WISDOM FROM THE WEB

Someone forwarded this to me--pretty funny.

SUMMARY OF MY PAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
>on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
>needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
>reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
>Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
>the
> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
>out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>water buffalo on a hot day
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
>remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
>car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
>microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for
>life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
>Al
> Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
> American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
> Singapore, and Uzbekistan
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
>their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
>it
> bites my butt.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
> the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
> companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
>this
> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
>you
> to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
>happened
> to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
>husband's cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day....
>
> Oh, by the way.....
>
> A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
> discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
>e-mail
> with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
>