US PORTS SAFETY SHOCKER!

NEW EVIDENCE THAT US PORTS ARE STILL UNSAFE


The Dubai Ports Deal was roundly rejected since it was percieved that a transfer of power to the United Arab Emirates might leave us vulnerable to seaside terrorist attacks. True or not, the appearance of a shady-looking veiled muslim character, rumored to be a man, was seen lurking around the vicinity of NYC's South Street Seaport on Monday. The outrageous figure didn't even raise an eyebrow from Bridgewaters' security as "it" entered a glitzy, celebrity-filled benefit for Village Care NY, a grass roots AIDS assistance program. Why, I could have been a drug smuggler, illegal immigrant, exposive packer, or packing a pocketbook full of anthrax! In that disguise, I could even have been..............................................................................


OSAMA "BUN" LADEN!




OK, OK, so it was me! I'll be sporting this veil for quite a while since when I get electrolysis, I'm unable to wear make-up from the nose on down and this veil is a perfect concealer. Everyone seems to love it and I'm getting the creepy notion that the more I cover up, the better I look! (Any of my many Afghanistani (sp?) readers out there have an emailable burqa pattern?) Plus, those cab-drivers just love that I'm tipping my hat to their culture! And cabbies ain't all. I was stunned when I heard a "Yo ma!" emanating from a voice behind me as I scurried to work, late as usual. Behind me was a 20-year old papi in a light blue and white track suit with blinged-out earrings who wanted to "have" this mystery lady!! (You're all like "Bunny, you of all people don't need a fucking veil to mystify us!") If only he could have caught a glimpse of what was underneath that veil! I'm not sue the redness, swelling and scabs would have get his interest "up." Since continued electrolysis has prevented me from seeing Freddie, I may have to take a friend's recommendation and cut a hole in the "glory-veil" before he loses interest!

Just to put an end to any pesky rumors:

I am not using this veil to conceal plastic surgery wounds. Trust me, you'll soon see me without the veil and I won't look any better!

I am not using the veil to cover up herpes sores or syphillis chancres. I've had these for years--why would I suddenly need to conccoct a veiled ensemble to hide them?

Monday, I had a jam-packed schedule. A trick at 8:30AM, then jury duty, then 3 hours of electrolysis beard-burning with the requisite double dose of valium and xanax to knock me out, and then jumped into springtime muslim drag for a dj gig at the annual Tulips and Pansies Headdress Ball to benefit an AIDS organization called Village Care.



Thankfully, my drag sister Jesse Volt of Lips fame was on hand to entertain me. She'd been hired to impersonate Joan Rivers at the entrance, complete with a dummy mike, and to aggravate attendees with "Who are you wearing"-type questions. I didn't see her in action but the whore has a big mouth and I'm sure she was a hoot. Jesse also impersonates Cher. She's done both Cher and Joan for years--can you imagine how expensive that must be to keep up with their respective surgeries? From the looks of this pic, Jesse obviously economizes for her own surgeries by buying cheap wigs!

JESSE VOLT AS JOAN RIVERS OUTSIDE THE FULTON STREET FISH MARKET (An evil queen might make some "There's a troll under that bridge!", but this is a classy site, as you know.)



Thought I'd include a glamor shot of Jesse without the Joan glasses, as well. I know this pix a little blurry, but at Jesse's and my age blurry's a good thing!



Jesse takes his impersonations seriously, and in addition to the clothing and wigs he must buy for each character, he's had to have keep up with Joan and Cher in the cosmetic surgery department as well! I met Cher at a Kevyn Aucoin make-up line launch several years ago and I knew that Kevyn done her make-up for the festivities. I was all prepared to run up to her, study her face for a sec and suggest "You really should have Kevyn do your make-up sometime", just to read them both in a friendly way. But as soon as she saw me, her eyes lit up and the goddess enthused "I saw you on HBO's DRAG TIME!", seeming very excited to meet me. She thrust her hand out for me to shake it and I was so stunned that I was only able to remove one of her rings. I know she's gone overboard on the surgery in most people's eyes and many cling to her Sonny and Cher-period beak and crooked teeth period, but I must say, she looked radiant up close.

JOAN RIVERS WITHOUT MAKE-UP



Ms. Rivers has had some procedures which give her a "Joan from the Black Lagoon" effect. It's an amphibian look quite common with sex changes who chop their noses down so far that their brow ridges appears more prominent next to a button nose, with pooched-out trout pout to complete the resemblance. But I have to say, that though Joan looks unnatural and totally surgerized, she DOES look prettier! I remember seeing those RABBIT TEST publicity pix and thinking "This gal is a real dog." Her hair during RABBIT TEST was also a crazily high-lighted, badly damaged fried frizz. After the 1978 flick bombed, I think she must've said "Bring on the fags to start doing my hair and styling me", cuz she looked great during her 80's talk show. She's no longer a dog, she's an attractive amphibian freak. And at least she jokes about her surgery, ya know. Not only was that hilarious commercial recently where Joan's unmistakeable voice came out of an old woman's body hawking I don't recall what, but I once co-hosted a Barney's benefit with her where she literally walked with a floppy-brimmed hat covering her freshly-lasered mug AND NO MAKE-UP. She was hilarious and usual and even got in a jew/nazi joke about the cosmetic procedure. "Oh! It hurts like hell! My doctor--I think he's a German!"

But back to the benefit! I don't normally recognize socialites, but a few downtown types fell through:

MOTHER FLAWLESS SABRINA AND TWO CO-WHORE-TS



THE TRES CHIC UNIDENTIFIED PIANIST FROM THE PINK CHAMPAGNE ORCHESTRA. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE PALOMA PICASSO, YES?



SOME BEDAZZLED, BEGUZZLED ROYALTY FROM THE IMPERIAL COURT OF NEW YORK



AND THE COURT'S EMPRESS OF LAST YEAR, ROBIN KRADLES



Though you rarely spot one in a club, these imperial gals often attend higher end charity functions that I've dj'ed for, like BOATHOUSE ROCKS and such. I guess they feel at home at ritzy affairs with live bands, crystal glasses and gourmet h'odeuvres. Trash like me has given up on finding a rich husband and prefers to ogle the help, like this intoxicating morsel, who came complete with free booze!



AND CHECK OUT THIS TEMPTING PIECE OF MEAT! NO! THE ONE ON THE RIGHT! SLURP! SLOBBER! SLOBBER!



I popped backstage before my dj duties began to find the dressing room abuzz with last minute preparations, including the finishing touches being placed on this show-stopping rosy oversized cowboy hat.



I think flowers are a common if not required theme to the headdresses, so we saw all kinds of effects from the enormous gravity-defying seven-foot headdress worn by Flawless (she was mock-staggering as if struggling to maintain her balance) to this next creation. I'm sorry, maybe this guy, who was very pleasant, enjoys showing off his hot body and cute smile at every opportunity, and if he's showin' 'em, then he's happy.


But how would you feel if you were an aspiring model, hoping to be noticed by the right power-broker, and you arrived to find that what you were to be wearing down the runway was a mess of curling twigs with a McDonalds' hamburger box woven in? Don't get me wrong. That's the vision of a designer who took their time to donate their design to a very worthy cause. Maybe the McDonald's part was just too high concept for a country girl like me to appreciate.

More successful was this stunning oversized brimmed affair trimmed with fresh flowers and chic matching suit.




YOUR HOSTS


The proceedings were emceed by the above EXTRA's bubbly Tanika Ray, shown here with the warm head of operations at Village Care, Celebrity judges inclued a soap star and a fashion columnist who watched dazzling creations from Bill Blass, Marc Jacobs, Heatherette and Kenneth Cole. But what really stole the show was a black orthodox monk with AIDS, who'd been a recipient of Village Care's services. Tears rolled into his beard as he told the crowd the heartbreaking tales of his illness and of his battle to reconcile his homopobia (he was straight) with the church and his desire to help others with AIDS, even those who were gay and who he'd previously denounced. Standing in font of a crowd of fancy folk and describing how as an AIDS victim, Village Care personnel sat there with him as he was, in his words, "shitting himself", took our minds off the colorful creations on the runway and back to the sobering real reason we were all assembled there. Scat porn! Seriously, you gotta tip your hats to these socialites who attend AIDS benefits. It's that old noblesse oblige thang. The government sure as hell ain't takin' care of the AIDS victims (do I hear Katrina victims either?) and has slashed the budgets of prevention and care programs nationwide. So somebody has to look out for them. Moved by the spirit of togetherness and the noble notion that we all must pitch in to fight this battle for the sick and down-trodden, in an unscheduled moment, I myself leapt to the stage for an impromptu modelling session.



You may notice from the abundance of empty seats that my "runway" made the guest run away. But it's the thought that counts, right? I was just eager to help, and since I've noticed on their website that they offer mental health services, I may well be strengthening my ties with this organization in the future. VCNY.ORG