September 20, 2006


Vincent Gallo, the abrasive director/actor of films like BUFFALO 66 and THE BROWN BUNNY (in which Chloe Sevigny blows him) has a new line of merch on his website. It includes his services as an escort:

"I, Vincent Gallo, star of such classics as Buffalo 66 and The Brown Bunny have decided to make myself available to all women. All women who can afford me, that is. For the modest fee of $50,000 plus expenses, I can fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female."

Well, that let's me out! But you might also be interested in his sperm, for a cool million. Before you laugh, please hear his sales pitch:

"There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female."

But not every millionaire is privy to the sperm sale:

"Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar."



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well it looks like I'm not allowed to buy any of his manly Gallo jizzms for my boypoon but at least I can purchase my very own autographed issues of HX and Next featuring him on the covers. That's quite a consolation. He may not want to shoot on my face but I can shoot on his. Woo hoo white woman!

12:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am also selling my sperm for a million dollars. Yes, even to people of color and transies.
I should probably warn you though, the chances of no brain damage and deformity are so-so. Also I have a really small dick.
any takers can usually find me in Washington Square Park, looking for any takers.

2:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, all that and he LOVES Bush too!

When is someone finally going to sucker-punch this creep?

1:45 AM  
Blogger Aaron said...

"When is someone finally going to sucker-punch this creep?"

Clearly, someone already has...the brain damage may not be "genetic," but it sure came from somewhere.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Oh, and my compliments to him on his "full head of hair"--that he apparently never washes.

12:50 PM  

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