BUNNY DOES THE GAYVN AWARDS

CHAD HUNT WAS ON HAND SERVING SOME TANTALIZING MEAT AND CHEESE APPETIZERS!



I recently hosted the GAYVN video awards in San Francisco. I've never been a fan of adult films, but I gather that these awards are the Oscars of porn and hey, I like to work. The AVYN awards represent the much larger straight branch of the industry, and their ceremony is broadcast each year on Showtime. So I was told by the new producer, who was called in at the last minute to salvage the event after the gay in charge was fired after a few too many meth-takes.

At the previous years awards, Kathy Griffin had hosted and there was a record turn-out. This year, Sirius OUTQ personalities Derek and Romaine were chosen as emcees and I was enlisted to do a couple of comedy spots to break up the long lists of categories which can monotonize any awards show.

Well, there was a vicious backlash from the gay blogosphere towards Derek and Romaine's selection. I felt sorry for them, since not only is their predecessor Kathy very funny, she's also the numero uno fad hag comedienne on the planet right now. Even the brilliant Margaret Cho would have been a let down to these queens. To make 2007 even more climactic, Kathy had included footage from the awards on her Bravo reality show. But the event couldn't re-hire Ms. Griffin since her high appearance fee had bankrupted the GAYVNs.

Naturally, I was horrified to have everyone find out that my fee is considerably more affordable than Kathy's. Kidding! Then the day I arrived in San Fran-crisco, a report came out that Kathy, miffed that she hadn't been re-hired for this years GAYVN's, had snubbed the awards by accepting a gig at The Castro Theater to benefit some local bears association.

Faggots, please! Do you really think that one of the nation's top comediennes is gonna be so petty and spiteful that in between sell-out shows nationwide and huge straight events like co-hosting New Years Eve with Anderson Cooper for CNN--ok, maybe not the best example of a straight gig--is gonna take the time to see which annual event doesn't re-hire her and then plot the revenge with a competing gig in the same city? She has a life--maybe someone else needs to get one? Or maybe I just don't know Kathy and she is that hainty.

The day of the show, I had brunch with an industry insider who really gave me the low-down on some of the down-and-dirty behind the scenes he-nanigans. Then at sound-check, the new producer mentioned something about hoping for some ticket sales and I got increasingly nervous that a bunch of Kathy-loving bitter queens were ready to boo Derek, Romaine and I off the fucking stage no matter what we did! If they weren't boycotting the event completely! I kept thinking in the back of my mind that I was the gayest city in the country--surely there would be oodles of gay porn fans who would be delighted to mix and mingle with their fav studly "stars". I mean, should the event be more about the host than the awardees? I don't think so.

By the time I arrived at the Gift Center, there were only a handful of fans there. Well, booze is one sure-fire way to calm one's nerves. Seeing the always fun Sister Roma (of The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence) on the red carpet was another. So I headed to my dressing room and proceeded to get tanked. Suddenly, it was show time!

DIRECTOR/SLUT CHI CHI LARUE AND PORN HUNK JAKE DECKART



I performed one of my lip-synch parody medleys and the crowd seemed to enjoy it. Chi Chi and I had some bitchy banter during which I asked the portly diva to stand up--if she was physically able to--and take a bow. So far so good, and the crowd seemed to warm up to Derek and Romaine. Bumping into the super-sweet and cute (and short!) Tiger Tyson, Michael Lucas, Chad Hunt, Barrett Long, LA's Jazmine and Andrew Scott was also fun. Oh, and Aiden and Jordan Gerrick, with whom I appear in ANOTHER GAY SEQUEL: GAYS GONE WILD.

HI, TIGER! HE DIDN'T LOOK SO SHORT WHEN I WAS ON MY KNEES!



ROMAINE, JORDAN GERRICK, A DRUNKEN HOG, AIDEN GERRICK, AND DEREK HARTLEY



Cocktails flowing, I soon felt comfortable enough to orally fluff two young white twinks backstage so that they could make the most of their assets during their skin-baring presentation. For the most part, however, the stars were all gussied up. I expected the affair to be much trashier. I mean, when you're receiving an award for how many poundings your asshole can take, why wear anything at all? Much less a suit jacket? But these days, everyone dreams of their VIP red carpet moments.



I was shocked to see Armistead Maupin there, but apparently his very hunky boyfriend directs porn: might I suggest a collaboration between the two called TAILS OF THE CITY? Or SHITTY? I also bumped into Buck Angel and while I struggled to find words to describe him to a video camera which was aimed at us, he offered his own succinct intro: "I'm the man with the pussy." I actually had dinner with Buck and his girlfriend a few months ago and he is very cool people. I still can't imagine masturbating while watching a man's vagina, but then again, there isn't a terribly huge market for mature, overweight transvestites who look like a cross between Barbara Eden, The Nanny's mom, and Chris Farley, either!

With the help of a few industry insiders, I got the "goods" on a handful of well-known porn stars and incorporated them into a pre-recorded Laugh-In style roast. Now I admit to being on the verge of a black-out, but I do recall sufficient applause to warrant me snarling jokingly after the number, "Kathy Grithin who?" By that point, my large Charo wig had slid back on my head to where I may have resembled Kathy a little bit--she loves those short bangs, doesn't she? Someone posted a comment warning me "Don't mess with Kathy! Remember what happened to Scott Thompson?" Actually, I don't remember, but I think Kathy would certainly not begrudge a slight tease from a fellow performer.

I missed the after-party, but I'm told that revelers were treated to the site of a huge black cock swing near the doorway. Too bad it was just the black cock feathers on Sister Roma's elaborate headdress. Honey, you know you're in San Francisco when you are getting sucked off by a nun in clown make-up and a feathered chapeau!

Most of the post reviews have been favorable to me. I did like one which described me as an "over-the-hill hillbilly". Here's an excerpt from one of my fav write-ups by Danile Kusner of the Dallas Voice:

POSTCARD FROM THE PORN OSCARS

The red carpet entrances were mouthwatering — a sea of camera-ready hunks, twinks and the godfathers of gay porn.

In the cocktail lounge, “Tales of the City” author Armistead Maupin held court with trans-superstar Buck Angel, who’s featured in Maupin’s latest, “Michael Tolliver Lives.”

Guests made their way to tables that were overflowing with swag: countless bottles of personal lube and DVDs. The festivities began with an invocation from director Chi Chi LaRue. And then Lady Bunny took the stage with a hilarious musical mashup that made fun of Whitney Houston (“the lesbian crack whore”) and transformed the song “All that Jazz” to “All that Jizz.”

As the evening continued, Bunny got drunker, filthier and funnier.

Santana and Parker announced three categories, but Santana only went home with one statue — for Best Threesome: “Just Add Water.” In his acceptance speech, Santana thanked former Dallasite and Jet Set honcho Chris Steele.

Raging Stallion’s “Grunts” swept the major categories, including Best Picture, Best Direction and Best Sex Scene. The ceremony was impressively paced. Hardly any acceptance speeches lasted more than one minute (although many included the F word).

Lady Bunny closed the awards in style, calling all the nominees “sluts!” and then spitting her gum out at the crowd.


And here's my porn star "roast", if you care to see it!