LADY MURPHY

I saw a bit of Eddie Murphy's NORBIT--I was in the theater to see another film but was early so I snuck in for a the first 45 minutes. It was mildly amusing, but what kills me is how all of these ET-type shows are constantly amazed by Eddie's uncanny ability to play female characters. Duh, he's a tranny chaser! I have a tranny-hooker friend who claims that Eddie picked her up and wanted "her" to jump rope nude on the bed while he fucked a gentic female! In the last issue of MY COMRADE, Linda Simpson's 'zine, singer Xavier reminisces about the tranny hooker Eddie was busted with, which no one seems to remember. Linda actually knew the tranny, and there were some very odd circumstances which caused her to jump off of her own roof not long after she spilled the beans on Mr. Murphy.

By Xavier (pictured)



In the wee hours of the morning on May 2, 1997, superstar Eddie Murphy awoke feeling restless. Instead of switching on CNN (or more likely, watching Paris is Burning for the 90th time and dousing the TV with his own white foam), he got dressed and hopped in his Land Cruiser. He then drove to West Hollywood, under the cloak of darkness, to an area notorious for transsexual prostitution, in search of what he would later claim to be “reading material.” Coincidentally, his biologically female wife Nicole happened to be out of town. You guessed it! It was time for Tran-nese takeout!

Murphy eventually stumbled upon a hot 20-year-old Samoan hooker who called herself Shalimar. She was exactly his type: blond hair and tig biddies procured by female hormones, all served on a high-heeled platter. After a brief exchange, she got in his car and they drove off, unaware that they were under police surveillance. Soon afterward, they were pulled over by the cops, who brought it to the comedian’s attention that his passenger was a known prostitute. This is the point where Murphy’s method-acting skills kicked into action. “I was being a good Samaritan,” he claimed. “I just wanted to give her a ride home.” Riiiight. He wanted to give her a ride to his home is more like it. And with Mrs. Murphy away, he was also free to give rides inside the house. Instead, Shalimar was booked on an outstanding warrant for ho-in’ and Murphy left without any “reading material.” (Tragically, Shalimar died in a freak accident a year later.)

The incident sparked a media flurry, with tabloid headlines like “Eddie Murphy’s Sick Obsession With Drag Queens!” inevitably reinforcing the public’s aversion to tranny chasing. Many people were also amused by the irony of one of the biggest crackers of fag jokes possibly being a fag himself. Soon, more trannies, including Summer St. Cerely and the late Karen Dior, came forward, blabbing about their trysts with Murphy and his kinky foot fetish, proving once and for all that shrimps are best with cocktail sauce, not Cunt’s ketchup. “It was just a good deed gone bad,” Murphy told Star magazine. Sure it was! Now we all know why it’s better to have Tran-nese delivered.

THE LATE KAREN DIOR



Poor Eddie. Movie stars like Tom Cruise and John Travolta have organizations like the Church of Scientology to clandestinely organize homo orgies away from spying eyes. But what if you're different? (We’re not talking about Eddie being black—shockingly enough, there are African-Americans foolish enough to be Scientologists.) When you’ve got a preference for men in panties, wigs and heels, you’re pretty much on your own. “I love my wife and I am not gay,” Murphy professed. But the question still remains: If a tranny falls to her knees in the forest and your wife’s not around to hear it, does she make a sound? Yes, a loud slurping sound.

ANOTHER ACCOUNT: COMICSCOMMUNITY