THE REAL DEAL BEHIND BRITNEY'S VMA FLOP

First of all, to all of Britney's defenders I have this to say:

IF YOU THINK THAT AN AGING, DRUNK OVERWEIGHT PERFORMER WHO CAN'T DANCE OR EVEN REMEMBER HOW TO LIPSYNCH TO HER OWN LYRICS IS SUCH HOT SHIT, THEN YOU SIMPLY MUST SEE ONE OF MY SHOWS, DARLING--YOU'D LOVE IT! IT'S BUNNY, BITCH!--THAT WHORE SHITNEY STOLE MY ENTIRE ACT!

Jokes aside, I'd actually like to defend her for a change. She's not fat at all! God, they criticize the anorexics like Nicole Ritchie and Christina Ricci non-stop but heaven help you if you put on a pound or two--especially after birthin' two babies! I guarantee you that there are very few straight men who would look at that Britney's slight tum-tum and not want to fuck her. She's still sexy. Maybe a bikini wasn't the ideal wardrobe choice, but the press is practically calling her obese! And I really liked her "hair"--at least it wasn't that hideous brown wig with a headband at the hairline or her bald egghead look.

The press also greatly exaggerated 25 Cent's reaction shot. The NY Post claimed that it looked like "he threw up in his mouth a little bit." Honey, he had the same expression on his face as he always does: I'm an evil jerk-off who'll fuck you up if you mess with me. The press also reported that Rihanna was laughing at Brit. I haven't seen her in a bathing suit but that carribean queen is stunning and certainly not overweight. But guess what, Rihanna? You can probably dance better than Britney, but hearing you sing live in your whiny voice made ME wanna cry out "S.O.S. please someone help me."

Which brings me to my real point. Wanna know the real reason Britney shocked everyone with her failed comeback? LOOK IN THE DAMN MIRROR! It's anyone who ever thought she was any sort of artist to begin with! A con-artist , maybe. Millions of you actually believed that this manufactured pop tart actually had some talent. FOR ALMOST A DECADE! Every song, hairstyle, dance move and outfit has been chosen for this pre-packaged mess. Do you think she EVER had anything to say with her music accept buy me and then buy more? And like fools, you bought it! You ought to be criticizing yourselves for your absolutely shit taste in bubblegum "music". Or how you fell hook, line and sinker for her managers' marketing plan summarized below:

1ST ALBUM: Dress her like an innocent but sexy school girl singing about getting "hit"--aka fucked--one more time.

2ND ALBUM: "Oops!" She's grown up a little, "she played with your heart" and is "not that innocent". Stay tuned, simpletons.

(A rat-faced former Mickey Mouse club member who can sing her ass off looks on with dismay at what she thought would be a flash in the pan.)

3RD ALBUM: Complete whore gyrating to I'M A SLAVE 4 U. She's not just an adult bad girl now, she even hints at S&M! But pull back a little from this new-found open sexuality with the cheesy, if pretty, I'M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN just in case SLAVE bombs and her audience still wants little sweet baby girl Britney. So poor that they actually include an interview on the album because they couldn't come up with one extra song to showcase her talent. An even the interview's a crashing bore!

4TH ALBUM: She dykes out kissing Madonna on the dreadful IN THE ZONE, which Britney and Madonna fans don't even like. Oddly, this album yields her least bubblegum and (I think) best tune, TOXIC. I'll freely admit that Brit had a few catchy tunes. Cheesy, but catchy.

Wow! From schoolgirl to S&M dyke in just a few short years! She really grew up fast and hard. I'm surprised that by this point, she wasn't worse off than just a few botched dance moves and lip-synching. You'd almost expect her to have morphed into crackhead biting the head off of a live chicken at this point. A day or two later after the VMA's, she flashed her pussy again. It was almost like, "Um, I really bombed at the VMA's. Let me go back to flashing my cunt. That was one attention-grabber which worked. I think I can still do this trick. I just have to remember to take off my panties. It may have been shocking but it wasn't, like my VMA flop, seen as shockingly bad."

She never deserved to be a superstar in the vein of true musical talents like Prince, Mariah Carey, Tina Turner, or even--although I'm not a fan--Celine Dion. These are artists with an identity which is uniquely theirs with accomplished voices full of personality to actually sing their tunes with.

Remember singing? I think it's a sign of how completely dumbed down we've become that Britney's off-synch lip-synch at the VMA's was so heavily criticized. What about criticizing Britney Vanilli for lip-synching in the first place??? Wouldn't you kind of expect a major recording artist to SING? Well, our expectations are so low at this point that we will happily watch Janet Jackson, J-Lo, Madonna, Britney and plenty of other pop "divas" lip-synch--just don't let them miss their pre-recorded words or all hell will break loose. I'm sooo glad that we still draw the line there. We still have some standards. They're unbelievably low, but we still have a few.

Last Thursday, I had the honor of dj'ing at an event where Patti Labelle performed. She didn't need dancers, choreography or a frantic light show to distract the audience. She just walked out and sat by a piano and belted her ass off until she sent chills up and down your spine. Not the shudders of revulsion which Britney suddenly made everyone feel. The thrill of an electrifying entertainer with real talent. And Patti's not got just a little tum-tum. She's full-on full-figured. (Even though I worship Patti, I always joke about her diabetes medication commercial. "Ten years ago I collapsed on stage." Yeah, Patti-- THEN THE STAGE COLLAPSED UNDERNEATH YOU! Hee hee!) But who cares about her weight? Who cares if Aretha, Ruben Studdard, Chaka Khan, Jennifer Hudson, or Cee-Lo are fat--THEY CAN SING. That used to be what "singers" did.

Well, EMPTY-V changed all that. Suddenly, it was all about the videos as opposed to the music. I'm sorry, but you take away the videos from many of today's artists and you won't have much of anything. Missy Elliot's videos are often fantastic works of art, but if I try to play one of her recycled sample-based singles once the buzz has worn off from it being the hot jam of the moment, Missy's jams usually clear the floor faster than you can say ga-donk ga-donk donk. (Except for ONE MINUTE MAN.) It's so fun to watch youtube videos of older artists throwing down live. But this was the Video Music Awards--they create bullshit "artists" like her and they deserved Britney's lackluster performance. I really didn't see that much difference from her other poorformances.

Though I guess one difference is that she's become a drunk/drug addict who won't listen to the very handlers who made her what she is. (I know just how she feels--minus the handlers, that is!) Forcing her to rehearse. Choosing her songs. Writing her songs. And picking her outfits. She's taken matters into her own hands (along with a bottle of booze) and we see her for what she really is. Nothing special. A cute girl who ain't got much. And when you are primarily known for being cute and suddenly you aren't as cute, the whole world turns against you. For realizing what they should have known about you all along. I hope it's a wake up call to both Britney and her fans to start recognizing the difference between talent and hype.

Or maybe the whole flop was orchestrated by her record company and I bought it along with the rest of you. Maybe they thought, "Have her flop bigtime live at the VMA's and then release a sizzling video so everyone will think 'Britney's back on point!' (Just not live.) Hey, we'll even slim her down and do a tie-in promotion with Anna Nicole's Slimfast gig. And Diet Coke. And Victoria's Secret waist cinchers." Well, it won't work this time, you greedy, soulless assholes? Victoria's Secret doesn't even make waist-cinchers. Uh, I mean I'm told they don't...

In all fairness, Britney has gotten her look together and re-taped the number. You can watch it below. It's a much tighter, shorter version.