January 03, 2011


I just walked past a poster in subway for the new show Girl Who Like Boys Who Like Boys on the Sundance Channel. I’ve never watched a thing on this channel. But because of the name recognition with the film festival which inspired it, I imagined that it might possess some of it’s namesake’s cache. Wrong!

Actually, I’ve only seen clips of the reality show on their website, but I don’t even need to see anything but the title to feel disgust that such a show would be created for a straight audience. If gays and their ways are fascinating enough to warrant a mainstream TV show, then we’re worthwhile enough people to be treated equally in society by you, selfish straight fuckers. If we make such great friends and give women such phenomenal makeovers, then it’s time to for you to return the favor and give us our due! Hell, we even made over straight guys--the demographic most likely to bash us--on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. And doesn’t it strike any of those clueless brides as ironic on that David Tutera, the queen selecting their trousseaus for them on My Fair Wedding, can’t get married his damn self?

I wonder if this is similar to what blacks felt like watching images of themselves in Hollywood before “coloreds” even had the right to vote, serve in the military or drink out of the same water fountains, while whites lapped up negro culture? I know it’s touchy to draw a parallel between the struggle of enslaved African-Americans and gays’ quest for civil rights. There are many differences between the two groups: slaves were forced into the dark, dank bowels of ships, chained together and humiliated as they writhed in their own feces and urine. Gays call these backrooms and enter them willingly. Also, the slaves didn’t have meth. But where was I?

If Ellen’s so charming and funny then why on earth would straights want to withhold her rights to marry her sweetheart? She’s freely welcomed into living rooms nationwide on a daily basis, yet most Americans obviously feel that her own domestic status should be limited. What is this disconnect? Gays aren’t just bright, campy puppets to be dangled for straights’ entertainment purposes and then discarded. We have a life off-screen as well and deserve to live as equals among you—even those of us who can’t offer you a style metamorphosis. Surely those of you who enjoy us most on TV should be the most vigorously championing our rights. This double standard is wearing thin. President Obama made an It Gets Better video and declared that gays aren’t second class citizens. Then end all discrimination now! And no, repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell isn’t enough.

I appear as a judge on RuPaul’s Drag U on Logo. The basic premise of the show is that contestants from RuPaul’s Drag Race transform real women into glamazons. The show was created because Drag Race had a surprisingly large numbers of female viewers. All craving that gay makeover which can cinch, pluck and paint the wondrous way to a new you.

Why is it that gays even know so much about walking runway and the different effects of various clothing’s styles and colors in the first place? Many of us learned the hard way. If we swished a little too much we got beaten up, so we became painfully aware of our gestures. And that day we felt all fab and wore that too colorful shirt to school, we got our asses kicked as a result. So we know which looks work where. It’s called survival for us.

And we’ll happily divulge our styling secrets. But not for free. In return for our lessons, we need for you gals to make sure and teach your sons and your husbands to stop hurting and killing us. The only tips we can give you from intensive care is about hospital gowns, OK? If we’re so talented and such productive members of society and indispensable friends to you, then you need to soften your own attitudes too, ladies. Every time you go into that voting booth and gay marriage or an anti-discrimination law is on the ballot. This is a threat: Our magical tips can vanish as quickly as they appear. So unless we get what we want at the polls, you’ll all turn back into trolls!