November 09, 2008



That's right, Breeder -- GAYS ARE GOING ON STRIKE!

Yes, we Homosexuals here in sunny California -- the epicenter of not just mainstream entertainment, but the porn industry to boot, are going on permanent vacation!

And you know what that means...

No more amazing haircutting, hairstyling and/or hair-coloring. This is especially troublesome for the many Black women who voted YES on Prop 8, because the last thing you want is some straight guy doing your weave, honey! And trust me, you ain't gonna' wanna' watch Oprah after this strike starts. Ouch.

No more sassy designer clothes. Sorry, but you can always wear the fashion fast forward designs of former Charlies Angel, Ms. Jaclyn Smith. She was born NORMAL and her clothing line -- in comfortable and easy-to-care-for cotton jersey -- is available at K-Mart. You must turn in all your fabulous outfits by fabulous GAY designers by the end of the business day or risk being splashed and splattered by hot pink paint by hysterical unmarried second class citizens. And your interior designs will no longer be done by naturally talented fags. Exit popular style whizzes like Nate Berkus and Thom Felicia, enter glorified handiman Ty Pennington. Hope you enjoy your new bed in the shape of a pirate ship!

No more entertainment. Gay writers, responsible for the funny on all your favorite TV shows, are going on hiatus (which, ironically and conveniently rhymes with WHY HATE US?). Enjoy all your favorite shows like "Ugly Betty", "Desperate Housewives" and "Grey's Anatomy" -- which you may now re-title "GAYS ARE MAD AT ME!" -- now completely free of any pesky humor, witty repartee' or intelligence. Don't worry, there will still be plenty of Ivy League white frat boy humor. Essentially, every show will become a spin-off of "According To Jim", or one of the other many fat ugly lazy husband/sexy smart in-shape wife shows that I simply refer to as "Hot & Heavy". Yep, no more Marc Cherry, Darren Star or Bruce Vilanch. But don't despair, at least you will be able to enjoy the hair and makeup and costumes and sets -- oh wait. No you won't. And let us not forget about music. Enjoy your vagina-lovin' Michael Bolton and penis-desirin' Jessica Simpson. All openly gay, rumored to be gay, closeted gay and gay-friendly artists are joining the strike. And say bye bye to the queens of the big-screen: John Waters, Pedro Almodovar, Alan Ball, Clive Barker, Jean Cocteau, Fassbinder, Derek Jarman, Paul Rudnick, Larry Wachowski, Kevin Williamson and if you believe the rumors (and I do!), Alfred Hitchcock.

No more good and/or interesting art. DiVinci, Michelangelo, Warhol, Haring, Hockney, Mapplethorpe, David LaChappelle, Pierre et Gilles, Scavullo, Gilbert and George -- GONE! And you know that Pablo Picasso let some drag queen suck his cock at least once and Georgia O'Keefe didn't paint those suggestive flowers for nothing, so their canvases burn to white also. Enjoy the oh-so-artistic Thomas Kincade "Painter of Light" and the Cathy comic strip, fuck-face.

No more good books. Sorry, no enjoying Edward Albee, Hans Christian Andersen, James Baldwin, Rita Mae Brown, Augusten Burroughs, Wiliam S. Burrows, Truman Capote, Dennis Cooper, Noel Coward, Quentin Crisp, Mart Crowley, Christopher Durang, Sumner Locke Elliot, Bret Easton Ellis, Fanny Flagg, E.M. Forster, Jean Genet, Allen Ginsberg, Langston Hughes, Christopher Isherwood, Larry Kramer, Tony Kushner, Federico Garcia Lorca, W. Somerset Maughm, Armisted Maupin, Terrance McNally, Joe Orton, Marcel Proust, Christopher Rice, John Saul, Dan Savage, David Sedaris (yeah, suck on that!), Michaelangelo Signorile, Gertrude Stein, Alice B. Toklas, Gore Vidal, Alice Walker, Tennesee Williams or Virgina Woolf. But don't freak, you can still curl up in your pirate ship bed with the macho musings of Ernest Hemingway or the downright erotic word-weavings of animal print aficionado Jackie Collins. And since most American's don't even read anymore, let me send a real shiver down your straight spine: NO MORE PEREZ HILTON!

No more Broadway shows. No explanation necessary.

No more Scientology. Let's not even go there.

No more funny lesbians. No more Ellen, no more Rosie, no more Sandra Bernhard, no more Jane Lynch and no more Wanda Sykes. Oops. Well, now you know.

And last, but by no means least: NO MORE HOT SEX! Sorry, but no more juicy, deep-throating blow jobs performed by well-trained craftsmen who -- having the same equipment -- know how to treat it properly. No more no-strings-attached mind-blowing, bone-crushing orgasms in adult bookstores, truck stops, back rooms, porno theaters or church. I guess you'll just have to buy your wife an expensive gift from Kay Jewelers or JC Penney and try to talk her into sucking your dick. Good luck with that. Oh, and even your straight porn is gonna' suck because the actresses are not going to have their usual hair and makeup people and if you think those bimbos wake up looking that good, you're in for a rude surprise!

So, enjoy your exciting new GAY-FREE California! If you voted YES on Prop 8, you brought this on yourself.