ZOO: DICK OF DEATH

Remember my post about the guy getting fucked to death by a horse in the Seattle area in 2005? Well, there's a new mockumentary about it, and I hooked up with a few friends to check it out. Jan, the adorably nutty housewife from Kansas who constantly forwards me many of the links you see on this site, was in town, so I met her and her daughter Marissa and singer and all-round retard Xavier (GIVE ME THE NIGHT) to check it out. Just a sweet little bestiality flick which I didn't think would give Jan something to talk about back home in Kansas, where I doubt this will ever be screened.

I felt a rare bout of shyness even giving the ticket-taker my ticket to this demented flick and Marissa felt that as a single girl, the box office attendant gave her a little sneer. I wanted to sign the other ten perverts in the theater up for my email list! (That exclusive e-list which never receives anything since email newsletter Constant Contact unceremoniously dropped me as a client without billing me! We suspect they disliked the salacious content of my she-mail blasts.) ZOO is showing at the IFC, which with the exception of the fluorescent lights lining the walls is a cute and very comfy brand new cinema where the Waverly Theater once stood. It was icy cold on a sunny, hot day. Since the only showtimes are 4:15 and midnight, we felt extra-depraved walking outside into the sunshine after this dark, twisted piece. I guess as a blog entry--GUY GETS FUCKED TO DEATH BY A HORSE!--is a hoot. As a PROBING investigative hour, it makes for a DEEPLY disturbing film. (Bad puns intended.)



I didn't expect that they'd actually show the death scene--the guy bled to death en ROOT to a rural hospital--but they do use unbelievably well-cast actors to recreate the tale, which is pieced together from extensive interviews with the guys who ran the raunchy ranch, reports from a horse rescuer, etc. Because the chirons link the voices with the actors only at their first appearance, it's a little confusing to tell which character is talking when. But you are whisked away into a dreamlike world of incredibly beautiful cinematography set to a fantastic soundtrack. Says director Robinson Devor, "I aesthetized the sleaze right out of it." Some of the nature scenes are exquisite, particularly one scene of light refracting through a patch of blackberries. The narration underneath speaks of Chance, a blind horse who would cut up his eyes over and over again foraging for the berries. Chance is never mentioned again and I wonder if he is supposed to be the horse which did the deed. As if a blind horse would be more likely to butt-fuck a guy? It's kind of like the ol' bag-over-the-head trick in reverse. Um, which I've only ever heard about!

An anti-bestiality law was passed in Washington after the incident last year. But I wonder how cruel it is to the animals? Hold on! I didn't say it wasn't cruel, but families nationwide sit around laughing as their dogs hump their legs with erections. If the horse's dick was hard, wasn't he enjoying it on some level? Like probably the only level a horse can enjoy it on--"Mmmm, something is stroking my gigantic horse-cock." It's not like the guys were inserting anything into the horse to kill it. Even if the guys were screwing female horses, their human cocks are hardly going to cause any damage considering the size of pricks those fillies are used to. One ranch hand claims that the horse smells your pheromones and responds to you sexually. And at the end, the conservative horse rescuer claims to have done considerable research into the world of the zoophiles (or zoos, as they call themselves) and found that this animal attraction seems to come from a place of genuine love and caring for the animals. This voiceover is accompanied by footage of a teenage girl blissfully riding her horse. Aren't the budding sexuality of girls and their horses commonly linked in our culture? Who's to say where the line is to be drawn? Obviously, you might wanna draw it before you bleed to death from having your guts plunged out.

Some of the zoos' interviews do humanize their bestiality. One guy was just a lonely farm hand who claimed that one day it just happened. Out of curiosity, you just wanna feel your horse's balls and then you do and their warm. Another guy was sent busfare to join the ranch after the internet opened up his dull, dismal family life in rural W. Va. But the ranch hands were adamant that they never accepted cash for their sex tours. They'd hook up via the internet and meet their prospective guests, and if they got a good feeling from them, would allow them to follow them home.

The "victim", known as Mr. Hands to his co-pervs, turns out to be a Boeing executive whose name was initally hushed up. In a gruesome turn of events, his ex-wife and young son were actually visiting him on the weekend of the incident. Mr Hands had wanted his family to move to Seattle to be closer with his son. He almost didn't visit the ranch on the fatal night. There was one scene of Mr. Hands ride out to the ranch with the radio blaring some political audio which I missed most of. But the director makes the connection clearer: "This was a guy who was a conservative man at one point, and those ideas started breaking down for him. I think that 9/11 triggered a lot of it. But he was [also] in the center of one of the most secretive military complexes. Meanwhile, he listened to a lot of left-wing radio, he questioned everything our government was involved in, and he was ethically conflicted about his job and the money he was making. That's the core fascination for me." So I wonder if right-wing monsters like Bush and Cheney will have their ideas start "breaking down" and wind up getting fucked by massive, republican elephant cocks?

When the dead man's horse is picked up by the horse rescuer, she claims that another horse, a mini, ran up and tried to blow the stallion before they could cart it away. I've never heard of a horse blowing another horse, so maybe the ranch was a hotbed of unnatural acts. In deference, I solemnly removed the dead gerbil from my ass in the ladies room of the cinema.

So yay or NEIGH to ZOO? A Sundance award-winner, it's very well-made, but on a super dark subject. The only moment of levity was when a close-up of a horse galloping away from the screen was accompanied by me throwing my legs way into the air. Please make sure you all do this should you opt to see it. It's puzzling, disturbing, and thought-provoking. Definitely not your summer, feel-good comedy.

I GOT FUCKED BY A HORSE AND LIVED! DENNIS RODMAN GETTING "THE BOOTY" AT TREASURE ISLAND HOTEL IN VEGAS FOR HIS B'DAY! JUST LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS BALLS!