November 26, 2005


Believe it or not, I have gotten a gig writing an advice column for a dutch fashion magazine called STAR STYLE. Here are a couple of my recent Q & A's with young dutch girls:

1. Dear Bunny, I am a tan-a-holic, I even sleep in my sunbed! Friends warn me that if I keep this up I will look like Paris Hilton after a L.A. bushfire in five years. How can I quit this addiction without losing my golden looks? Shall I quit cold turkey or take it slow? Love your ivory skin by the way, do you think that would suit me? Deborah, 22, Maastricht

We should only hope that Paris, the most empty-headed emblem of the US-besides our president, be caught in a bushfire to end her sad "career" before her rotten record comes out. I hear she covers Blondie's HEART OF GLASS--the nerve! Debbie Harry would roll over in her grave! What? Debbie's still alive? Whoops! My bad.

But back to you, my half-baked beauty. Of all the things to be addicted to, why tanning? There's internet sex, alcohol, and so many drugs to choose from. (As if I need to tell the Dutch about drugs!) Chocolate even! Tanning has been "in" and "out" over the last century--Debbie recalls--from women shielding their delicate complexions at the turn of the century to the sun-drenched looks in vogue in the 1950's, 60's, and 70's which indicated a life of leisure to the pasty pallor of new wave and later grunge movements. Nowadays, there is no one set trend, but scientific evidence clearly points to cumulative skin damage from the sun which in time, will turn you into a leathery old prune. Thankfully, there are are now spray tans and even bronzers which achieve the same effect without the damaging rays of the sun or tanning beds. Use these or you'll be sorry! (I suppose there isn't a lot of sun in Maastricht.)

I've always been naturally fair-skinned--the type of skin most susceptible to the sun's harsh rays. So I slather on the sunscreen from wig to toe each time I leave the house. My thick, theatrical foundation also blocks the sun if I cake it on heavy enough. But the ivory look is NOT for everyone. Should you try it, you may wanna bleach your teeth in conjunction with this look. Teeth darker than the skin is universally frowned upon.

On a serious note, the soaring temperatures of global warming and the hole in the ozone layer make sunscreen more important than ever--whether you tan or not. Never use the pointless thick, coconut-scented oils and ONLY use spf 15 or even higher protection for fairer skin. The most common mistake is not reapplying sunscreen often enough, so always pack a purse-sized tube to supplement the large economy size you keep at home. And not only are sunglasses "cool", they protect your eyes from sun damage. So wear them whenever possible--even on cloudy days--and you'll retain your vision for longer. The thing about the sun's cumulative damge is that there is no turning back. It's like a bank account you can't withdraw from. The more you expose yourself, the worse you'll look in the long run. Or stick to heavy tanning and skip the sunglasses. That way, you'll look terrible but at least YOU won't be able to see it!

2. Dear Bunny, I am going to a costumed party and I really love Britney's trashy 'bun in the oven' look. How can I achieve this hygienically challenged look for myself? Marta, 18, Utrecht

Well, if the soiree is less than 8 months off, getting pregnant tonight would be the perfect answer to your query. You could simply go out and find yourself the nearest trashy guy, get really wasted, sleep with him and pay him. Just like Britney did with Kevin! But to her credit, her "chaotic" affair with Mr. Federline has already outlasted her first marriage of 24 hours!

However, if you are concerned about safe sex, condoms will probably prevent Plan A. So go to Plan B: start eating now! Then put a little product in your hair: butter, bacon grease, cum, whatever is available and then stick in a thin, straggly ponytail on top of your head. Slanting the ponytail towards the back yields a more flattering silhouette, but if you really wanna go "whole hog Britney", wear it straight up off the top of the head for a brattier look which draws attention to your (by now) heavier jowls. Really expensive, over-sized designer glasses with cheap sweats and a cigarette hanging out of your mouth complete the look, though you may opt to dust your ensemble with junk food crumbs for added authenticity.

Burping as if you are inebriated, especially while appearing pregnant, is a surefire scene-stealer which is guaranteed to get them all talking. And you can really get the party started by attempting to dance if (God forbid) one of Britney's songs comes on, lip-synching as badly as she herself does in concert! There's nothing quite as sensational as a clueless, trashy, mom-to-be busting a move with a drink and cigarette. And should the crowd start to lose interest because of another celebrity impersonator in another part of the room (a crack-smoking Whitney Houston, for instance) you can also get 'em back by going into labor and screaming in intense pain.


Blogger Lady Bunny said...

Well, since you have 3 testicles each, why not try? --B

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lady Bunny,
You're no lady and, while we're at it, you're no bunny either. A pig is more like it.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... and you, anonymous, are probably a bloated and retired drag queen who just couldn't keep up with the damn wig rash and envies beauties like our Bunny.

To quote the movie (Rent) that Lady Bunny seems to hate so much:
"I'm more of a man than you are, and more of a woman than you'll get."

1:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with you "Kim", but for clarity's sake the phrase "I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get" comes initially from Joel Schumaker's 1976 blaxploitation film "Carwash" not the movie from a play from a book, "Schlock", I mean "Rent".

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks - i figured it wasn't the first time it (the quote) had been said but thought it would be on topic if i quoted from Rent specifically. (Bunny had posted about it previously, i'm sure you know)

8:48 PM  
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9:40 PM  

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