OCTOBER GENRE CLOUMN

This was orignally published in Genre and since monthly mags have 3 month lead times, some of the info isn't super-current. And a lot has happene since then. Things are looking up for the democrats after the Foley scandal's soured the nation on republicans. But believing (as I do) that the republicans largely detemine what appears on TV as news, I'm so jaded that I wouldn't doubt that newscasters are predicting landslide victories for dem's just so that democratic voters will sleep and not turn out in as high a number. Just (puff puff) paranoid, I (puff) guess... Anyhoo, here's the article:


I’ve never been one for conspiracy theories. I’m a hypochondriac momma’s “boy” and my mom’s happens to be a nurse who constantly sends me ridiculous newspaper health clippings. When I received the article entitled “Doctor questions the safety of herbal teas” I finally told her enough of the clippings. I don’t need to add herbal teas or feline “AIDS” to my terror watch list.

The list is full enough--with bombs concealed in sneakers by shoe-bomber Richard Reid… and the plastic explosives concealed in beverage containers in the "London 9/11” which is now preventing me from carrying on rubbing lotion on my gnarled claws on flights. Not to mention being banned from toting lube on board in the hopes of finally joining the Mile High Club. As if the humiliation of having to remove my shoes going through security wasn’t enough—they don’t call me Lady Bunion for nothing!

It’s hideous, but I guess we have to weigh up every conspiracy theory nowadays. I’ve even developed a few of my own. Now that everyone in the world is hooked on their stronger-than-crack espresso drinks, I’m convinced that Starbucks is cutting back on their beverages’ caffeine content. Just like a drug dealer who lures you in with the “good bag “ which they let you try and then sells you subsequent baggies of inferior quality. (Kevin Aviance assures me that this practice is quite common.) And correct me if I’m wrong, but I sniff the scented creases of every mag's perfume ad—and out of the 100’s of new fragrances in the last 10 years, there are only 2 different scents. Now I know I may be way out on a limb on this one, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Lance Bass just might be gay!

Of course we’ve all heard the insidious conspiracy theory that the government arranged 9/11. Apparently 30% of the nation now believes it. 60% of Americans are against the war. Thankfully, these statistics help balance the 50% (up from the 38% of the last Harris poll) who believe that Iraq DID have WMD. This is a real head-scratcher. No weapons have been found, and no one’s even looking, so how could believers in the fabled weapons possibly INCREASE? Uh, maybe the effect of the propaganda which masquerades as news these days? Republican newsletters? The urgings of fundamentalist preachers? Whatever the reason, one thing is clear. Tabloids chronicling Lindsay and Paris's latest exploits are booming, but we, as a nation, have largely substituted our interest in politics with our fascination with celebrity gossip. And democracy, the great principle which we’re trying to spread in Iraq with bullets, bombs, rape and torture, is a principle which cannot function without an informed electorate. Here's another little conspiracy theory for ya: maybe those education cuts are intended to keep us too stupid to analyze our misleader's diabolical actions. Example: Americans being evacuated from Lebanon were initially made to pay for their safe passage to Cyprus. This greedy, disgusting policy was dropped days later after a public outcry. I can almost imagine the Bush administration sending helicopters to hover Katrina victims and bargaining with them over their rescue fares. But If you aren't aware of the shit that the government is pulling, there will be no outcry!

Another alarming statistic comes to mind: more people voted in for the American Idol competition than for our president. I recently eavesdropped on a friend’s cell conversation as he began discussing the latest Idol scandal: so-and-so should have won that round, etc. People! Enjoy any type of entertainment you wish to, but if a fucking singing competition concerns you more than the presidential race, you’re a blasted moron! And rather than buzzing about which Idol candidate was robbed when booted off…..get ready..here comes another conspiracy theory….YOU were all robbed when Bush stole the election which put him in the White House!

And really, though she has tons of gay fans, does Kelly Clarkson dictate whether or not gays can get married? Fantasia can sing her ass off, but does she have the authority to get screaming Katrina victims off of those rooftops? Is Taylor Hicks the one who’s spending your tax dollars on an Iraqi civil war which we “won” years ago? It’s not hard to imagine that hearty-eating Ruben Studdard has gas, but is he responsible for soaring gas prices? And is Clay Aiken the guy who is “protecting” the country by enacting a Patriot Act which enables the government to spy on our phone and internet lines? (Of course, after details of Clay’s recent gay fling hit the net., he might WANT to impose more internet privacy. That way, we wouldn’t all know that she’s a top who doesn’t use a condom! I just hopes she hits a high note when she cums!)

OK, I got a little side-tracked, but the answer to my questions is no, the IDOL winners do not shape government policies. George Bush, or whichever diabolical puppet-meister who has their hand up his evil redneck ass at the moment, does. And we now have a chance to declaw his administration which is dragging our country down, not just on gay issues, but on moral issues like baseless, pre-emptive wars (stay tuned for a new one against Iran) and cow-towing to corporate interests so that the average American can’t afford insurance, declare bankruptcy, or earn a slightly higher minimum wage—well, if their job isn’t already out-sourced, that is. That chance is coming up in November with the congressional elections. I’m buoyed by Connecticutt’s peace-lovin’ candidate Ned Lamont’s Senate primary win over pro-war “democrat” Joe Liebermann. Is this a signal that, at least in Connecticutt, voters are fed up with a government which is killing our soldiers for oil and draining our finances to do it?

Maybe you’re one of those folks who voted for an Idol candidate and not a presidential one. Or maybe you voted for the president and not your state’s congressional representatives. Well, you’ve still got a little time to vote if you are registered. And if you can’t get your head out of your ditzy American Idol mode for even one second, then try pretending you’re a judge on your fav show as you vote. Imagine that you’re Paula Abdul slurring on some really good prescription drugs with Corey Clark’s load all over your face as you stagger to the poll. Or viciously diss all the Republican candidates loudly in line for the voting booth a la Simon Cowell might. Just get out there and make yourself heard!