually are. Poor thing! Forced to carry her own bags! The shame of it!

Elton John blasted Madonna for her nomination as best live act awhile ago. Why? Because she often lip-synchs at her over-priced concerts. Like me, Elton is overweight. Unlike me, he's a musical legend who can sell out large venues with his treasure trove of heart-felt, magical, inspired-by-something-other-than-"Let's-ride-this-new-trend-and-make-a-hit" masterpieces. I was brought to tears watching him sing accompanying himself on piano--no band, no costume changes, no special lighting and no dancers. Madge tried that too, with a guitar, and even hardcore fans were forced to admit it was skunk. But my point is, Elton wasn't slamming Madonna because he's fat or jealous, as you claim I am. He's reading her because he thinks she's bogus, as I do. Is Elton as outlandish, mean-spirited asshole as I am? Or is he simply unafraid to expose a hoax?

For the record, I never read Madonna for her age. I'm only a few years younger than she. Plus I love my mature divas. Carol Channing and Charo really float my boat, and they've stuck with their trademark looks for decades. I much prefer this to constant reinvention. I guess I'm old-fashioned.

But maybe my advanced age has cause me to recall something which you youngins' don't. As a very sexy, older rock star friend who still sells out stadiums has told me, "Madonna killed music." Before the popularity of MTV, songs were judged by their sound, not the way that the singers looked in a video. Madonna's had some fantastic videos, but she is a pop star who looks great, not a musical powerhouse. I liked her best musically when she was essentially a girl session singer for top-notch producers, with little input. Except for EVERYBODY, which I admit to liking. She wrote it. But her song-writing can be atrocious. Someone mentioned the lyrics in I LOVE NEW YORK:

"I don't like cities, but I like New York
Other places make me feel like a dork"

PEW!

Before you rush to her defense, let's call a truce for a second. If you can stop despising me for just a minute, I'll admit to being a fat, jealous, no-talent cow if you'll just seriously consider those lyrics' on their merit. But I don't think you can call a truce even for a second. I think you're so brain-washed by mediocrity that you can't separate your actual thoughts from the effects of decades of her marketing strategies. If you really consciously love Madonna, then fine. Enjoy her! But if you hate anyone who has a different viewpoint about her, you're a successfully-programmed Moonie who can't think for themselves. I'll never forget a drunk fag running up to me begging me to play the Madoodoo/Shitney duet a few years ago. I said 'I hate that song", which doesn't have a single hook in it. I mean, if you're going to base your career on marketing research, hire decent researchers! The drunk fag's face was cracked as he said "What do you mean? It's Britney and Madonna! What's not to like?" Two successful marketers, who've worked their magic, apparently, on this guy. So brainwashed by these two generations of pop tarts that he's unable to even evaluate their music anymore. THEIR MUSIC: the reason they are supposedly here!

MAMA, DON'T PREACH was forwarded to two gays in the music publishing business. Consider that they might have a bit more knowledge about behind the scenes biz talk than you or I. Both agreed with me wholeheartedly on the post and commended me for my insight. One of them took me to task for one point, that I'd said Madonna can "dance OK." His words:

"All is I can say is that you could not be more accurate in your views on Madonna. I have had countless debates with the kids as to why I think she is overrated and certainly not worthy of the all praise she gets. I am so sick of hearing people say "I love Madonna because she "constantly" reinvents herself". Puhleeze!! More like bites, borrows, and pimps, gay culture, black culture, latin culture, and everything else she can get her hands on.
 
You actually gave her more credit than I would. (You mentioned that she "can dance ok.") Honestly, I'm still waiting for this artist who is known for her dance music to bring it to me in terms of dancing. All that yoga, posing, etc, does not really qualify as dance in my book. And her VOGUE in 1990 was tired, she should have really studied how the kids bring it at the balls and Christopher Street and then she might have done it justice."

The only other footage I saw from the tour was of the mechanical horse. The horse was less mechanical than Madonna! Another concession: I did not see the concert. One sweet commenter who sent me a personal email vigorously disagreed with MAMA, DON'T PREACH. He claims that Madonna brings up lots of relevant issues in her concert. I'll admit that my only exposure was through news clips and articles online which included her publicist's quotes. I did NOT see the CONFESSIONS tour. Another commenter suggested that I spend the $300+ on a ticket to see it instead of drugs. How about this? If you really wanna convince me that she's so great, chip in and send me $600+ and I'll buy a ticket and see her on lots of very good drugs. Maybe I'll have a religious experience and she'll become my "gay savior." Or maybe I'll scalp the ticket and actually have an enjoyable evening.

Besides thanking regular commenter Aaron for watching my lard-covered back and keeping the haters from the comments section in line, that's all I have to say on this subject. From all these comments, it's clear that that many gays love their Madonna. I sure wish they cared a little less about defending some "singer" and a little more about the pitiful situation the world, including their hanging-by-a-thread civil rights, is in. It seems they'd rush to defend a straight zillionaire or vote on AMERICAN IDOL before they'd even take the time to defend themselves! But, crushed, I have to admit that it's possible to worship McDonna and a social conscience. Though from some of the comments, I'm not sure that Maonna worship can co-exist with the study of spelling, grammar or punctuation. MUAH!

And if you need any more evidence of her tired publicity stunts, she recently announced that she and hubby Guy would be renewing their wedding vows. Right. So you're swamped on tour for months and suddenly decide to renew your li'l ol' wedding vows via a press release. To me, this seems like a calculated announcement to either get more press for the show or get out a positive story in the midst of the religious controversy, which is getting a little too hot. Designed to send the sweet message. "Awww. They're still in love. They want to re-do the traditional religious rite which unites them." Bullshit! This manipulative woman would even pimp out the love for her husband to tweak her image/sell tickets.

A comment from SFGATE.COM

Her people are shooting out a release a day trying to recover from the crucifixion toe-stubbing. Madonna donates. Madonna will renew her vows. What's next? Is she gonna adopt a baby? Shave her head for charity? Make another movie? NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, BACK ON THE CROSS!!!