CNN SNAPSHOT: 7/9

This was written over a week ago but I forgot to finish and post it. But since someone read me that I'm not writing enough anymore--and they're correct--I thought I'd offer this unfinished, half-baked ramble to try and appease them. It's almost 2 weeks old now and North Korea is forgotten as Iran takes center stage as public enemy #1.


Completely crazy bullshit passing as news! CNN anchor John Roberts against a red silk flag billowing in the background--it matches his "youthful" rouge as North Korean leader is discussed. I like John's gray bouffant hairstyle. (In unison: Well, get used to the look, you old bitch!) John Roberts is a pretty man who resembles a bug-eyed Peekipoo, and he nervously shuffles his papers as they cut to commercial in a not-quite-ready-to-fill Tweety Bird look-a-like Paula Zahn's shoes. I suppose she has the night off for botoxing, or bumping her teeth up one more unnatural shade of blue-white.

SNL or MAD TV parodied it years ago, but the visuals/chirons/whatever you call them, like the red flag background, have gotten more and more distracting, and more and more like propaganda. Unless it was more subtle so I'm just realizing it. (Or I'm more sober and am just realizing it?) Or it's a figment of pot-induced paranoia. But wait! I haven't smoked any. Or have I? Why, someone must have slipped me something!

Ok, so I'm a mess, but to the masses, what message is this backdrop trying to send? Little. Asian. Different. Worse. That was a very sad attempt on my part to mock a probably forgotten ad for some little yellow pill which had a more successful ad campaign than name a few years ago, but to most, I assume the flag suggests Danger! Communist! Asian! Military Aggression! But why is a flag needed to send any message, other than the "news" coming out of the anchor's mouth?

No, not to a nation of attention-deficit morons increasingly weaned on bleeping, popping, light-up video games. Or the dumbed-down genrations ahead of them who can't even claim video games as an excuse for their vacantness.

So is CNN just showing off it's special effects department? Or is this just a further dumbing down of everything, like the Top Ten Countdown of most popular stories on CNN.com. Every night, in Paula's prime time spot, stories like tonight's "Hillary Swank speaks out about her divorce" holds equal weight with the launching of missiles by one of the axis of evil? Hillary was the #2 story tonight. No cheap #2/shit jokes about Hill, alright? (Not Hillary Swank, anyway. Every night, the countdown/dumb-down enables lurid tabloid tales like the woman who was run over by a policeman on Daytona Beach to out-rank the death of Ken Lay? Who cares what spot Ken Lay's death has on the countdown! I don't want the idiots who log onto CNN.com to decide on the placement of news stories--how about ranking them according to their their relevance? Their seriousness? Their importance? Their newsworthiness? Hey, I now know that reckless-driving the cop in Daytona was fined $115, CHRIST! but aren't there news items with broader implications than "She got hurt. A cop done hurt her. She was sunbathing when it happened to her!"

And why are these tragic if insignificant tales replacing real news? Maybe so we'll forget about the real news? You don't have to look hard to catch it. This morning, Tony Snow was quote as categorizing Ken Lay as "an acquainatance" of the president. A few hours later, Lay was "part of the president's inner circle" who Bush had even nicknamed "Kenny Boy." George and Laura flew to the 2001 inauguration in Lay's private jet. In other words, the president pays Tony Snow with our tax $ to lie to us. The press corps won't always challenge Snow to his face, but they'll wait a few hours and pop in a bit of the truth which contradicts him, right before diverting us against the dangers of a heart attack to which Ken Laid To Rest had succmbed.

We're all at risk, you know. Especially me. I'm fat. I ain't young. I have stress at my job--well, my girdle does, at least! It was so easy for me to get sucked into the high risk factors for fatal strokes. But as much as they may interest me, health tips are not what should fill up prime time news.

Another story CNN missed but which lefty ladies Madge Weinstein and Randi Rhodes were buzzing about today? The branch of the CIA which was hunting bin Laden has been closedwith little fanfare. But wait, we haven't found him, yet! The guy behind 9/11? The tragedy that struck us so deeply that we had to wait years before we could "honor" it with a piece of crap like Nicholas Cage's upcoming disaster flick? Did anyone see the disbandonment of the Bin Laden squad on TV? How about interviewing relatives who lost love ones about how that makes them feel that we've given up the search for the bad guy? Too heavy.

And Hilary's finally talking about her split with Chad Lowe, who she divorced in May due to his substance-abuse problem. Poor Chad. Must be tought when your brother's a brtter-looking, more successful guy. Hell, even your Oscar-winning, gender-bending wife makes a better-looking guy. So we won't be hearing about Bin Forgotten.

Besides, there's a new threat emerging from the East! Kim Jong-Il, Mr. Roberts reports, watches his people starve, focusing instead on the military to prove that he's a force to be respected among world leaders. Kim sounds rotten and ridiculous, but even if he has to shoot off a few of his misguided firecrackers to drive his point home, at least he seeks respect from other nations. Unlike Bush, who could disdains worldwide public opinion against his illegal war which he could barely muster a skeletal coalition to help him fight. Don't feel left out, guys. Bush doesn't care about anti-war sentiiment coming from Americans, either. And besides, Americans are obese, not starving. Although what was the cause that Faith Hill's concert, Anderson Cooper's top story, was benefitting tonight? Oh yeah, Katrina victims. Those people on stranded on their rooftops did seem a little 3rd world-y to me. I mean, what has our nation come to when country artists have to hold benefits to care for the hurricane vctims who our country con artist of a president has forgotten? Oh well, I guess it's a "chocolate city" so it doesn't have the best of publicists.

I don't pretend to be knowledgeable about North Korea or the severity of it's missile threat, so I can't analyze the significance of recent events there. But I did think it very curious that it's severity warranted comments a press conference by Condolezza, not the president. who was "busy" today sounding off on immigration from a Dunkin' Donuts. (Well, he learned the speech, big words and all!) And I think it's really strange that last night, this was seen as a threat. And tonight, the experts are dismissing their puny Korean missiles as ineffective, unable to reach even Alaska? Isn't the real point that the US, broke and unable to win the two wars it's currently fighting, is now seen by North Korea or Iran not as a superpower who must be minded, but as a country whose nuclear warnings can be challenged at will? You can snigger at their arsenal like two schoolboys measuring their cock sizes. Sorry, Kim, but America's will probably always be bigger. But the fact is, the US can't intimidate the axis of evil into doing what we want anymore. Are the Iranian and Korean leaders just crazy or is this a huge shift? They've realized that that the US will invade countries which don't have nukes so they' better hurry up and stockpile them. And it really makes me feel safe that Bush was we just gonna wait and see if those missiles could hit Alaska before we stopped them?

Gee, I hope not. A friend of mine is on Rosie O'Donnell's gay family cruise up there! I've not always been a Rosie fan, but I did give her points the other night when interviewed on CNN, she claimed that you don't choose to be gay. Dick Cheney is the most republican guy on earth yet his daughter' a dyke. Good point, heifer! Hope she's that feisty on The View, so I'll have a new reason not to ever watch it.

Star Jones is in trouble again. She screamed at her at a valet in the Hamptons. It's so much easier and to focus on celebrity gossip and silky red flag backgrounds and countdowns than trying to dissect North Korean political aims. Hey, I'm writing a commentary on the worst celebrity outfits in the Star. I like trash, too and enjoying trashy tabloid headlines takes a lot less time than reading between the lines of what ought to be TV news journalism, not tabloid fluff and propaganda masquerading as news. But as Anderson Cooper likes to say, "We're keeping them honest." But we've got to stay on our toes and keep THEM honest.