NEW BROKEBACK CONTROVERSY

A few weeks ago, I posted a BROKEBACK GROCERY LIST which Elvira forwarded to me. One reader took offense, and sent in his snitty, detailed response. Here's his and then mine. OK, so I have a lot of time on my hands!


HIS RESPONSE TO MY POST:

If you will allow a few corrections to the Grocery List:
>
> Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists
>
> WEEK ONE
> Beans
> Bacon
> Coffee
> Whiskey
>
>
> WEEK TWO
> Beans
> Ham
> Coffee
> Whiskey
>
>
> WEEK THREE
> Beans al fresca - the correct Italian is al fresco
> Thin-sliced Bacon - the correct English is thinly sliced
> Hazelnut Coffee
> Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
>
>
>
> WEEK FOUR
> Beans en salade - in French "salade" means only lettuce
> Pancetta
> Coffee (espresso grind) Espresso is not a grind it is a roast
> 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
>
>
>
> WEEK FIVE
> Fresh Fava beans - fava are beans so this is a bi-lingual redundancy
> Jasmine rice
> Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces
> Thinly sliced medallions of veal Porcini mushrooms - what are veal Porcini mushrooms?
> 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
> 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
> 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve) - What other kind of Bordeaux is there if it isn't French? Another bi-lingual geographic redundancy.
>
>
>
> WEEK SIX
> Yukon Gold potatoes
> Heavy whipping cream
> Asparagus (very thin)
> Organic Eggs
> Spanish Lemons
> Gruyere cheese (well aged)
> Crushed Walnuts
> Arugula
> Clarified Butter
> Extra Virgin Olive oil - what, not cold pressed?
> Pure Balsamic vinegar - vinegar by nature cannot be pure since it is a fermented food
> 6 yards white silk organdy - do they mean "organza" ?
> 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
> 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve - this doesn't exist

(HE GOES ON)

Well, it takes a sense of humor to have "fun" made of oneself, it takes a level head, a steady heart, and enough self knowledge not to be bothered, but frankly it also takes honesty to be a man, to be a woman, to be a human, and to be a friend. So here is what I feel about all the so-called humor going around about Brokeback Mountain. I think it stinks. I think it is rotten to the fucking core. I think it is a cheap shot, a stupidity, a joke in itself. I do not find it funny any more than I feel blond jokes are funny, any more than I feel jokes denigrating women, lesbians, blacks, or any particular group.

In this particular phase of our human de-evolution I find jokes about Brokeback Mountain completely and totally miss the point of the film. Either that or the "clever" people who make them up are simply using the film to show their ignorance thinking they are somehow witty and clever. ”Au contraire", as we cowboys say. The film is a love story, had it been about two heterosexuals, i.e. most of western literature dealing with thwarted love, what jokes might we have heard or read? Nothing.
It would have become a tragedy, a Shakespeare play, a ballet, poetry about human cruelty. But because it is about love between creatures of the same gender then "we" take out after it, and any opposition to this "humorous" stance is met with, "oh c'mon, lighten up, give it a rest, don't take all this so seriously." Well, frankly I do not choose to do that this time around. No, all these references are only perpetrating the myth that gay people, including gay cowboys, have refined taste, which I assure you is not the case. It also suggests that we are "artsy" and "French" in our tastes. Well, I have news for my fellow Americans. The French are, by and large, not sexually repressed. They have no understanding of the current round of Brokeback Mountain jokes. If you run one by them they just stare at you with wider and wider eyes and say, "what does that supposed to mean?" They just don't get it. They don’t have the same stereotypic image; in fact macho American men often make the comment that all Frenchmen are gay simply because they are more refined than their American counterparts. The French have been attending the film in droves. We saw it weeks and weeks ago on opening night in Bordeaux and many of the people sat in their seats drying their eyes even after the credits ended. The film has also won three awards from the French film industry. So say what one will about my lack of sense of humor, but in all honesty and from deep inside my heart, I cringe at these jokes. As far as I am concerned not only are they personally offensive, but they also underscore the smallness of the human spirit. The intent of these jokes might not be to make light of or poke fun at gay people, but they still serve to keep the myth alive that gays are "effete." Have they never heard of gay rugby men? And look at the number of people we know personally, just in tiny Corvallis alone, who have lived the Brokeback Mountain lie for years and years and in so doing have caused enormous pain to many family members and loved ones. I can name five right off the bat. No, self denial is neither pretty nor funny, and murder isn't either.

Good wine, good cheese, okay, but organdy and taffeta? And what is the Boy Scout uniform about? Those things border on the sick.

I hope you won't take offense at what I've said here. They are my problem not yours. I am glad you sent the "joke" because it helps keep me in touch with my homeland and its pop culture. Perhaps these five years that I've been gone have removed me too far from the mainstream. In fact, the other night someone from the USA in a phone conversation asked me, "You probably don't really feel American any more, do you?" Well, I feel I am the American I was all my life; I feel I am the American I was when I left America. What I don't feel is that America is neither now the place where I grew up nor the place I left. It is, in short, a real Broke Back Mountain.


MY RESPONSE TO HIS RESPONSE:

I certainly don't take offense that you find the ficticious Brokeback grocery list offensive.I'm actually impressed that you took the time to express your thoughts in such detail, though we disagree. And though you wind up by saying that you're glad I sent the joke (which I just posted and did not write, by the way) because it helps to keep you in touch, you may not be in touch with what type of website mine is. I love crude and sick humor, and I'm a blonde who makes blonde jokes. I particularly like the grocery list because it takes the piss out of the gays. It's the type of joke that a macho straight guy might tell, if they were clever enough to write it. Even though Elvira sent it to me, it takes on a new ridiculous dimension when a gayer than gay transvestite posts a macho-man type of joke about her own kind. It IS a cheap shot, which is the name of the game around here. Though if I'd had the wit to write it, I might have gone even cheaper with gerbil feed, "tina", and poppers references. I wouldn't call it stupid, however, and it isn't trying to get the point of the the film. That's the joke's twist! It's imaginatively fucking with the point of the film and focusing on one minor thread--their provisions, and fagging it up.

I certainly think one may enjoy this joke without considering "artsy", "french", or "sophisticated" to be liabilities, as I don't. And I'm glad that the film's a hit in France. I sat and cried in it, too. But "a smallness of the human spirit"? Wow. You SHOULD lighten up.This joke doesn't make light of the self-denial or murder in Brokeback. It's a silly "what if" scenario. Part of the joke's appeal lies in the fact that though the grocery list does perpetuate stereotypes that gays are effete and ignores the existence of truly masculine gay men, a lot of gays spend their lives trying to be more masculine than they actually are. When you're trying to be something that you're not, you're an easy target, like an old or fat woman trying to be sexy. (Insert applicable joke about my age and weight here.) Like the leather mary who sings along to Judy Garland while fastidiously grooming his died black handlebar moustache and puts on chaps in preparation for a night of fisting in a backroom. In a similar vein, I recently got a kick out waiting in line at a grocery store behind a 45-ish pinched leather gay shrugging exasperately as the straight latino homeboy cashier was forced to ask the female cashier next to him to help identify every gourmet produce item from fennel to arugula in the gay's shopping basket. Stereotypes are a common source of humor and a lot of the political incorrectness is removed when blacks, jews, gays, lesbians, handicapped or any other group direct the barbs to their own communities.

But what really gets my goat is your smart-ass fact-checking of the list itself. I'm no chef, but several of your corrections need correcting. Google "Al fresca" and several recipes come up. And they don't refer to dishes the diet soft drink poured in them. Unless they're all mispelled, "al fresca" is a bonafide coooking term. "Al fresco" also can also refer to dining outtdoors, or to my office "al fresco", which is the term I used to use when my phone would get turned off and I'd hang on the payphone outside my apartment making my business calls. And jeez, does that "Please deposit an additional 25 cents for the next five minutes" recording from the operator really add a dash of panache to one's work calls! Also, California Bordeaux does exist and I've often heard the term "en salade". The use of "fava beans" is no more redundant than string beans, grean beans or pinto beans. No one in this country has ever ordered a "side of favas". But you are probably right on "organdy" and this one: if you google "Dom Perignon Masters Reserve", no wine sites come up. Only pages and pages of sites which have posted the same joke list that Elvira forwarded to me. I think that attests to the effectiveness of the joke.

So, with all due respect, I highly recommend that you lighten and loosen up. But noting your masculine yet effete tendencies, perhaps I may offer these tools as loosening aid? I trust that the workmanship of the finely crafted products below will surpass even your high standards. I recommend alternately inserting each for several days, after which your nit-picky, anal self is likely to feel markedly more relaxed and less prissy. Who knows, if there is a mirror on hand, the sight of your fairy butt wiggling with a fanciful horsehair tail in it may even restore your sense of humor. Please send us some pix!



OR THIS ONE WILL LEAVE YOUR DELICATE ROSEBUD ANUS FEELING, IF NOT EXACTLY SMELLING, LIKE A ROSE!




UH UO! NOW THE INTERNATIONAL FASHION QUEENS ARE WEIGHING IN!

from the rarified drag deity Alexandra Von Raisin:

Hi Sweets.
You attract some oddballs. If that guy criticising your entry doesn't have a sense of humor, what is he doing perusing your witty, bawdy, world?
Here's more to prove him silly:
-"Prenzel vinegar tastes as it did to the medieval palate, with a wide range of layered flavours and subtleties. No attempt is made to sugar or otherwise soften the product - it is just PURE vinegar with no chemical additives of any kind."

-Silk organdy is a fabric, though probably more popular as cotton organdy. It's a sheer fabric often used in bridal gowns. Leads one to think that paired with the taffeta and champagne, there may be a wedding that weekend.

-Veal Medallions
-Porcini Mushrooms It's just a typo. Should be two separate lines.

-Exta Virgin Olive Oil is the purest available. "Cold pressed" is an anachronistic and largely unregulated label description for olive oil.

-Espresso Grind- "Another important factor that affects a cup of espresso is the grind. "An incorrect grind will result in a poor quality and inconsistent cup," says espresso machine expert, Christopher Cara of Thomas Cara, Ltd. in San Francisco.
If your beans are too oily and your grind is too fine, your espresso maker can't produce an even flow of liquid -- it will trickle out with no crema. [Crema is the beautiful, brown cream found on the top of a perfect espresso.] If your grind is too coarse, the espresso pours out of your machine like Niagara Falls...too fast for good flavor and definitely no crema."

Bi-lingual. To my knowledge, bilingual is spelled without a hyphen.


And from Paper's fashion maven Mickey Boardwoman:

bunbun

organdy and organza are basically the same except organdy is made
from cotton and organza from silk.

SNAP!