MIERS MAKEOVER

A team of 20 has been hired to re-launch Bush's Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers to make her more acceptable to the public. I guess they didn't consider aligning her abortion policies with the 21st century or getting her to tell the truth about the business interests she omitted in her questionnaire, but as a measure of goodwill towards the troubled republican party, I thought I'd offer a couple of helpful hints based purely on her looks.

Ditch those Mamie Eisenhower bangs. Yes, I know I've sported them in the wee hours of several drunken mornings when my wig slips back a few inches, but what's your excuse, Scarriet? The shorty bang is normally reserved for retards, medieval oafs with bowl cuts and kids whose parents want their hair stay out of their eyes.

And speaking of eyes? What's with that thick liquid eyeliner? I'm glad you are painting heavily, but eyeliner that drag-queeny needs a similarly heavy lip, rouge and false eyelashes. And a little lash would really help turn up those sad, down-turned eyes.

Get some rest. Being thrust into the national spotlight with your big promotion on the line must be nerve-wracking. But what an opportunity! You have a real chance at helping Bush fuck up our lives with his backward policies--even long after he's crawled out of the White House with his tail between his legs. Dumplin', you look tired. How about a relaxing vacation? May I suggest an extensive tour of Chinese, Turkish and Romanian bird farms? Or how about throwing on a long blond wig and partying down in Aruba? Hiking in Pakistan, perhaps? Or how about a thrilling hunt for the eye of hurricane Wilma?

Happy to help, sweetness!

In fairness, I will say that huffingtonpost.com must search for the most unflattering photos. Check out these shots of Delay with his 70's newscaster hair blowing in the wind and of our nation's leaders looking fat, sad and defeated. Hee hee! Kick 'em while they're down, why doncha!