SIMPLY THE GEST

That's how Liza Minelli's ex, David Gest, signed an autograph on the premiere of his new UK reality show THIS IS DAVID GEST That was the highlight, unless you count the pimple that he popped on his mouth in the show's first "scene". In case you don't live in the UK and can't tune in to such quality programming, here are a few revolting clips:

David films the intro for his show "doing the David Dance" which according to his website, will sweep the nation. (Doesn't he call it the Diamond Dance at one point? Is that even a dance? I'm not quite as hip as David.)

Or this segment features borrowing a Liza-esque line THE PEOPLE LOVE ME AND I LOVE THE PEOPLE greeting Londoners in a horrific English accent.

After viewing these clips, you may wonder why this repulsive, charmless toad was ever given a show in the first place. He does rival Anna Nichole in trainwreck territory--without her obvious use of drugs, but apparently he was likeable on some British Survivor-type show series and he also plays the queen-y Simon Cowell-esque judge on Greased Lightning, in which actors compete for roles in the musical GREASE. (Don't we have a similar show on in the US? How can shit like this apeal to people around the world??? In a way, it makes me feel better about the States, since British tv--even their commercials--always struck me as more intelligent than ours.) So now he's been given a six-part series on ITV.

What I can't understand is that pre-Liza, David was a successful producer of large music shows and supposedly quite wealthy and connected from it. Then he marries and quickly divorces Liza and they film a cancelled-before-it-ever-aired US reality show for VH1, I think. So I guess it was then that he was bitten by the show-biz bug. It seems so odd to me that someone who produces events successfully from behind the scenes would suddenly want to become a performer in his 50's. Even more maddening is that someone with zero talent would be given a show. I mean, the man's two main characteristics are annoying and badly surgerized. But I guess his show-biz instincts were dead-on, and he's obviously waited for the right moment for public tastes to sink low enough to accept a show based on a snappish, neurotic, unnattractive ham. Keep on sinking, honey, and maybe I'll have my own show on the telly soon! But from one queen to another, if your going to spray on your hair, do it in every scene. With those yanked-up brows and jet-black painted-on hair, he looks like a comic devil cartoon. And the show continually cuts back to him undressed and lounging in his bed as if he's sexy!

OK,OK! Tomorrow I promise to call your attention to something which isn't disgusting. I know I'm only fuelling David's ambition by dishing him. But for those of you who like closeted trainwrecks with tragic surgery... He's actually had his nose built back up! It's larger now than when he was with Liza, his eyebrows are less plucked and he's more "manly" with the addition of a beard--by beard I mean facial hair, not Liza! I guess he read too many reports that he looked transsexual...so he added the bulb back onto the tip of his fucking nose!!!! See for yourself and see if you don't agree. As Gothamist.com put it, the guy's plastic surgeon is more like a second rate mortician. Click here to see a picture of him between nose jobs with collapsed nostrils a la his friend Michael Jackson.

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