May 28, 2009



They're All Going to Laugh at You: The Carrie White Guide to Unfortunate Prom Fashions

Our favorite telekinetic prom queen/blood soaked mass murderess, Carrie White, has emerged from her grave to shop around a whimsical how-to book. Released in time for prom season, we are thrilled to provide an excerpt below.

Hi! My name is Carrie White. If you're like me, the word "prom" conjures visions of tuxedo-clad jocks barfing out of the moon roofs of rented limos, and be-gowned cheerleaders having their ankles pushed behind their ears in the back of Ford Tauruses. Other sentimental images: mayhem, electrocutions, karo syrup with red food coloring. It's a momentous night in a gal's life, and it's important to get everything just right. Don't believe me? Ask the Bates High School class of 1976, may they rest in peace.

I remember when Tommy Ross asked me to the prom. I thought I'd swoon! And when my sweet mother (may she rest in peace) offered her customary sage advice, "they're all going to laugh at you," I knew it was destined to be an unforgettable affair. With that in mind, what follows are examples of ways in which unfortunate fashion choices can make an otherwise joyous event go awry (though not as awry as a prom can go, given the right cocktail of pig blood, demon-possessed fire hoses and bisected gym teachers).

When a guy and a gal get ready for the big night, it's important to be coordinated. For instance, I knew Tommy Ross (may he rest in peace) was going to wear a dreamy powder blue tux, and that's why I sewed my own dress out of pink satin, ignoring my dear mother's thoughtful observation that it lasciviously displayed my budding sin pillows.

However, if it's really important to you and your beau to be perfectly matched, it's a mistake to fashion our outfits from the paper in which the local butcher wrapped your lamb shank.