AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT?

THE ONION: Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague

According to recently discovered journals, the 14th century's rat-feces-smeared men of science were at a total loss to explain how the Black Death was able to spread so quickly across Europe.



The rodent-gnawed documents, which were recovered by historians from various filthy sites in England and France, provide scholars with a unique glimpse into just how utterly perplexed rat-shit-soiled physicians were by the plague's rapid dissemination.

"Verily, as I brush'd a thin layer of vermin dung from my eyes to espy with clearer gaze, I saw to my amazement that our entire village had somehow run afoul of this vile and horrendous pox," doctor of physick Osbert Langley of Gloucester wrote in a journal entry dated Mar. 19, 1349. "I ran immediately home, swept the festering rats from my laboratory table, and set about devising an elixir of perry and gillyflowers to help combat whatever could possibly be causing this devilish epidemick."

THEONION