January 05, 2009


My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank
you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel
every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from nor send
by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out
for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A BIG thank you for making this world more sparkly, thoughtful and hilarious.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A BIG thank you for making this world more sparkly, thoughtful and hilarious.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are soooo fuc*in' funny!

7:20 AM  

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