March 22, 2009

DICKIPEDIA.ORG

DICKIPEDIA.ORG is a new site, as informative if a little more caustic, than Wikipedia.org. The "dicks" like Bernie Madoff and Condoleezza Rice are included, along with many more. Here are some excerpts from the Dickipedia entry on leprechauns which I found quite amusing.

Leprechauns are mythological creatures inhabiting the island of Ireland, faerie folk, and dicks.
According to lore, the leprechaun is often a cobbler who is prone to mischief and keeps a crock of gold at the end of a rainbow.



While American folk storytellers created, for example, the myths of Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, and Ronald Reagan, the Irish take pride in tales of midget shoemakers who bury gold in a location that can be spotted by anyone with the ability to look up.

It is unclear why leprechauns won't give us their gold, but they appear to be holding out on us simply because they are a bunch of dicks.

Leprechauns have existed in Ireland for hundreds of years, though for most of those years they existed primarily in poems and songs and not as the American mascot for binge drinking.

Leprechauns are the national fairy of Ireland. Among developed countries, Ireland is ranked first in number of national fairies, but, quite interestingly, last in chance of being taken seriously by anyone.

Leprechauns are not the only fairies in Ireland, interestingly, because what would an Irish folkcreature be without a counterpart folkcreature that is just a drunken version of the original. The Clurichaun, apparently, is a leprechaun that goes out for drinks after work and ends up riding people's sheep around at night.

This would be like if Americans had an alternate version of Sasquatch that went on a McDonalds benders then passed out in your living room watching reruns of America's Best Dance Crew.

Trickery

No historical evidence exists as to the exact origin of the beef leprechauns seem to have with we non-fairies, it's fair to say that if you were a small-statured, colorfully dressed gentleman with satchels of gold, you would probably subjected to a significant amount of harassment in a country notorious for public intoxication.

In Ireland, the leprechaun is well known for tricking poor countryfolk into thinking they are going to be rich, only to have them later discover they were exploited for the amusement of the leprechaun and his friends. In America, this creature is known as VH1.

Questionable financial practices

For hundreds of years, leprechauns have been engaging in financial practices that are suspicious and ill-advised at best. For example, is a well-known fact that leprechauns keep their savings in giant crock pots, which, even in theory, is highly risky.
The circumstances have yet to be explained concerning how and where leprechauns came into possession of the gold coins they stockpile across the countryside—especially on a shoemaker's salary—though observers might speculate involvement of some sort of organized crime syndicate, horserace fixing scandal, or other criminal enterprise wherein the presence of a bunch

It also remains unclear as to why there is such ignorance amongst the leprechaun community about the existence of banks.
These practices of collecting gold and then hiding it in pots are particularly despicable in light of the current worldwide economic struggles. With the stock markets in such flux, the modern leprechaun insistence upon hoarding capital—even in a volatile market—is just the kind of fiscal isolationism that prevents market stimulation and, therefore, should be considered selfish and unpatriotic.

Offensive to the Irish

In much of the world, leprechauns in popular culture simply depict an amalgamation of silly Irish stereotypes, much to the dismay of the Irish.

For example, while the leprechaun is short, wily, and a shoemaker, many Irishmen are tall, dull, and possess horrible taste in casual footwear.

Specifically, the Ireland tourism board has sought to rid themselves of the leprechaun stereotype and to educate the world about the many other historic wonders of Ireland, such as whiskey and the Guinness factory.

Sightings

Like many mythological creatures, leprechauns were most likely first sighted by the drunkest person you've ever met. Perhaps when encountering a dwarf who dropped some change.

In 2006, an internet phenomenon commenced when a news report about supposed leprechaun sightings in Crichton, Alabama was posted on the popular web-video service, YouTube.

In the most common circumstance, you were shown this video by a boorish friend who thought it was "so f-ing hilarious, dude," though you harbored a quiet suspicion that his enjoyment of the video was mostly based on its not so subtle characterization of working class African-Americans who lack access to quality public education. Likely, this is the same gentleman who, during his collegiate years, went by a nickname derived from a deli meat and most recently sent you an email about Barack Obama that certainly tiptoed the line of prurient taste.

Leprechauns in popular culture


Film

While other mythological creatures like dragons, unicorns, and virgins have fared well in modern cinema, the same cannot be said for the leprechaun, which was featured in arguably the worst franchise in film history.
The Leprechaun series began harmlessly enough with Leprechaun, a bad horror movie costarring a young Jennifer Aniston in her least complainy role to date, but ended quite disappointingly 6 movies later with Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood, a film Entertainment Weekly described as follows: "If a movie could spark a race riot, this is it."

Breakfast

During the 20th Century, leprechauns invented the dick-cereal known as Lucky Charms to capitalize on the weak and susceptible minds of American children. Using cutesy commercials about a humorous leprechaun, Lucky Charms was able to incite incredible demand for what seemingly amounts to pure sugar and circular shaped pieces of cardboard. This blatantly poor nutritional value left them, as adults, completely susceptible to advertising for other leprechaun products such as Irish Spring Soap and Catholicism.


DID YOUR FAVORITE DICK MAKE THE LIST? FIND OUT AT DICKIPEDIA.ORG

4 Comments:

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Anonymous Gordon said...

That was hilarious! I love that kind of clever sarcasm. It's so much better than bitchy sarcasm.

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