BALLAD OF A PIT BULL IN MAYBELLINE

(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)


My name is Sarah Palin, and I wanna be your president!

I am ready to control the nuclear codes.

I am a hockey mommy in lipstick.

I'll make cookies for Putin.

I said, 'thanks, but no thanks,' to The Bridge to No Where.

Except, I really said, 'yes, please.' And then I kept the 400 million dollars Alaska received for construction.

I am Pro-Life, which is why I am Pro-Gun. Go NRA!

All life is sacred, which is why I am Pro-Death Penalty!

I don't believe in sex education. True love waits. Just ask my daughter, Bristol!

If you are pregnant, you will have the damn baby! I don't care if you are raped, if the condom broke, if you are a molested

child, if you don't like mongoloids. I don't care if your pregnancy will kill you. This is all God's will. But, after your baby is born,

screw you both!

I just slashed educational funding for special needs children by six million dollars.

I will abolish the department of education. I hate books! Books are dangerous. My guides to life are US Weekly and The Bible.

Science is a matter of opinion. Creationism is fact. People don't cause climate change, God does! God hates polar bears.

Dinosaurs are an elitist liberal myth. God hates gays.

But God loves gas! I say, 'Drill, baby, drill!'

I charged the taxpayers of Alaska a travel per diem when I secretly slept in my own sweet bed.

Let me tell you, it costs a lot to keep to keep five kids in Miley Cyrus sheets.

I am ready to lead. If McCain falters, I will be the most powerful hockey mommy in the world.

I make killer brownies.

Don't attack me. I'll scream sexism!

So, cross yer legs, cock yer rifles, burn yer books, and send yer gays to a Rick Warren reform camp. Go USA!