KICKING THE GAY HABIT: STOP BEING SO SARCASTIC

Wait...do you think that Paul Lynde might have been....nah!

Excerpts from this ridiculous article on an ex-gay workshop.

KICKING THE GAY HABIT: STOP BEING SO SARCASTIC

That's how the founder of a gay conversion program explained his policy on wit to Ohio State University professor Tanya Erzen.

Erzen recounts the year she spent inside the New Hope Ministry in her book "Straight to Jesus." New Hope, based in California, offered a residential program to turn gay men into "ex-gays."

While it may come as something of a revelation that sarcasm is gay, New Hope's list of banned activities has some more familiar entries. Also forbidden are tight pants, tank tops, spandex, biker pants, half shirts, short shorts, "gay terms and mannerisms," the Internet, smoking, hair coloring, going to a health club, and watching the television show "Will and Grace."

BUNNY NOTE: WOO HOO! No mention of a ban on meth, poppers or gerbils, girls! And I guess you can still play with your Billy doll. Just don't use Billy as a dildo. (Carlos is bigger and therefore more satisfying. Uh, I'm told.)

Erzen explained that ex-gay training combines evangelical teachings, psychology, self-help and a healthy dose of stereotypes.

BUNNY NOTE: I'd love to see how they combine the diametrically opposed disciplines of psychology and evangelical teachings.

"They have a very stereotypical, monolithic view of homosexuality," Erzen told The Other Paper last week. "They see gay as a lifestyle, and they try to break the link between you and everything they associate with that lifestyle."

While the list of rules is lengthy, it is not necessarily scrupulously followed.

Masturbation, for example, is banned. But, Erzen said, "Everybody there masturbates."

BUNNY NOTE: Is it still called masturbation if a man's hand is replaced by another man's mouth or asshole?

"To cultivate masculinity, New Hope encourages participants to go camping, play basketball and attend "Straight Man Nights" to study the habits of heterosexuals.

BUNNY NOTE: Culminating in a therapy session in which the fags, posing as bullies, bash each other to a bloody pulp!

Erzen said that for many of the men in the program, straight men are "of another species," and masculinity "is just unfathomable."

BUNNY NOTE: Here, here, my good queer!

Participants soaked up all the information they could, asking straight men questions ranging from the practical ("What do you say when you sexually harass a woman?") to the existential ("Can a man ever fully understand a woman?").

BUNNY NOTE: to the desperate ("Can I please suck you off one more time before I become straight like you?")

Still, some participants rebelled against the format of the classes. "There's a lot of things I could teach straight men," one said, "like how to dress.

BUNNY NOTE: ...how to dress...like a nelly fag! If there are so many benefits to being gay, why the fuck are you in this stupid-ass workshop?