October 11, 2010


Do not waste a dime on the “thriller,” Let Me In. Hey, I’m as big a fan of a vampire suckfest as the next queen—in fact I’m partial to any kinda suck-fest, except for Hedda Lettuce poorformances. But this turkey bites the big one—there’s not enough scary action to sink your fangs into.

There’s certainly no lack of homosexual eroticism. A lovely and very ethereal/effeminate kid with a nerdy-yet–kinda trendy haircut is picked on by the school bullies.(Because we couldn’t sympathize with a bullied nerd unless his hair just happened to be stylish? That’s our Hollywood, for ya!) Plenty of half-dressed skirmishes and scenes of submission. And face it, gays: we see that every day in the steam room at the gym. As if my fat ass knows what goes on in a gymnasium!

After loads of completely depressing close-up huge,,luminous eyes, exquisite upturned noses and of young, unlined skin with nary a whisker sprouted upon it, you start to feel really guilty because all of these beauties are 12. And I don’t know about you, but 12 is waaaaaaay too old for me. The kid has some sort of Carrie-esque mental powers but this usually fails to save him from the brat pack at school. Because his powers conveniently and inexplicably vanish for the rest of the film! No screenplay Oscar for this crap!

And then he meets an attractive blonde girl with big feet who announces that she’s not really a girl. Kinda like how all of my dates feel! So we have a 12-year old sissy with super-powers linking up with a 12 year old tranny vampire. I caught this flick in San Francisco after meeting a guy who sold mango sorbet laced with hashish, so I’m not 1000% clear on what was happening after I came--those blasted brown bottle poppers are a kiki! But I think the plot involves the tranny’s daddy/mentor vampire becoming too old to fetch his own blood. He doesn’t even bite his victims, but strings them upside down, stabs them in the neck and catches the drippings in a funnel? Puh-lease! He lets on that he’s gotten so sloppy that maybe he wants to get caught. Aww. Da poor widdle vampire is tired of dwinking bwood.

He up and dies--which I didn’t think vampires could do—and Miss Tranny-wannabe takes over as head blood-sucker. If I were you, I’d exit the theater at this point.. Unless you wanna stick around for a surprise ending which tops everything. Sadly, it only tops everything in the boredom factor so you walk out feeling totally cheated. My cinema companion, San Francisco drag legend Heklina, left within the first 10 minutes. I don’t suggest you give it that long. Save your coins for that Hallowe’en costume!