NOTES ON LA

I worship NYC so much that twice in the past year, after an absence of 2 weeks or more, I've literally burst into tears at the sight of the sky-line. I'm not joking. OK, maybe the tears had a little something to do with heroin withdrawal. But I knew from the second I arrived in "Girl-hattan", as Aussie drag Lovey calls it, I'd never leave!

It's taken me a decade to warm up to LA. My first visit was bitterly disappointing--it's a big, tacky highway connecting fast food stores with service stations. I remember thinking, "Wow! Hollywood's pr people have really managed to trick people into thinking it was a glamorous hotspot." Every time I'd see footage of a premiere at Graumann's Theater it's buzzing with excitement. But when you actually get there, it's practically a ghost-town with a few stragglers, cuz NOBODY WALKS IN LA. Nowadays, the street is littered with "actors" dressed as popular cartoon characters who'll take photos with your brat, and I got to see a half-assed, miserable Marilyn Monroe dejectely addressing Spiderman in some eastern european tongue. Then her white BUS STOP-style skirt flew up to reveal a huge schlong that squirted blood onto a hotdog bun which she fed to an Asian tourist's brat. The brat's mom grabbed the hot dog and said "No, you can't eat that..not yet!" and then she shit on it while blowing her father's scabby meat until he came and vomited simultaneously. She wiped the mess up with an American flag and then burned it. She then handed me her card for the family's act. And what do they call it? THE ARISTOCRATS. (Please disregard this "joke" if you haven't seen the film.)

Anyhoo, I don't drive, so cruising is out of the question LA. There doesn't seem to be much of a sexual vibe there. I guess if you are able to drive to the hotspots it's easier, but I've never understood the concept of cruising someone you pass in a car. For one thing, you can't even see their crotch or even how tall they are! But you're also risking life and limb to crane your neck and see, 2 lights down the road, if they are craning their's too. I guess cruising in cars works if you're into status symbols and can judge from someone's wheels whether you like them or not. But I'm used to NYC, which has a street scene that makes it sooooo much easier. People's attitude seems to be "I'm interested, you're interested. So why not?" I really need to physically walk past someone to check them and their body language out. I think that's one reason malls are so popular with teens. It recreates a "village" environment which is missing in car towns where people even drive to their next door neighbor's houses. The kids must crave the type of physical interaction which enables them to see and yes, even smell each other.

One mexican truck driver did slow down and try to pick me up, but he wasn't very aggressive so I lost interest. Mexican guys can dazzle the eye with their movie star looks, but they lack the swagger of the NYC latinos. I am not turned on by a "I-might-be-interested-but-I'm-a little-timid-about-approaching-you" attitude. Or maybe they just don't want me and I'm dreaming that they don't have the courage! Hee hee! Wouldn't be the first time!

I'm a slut in NYC, so with hunting for sex out of the equation, I had a lot more free time on my hands. And I don't want to get all dippy Californian on ya, but a clean slate and an absence from the New York "edginess" really made me feel "centered" (I know, yucch!) and allowed what was important to me to come to the fore. And what was that? Sex! I hadn't gotten laid in a fucking week! I consoled myself with House of Pies' coconut cream.

That was in between gigs. My first night I attended the PETA gala. I also interviewed Archbishop Carl Bean for my Genre magazine column. West End Records is releasing a remix of Carl's classic I WAS BORN THIS WAY, an underground anthem put out by Motown in '77, about the same time as Thelma Houston's DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY. It's pretty extraordinary that Motown signed an openly gay artist at that time, but then again they'd also signed the Dynamic Superiors in the early 70's, which featured an extremely effeminate lead singer who sometimes performed in drag. Would a major label put out a gay act today? A primarily black label? I doubt it, but that makes Carl's position as an openly gay disco artist all the more unique.

The first time I heard the song an English dj couple were spinning at the Pyramid (apparently the track was a bigger hit in England than in the states) and I ran to the booth to ask them what it was. Full gospel vocals and kick-ass production which turned out to be arranger Norman Harris and drummer Ron "Have Mercy" Kersey, the guys behind the Philly Soul grooves like the voguing anthem LOVE IS THE MESSAGE. Often sampled, it still works on a dancefloor and thankfully, remixer DJ Gomi abandoned his hard-house stylings to let the original orchestration shine through, simply juicing up the drums a little.

So I was a little nervous about the interview. Carl was responsible for one of those majorly thrilling slices of disco history. Besides, was he going to be one of these stiff religious types now that he'd abandoned secular music? Nope. He couldn't have been more charming. I cabbed it to his United at 10:00 am. I turned the tape on and "Carla" went off. No questions needed. And what a fascinating story to tell. It appears in the November issue of Genre.

Another reverend drove me home, and noticed that the traffic lights were out. The LA black-out. I suggested that we go looting, and I'm not sure how well that went over with the good father. (He was so cute I wanted to call him "Daddy.") We chatted freely, and since the ride was a long one with everyone having to yield with no traffic lights, naturally our converstion turned to politics. I got to ask a few of the questions I'd intended for Archbishop Bean. One is, isn't it dangerous to have faith, if in fact you're wrong? I think Dubya has faith in his policies. He probably feels that god is in control and speaking directly to him and that all he has to do is heed god's word. But we all know there is nothing christian about killing innocent people in Iraq or falsifying intelligence in order to obtain the nation's sanction to kill them. So although Bush isn't even able to comprehend his own religion, he forges on with faith. The same faith that the ring-leaders of the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem witch-hunts had. The same faith that makes people become suicide bombers. A lot of horrors have been committed in the name of religion. Would most people agree that these people should have had faith and not questioned their actions? Of course not. Even if you believe that god is speaking to us all, some of us have hearing problems!

Personally, I don't understand the concept of faith. It seems to refute everything you've learned in exchange for blindly believing. For example, I know good and well that if I stick my hand over a flame it will burn. Should I have faith that it won't burn and stick it over the flame anyway? In that respect, faith, like brainwashing, seems to fly in the face of common sense. (But then how do you explain fakirs or American Indians who lie on beds of nails or walk on hot coals without injury? Isn't their faith protecting them?) It's mystery to me, but the reverend didn't have a complete answer and even conceded that he saw the "faith issue" as a sticking point which made some turn away from organized religion.

On a lightpost in Hollywood I saw a sign which read:

9/11 and New Orleans. Repent or LA could be next. Luke 13:5

I'm in London where they don't have bibles in hotel rooms so I can't look this scripture up. Does anyone know what it refers to? I just think it's frightening that anyone with a view this backward can use a computer and print their signs. I personally don't see any connection between the two disasters 9/11 and Katrina--other than the fact that with both, the warnings were ignored and the post-operations were bungled by Bush. But I guess if you are christian, you believe that god is responsible for everything. I wonder why "he" sent Katrina? Were those evacuees "bad people" like the my perverted ancestors in Sodom and Gommorah?

from the Washington Post: