GOT GAS?

So I wake up this morning and turn on CNN to find that an odd odor is emanating from New Jersey. And? So? What's the news? Then the reports switch the pungent aroma's origin to the West Village, where I reside, along with Apple Paltrow. (Soon to be known as Baked Apple Paltrow after the terorists ignite that gas leak.) I did wake up smelling something putrid. Howver, on that wretched low carb diet, I got in from dj'ing at Splash and oinked some store-bought shrimp salad which I had thought might be a tad past it's shelf life. But when your aged back is aching and it's raining out Lady Bunion didn't feel like trekking out to hunt for it's food. So it wolfed down that shrimp not caring about the flatulent food poisoning which might ensue. Living for the moment, baby! All the glamour! A middle-aged, arthritic transvestite shuffles home from spinning at a disco oldies night and is so busted that it's forced to eat rotting seafood. (Please, no pussy jokes.) But honey, at least I stuck to my much-needed diet! After those plentiful and hearty holiday feasts which I've been relishing since Thanksgiving, I had my old sin-hiding mumu on last night. My co-hostess, Bianca Del Rio, asked if the glittery caftan was my Gloria Gaynor look. I said "No, it's my 'Weight Gaynor' look." (And the rimshot, please.)

Of course there is another possible explanation. CNN spoke of a possible "inversion" in New Jersey which could be responsible. Now Harmonica Sunbeam lives in Jersey, but I can't normally smell her "innie" belly button all the way in Manhattan. A more likely suspect? LA art-punk sensation Vaginal Davis is making a rare NYC appearance at The Cock on Wenesday and has arrived a few days early. If I'm correct, expect a heavy concentration of the odor around gay bath houses. Also expect a rapidly diminishing clientele shortly after Vag makes her entrance to said establishments. Should subside sometime Thursday soon after her departure.