START THE NEW YEAR WITH SOME GOOD NEWS!

HEY! Apparently, Rick Perry is gay or bi and the 411 is about to drop. Many guys hooked up with him (apparently) and have spilled the beans in an upcoming book. Perry is not a real threat to win the presidential nomination. But Mormon yankee Romney is gonna have to find a running mate who is southern and evangelical. If there's any truth to this new book, Rick "Secession" Perry is out! Literally! Of course, is it really good news if Mitt has a better running mate?

FROM GAWKER: All Your Rick Perry Gay Sex Rumors Collected in One Handy Book

The posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. James replied to the ad, and did as instructed. As he lay on his bed in the dark, James heard someone struggling to open the door. Shielding his eyes, he ran out and opened the door.... "He jerked down his shorts," [James said], "It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket."

As the mystery man tried to leave James' apartment, he struggled with the front door, which had a tendency to jam. The man started yelling for James to help him.... As James opened it...his face was illuminated, and seen by James for the first time.

"Oh my God," thought James. "I just got fucked by Rick Perry!"

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