FOR MOMMA'S DAY

I called my mom (Lady Becky) for Mother's Day and she said "I never had any problems with you." I said "Really? None?" to which she replied, "Well, you see I didn't have another one after you. And if you had been the first there might not have been a second!"

Apparently, I was quite a crybaby. To soothe me to sleep, the doctor recommended that a tablespoon of bourbon be added to my bottle. Mom said "I had never set foot in a liquor store before!" (No, mom. You'd just hung around outside them in skimpy outfits...KIDDING!) "I was afraid that a tablespoon in 5/6 bottles a day would make you an alcoholic." (So it's not my fault. Is it too late to sue for malpractice?) Then, I was prescribed Piptol by another physician. I asked what that was and mom said "I don't know. I'm not sure they still make it." Giggling, she added, "they probably took it off the maket cuz it did something bad to people." When the bourbon and Piptol failed, another doc on my "team of top-notch international specialists" recommended inserting a "sleeping suppository', and to turn off the lights and just leave me crying. (Some things never change. I still regularly find myself in dark rooms crying while someone shoves something up my ass.) Mom said "I felt like that was abandonment." (No, maw, I never felt abandoned by you, but sometimes I longed to experience it!)

I OWE MY MOTHER....big time!! (poached from the web)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"