January 09, 2015


THE ONIONL "Seriously, if it weren't for cold-weather prostitutes, I don't think I'd ever leave the house," he added.

More resistant to heavy wear and tear than ordinary street whores, these high-performance prostitutes provide Chicago residents with optimal handling under the roughest of conditions, a firmer grip on ultra-slick surfaces, as well as greater rear-end balance. In addition to improved start and stop capabilities, the prostitutes are also able to absorb the bumpiest of rides.

"I'm the kind of guy who likes to feel in control at all times, and cold-weather prostitutes give me just that," said resident Charles Wentel, adding that he was first turned on to the seasonal whores by his father. "With other prostitutes I would always worry about how they'd react to unpredictable situations or whether they had the flexibility necessary to take on any and all jobs."